Saturday, February 25, 2012

Rolling Out A New Welcome Mitt

With two more primaries coming up on Tuesday, polls continue to show Newt Gingrich tracking well among the pissy, and Rick Santorum is coming up hard on the rear. Concerned establishment Republicans have begun to express doubt about Mitt Romney's package, and he has been advised to take new measures beyond declaring expediency as a bedrock principle. Work is being done on the personal as well as policy front, with an emphasis on the steadfastness of his positions, including some that are still under construction.


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Details are sketchy, but according to his new hair tousler, Mr. Romney and a fresh dog will begin touring the country in a bus, the Rolling Plunder Express. Fidough, a certified pound mutt with a stars-and-bars bandana, will have the run of the top of the coach, where he will bark the bark of freedom. To project vigor and enthusiasm, Mr. Romney will bound out at every stop and roll up his sleeves just enough to reveal Nascar logos on his special holy underwear.

It is thought to be the best strategy to own up to his Massachusetts health care plan, under which all residents are affordably covered, by stressing that this was a youthful indiscretion, for which he is very sorry. He is expected to introduce a bold vision in the health care debate that will slash costs dramatically by endorsing a new line of Christian Science Medical Centers. Those who complain that the franchise amounts to little more than a chain of Jell-O restaurants with no ambience will be promptly accused of waging war on religion. After emotionally recalling his own hardscrabble upbringing in utero, he will unveil a new proposal, which will cover every citizen from just before fertilization to birth, equipping them with tiny little concealed-weapons permits and other protections under the full extent of the law. In addition, innocent future American lives will be saved by the passage of the Sperm Empowerment Act, under which contraception will be defunded and semen delivery system enhancement pharmaceuticals will be offered for free in little candy dishes by the door at Walmart. Failure to enact this will be spun as discrimination against the elderly sperm hosts. Women will benefit, inasmuch as roughly half of the resulting fetuses are projected to be women, after nine months of incubation, labor, and up to eighteen wallet-draining years of care.


In other areas, Mr. Romney is on record as affirming that the sacred institution of marriage is between one man and one woman, at a time, although he believes certain accommodations might be made to confer many similar rights to homosexual couples, as long as such a union is not called marriage, but rather "a filthy abomination in the sight of the Lord." He further pledges to podcast a weekly ecumenical Prayer Breakfast featuring plenty of pork products.

On the energy front, Romney will continue to castigate Obama for nixing the Keystone project, which, he will point out, would bring thousands of temporary jobs to America building the pipeline to transport Canadian oil to a gulf port for export abroad, until we have a chance to devastate our own resources.

His experience as a businessman will be touted as giving him unique insight into slashing the bloated federal budget, beginning with the elimination of ethanol subsidies, except in the corn-producing states, and the elimination of all military bases in states with fewer than four electoral votes. Regarding the military budget, its growth will be reined in to two digits. Under the Romney Doctrine, excessive military force will be limited to regions with serious mineral resources, and the grateful recipients of our military attention will be reminded that freedom isn't free, although we would be happy to work out an extended payment plan.

72 comments:

  1. Sorry, Murr, but we have a sort-of crisis of our own here.
    Kev, having done a stint as Foreign Minister, seems to favour the 'Merican way of doing things (sweet bleeding jesus!)and a certain section of the journalistic idiocy is driving this.
    Me? Keeping my head down for now then high-tailing it for Europe, where my Aussie $$ counts.

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    1. dinahmow, Murr: It is starting to look like a world wide epidemic. New Zilland is starting to look good to me.

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  2. Hah! The truth behind the façade.

    At least this bunch of Republicans is different from the previous ones. Instead of bringing democracy to the Middle East, they're trying to bring the Saudi and Iranian type of government here.

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  3. Wow! Sounds like Mitt's campaign has really gone to the dogs. Uh, make that dog.

    Yup, care from fertilization to birth; abandonment after birth. So very American. Right?

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    1. It would be interfering with our rugged individualism to help after birth.

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  4. If this isn't all true yet, it's dangerously close to the truth. If we survive this Klown Kar of Kandidates, this election will be funny someday. If any one of them gets elected, I see Mexico in my future.

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  5. Replies
    1. It's so tough to strike that balance between crazy like a fox and plain batshit crazy.

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  6. Excellence in profiling. Please do same for Santorum.

    I've been reading Game Change in gleeful preparation for the movie. Cannot put it down. I will never again suspect the political pundits of exaggerating the draymuh and sheer silly shizzle of the American presidential campaign; we don't get to see a fraction of it!

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    1. It's on my list. And I'm trying to wipe myself clean of Santorum.

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  7. "...and Rick Santorum is coming up hard on the rear." I see what you did there. And speaking of Rick Santorum, have you seen that he is now not just making pronouncements that make sensible people in the U.S. want to smack him? He has branched out and insulted people in the Netherlands. He is on the cusp of having created in international incident, claiming that the Dutch are murdering their elderly, who must wear bracelets in defense, that say "Don't Euthanize Me". He is beyond an embarrassment.

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    1. The Dutch are worthy of our condemnation, being so close to the French.

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  8. also like the "Santorum is coming up hard on the rear..." line. i have been trying to propagate the phrase "It's a Santorum Tsunami" to capture his rise...

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  9. I have to comment because I enjoyed this so much, but I always feel a little intimidated. You not only have a very intelligent post, one that makes perfect sense in a less than perfect world, but you also have intelligent commenters, mostly.

    How do I place my ad under that picture? Egads! :-)

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  10. What has happened to the GOP? They are running a slate of buffoons.

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    1. I think you answered your own question, there.

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  11. Gosh, Murr, you sound a tad fed up. Either appreciate the political scene as mighty fine entertainment or turn off the TV, is my advice...

