Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Whatever It Is, It's Contagious


In what analysts say is a sign that Americans are more divided than ever, clashes continued over the weekend between factions that believe the Ebola virus is God's judgment for Obama's attempts to divide Jerusalem and those contending it is God's judgment for Obama's embrace of marriage equality.

White House spokesmen protested the characterization, but were undermined when a report surfaced that the President himself had insisted on the presentation of bush meat at a state dinner, according to the neighbor of a cousin of a disgruntled White House sous-chef recently fired for an inflammatory meatloaf and chronic sauce incompatibility.

Epidemiologists confirmed the first Ebola case occurred when Obama was fifteen years old; this seems to underscore the complexity of Obama's plot in that it might have extended to several fore-Bamas. Observers had already pointed out the extraordinary family cunning involved in timing the future President's conception to coincide with the introduction of a state Americans were not even fully aware of, and which was considered too tropical and laid-back to maintain proper record-keeping. Others expressed skepticism that any African Muslim family could be so clever and far-sighted, noting that any association between the President's family and the virus could be more elegantly accounted for by invoking the phrase "the spawn of Satan." This theory also absolves God of responsibility, since it is generally acknowledged He never intended this disease to move beyond the colored folk.

Several pundits are warning of the likelihood that terrorists will make little Ebola bombs of themselves and fly to America to barf on people; others insist the terrorist menace had begun much earlier, noting that infected fruit bats are almost indistinguishable from drones.

Many express relief that at least the sheer diversity of opinion proves that Americans have not succumbed to a sheep-herd mentality. They cite the broad range of reasons given for Obama's orchestration of the epidemic, from his desire to elevate Muslims to his desire to impose martial law and take away citizens' guns. Either proposition is preposterous, according to some, who point out the epidemic began decades ago after Henry Kissinger expressed an intent to depopulate Africa using birth control, arms shipments, monkey parasites, and--as a backup--Dick Cheney.

Adding a note of levity to an otherwise dire national conversation, Rep. Louis Gohmert (R-Texas) checked in from his newly rubberized office to declare that Obama was waging a war on women by deliberately endangering nurses, who are, or should be, women. "They set them up and then they throw them under the bus," he thundered, although others in his own party were equally vehement in their disagreement, preferring the rhetorical use of the phrase "sent to the back of the bus" for its ironic historical resonance.

Eagle Forum founder Phyllis Schlafly, inexplicably still alive, insisted that Obama engineered the epidemic because he thinks America is no greater than any other nation and that if Africa has Ebola, the United States should, too. Aggrieved members of the cabinet were overheard to complain that saying Africa has Ebola is like saying North America has pineapple trees. This reminder further inflamed the birther contingent, which sneered that Hawaii is not much of a state, really, and was only added to the union on paper to make the flag stars come out even. Nodding vigorously, an unnamed representative of the Palin family, which has always bristled at the presumed equivalence of Alaska and Hawaii, said she could see that point from her back porch.

Analysts urged caution, saying that it is too early in the epidemic to pinpoint the precise depth of Obama's involvement, or even determine who he intends to kill.

32 comments:

  1. Personally, I think it was Colonel Mustard, in the library, with the candlestick.

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  2. OMG! OMG! OMG! It's EBOLA!!! Oh no!
    Everywhere I turn, it's EBOLA!!!

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  3. The Ebola epidemic itself will never become a major problem in the US, but the epidemic of associated hype is all too pervasive. Fortunately, the main risk factor seems to be stupidity -- but this episode has demonstrated that there's far more of that around than anybody thought.

    I don't know which is worse -- the fact that prominent wingnuts are descending to this level in their efforts to attack the president, or the fact that their nonsense is getting traction among the troglodyte "base".

    Thanks for bringing your usual finely-honed mockery to bear here.

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    1. It never ends. I just read some website the other day--someone absolutely incensed because "why do 'they' say it's not that contagious, but then 'they' buy all those hazmat suits for the health workers? Where are OUR hazmat suits?" Um...360 million hazmat suits, stat!

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  4. Michelle Obama is supposed to come here to Minnesota this week. I am sure she's part of the conspiracy. If I were smart (I'm not) I would corner the market on saran wrap and duct tape and make myself a fortune!

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    1. Ooo, you just put me in mind of Kathy Bates all burritoed up in Saran wrap for her husband, in Fried Green Tomatoes. For which I thank you.

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  5. I do love me a good conspiracy.
    Everyone knows of course that the President was conceived in a black magic ceremony in Haiti (not Kenya, as was previously thought).
    Also, the Ebola virus often forms in a '6', as in 666. Coincidence? I think not.....

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    1. Black magic. Well at least we know how they were able to time his birth so cleverly. Clears that up.

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  6. Leave it to a Liberal to tongue in cheek blame the President while subliminally planting the cause on "Bush" meat.

    You are a mad genius!

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    1. Ah, Joe, you're one ahead of me. I didn't even THINK about capital-B bush when I wrote that. Huh! Dude!

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  7. Considering the gravity of the situation, I just cannot believe you didn't make a respirator for Pootie from a styrofoam cup and a couple of strips of medical tape. You do know he can't breathe under that plastic, dontcha?

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    1. Little-known fack: Pootie's nose-holes don't even go all the way through. He's a walking miracle.

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  8. I caught the 'bola on the bus this morning. It was delicious.

    Pearl

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    1. You ain't right, Pearl. I like that about you.

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    2. Something something Latin Latin no no!

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  9. A point or two to ponder in there, but I'm not going to bother. I'm just going to pray that Ebola dies a speedy death wherever it is.

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    1. Shoot, could happen. We got rid of smallpox. Of course, that takes a sustained public health effort and a lot of resources. Good luck with that.

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  10. Here's what fries my (size 4) ass: Thousands are killed every year by gun violence and nada, zip, nothng. Two people get offed by ebola and now we have an "ebola czar." Really, Mr. Prez?

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    1. Oh, he had to. The NRA has refused to let him put in his Surgeon General.

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  11. This too shall pass as there are at least one hundred more crises "we" will be able to blame on this president before he is out of office.

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    1. He sure has gotten gray in a hurry. I don't wonder.

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  12. really! REALLY!! Is the intelligence of this country slipping?????

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  13. "Eagle Forum founder Phyllis Schlafly, inexplicably still alive" - love that - well, only the good die young.

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    1. I was amazed to find her still kicking. Also amazed to read all these facts about Obama, only one of which I am making up.

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  14. You are more likely to marry Kim Kardashian than to die from Ebola.

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    1. I'd need that hazmat suit in either case.

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  15. three days of torrential rain in western Maine - strange that it coincides with Obama's statements about climate change - and just before the elections.

    the Ol'Buzzard

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