Saturday, October 11, 2014

Count Your Holes

German citizen Rolf Buchholz was denied entry into Dubai at the airport, ostensibly because he was suspected of practicing black magic. The horns he'd had installed on his head made Security nervous. If I were to see him coming through my line with those horns on his head, I wouldn't have immediately thought of black magic. I'd have thought, dude can't buy hats off the rack. But they're touchy in Dubai.

Mr. Buchholz had plenty more going on than just the antlerage, though. In fact, he is in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most piercings of anyone on the planet. And you know what that means. That means there's someone in the world whose job it is to count holes in a human being, outside of a medical setting.

Many of Buchholz's personal barnacles are in the facial region, especially around the mustache and soul-patch zone. Which means his stubble has to fight its way through a lot of rubble. Perhaps he doesn't have much of a beard at all. Perhaps that's how this whole business got started in the first place. "Pretty thin beard," he probably said, only in German. "Perhaps it would look more manly if I sewed in a raft of little beads." Black magic aside, this can be a serious threat to passers-by if he does have to shave. When we try to mow the alley next to our house, pebbles shoot out everywhere. It's not safe. And God forbid the guy has to sneeze--he'd be all Dick Cheney on a duck-hunt.

Even if he isn't a danger to others, his enhancement project can't be good for him. I only ever got the standard two extra holes put in. Had it done at a mall with the neighbor girl. I can still remember the sound of the chnnk as the needle poked into my iced-up earlobe, followed by the kchrrrr of the dental floss pulling through. Within a year I had accumulated a bunch of huge hoop earrings with metal dangly bits. Liberace's piano would have looked right at home under them.

It worked for me for a while. I'd discovered long hippie dresses made of India-print cotton, and with earrings like wind chimes I was finally, for the first time in my life, fashionable, and on the cheap. Then the earholes began to sour. They were sore and crusty and I'd knock the pus off and keep jamming in the jewelry. Then I left it out for a bit, and then a bit longer, and eventually abandoned it altogether. It was just as well. Sometimes they'd get caught on my hair or my dress and start ripping things, and it wasn't worth the trouble. Poor Mr. Buchholz is at risk of losing half his face every time he pulls off his T-shirt.

So why do that to yourself? I can only assume Mr. Buchholz wanted to distinguish himself in some way. And he just wasn't up to learning the violin.

46 comments:

  1. First thought that occurred to me: The poor guy didn't have much in the looks department to begin with, but now he's never going to get laid.

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    1. Oh I think he has a certain animal magnetism.

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  2. No,no,no, I did not see this at all. I am averting my eyes but it lingers in my brain.

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    1. It was kind of mean of me. But how else do you illustrate this?

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  3. You really need to warn people somehow if you're going to post a picture like that.

    Unless he's seriously mentally ill, there's no way anyone would do that stuff to himself unless he deliberately wanted to antagonize and disgust anyone who sees him. He really can't complain when that's just the reaction he gets.

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    1. The thing that gets me is that it's such a bad job. I mean, if you were going to Bedazzle yourself, couldn't you be a little more artistic?

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  4. Wonder how many pounds of metal and assorted plastics he wears on a given day? And this is just his face. Surely he's also pierced a lot of other places. Wonder what his upper lip will look like in thirty years? will the weight of metal stretch it out?


    Why would he go to Dubai?

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    1. He was invited to Dubai to a sort of freak show. It's a living.

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  5. Are those gigantic earlobe flaps? Yeeesh... Just want to report that the photo caused my iPad to abort back to the home screen.

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    1. Your iPad has delicate sensibilities. That's sweet. Give it a cookie and some milk.

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  6. Oh no. Some things, once seen, cannot be unseen. And floribunda, I hadn't even noticed the ear flaps. Ick. My own fault though. I did choose to go back to look.

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    1. See? See? What's THAT about? You had to look. There's no explaining it.

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  7. This Murr, is beyond the pale. One toke over the line. Jumping the shark.

    Next party I have, he's invited.

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    1. Might well be your last party. Or the last one anyone attends.

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  8. I suspect every time he goes through a security check point the shrieks from the abused machines are deafening.
    I think it is very, very ugly but it is his face. Or was his face.

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    1. I didn't even get into the rest of him. He has rings attached all over his body from which he can be suspended from the ceiling with ropes.

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  9. And we aren't even talking - yet - about the evident tattooing situation...

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    1. You know, a good bunch of piercing is ONE way to cover up a bad tattoo.

