Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Erection Day

To better protect the homeland, the Transportation Security Administration has announced an enhancement of its pat-down procedures for airport passenger screening. The hand-pats of old are giving way to something described as "more of a sliding motion." The improved method is said to be more likely to reveal something on the person that might explode, or at least swell up a little. I know I feel safer, and also a little funny in the tummy.

The technique is employed when a traveler refuses to use the backscatter X-ray screen, which produces an image of the person naked for as long as it takes the screeners to scan for suspicious packages. As a third option, there will be a small stage and pole set up for the do-it-yourself crowd.

Airport screeners are divided in how they feel about the new procedures. A number of those who were highly enthusiastic have been taken into custody for one thing or another, while many who are not in favor have complained about their workloads. "My job keeps getting harder and harder," said one frazzled agent.  She reports that she responded to the pressure of long lines by improving the efficiency and speed of her sliding motions, only to find that her line became by far the longest.

The fight against threats to the homeland has even hit the ballot box. Yesterday, Oklahoma voters weighed in on prohibiting sharia, the Islamic system of law under which, for instance, a thief might have his hand cut off. The "Save Our State" amendment was proposed by Republican state representative Rex Duncan to protect against real threats such as higher taxes for the wealthy, health care for all and various efforts to mitigate global warming. Sharia, of course, like any system of religious law, is already prohibited by the U.S. constitution under the separation of church and state provision currently refudiated by leading Republicans. But that doesn't mean it's not a grave threat to our justice system. Under sharia, being stoned is the penalty for adultery, not the cause of it. Animals used for meat must be humanely slaughtered, which would destroy our pork and chicken industries. And every Muslim living above subsistence level must pay an annual poor tax, calculated by the wealth, not income, of the individual. Rep. Duncan is right to be alarmed.

This is a serious issue, reminiscent of the great leprechaun panic at the turn of the 20th century, during which tiny little signs were posted at Ellis Island stating "you must be this tall to enter here." Already reports have surfaced of bundles of sharia being smuggled inside checked luggage, with the address tags cleverly altered to read "Oklahoma State Courthouse." The entire Muslim population of Oklahoma, Qusay and Rahib, protested that they had only planned to impose sharia in the little skinny portion of the state hanging out on the left side, but they appear to have been thwarted. In an interview, Rahib, disappointed that he will not enjoy the four wives he might have been allowed under sharia, says he plans to spend a lot of time in line at the airport.

The push to redundantly outlaw sharia law in constitutions across the country is becoming widespread. Americans had been relatively calm about their own Muslim population until agitated by the likes of Rep. Duncan and Newt Gingrich. This has led to counter-efforts on the part of liberals to repeal Newton's First Law of Motion, which states that "every body remains in a state of rest unless it is acted on by an external, unbalanced force."

I think it is a shame. There are some aspects of sharia law that might come in handy. I believe that if some politician is able to come in and stir up the rankest emotions of our populace to no purpose other than personal advancement, we should be able to cut off his money.

28 comments:

  1. Apparently regular tests of security procedures show that 75% of terrorist devices would not be revealed by routine scanning. That really boosts my sense of security no end. I'd like to book one of those sliding motions though....

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  2. After last night, I'm ready to borrow the tea party line and yell "I want my country back!"

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  3. Yep, those leprechauns are definitely terrorist threats. And I echo hokgardner: what the heck is happening to my country?? Thanks for the great post, it's one of the few things that I have smiled about this morning.

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  4. Screw the right to privacy and all that BS, I just feel sorry for the people who have to spend hours and hours every day looking at naked people and doing the sliding thing with their hands. That's cruel and unusual punishment right there.

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  5. I kinda think that TSA is blowing raspberries at the rest of us. I almost see it as a challenge...
    The scientist in me wants to go play "Can you feel it now? Can you feel it now?" with the pat-down folks...

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  6. Oklahoma also passed the English Only bill. So any references to Oklahoma should now be "Red People".

    Sign me,
    Tim
    Red People City, Red People, USA

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  7. I was disturbed though that Oklahoma, though it narrowly dodged adopting Sharia, has nothing in place to prevent it from adopting the legal code of the Odanamba tribe of New Guinea. The state is still terribly at risk.

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  8. Sorry, Murr, I still love you, but I feel the need to point out that it is not entirely true that: "Americans had been relatively calm about their own Muslim population until agitated by the likes of Rep. Duncan and Newt Gingrich." Nineteen Muslims hijacking planes and killing innocent Americans on September 11th, 2001 in an unprovoked act of terrorism kinda had something to do with it. Elaine

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  9. All I heard is "I still love you." Aww!

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  10. I will never forget travelling back from Australia having the (female) airport security agent do a pat down. Just as she ran her hands over my backside she said, "How is your day going, ma'am?" I guess trying to break the tension. I had to bite my lip to keep from saying, "It'll be going a lot better as soon as you get your hands off my ass."

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  11. Do they charge you for the new and improved pat-downs?

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  12. @Anonymous Elaine,

    I would point out that none of the terrorists involved in 9/11 were part of our Muslim population. None of them had been in the country for more than a few months.

    And, as I recall, a country that was 95% Catholic tried to take over the world a few decades ago. Still worried about that? I am.

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  13. Elizabeth BrewsterNovember 3, 2010 at 8:02 PM

    The pictures of all the posters at the rally to restore sanity really made me happy...
    http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/gallery/2010/10/25/GA2010102501514.html

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  14. Laughing so hard I couldn't make it through the whole thing. OMG.

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  15. Let's see here, a surprising number of secret exhibitionists will choose the stage and pole. Even better if they put up some folding chairs and charge for tickets. Haven't decided yet if I want to be felt-up or show myself to the world in my birthday suit.

    As for Sharia law being practiced in Frankford, TX, I can assure you that all that's left of Frankford is a pioneer cemetery tucked under a freeway in the middle of Dallas. My pioneer ancestors are buried there. Someone please tell Ms Angle that those are shrouds, not burkhas.

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  16. Ah, Murr... You are a treasure. Idiots are reproducing faster than fruit flies these days.

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  17. As a lifelong Okie, I'd like to say you've got the politics down pat! I'd love to write more, but I've got to get down to the airport for a job interview.

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  18. I have been writing to Homeland Security for years asking them to adopt my suggestion of everyone being required to fly NAKED! It would cut security checkpoint times in half and make more people on airplanes request the window seat instead of the aisle.

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  19. Kat-I want to be there when you mess with the TSA agents' minds!
    Murr, you are a wonder, and I mean that in the very best sense!!!

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  20. Kat-I want to be there when you mess with the TSA agents' minds!
    Murr, you are a wonder, and I mean that in the very best sense!!!

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  21. I have been writing to Homeland Security for years asking them to adopt my suggestion of everyone being required to fly NAKED! It would cut security checkpoint times in half and make more people on airplanes request the window seat instead of the aisle.

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  22. I kinda think that TSA is blowing raspberries at the rest of us. I almost see it as a challenge...
    The scientist in me wants to go play "Can you feel it now? Can you feel it now?" with the pat-down folks...

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  23. This comment has been removed by the author.

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