Saturday, November 9, 2019

And You Don't Have To Bimbo It

One fortunate consequence of not photo-editing pictures of myself on Facebook is that I see a lot of fun ads for how to fix what obviously ails me.

Nikoro is only the most recent. By appearances, Nikoro is a gold razor, and the video in the ad shows someone raking it all over the face, hard: forehead, temples, you name it. And whereas I do have a nice cover crop of facial hair going, the only hairs I actually wouldn't miss are the ones with measurable diameters. I can't remember when the Legacy Hair on my chin first sprouted, but next time I yank it out I'll try to remember to count the rings.

Nikoro is, however, upon further exploration, not a razor at all. Instead it's a metal wand on a stick that you push all over your face to urge it into a state of immaturity. It employs microaggressions or something. Oh, and also it vibrates. The purveyors of Nikoro recommend you apply their vibrating non-razor anywhere you like. Marketing!

According to the website, it has been designed for women who want to reduce their wrinkles or who have drooping skin, face, neck, or chest. I'm not certain what the golden wand is likely to do for my drooping chest but I'm pretty sure I can carry a half dozen of them under each side with nobody the wiser.

This will not be necessary, however, because the Nikoro also comes with an accessory black velvet pocket "to take it everywhere with you, in your handbag for example, without having to bimbo it." Which is an obscure relief.

The Nikoro, if used to massage the upper chest area, is claimed to revive the Cooper's Ligaments. Cooper's Ligaments (a.k.a. "God's Bra") are a cage-like assemblage of supporting tissue that holds the breast in an ideal state of pertness. They were named after surgeon Sir Astley "Hands" Cooper, who discovered them repeatedly for several years in the 19th century.

Cooper's Prototype Ligaments
Whereas it might be possible to revive Cooper's Ligaments, mine are not dead, but only retired. If anything, they're taking a nap and should not be disturbed.

The Nikoro is advertised as a lower-cost home facial improvement product utilizing the extremely ancient massage technique known as "Kibodo." This age defying technique was pioneered by two 540-year-old practitioners, who oughta know. It is said they originally clashed over a demonstration of "Kyoku-te," a facial treatment performed with percussion using the folded hand. (In this country, the facial percussion with the folded hand is carried out by Guido, and it does plump the tissues.)

It is recommended that you start your treatments as soon as possible after age 30 so as to ward off the worst of the aging process. These are your prime beauty-treatment-purchasing years, and if you wait too long, there is a significant commercial danger you will become too old to give a shit.

And if you wait until you're my age, that thing is just going to leave tracks on your face like a vacuum cleaner.

24 comments:

  1. Some people are so desparate to chase their youth that they think any odd thing is the magic wand. God has given us poor vision so that we no longer worry about this stuff when we look in the mirror.

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    1. I remember the period of time between when things looked sort of okay and when things definitely went south. It was a transition period for the soul, starting with "uh-oh" and ending with "oh well." Hurt for a while and then everything was okay again.

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  2. Not sure what "bimbo it" means. Even Google didn't help. But I'm reasonably sure that if you need to carry this device with you in your handbag at all times... you probably already ARE a bimbo.

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    1. I very much enjoy English marketing by Japanese copywriters.

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  3. I just had my first acupuncture treatment, after many months of pain that isn't responding to traditional therapies. The practitioner was a deeply kind and very clean man with a brilliant bald head surrounded by a low-growing thatch of gray hair that went across the back of his head from ear to ear and was held in place with a rubber band, forming a thin ponytail. We spent nearly an hour going over my complaints, then I changed into a paper gown and laid face-down on a table to receive the needles. It was painless, although somewhat embarrassing. After installing all of the needles, he turned on some peaceful music and I lay quietly for a half an hour to let the qi disseminate. I felt very relaxed and sleepy. He came back, removed the needles, I got dressed, and we chatted a bit. I did feel better, for the rest of the afternoon, but by evening, my misery had returned. I sat watching Jeopardy and running my hands across my head, and I found something tangled in my hair which seemed to be a twig, but turned out to be the needle he had placed in the top of my head and forgotten to remove.

    I would try this therapy again, I think, along with the Nikora Kibota face saver. It could vacuum up all of the left-over body piercing needles.

    Addendum: when I called the acupuncturist to tell him about the needle in my hair, he chuckled, said he was sorry, and no extra charge for taking the needle home. Maybe I bimboed it.

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    1. I have found acupuncture to work for me, but one can't expect immediate relief.

      I had arthritis in my thumbs. Actually, I must still have it, as my hands will never be confused with a hand model's. My point, however -- and I DO have one -- is that I no longer experience the pain and my range of motion improved greatly. I had a series of 10 treatments, and it worked but came back after several months. I had another series, and experienced relief again that was temporary. However. Third time was the charm. After the third series -- which was well over a decade ago -- I have not had a recurrence.

      A lot of people would rather rely on pharmaceuticals for relief, but I am not one of them. I had to find a better way, and for me, this worked amazingly well. Thank goodness I didn't just give up when the pain came back that first time. Sure it cost money, but saved money and my liver in the long run. I need my liver for other things.

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    2. I still enthusiastically, and some would say obnoxiously, recommend the protocol outlined in "Pain Free: A Revolutionary Method For Stopping Chronic Pain" by Pete Egoscue. In fact, I can be a real pain about this at parties.

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    3. I still have the book, somewhere...

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    4. I hope you've used it! I'm afraid I've proselytized about it so much that many people have bought the book just to shut me up, but didn't necessarily use it.

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    5. I bought the book and gave up on it after hurting myself twice. I also have arthritis in my hands in several of the joints, both thumbs and three fingers, also have it in other joints and I've found the best remedy is to just keep on as normal as possible, resting with a hot water bottle on the not so good days, massaging the joints with a deep heat cream when they ache enough to be noticeable.

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  4. My insurance will begin to cover acupuncture in 2020. I have had positive results on knee pain caused by bursitis. I will be sure to count needles.

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    1. I've never had it, but Dave had acupuncture treatment twice for frozen shoulder, and reported temporary relief both times, to his amazement. Of course, the thing about frozen shoulder is this treatment and that treatment and the other treatment can be utilized and the frozen shoulder will go away in two years. Same as if you didn't do anything.

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  5. Batteries not included, I assume.

    You've said it all, Murr. I have nothing to add. About anything.

    And yet, here I am, still typing away.

    I wonder if that falls under the definition of "bimbo-ing it"?

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  6. Oh dear, I can't tell if this is real or if you just made it up for our amusement.

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  7. Oh J,Mand J! I think this is the thing we saw advertised on our TV the other day in which some bloke was depillating his navel area. WTF!!!!!!!!!
    And just when I thought I'd reached the age when my mind was way beyond boggling(I've had your mind-boggler in the White House for a few years-ooh! I wonder if he has a Hikoro?) along comes this nonsense.
    Look, if you do the research and find that Trump DOES use a smoother, please don't tell me.My mind is too old for that sort of boggling.

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  8. I think I'll just grow old more or less gracefully, depending on how well I've slept the night before.

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    1. You should see some of the face creases I get when I HAVE slept well. Flossable, I tell you.

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  9. I laughed aloud reading this. Too funny.

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