Saturday, June 13, 2020

Two Tits Up! Way Up!

Let me get a couple of points out right up front. My brassiere needs are not all that impertant at this time of my life. We're mainly looking at a containment situation. Just trying not to scare the horses. And besides I actually did find an amazing bra made out of condensed fairy breath that I like better than not wearing one at all. You will have to take it off my dead body (bring scissors).

But perhaps because I located that little number online, I continue to see bra ads. So that is how I was introduced to the invisible Lift-up Freedom Deep V Rabbit Bra. Which does not, you'll be amazed to learn, consist of four pairs of cups running in parallel. It is called a Rabbit Bra because it looks like a bunny head, times two. And it's sticky. You stick the bunny nose on your nipple area and then you yank the ears up and stick them near your collarbone. Repeat for the other side. There are no straps, no elastic, no underwires, nothing, really, but a cosmetically more agreeable version of duck tape. They're little pancakes. Or, more accurately, flapjacks. And depending on placement, you can yank yourself as high as you'd like. You can pull those babies up until all your pencils fall out. I could yank my personal set up so far my pudding neck could perch on top.

There's always going to be some kind of innovation in the industry. There is certainly a good case to be made for proper support if you experience extreme tenderness in your breasts, which is not at all uncommon, because what is the point of being a woman if things don't hurt for no reason? I in fact had this very problem for a number of decades, and all of it cleared up at the same time God pulled the plug on menstrual periods. Ha ha, God said, haven't I been a kick in the pants all those years of cramps and pelvic pain and sore boobs? I am such a card. I wanted to see how you stacked up with that whiner Job.

But there are lots of reasons for bras besides alleviating pain. Read the advertising. Basically, ladies, wherever your boobs are naturally, they should be someplace else. So now you can slap on a sticky pad and haul them up, and then, on some models, cinch up a strap between them. It's all adjustable so you can go perky and cleavish at the same time.

As it turns out, the Freedom Bra is but one in an entire genre of so-called "sticky bras." Who knew? Cosmopolitan magazine has run a comparison test on ten brands. They run from simple nipple covers to petal-shaped lifters to wing-shaped cleavage boosters to of course the push-up combo wing bra with underwire, pocket weasel, emergency ejection button, and a slot for a playing card so it sounds like a motorcycle if you're going really fast.

There are no straps or bands around the back. Just the cups. So instead of having overflow problems at the top of the cups or the underarm area, now you have the opportunity to overflow for 360 degrees around the cups. You can have Brioche Boobs to go with your Muffin Top Heinie. Fun!

One of the Cosmo testers touted in particular the combination of a stick-on nipple cover with an underwire built in, which, I believe, she referred to as "support from boning," after which I blacked out for a bit. Fortunately I came to in time for the description of the bra that fell off during the tester's walk to work.  She didn't know where to put it, so she stuck it to the underside of her desk.

And her coworkers have to settle for tech support.

39 comments:

  1. What I've always been flummoxed by... why is it considered so awful for women's nipples to show through their clothes? I've always been small-breasted, and for a time during my late teens, decided to forego a bra. A male friend referred to me as "Nips". A boyfriend's mother told him to tell me that it "looked sloppy" not to wear one. Mind you, I looked practically pre-pubescent at the time. Meanwhile, there are men, even NOW, who have more massive breasts than I do, and they can mow their lawn or go to the beach shirtless. I see ads for bras that state they are "full coverage", which I have learned means that they don't show any nipplage. WTF is the big deal with nipples?? If nipples are so horrifying to look at, then men should also have to cover them. I'm not looking to show mine, I just don't see the discrepancy between the sexes on this matter.

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    1. I recommend not thinking too much about what people think. My own are looking at my shoes. They're thinking: you should get some decent shoes. Now that's judgment, when your own nipples have an opinion about your shoes.

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  2. Spit take at support from boning.