    Me, I can't get enough of it. But then, I am the type to slow down and gawk at road accidents, also.

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    1. No one believes me, but I can't look at road accidents.

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  12. I think the best line of the week came from John Stewart as the crystal clarity of summarizing yourself in one word hit him and he remarked... "This is when we miss Rick Perry."

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    1. I miss all of them. This was the most entertaining political season ever, and now we have just the four. Gingrich might still pull it out by offering dollar gas.

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    2. Fear not, the Teflon candidate will out.

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  13. Rick Santorum is coming up hard on the rear. Shouldn't that read "in"?
    When it comes to writing political satire, you are funnier than Andy Borowitz.

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    1. I keep hearing about him. I should look him up. [sticks head back in sand]

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    2. Follow @BorowitzReport on Twitter, Murr - you won't regret it! Here's an example:

      @BorowitzReport Newt Gingrich on leaving the race: "Not unless it gets cancer."

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  14. But he is such a "regular guy" in his jeans and rolled-up shirt sleeves costume! Who in American could not vote for such a loveable lug?

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    1. I know. I'm a total sucker for a man in rolled-up sleeves. I really am.

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  15. The longer the Republican candidates have to beat each other up (and provide great blog fodder), the better I like it.

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    1. Yeah. Well. You'd think it's all over by now, but I'm afraid to hope just yet.

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  16. Please tell me you post on Daily Kos. My Best Beloved's a reader (translation: addict). You deserve fame and fortune for your insights. I know you wouldn't use the cashola to upgrade your undies, but think of the outfits you could make for Pootie.

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    1. Pootie has a tiny little credit card and I don't even want to know what-all he's doing with it.

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  17. So many entertaining comments from both writer and readers. I can't get enough! And pleeeze, do a profile on Mr. Rick Sanctimonious! That man needs his mouth washed out with soap!

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  18. KEEP YOUR MITTS
    off my country

    NEWTIE-FRUITIE
    chickenhawk

    RIK SANCTORUM

    RON PAUL?
    are you Serious?!?

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  19. Having had vast numbers of friends who knew all the intriguing words denoting sexual parts, in code and plain English, I got lost in the first paragraphs marveling how you stapled them in place.

    Lordie, Lordie~ don't you 'ges get better!

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    1. Oh, I see--it's your FRIENDS who know all that?

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  20. I love Mitt. He makes me laugh for hours.

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    1. I know, right? Even without the underwear.

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    2. Good God! You've seen him without his underwear???????????????

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  21. Oh Murr, I could just weep. Really. I wish we could vote too because everything these horses' patoots do affects us too. Actually, that's insulting to horses, whose patoots are at least useful.

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  22. I can only aspire to be one of DJans' "mostly".

    We here still have to deal with Ms. Michele (one L). Although she has been redistricted out of her home district, she still plans to run here rather than take on a Democrat in a much more liberal district. Damn....maybe she's not in the batshit camp after all.
    The rest of them-really-could Benny Hill have come up with any more buffoonish characters?

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    1. Hey, I haven't had that theme song going through my head for years! Thank you?

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  23. And Mitt is actually the sane one. Holy crap!

    Another fine piece of journalistic satire, my friend.

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  24. Excellent!!!!! I'm not supposed to be awake much less laughing hysterically at this hour.

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  25. You've outdone yourself, Murr. I am genuflecting in your direction, but making sure Mitt isn't standing behind me.

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  26. Why is it that all the candidates of either party roll up the sleeves of their custom-made white shirts? Unless there is a lot of starch in them the sleeves will roll back down if you actually do some physical activity. Is it the symbolic oneness with people that work with their hands? Are these questions as inane as as the guys that perform this silliness?

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    1. Probably, but I'm still going to endorse sleeve-rolling. I think it's thexy.

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  27. You know, if Mitt follows Murrmurrs, as I'm sure he does, he's probably thinking, "I'm rubber, you're glue, bounces off me and sticks to you." You have had too many posts here expressing doubts about your own "garmies" to be poking fun at the hole-y underwear of others. Seriously, Murr- consider some new spanky pants and you'll feel less bias.

    As MY home state (not just the one where I was born and then immediately fled for every more prestigious location in the nation) I'm looking forward to seeing how Michigan tips.

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    1. My convoluted and troubled relationship with my underwear has tainted my perspective deeply.

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  28. I'm hoping that Romney's new hair tousler will encourage him to adopt cleaner locks. At several campaign appearances, Romney's hair looked greasy, and I didn't know if it was from a lack of shampooing or overzealous use of hair gel.

    As a side note, Mormon underwear has to be the least sexy apparel ever, aside from lederhosen.

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    1. Don't you REALLY want to know if he's wearing it?

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  29. i dunno...when i see those underpants, it makes me want to get in there and fiddle around. somebody was thinking back then. some man, clearly. :)

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    1. Looks like there's plenty of fiddle room. Of course, some men have more room than others.

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  30. Hey Murr! Damn, this made me smile. It would be even funnier if any of the other candidates were shaping up to be a better alternative. Indigo x

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    1. I'm sticking with what we've got. President-wise.

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  31. Does it feel good to know your future well-being could be in the capable hands of the aforementioned? No, that's what I thought.

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    1. These people make me happy to be past child-bearing age.

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  32. Oh boy. I either need to move to Canada or Mexico. *sigh*

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  33. A brilliant post! You should write a syndicated political satire column, because you're as good as any I've read. All I can say about the GOP this time around (Um... make that MOST times around) is they must suffer from severe electile dysfunction. Ya know, can't get excited about ANY of their candidates...

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  34. There's an English chap living in California who thinks it would make sense to combine them, call them/it Mittrick Newtron.

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  35. Oh dear! That's what it's coming to?
    Here in Canada fido may have been part of a robo. Darn!!!

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