Two Tits Up! Way Up!

Let me get a couple of points out right up front. My brassiere needs are not all that impertant at this time of my life. We're mainly looking at a containment situation. Just trying not to scare the horses. And besides I actually did find an amazing bra made out of condensed fairy breath that I like better than not wearing one at all. You will have to take it off my dead body (bring scissors).

But perhaps because I located that little number online, I continue to see bra ads. So that is how I was introduced to the invisible Lift-up Freedom Deep V Rabbit Bra. Which does not, you'll be amazed to learn, consist of four pairs of cups running in parallel. It is called a Rabbit Bra because it looks like a bunny head, times two. And it's sticky. You stick the bunny nose on your nipple area and then you yank the ears up and stick them near your collarbone. Repeat for the other side. There are no straps, no elastic, no underwires, nothing, really, but a cosmetically more agreeable version of duck tape. They're little pancakes. Or, more accurately, flapjacks. And depending on placement, you can yank yourself as high as you'd like. You can pull those babies up until all your pencils fall out. I could yank my personal set up so far my pudding neck could perch on top.

There's always going to be some kind of innovation in the industry. There is certainly a good case to be made for proper support if you experience extreme tenderness in your breasts, which is not at all uncommon, because what is the point of being a woman if things don't hurt for no reason? I in fact had this very problem for a number of decades, and all of it cleared up at the same time God pulled the plug on menstrual periods. Ha ha, God said, haven't I been a kick in the pants all those years of cramps and pelvic pain and sore boobs? I am such a card. I wanted to see how you stacked up with that whiner Job.

But there are lots of reasons for bras besides alleviating pain. Read the advertising. Basically, ladies, wherever your boobs are naturally, they should be someplace else. So now you can slap on a sticky pad and haul them up, and then, on some models, cinch up a strap between them. It's all adjustable so you can go perky and cleavish at the same time.

As it turns out, the Freedom Bra is but one in an entire genre of so-called "sticky bras." Who knew? Cosmopolitan magazine has run a comparison test on ten brands. They run from simple nipple covers to petal-shaped lifters to wing-shaped cleavage boosters to of course the push-up combo wing bra with underwire, pocket weasel, emergency ejection button, and a slot for a playing card so it sounds like a motorcycle if you're going really fast.

There are no straps or bands around the back. Just the cups. So instead of having overflow problems at the top of the cups or the underarm area, now you have the opportunity to overflow for 360 degrees around the cups. You can have Brioche Boobs to go with your Muffin Top Heinie. Fun!

One of the Cosmo testers touted in particular the combination of a stick-on nipple cover with an underwire built in, which, I believe, she referred to as "support from boning," after which I blacked out for a bit. Fortunately I came to in time for the description of the bra that fell off during the tester's walk to work.  She didn't know where to put it, so she stuck it to the underside of her desk.

And her coworkers have to settle for tech support.