Saturday, August 7, 2010

Bear Awareness






There's a GI Rights Hotline that soldiers can call if they suddenly discover that they are conscientious objectors and want out. These days the hotline is taking more and more calls from personnel who do not want to serve alongside (or beneath) gay soldiers. That is, the kind they know about. The threat level of becoming aware of fellow soldiers' sexuality is now surging into the orange zone since Congress has paved the way to repealing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." As a recent worried hotline caller remarked, "If homosexuality is actually allowed, I will be housed with somebody who's sexually attracted to me." You can't buy that kind of self-esteem.

As everything does, this reminds me of working in the post office. It was a staple of workroom comedy to report on the perils of delivering mail to certain taverns in certain areas of town. In a typical monologue, a carrier would cop to a case of the willies when he would go into one of these establishments and be greeted in what he deemed an excessively friendly manner. "Whatever you do, if you're in C. C. Slaughters and drop a letter, don't bend over to pick it up!" Ha ha! The classics never fail. The comedian would bask in the roars of laughter, scratching his butt through his stained, baggy trousers, his beer-belly in full gestation and quivering with mirth.

"What exactly is it about you that you think homosexual men find so irresistible?" I always ask, causing the gentleman to stare uncertainly, mouth ajar, a tiny trickle of tobacco juice following the crusty trail to his chin. Well. He can't point to a particular thing, exactly, but he's quite confident of his magnetic qualities.

I don't blame him. Without having tested it in the wild, I'm confident I am immensely attractive to bears. If Dave and I are walking in the woods, and we come upon a grizzly bear, I know I'm going to get the worst of it. Dave will be tough and stringy, even after being tenderized by mosquitoes. I, on the other hand, look yummy. I am the original Slow Food, undoubtedly delectable with the right sauce, and as a bonus, I am likely to produce the sauce myself. Some things you just know.

So I understand that when my coworkers, or our military's finest, rattle off fag jokes at a steady clip, they are essentially carrying bear bells. They are warning the bears of their presence so as to be less vulnerable to attack. Let's review what to do if you are in danger of being attacked by a bear:

Grab hold of your bells and jingle, jangle, jingle.

Look big. Hold your hands up high above your head. (Review The Village People's "Y-M-C-A" for an example. We are looking for "Y.")

If attacked, immediately drop to a fetal position ("C"). Some sources report that a better outcome can be achieved by lying prone and straight, legs together, vital parts protected by the ground. It's up to you to decide which are your vital or most vulnerable parts, but rolling over and over while you think about it is not recommended.

Anything that you are carrying that might attract a bear should be placed up high in a tree or a bear pole. Determine your most attractive assets, sling them over that pole and rest easy.

If assaulted, play dead. (This will probably work in any scenario.)

Remember, although these steps may gain you some advantage, there are no guarantees when it comes to bears. Face it, you're a hopelessly attractive dude. It's the mullet, you big redwood, you.

28 comments:

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  2. As difficult (I was going to say hard) as it might be, I'm pretty sure that most gays can somehow find the wherewithal to resist creeping up on most straights.

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  3. Makes you proud to be an American when people behave this way towards gay soldiers, bears I understand, but seriously, soldiers? Oh wait, it's cause their gay right? Sissy little homophobes.

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  4. I don't get what they are so afraid of. Oh wait. Maybe I do. They can dish it out but they can't take it. Like most men I know.

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  5. We are very good at creating problems out of nothing. I know some gay guys at work and never even considered that I may be 'prey' to them. Maybe if I sucked in my stomach...

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  6. Grizzly bear attacks on humans are fairly rare. Gay men attacks on straight men are even more rare. I'm so busy worrying about pianos falling on my head from tall buildings that I don't have time for rarities.

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  7. Dan Savage says he thinks servicepersons should be more concerned about giving gay men access to weapons...heh. Not that I am advocating revenge. At least, not publicly.

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  8. Personally, I think God miss a big opportunity when he didn't just create us all bisexual. Double the dating pool and one less group to hate on.

    Why do I suspect that most of these homophobe soldiers are from red states?

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  9. :-) They're ringing bear bells, exactly.

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  10. I love you guys. But be not afraid.

