Saturday, February 4, 2012

Infecting The Blogosphere

One of the more annoying discoveries I have made is that there is such a thing as an "influential blogger." I'm not against the principle that someone who never gets out of pajamas could exert influence. I just don't know why it can't be me. I have opinions. I have desires to change the world. What I don't have is influence, and until recently, I didn't realize you could.

But there are whole lists of influential bloggers. Included is a blog that influences people to send in photos of their badly-spelling cats. This sucker gets millions of hits. Well, I can't have people sending in pictures of their cats. Murrmurrs is a one-cat blog and if one of my pictures of Tater saw a picture of another cat sidle into the text, it would get all fluffy and chase it into the blog roll. It's out of the question.

There are bloggers who become influential because they do meticulous research and have keen analytical minds, and they can be relied upon to deliver insightful content that helps people understand their world. Ha ha! Just kidding. The primary way of becoming an influential blogger is to make up something totally nuts and just fling it out there. People get all excited. That's how a peace-loving imam who wanted to establish a community gym and center for peace and understanding in the heart of New York City got revealed to be a guy who wanted to stone adulterers and force American women to wear the burka. No wait, that was Rick Santorum. Whatever. At any rate, America soon got in a froth of false righteousness, the imam got his comeuppance, and the blogger got a ton of hits. That's what I want too. So here goes:

(1) Scientists at the Whole Cloth Institute for Fabricated Studies have concluded that the use of leaf blowers causes unsightly blotching, anal seepage, and sudden, irreversible hair loss. Prolonged use can lead to a compulsion to burst into "The Flowers That Bloom In The Spring, Tra La" at major sporting events, and premature death. By homicide.

(2) Archaeologists investigating stone tablets recently discovered in the mountains of Chile have concluded that they are relics of the ancient, fabled Parapluidian culture that died out mysteriously five thousand years ago, leaving only the remains of an airstrip and a big pile of rocks with spooky eyeballs carved in them. Language experts noting the similarity of the runes to those of the Gullibilia tribe have been able to translate the tablets, which appear to predict the end of the world in the 21st century. The Parapluidians, due to their own extinction, are widely assumed to have been on to something. Mankind's demise will come about because of the wrath of a dark underground monster of immense power, the blood of which has been drawn to the surface against its will, turning nation against nation, and saturating the very air we breathe. Particularly in the developed world, vast populations are now preparing for the apocalypse, with many observers noting that the Earth is now perfectly aligned with Mars, as well as with Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, and a number of other heavenly bodies all at the same time, although not all in a row or anything, but still. Many in positions of power are urging the use of burnt offerings of the blood of the monster as a form of appeasement, but archaeologists are banding together to report that the tablets say this is the exact wrong thing to do, and only ticks off the monster. The only way to avoid doom is to leave the monster undisturbed and creep quietly along the surface, taking in the sunshine.

(3) And last, a note to our friends across Asia. Word on the street is that ground CEO penis improves sexual potency.

80 comments:

  1. Quote of the day which will keep me amused every time I think of it:
    "bloggers who become influential because they do meticulous research and have keen analytical minds, and they can be relied upon to deliver insightful content that helps people understand their world. Ha ha! Just kidding."

    By the way, I love the ice cream cone lamp and Tater's blue eyes.

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    1. In one of the photos Dave took, the ice cream lamp was right behind my head. It looked like I'd sprung a turrible leak.

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  2. Look at that beautiful kitty baby...he obviously owns everyone and everything in the house. Now maybe if HE started blogging......

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    1. Every post would be "mouse. mouse. mouse. mouse. mouse."

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    2. Lovely! Do you think would Tater come and visit me? We lost our last blacksnake this winter and now the mice keep trying to come indoors.

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  3. Hmmmm. What makes you think you are not an influential blogger?

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  4. Yes, Master. Must. Hit. Many. Share. Buttons.

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  5. Holy fracking hell! Do you mean to tell me that those fracking frackers are going to awaken the Fracken and then... wait, wait... I get it. The underground monster is... OIL! And it is indeed rising up to destroy the earth. Brewster, you're a genius (or at least a blogger of influence)!

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    1. Yes, if we try to stop it they release the Fraken! We're doomed.

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  6. Hm. I know a certain political party that the scientists at the Whole Cloth Institute for Fabricated Studies have apparently been working overtime for. Maybe if I get a bigger allowance I can pay them to knock that off.

    I think (hope) you are an influential enough blogger that your last note to our friends across Asia will result in plenty of ground CEO penis dust being available in Asian markets across the globe.

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    1. Oh gosh. Could that happen? That would be such a disaster. For somebody.

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  7. You are going to get a ton of hits with these "revelations"! Probably some large cult following hanging on your every word about the Parapluidians. They are coming back, you know. Now the pressure will be on YOU to not disappoint them. The days of heavy drinking while sitting at the computer in your pajamas begin! Whoo hooo!