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  10. I'm not too keen on scarification or pain or getting stuck face first on something magnetic. A few years ago it was a big deal to pierce your ears all around the outer ring. Some had about 30 studs, culminating in a doodad or six on the lobe. Now our ears grow all our lives, so presumably those holes will too. And say you get sick of them when you are about 83 and take them all out: do these folks end up like an ersatz ocarina, never able to go out in the wind again without having Mozart's Bassoon Concerto whistling away on the sides of their head?

    I don't even want to think about the shape of his tooth enamel either.

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    1. That's all I need. More whistling sounds coming from nowhere. My tinnitus could carry the horn section, and I don't even want to tell you how much percussion I have going on at any given time.

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  11. I read somewhere that excessive piercings and tattooing are often the result of psychological and/or physical abuse. It's a way of taking control of your pain--inflicting it upon yourself. If that's true, this poor guy must really be suffering.

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    1. I delivered mail to a man who claims to be the most-tattooed man in the world. There might be a handful of totally-tattooed people, I don't know. He says he got into it to take control of a body he thought was failing him (a kidney ailment, I think) and to "do something really hard."

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  13. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Many people like multiple piercings and tattoos. Some make their living by it. To each his/her own!

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    1. Absolutely. It's interesting that things like this which are so personal are TAKEN personally by other people. Of course, I doubt that any human being would do any of this if he/she were alone in the world. It's definitely meant to be shared, to provoke, to stand out, whatever--you need People to get any kind of bang out of it at all. This guy, whatever his initial reasons were, does rent himself out as a freak.

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    2. "This guy, whatever his initial reasons were, does rent himself out as a freak."

      Not unlike the sideshow at a circus in days past - where those who were different could make a living, find a social circle and even get respect/power (based on fear, sometimes, but still).

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    3. And I would think it's so much harder to be a sideshow freak now that average people on the street look a little like the freaks of the past.

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  14. Murr, Dick Cheney's misfire was on a quail hunt. If it had been a duck hunt, the poor blighter who got broadsided wouldn't have been so lucky.

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    1. Right you are, Bruce! How soon we forget what the old fart was blasting away at. Probably quail that had oil in 'em.

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  15. Poor thing fell down the basement stairs with the tackle box.

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    1. That sounds like something I would do, doesn't it?

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  16. Mine got pierced by a friend, too, with ice, in the girls' bathroom at school. I think the holes are all closed up. But I might get a tattoo at some point.

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  17. Interesting job that would be, traveling the world counting people's holes. Perhaps Mr. Bucholz had his beard removed permanently by laser to allow the piercings. I'm wondering about his personal life though, does he have a girlfriend or wife and what does she think when she kisses that face?
    Personally, I don't like that look.

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    1. I know that some people are very attracted to this kind of thing. And other people go to expense to have their little moles removed.

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  18. Third try: What kind of job can this guy hold?

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    1. Oooh, I hate that it took you three tries. What is it with this here Internet jibber-jabber? I always think it's me, but hope it's The Internet, or Blogger, and not (shudder) my actual computer.

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  19. "I know that some people are very attracted to this type of thing." The first thought I had reading that was "Yeah, if they are carrying a magnet". Truly, he's certainly welcome to do that to himself, and he's not forcing anyone else to do so. But he's gonna regret it when he hits 80, mark my word!

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    1. It has occurred to me that a mighty fine coffee-table book will be made of the residuals of the current body-modification fashion.

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  20. This guy has it all wrong if his goal is to distinguish himself.

    If he had the horns removed, gave up the holes, and seized a perfectly innocent heart away from a sick child who is far more deserving of a second chance at life, he could be the Vice President of the United States.

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    1. Agi Tater indeed! I have no idea what you're talking about, but you do seem sincere. Although I doubt we're on the same page. Shit, dear, ANYONE can be Vice President of the United States! Sarah Palin even had a shot, if you can imagine that. She and her family are busy with other battles, as I understand it.

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    2. I don't think so. I'm pretty sure the VP position is reserved for idiots and sociopaths, though I do love your optimism. Here's hoping I'm terribly wrong.

      (And my point was that Dick Cheney had his horns removed and … ah fuck it.)

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    3. Aww, it's so obvious now! I got sidelined trying to figure out what poor Joey Biden did to tick you off. Yeah, Vice President is a weird-ass position. I think I could do it in my jammies, with a beer. The way I do everything else.

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    4. I think you're overqualified Murr. Make that beer high octane enough to knock you on your ass and you're still overqualified.

      Maybe throw in a couple of Ambien, scribble a few notes on your hand about Paul Revere warning the British, and you might possibly be able to compete with Sarah Palin.

      Might.

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