Saturday, October 18, 2014

Sticking With What Works


A Texas man has sued a daycare center for damages after its proprietor was discovered to have duct-taped his child to the floor during nap time. Attorneys for the defense noted that the duct-taping was discovered only after their own surveillance cameras revealed it. "If we hadn't gone to the expense of installing security in the first place, to monitor gunplay and non-custodial interference and the like," defendant said, "none of this would have come to light. And if a child is duct-taped to the floor and there is nobody there to peel him up, can it be proven that adhesion has occurred?" Defense further stated that plaintiff's spawn was not himself duct-taped to the floor, but merely his blanket, into which he had been expertly folded and sealed in accordance with industry standards.

"It doesn't matter," said plaintiff Earl Ray "Ray-Ray" Ray, indignant. "That there is theft of intellectual property, plain and simple."

Mr. Ray had already run trials of the duct-tape child security and escape prevention system in his own home and in the homes of grateful neighbors. The system appeared to be functioning as visualized, and a startup for the Juniorator 5000 was to have been announced in the next year.

"It fills a need," Mr. Ray explained. "Maybe in your fancypants neighborhoods, anyone can afford to install a Velcro wall and buy matching vests in sizes 2T and up. But we're here for the real Americans."

Witness for the plaintiff Molly Ray Bygolly nodded enthusiastically. "I can't always rely on my harness and leash," she said. "I got things to do. Oh, sure, over there across town you'll see mothers trotting after their Tylers or their Sophies or what-have-you, pleading with them to turn around before they hit the intersection, and offering them the choice of skipping or leap-frogging back," she said. "But I need yanking capabilities and I need the Juniorator. I don't have all day--I gotta go to work."

Mr. Ray nodded. "This is America," he said. "We don't all of us have cellars, and them what do don't always have the jingle to hire a locksmith. There needs to be an affordable alternative for parents like us."

He raised his shoulders. "I mean, what have we got left? The gubmint is already fixin' to outlaw spanking. Twenty-four other countries already have, they say. Like we ought to be doing what all the other nations do. Well, that's all we need. Bunch of kids running into traffic yelling 'fromage, fromage.' BAM!" He illustrated his point with fluttering hands, followed by a fist pounded into his palm.

Mr. Ray's father Earl Ray Ray Sr. stumped in, folded his arms and sat down in the witness stand with a commanding thunk. "Candy-asses," he said, with a curdling stare toward the defendant's lawyer. "All of 'em. Hell, we didn't have the niceties when we was coming up. This 'un here, he came out okay, but he was only one of eight. My mam and pap had fifteen or sixteen, originally, depending on whether you ast Big Earl or one of the middle Earls. All I know is you learn to play it straight when you're in a family of more kids than your parents can count. We come from a long line of butchers, and Pappy could keep track of ten of us at first, but once the fingers started to go, it got dicey for the littlest ones. Nobody's ever gonna miss little Earlene, or Raylene neither, but if we'd had duct-tape technology, we might have saved 'em all. Might have saved us a No Bell prize winner," he said.

Earl Ray Ray Sr. paused, tapping his chin with a stub, and regarded his son thoughtfully. "Probably not, but maybe," he mused.

25 comments:

  1. Duct tape is obviously an indispensable tool for parenting, as well as for the myriad of other uses it has around the house. "Ray-Ray" never even mentioned one of it's other important applications in parenting: ensuring "quiet time". Nothing keeps those little monsters... I mean, angels... quiet like duct tape over the ole pie-hole. After, of course, duct taping them to the floor, so that they can't just rip the tape off their mouths.

    I'm amazed that the duct-tape manufacturers don't advertise this use for their product, as so many parents seem to be unaware of it. Maybe they could even make it in child-friendly patterns, as the band-aid manufacturers do.

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    1. And not just the pie-hole. There are other holes.This could be a REAL boon to busy parents everywhere. Tweety-bird duct tape! I like it. Or I would have sixty years ago. I guess I'd have to suffer with princess tape now. Bleah.

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  2. Actually they do make duct tape in many fashionable colors and patterns now to coordinate with your decor.

    I can think of many occasions when DT would have come in mighty handy:-) which makes me wonder "why did'nt I think of that...

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    1. Maybe you can start up production first, and then you'll have to duke it out with Ray-Ray. I don't advise it. He got kin.

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  3. Why does it have to always be Texicans ? Are we the onlyest ones with any imagination ?

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    1. I was thinking the same thing myself. Some of your esteemed leaders have the most imagination of all.

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  4. Fromage! Fromage! I bout busted a gut laughin over that un.

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  5. So who's Pootie's friend?

    Or have we already met?

    Entertaining, as usual :) I especially enjoyed your vernacular.

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    1. You might have seen him a few times. That's little Hajerle, Pootie's best friend and wing man. Hajerle likes to help with the photo shoots but will never be seen in a dominating position. He appears to be okay with that.

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    2. Okay, there must be a story behind that name!

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    3. Hajerle? Well sure. We found Hajerle at the Arfnage and bailed him out. It took a while to discover his name. It's pronounced "Harley" (and he did turn out to have a thing for motorcycles), but it's spelled like his hero Dan Majerle. Both the Poots and Hajerle are basketball fans. Will that hold you for now?

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    4. I'm almost sorry I asked. He's got a better back story than I do.

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  6. Don't laugh, but I couldn't have raised my daughter without duct tape and a pocket knife. We were poor. What can I say?

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    1. She did look a little jumpy when we met.

      Kidding.

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  7. I love duct tape, it's so versatile! Never needed it for the kids though. Once my babies were asleep they were like logs, none of your tossing turning wriggling going on there. The tape did come in handy for patching small holes in the wading pool and holding broken dolls together.

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    1. You reminded me that when my first stuffed animal, a dinosaur named Federal, got a rip in him, Mom didn't do surgery, but sent him off to live on a farm. I guess I squalled enough. None of my ensuing 45 critters ever got sent away. I still miss Federal.

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  8. I fear I have nothing humorous to add. Our youngest was in day care prior to kindergarten, someone we knew who ran a day care business at her home. When our girl was in the fifth grad the owner of the day care died from CA. We went to the funeral, at some point our girl wondered if she'd ever stopped locking the kids in a bathroom with no windows, lights out, when they misbehaved, for an hour.

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    1. First you heard about it, huh? Did you help shovel dirt in the grave?

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  9. Anyone complaining about day care should envision being locked in their own house with their own child times twelve for eight plus hours a day. I know most parents love their children; but given the chance for a do-over I believe most couples would prefer cats (or bears.)
    the Ol'Buzzard

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    1. Bears are super easy in the wintertime.

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  10. Seems to me that, if you'll first wad up a hunk of duct tape, then insert it in the pie hole, you' ll achieve quiet without having to worry about color coordination. Would this also help snoring?

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    1. Applied correctly, it cures snoring permanently.

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  11. Many people feel that close swaddling is a comforting, soothing sensation for a child. You've gotta be fast, though. Those little suckers get one foot free, and it's hell to pay in thirty seconds. The screaming dies down pretty fast if you wrap them tight enough.

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    1. If it's Duck Tape, it's close waddling, right?

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