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  8. Does tater have a Siamese voice to go with those beautiful ble eyes? WHAT a handsome boy! Sorry - I has big lub for teh kitty picshurs.

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    1. No. She is of the high squeaky variety. But she can hold a note for fifteen seconds.

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  9. Under the influence. Whole Cloth Institute for Fabricated Studies. Damn. and I was drinking coffee again. Now it is sprayed all over the keyboard.

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    1. That's my ticket to riches! I'll invent a drink-based screen cleaner and provide the spray activator.

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  10. Well, it was the ice cream cone lamp, I just have to have one, not that I am a compulsive shopper or anything, it's just that my sones Cristmas Story Leg Lamp needs company. Gorgeous cat, most of ours are black so I am particularily partial since some dolt started that nasty rumor concerning black cats being bad luck. I think you need to do a piece on that dolt, seeing as how winter has set in, my brain has frozen despite the lack of snow here it is ridiculously cold and I seem to be incapable of anthing but sitting next to the fireplace and knitting handwarmers. Would you like a pair. I have a tack of thirty and growing next to my chair. The one with the imprint of my huge butt in it... :}

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    1. I find it hard to be uncheered when that lamp is on. Thanks about the handwarmers, but I spend a lot of time trying to expend heat.

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  11. Sorry---made a sexist assumption about Tater. What I MEANT to say was this:

    I noticed that Tater's presence became more and more prominent with each photo in this post. Does that mean SHE is now in charge of the blog, (as well as everything else, which I assume was the normal state of affairs already)? She is the spittin' image of the deity known as Basement Cat, you know.

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    1. As my new Blaugstralian friends have told me, Tater is my Blog Moggy. But around here, it's Pootie who's in charge of everything. No one wants to find out how it will go if he isn't in charge or at least thinks he is. No one.

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  12. My theory is that blogging influence is directly proportional to the bell curve. If you want to see your stats to go up, you need to be more self-absorbed, tone down your brilliance a few turns, and stop using smart-sounding phrases like "froth of self righteousness," especially in the same paragraph with the words "Rick Santorum." You may also have to register as a Republican.

    I would really hate to see that.

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  13. You're highly influential. Every time I visit, you influence me to be a better writer.

    And I understand that the CEO penis must be freshly severed.

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    1. It doesn't work as well if it isn't fresh, yes.

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  14. HAhaaaa... love Tater! and yes ... was just talking about this very thing last night -- ground CEO penis improves sexual potency -- So far they aren't endangered as the rhino's horns... but they must be alive at the time of said grinding and few of us have the stomach to do so.

    I took in a stray kitten a couple of years ago (she was hiding in my van - Homer's hood!) ... She was all black nary a bit of white or any other color any where - she and Tater look very much alike.

    I took her to be spayed through an organization -- Fur and Paws -- who will help defray costs for adopting stray animals and getting them their shots and so forth.

    The reason I'm writing this is because -- I was a hero! --- I was told black animals are almost unadoptable! what?

    I have seen many bloggers' cats ... and they are black. I never paid much attention before. I just like animals - cats especially.

    Wonder if it's a blogger thang...

    I think you're influential... my Mother always said that laughter cleanses the liver and well... my liver thanks you....

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  15. Well, you've definitely influenced me: I wonder, could you elaborate a bit more on the leaf blowing causing anal seepage thing? I truly would like to keep my leaf blower, but...

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    1. You're taking a really big risk, there. Really big risk. I wouldn't do it if I were you.

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  16. don't gotz a cat...don't gotz a leaf blower...

    what I gotz,see, is dis real big grin.... thanks for the giving....

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  17. Permission to re-blog? I want to be influenced by an influential blogger that becomes influential for doing nothing...

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  18. Are you sure that you are taking photographs of Tater and not of our Jazz. Who would certainly boil if he saw Tater in the flesh. That and pump his tail to toilet brush dimensions. Then run away.

    And from this perspective you are an influential blogger - one who makes us laugh and think in the same posts. Not an easy feat.

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    1. Maybe we should take a poll and clear up this black-cat/blogger thing right now.

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  19. count me in; you've influenced me to not have any liquid in my mouth when I read your blog. plus, my current life goal is to be rewarded generously for diddling around enjoying myself, and with those PJ's, you're clearly mentor-caliber.

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    1. Diddling in my pajamas? Mentor? I've got to start pulling those blinds.

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  20. I think you are influential, but if you want to be even more influential by getting even more readers, try using the labels "Abraham Lincoln," "Mary Todd Lincoln," and "American Girl Dolls." I guarantee results.

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    1. I just might try that. I'm unclear on the label thing anyway, and what it does for me. I do know that I get at least one hit a week from people googling Sex Dog Toy.

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  21. Oh, Migawd, Murr.....in some ways I do wish you were more influential.......if you could influence even half the world to think like you do all our troubles would be over and the world could be saved.