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  11. Do bears shit in the woods? I donno, but I sure as hell would if I saw one!

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  12. Remember that night after too many beers at the Blitz tasting room, You, Dave, Gail, and Myself. We shut down the tasting room and moved on to a bar I had delivered mail to in the neighborhood. After arrival a quick glance made it clear that you and Gail were the only females and Dave and I were of the same sex as all the other customers...but not really, THE SAME SEX, as in the verb. We had a beer and listened to the music, and not once did I feel that I might be so desired by the other customers that I would be dragged into some room in the back and introduces into the "gay lifestyle". Even though Dave and I had used the trough urinal with a view. Get over it boys, there are so many of them that they could care less about you and your homophobic mind.






    e

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  13. Everybody, Goose is the handsome fellow third from the left in the photo with Cliff Claven. I do remember that night, barely. It was the only time I was in a very crowded bar where the longest line was for the men's restroom. The ladies' just had me, Gail, and four or five drag queens.

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  14. The gay grizzly bear population might take exception to all of this chit chat, and so be fur warned, that the bare truth is that 20%+ of the population is gay - and happy too. If that's an issue for some, then it's time to take one's bearings, balls and all,and head to the YMCA!

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  15. It's always baffled me that a not-even-marginally -good-looking straight man would live in terror of some sort of random Sadie Hawkins Day For Gays. If straight women find him completely resistible, why would he think gay men wouldn't?

    Continuing with the Li'l Abner theme: If you make your own sauce, does that make you a Shmoo?

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  16. Finally giving credit to the day-glo clad, mulleted redwoods of the world, Murr. I'm glad you can finally admit how hot that stuff really is. Something about that photo, though--it just made me think, "Mustache Rides, 10 Cents."

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  17. I too rarely understand the fear with which some straight men approach gay men. As merely being in possession of the appropriate chromosomes makes them irresistible.

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  18. Yes, the mullet, AND the day-glo wife-beater. He's adorable. Thing is, some folks still are under the misapprehension that gayness is contagious.

    Stefanie

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  19. I've lived in and around the gay village in Toronto for many years, during which time I've been hit upon by gays. Through this experience I've learned a valuable secret to dealing with this horrendous and terrifying experience. I say, "Sorry, I'm not gay."

    Works every time.

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  20. Maybe sometimes the man doth protest too much?

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  21. The YMCA re-enactment photo totally made my day. That you know one of the mens in it made tomorrow for me. If only the homophobes could hear how those sex-crazed Attack Homosexuals might describe them if they deigned even to note their passing, it might put those fears gently to bed.

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  22. But what about GAY GRIZZLY BEARS? Huh??

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  23. Think of it this way. The world is rapidly becoming over populated. Most gay men cannot be accused of causing this problem. If they adopt, they're just making a family of someone else's ready-made. So they serve a wonderful purpose. Loving parents to a child who needs a family!

    I have gay friends, and we both know we are not attracted to each other. But we can still enjoy each other's company and wit. A win, win situation!
    Any woman knows a gay man is the best escort and friend in the world!

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  24. Frankly, I think it's great that the homophobes are dropping like flies from the military. I don't think they have the mental capacity to be trusted with a gun (just as a three year old wouldn't be trusted with a gun) and I don't feel like my tax dollars should go toward supporting someone with a gay-hating attitude. Please, homophobes, DO quit the military! I don't like financing your lifestyle!

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  25. But what about GAY GRIZZLY BEARS? Huh??

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  26. The YMCA re-enactment photo totally made my day. That you know one of the mens in it made tomorrow for me. If only the homophobes could hear how those sex-crazed Attack Homosexuals might describe them if they deigned even to note their passing, it might put those fears gently to bed.

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  27. Yes, the mullet, AND the day-glo wife-beater. He's adorable. Thing is, some folks still are under the misapprehension that gayness is contagious.

    Stefanie

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  28. It's always baffled me that a not-even-marginally -good-looking straight man would live in terror of some sort of random Sadie Hawkins Day For Gays. If straight women find him completely resistible, why would he think gay men wouldn't?

    Continuing with the Li'l Abner theme: If you make your own sauce, does that make you a Shmoo?

    ReplyDelete