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  3. I'm snickering at your shoe-judgmental reply to mimimanderly because, yeah, same here. I think I'm WAY past where stick on anything would contain the situation. How has my skin become so relaxed when the rest of me gets more and more uptight every day??

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    1. These days if you don't have relaxed skin you're liable to pop a gasket.

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  4. My then-husband returned from a business trip to NYC,, in 1972, raving about all the braless women he'd seen there. I stopped wearing a bra that day and he never even noticed. Just call me "Nips"too.

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  5. I have seen those ads. And wondered about residual stickiness when one took them off.
    For the moment (and probably all the moments I have left) I am continuing to respect gravity (and not argue with her).

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    1. I'm a huge fan of gravity in general and so do not care to quibble over some of its effects.

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    2. I could probably be the poster girl for Derwent Pencils. And, folks, this stick-on aint a new thing. A friend used sticky tape on her strapless ball gown.Worked a treat-she danced the night away at a society ball...screamed blue murder when it came to taking the tape off.Couldn't wear a bra for ages after that.

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  6. I’m almost 5’1 and all legs. In college wide belted waistbands were all the rage, so I skipped the bra and shoved the boobs up above the waist band. Not such a good look now. Well, it wasn’t way back then either.

    And man-nips under a wife beater, complete with hairy armpits should be illegal world wide. Gah.

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    1. The boobs are right above my waistband for the most part too, but I'm NOT all legs. So.

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    2. And the congregation said, "AMEN!"

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  7. ...and then,..."until all your pencils fall out."

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  8. Personally, at my age, which is considerable and increasing day by day, a front closure seems logical. My arms do not want to double back on themselves as readily as they used to, and even wearing close up glasses, I can't see the damned eye hooks in the back. An enterprising entrepreneur could clean up catering to the likes of baby boomers with needs, like me. Oh, and I'd like it to be made of condensed fairy breath, like you have. That sounds nice.

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    1. Seriously, that is the best bra. The best. True & Co. Takes a shoehorn to get it on and off but in between it's wonderful.

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    2. I have trouble with the shoehorn stage, and use that as an excuse to not wear one.

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    3. You were going to try stepping into that device (rather than getting squoze into it from the top) and report back later. Have you tried that approach yet? Inquiring minds want to know! This inquiring mind keeps looking for a way to lift her "spirits" a bit to let the heat rash dry up and clear away. Medicated powder just isn't doing the trick, but wearing a regular bra, in the summer, for no good reason, is too uncomfortable to even consider.

      I used bandaids pre-childbearing. Couldn't distract the General Public with nipplage! (Thank you mimimanderly!)

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    4. No, after I realized it really was that tight to get on, and I wasn't going to rip it because it was too small, I just developed a technique. Try it. Better than no bra, really. Summer sweat issues gone.

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  9. I am 73 and have only worn a bra for 20 years. It was necessary to control my post menopausal mammaries. I want my old boobs back.

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  10. All I can think of with a so-called "bra" that *sticks* to your boobs is boob-sweat or what is (colloquially) referred to in East Texas as "humidititties".

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  11. The rabbit ears look cute, but would they stay in place under the drag weight of heavy boobs? Would they stay in place on hot sweaty days or just slide right down and burrow under?

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    1. You really can Google the Cosmopolitan test. Three women, three sizes, ten sticky bras.

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  12. You all have my sympathies. With all the issues of aging I can't imagine having to deal with boobz, too.

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    1. There's a lot going on in the post-collagen world, all right.

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  13. Support from boning... LMAOROTF!

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  14. Sounds like you and I have the same body... I didn't wear a bra for years when I was younger. I enjoyed the shock factor, frankly. (Men are so easy.) I wouldn't wear one now if I could get away with it, but age, and good living have gotten the best of me! Mine rest on my growing pooch and make a warm day combined with hot flashes rather uncomfortable. I've been wondering about True & Co.....guess I will order one. Thanks for the recommendation!

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  15. Oh dear, this is all so complicated. I can't get past putting adhesive on any part of the body. But 'support from boning' kinda made my day!

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