    As it is, damned if I know why you are not that influential......you are the God of my newly created religion...I and all of your readers worship you and then, consider the quality of your readers........I hate to drop my cloak of humility but we really are the best, you know.......just like YOU.

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    1. We are! I don't want to be God. I can't even keep guppies alive.

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  22. Well, you influence me, because I know I can click on your blog and find a huge dose of clever and witty!
    You also made me look up Parapluidian.

    The only, only reference on the WEB is your blog! I assumed they were some alien UmbrellaPeople, but that may be because in the distant past I took high school French.

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    1. HA HA HA I MADE YOU LOOK UP PARAPLUIDIAN!

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  23. Too bad it didn't occur to you to "bread" that lovely cat. Breading cats got lots of hits. I know I went to that site 4 times. Murr, if you had any more influence in the blogosphere you would be dangerous. I forwarded that estrogen post to my women friends on the mountain and there was wholesale pants wetting.

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  24. Ah. I'm guessing your women friends are of a certain age?

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  25. Just wrap Tater in Christmas paper while the video camera is running and be done with it. That's really the only reason anyone is here. They're hoping you'll wrap her in Christmas paper.

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  26. Gawd, I love that video. Tater would wrap up just fine but she freaks out when the scissors come out to curl the ribbon.

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  27. I looked up Parapluidians because it was a new word for me and when I googled it the closest I could come was from the French: Noun
    parapluie m (plural parapluies)
    umbrella for rain.
    Perhaps it's not the end of the world that's coming but just the rainy day we have all been saving up for. So lets spend all our savings before the end. Eileen B.

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    1. There were many tribes in the greater Fictionosa and all had names meaning "the people," so Parapluidian is just an umbrella term.

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  28. You are my favorite. And I have been a bad friend with all my final grad work hanging over my head. But I just want to add (to the sweet compliments from your fans--I am part of the club) my completely unrelated comment: you always get me thinking about the English language, and you did it again. I decided that "froth" is a very interesting word. I can't decide whether I love or hate it. That's what makes it interesting. I guess the same thing goes for any word that ends in "oth," including the deity. But not the ones ending in "off." The end.

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    1. Thank you for starring in my photo reel (picture #3). You're the bestest kind of friend, and a lot more decorative than most.

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  29. The rhinos of the world are backing you 100%

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    1. "...and if you've ever been backed by a rhino, you know how painful that can be..."

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  30. "Particularly in the developed world, vast populations are now preparing for the apocalypse, with many observers noting that the Earth is now perfectly aligned with Mars, as well as with Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, and a number of other heavenly bodies all at the same time, although not all in a row or anything, but still."

    I hadn't had a good shrieking laugh for eons -- till I read that. Bless you, and your fine blog moggy.

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    1. Bless YOU. I always love it when someone pulls out my favorite line.

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  31. I think you are mighty influential. I'd say run for office but then you'd start doing creepy things like having a super pac. So don't. Now I have to Google Parapluidian.

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    1. They are almost too mysterious to have a web presence.

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  32. Aha! I don't blog because I have a grey tabby. Now I understand. Did you know that the English are a branch of the Parapluidians: the Brollynagians? Fact!

    But the blood of that underground monster against which the wind and sun battle in vain--aye, there's the rub (that last bit was Shakespeare, not me). Verily, verily and therefore, Murr.

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  33. Lo! Wait, you're not Lo, you're Tiffin. Ah yes. The Brollynagians were certainly an early part of the muddled English heritage until 1066 when the whole culture turned inside out and was lost to the winds of history.

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  34. "...was Rick Santorum..." If it just was the Rick it wouldn't be so bad, but you should read what the repubs are doing in Virginia, a backwater of DC. It's a scary time for women, back to the back street alleys, wire clothes hangers and all. But at least your blog exposed one of the head CEOs. The new health cure you suggest could balance our export deficit, yes?

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    1. Hey, I was born in that backwater! (I guess the clothes hanger missed me.)

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  35. Gullibilia tribe? Really? OMG!!! Really?

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  36. If the Chinese would only see this blog post and realize what they are missing out on, then by golly, we might have a fighting chance against this monster that is rising up to poison us all. Just maybe.

    Oh, and your kitty sure is cute.

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    1. That's why we don't kill her when she starts chewing on our eyebrows.

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  37. Just added you to my blogroll.
    A way with words that I would like to have.
    Is all I can say

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  38. Thank you very much! Keep spreading the virus...uh, word...

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  39. You mean YOU read my words and you are NOT repulsed. Rick Santorum was right, there is a HEAVEN.

    Cheers and love your writing long time.

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    1. Thanks. I wouldn't go that far about Rick Santorum, though.

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  40. Linky Love nontheless.
    http://keeskennis.blogspot.com/2012/02/murmuring-murders.html

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  41. thanks for the heads up, Murr. Now I can run credit cards up to the limit and wait for the monsters to end the world.

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    1. I'm just going to ask the believers if I can have their stuff.

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