Wednesday, July 3, 2019

News Out Of Bubonia

Mongolia is reeling at the tragic death by bubonic plague of a couple who snacked on a marmot kidney. Officials are warning that marmot kidneys are dangerous even if you boil the piss out of them, and pretty much any other part of the marmot is a bad meal plan as well.

Bubonic Plague, a.k.a. the Black Death, was famously responsible for wiping millions of people off the map in the Middle Ages, but this couple was just in their thirties.

This is merely the latest in the tragic and terrible trend of Mongolian marmot mastication. The area experiences an average of one death by marmot per year. It's the age-old story. God gave us everything we needed in a beautiful garden and in return asked only one thing, one thing, which was not to eat of the kidney of the marmot, but did we listen? Sure enough the couple goes right for the marmot first thing, and whereas in a similar scenario Adam and Eve discovered they were naked, the Mongolian couple discovered they were no longer extant.

It was only five years ago a Kyrgyzstan teenager died of eating barbecued marmot although, in that climate, it could totally have been the potato salad. The victim apparently believed, as many in the countryside do, that the marmot meat would benefit his health, or at least clear up his skin and give him a huge boner. So close! Bubonic plague.

The Kyrgyzstan government has repeatedly warned its citizens about the whole marmot thing, but the message doesn't get through as readily in a country with a serious vowel shortage. No one is sure where they went wrong in Ulaanbaatar.

I for one would never consider ingesting a marmot part. I've never been issued a proper spirit animal, but for years I've thought if I were going to be reincarnated, I would prefer a time slot as a marmot. When I was younger I used to say "river otter" because they're so dang cute and have so dang much fun, but I hadn't really thought it through. Eventually I realized there's a limit to how much fun I like to have, and most of it is not rambunctious, and none of it involves swimming. "But if you were an otter, you would know how to swim," people tell me, but I don't know how they can be sure of that. There would have to be some residual aspect of my own spirit in the otter and what if it turns out to be the part that sinks?

So marmot it is: they are fat and fun and hang out in the prettiest places on the planet and they eat a lot and don't watch their waistlines and they live underground in cozy dens lined with lots and lots of adorable brightly painted cupboards. This has not been validated by science but I know it in my very heart, the same way other people know what heaven looks like even though they've never been.

The very same way, in fact.

40 comments:

  1. I love natural selection for this very reason; it weeds out the idiots who are too stupid NOT to eat marmots or puffer fish despite plenty of warning that they could kill you. One can only hope that it happened before they could pass on their genes.

    My spirit animal would definitely be a crow. I so admire them for their intelligence and resourcefulness. They have such a great social structure as well, with the young, unmated family members helping a couple raise their nestlings, thereby helping the couple, but also themselves by learning how to raise young. If only humans could be as intelligent as crows.

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    1. As you know, we are also big crow fans here, although the relationship does not appear to be reciprocal. And now that we have Studley on our team, we're kind of getting over the crows.

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  2. Nice nod to Emily Dickinson...

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  3. I think Bubonic Plague has been given a bad rap. True, it did decimate a few million, give or take a couple million, BUT, it was also responsible for a massive redistrubution of wealth and property. Suddenly, there were all these empty mansions and villa's all over Europe, and the bottom just dropped out of the housing boom. People who lived in huts suddenly had a 12 bedroom castle with running water! Also, were it not for the little fleas that stowed away on goods coming west on the Silk Road, we wouldn't have the song 'Ring around the Rosy'.

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    1. Also, we would not have had the Renaissance. There were too many people at that point, and the herd needed to be culled. It does now, too, so maybe we should all go on FaceBook and induce more people to eat marmots.

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    2. If we're super lucky, we'll get some new-to-us model of disease fresh melted from the tundra. I can't wait!

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    3. May I just chime in here to say I love love love the name "Mimi Manderly." Musical! Lyrical! Pretty!

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  4. I would be an albatross. I like the idea of just flying, flying, flying for long distances. I probably should look up why they are considered something bad, as in "an albatross around my neck," or whatever, but I probably won't. Just like the idea of endless flying.

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    1. It's from the Rime Of The Ancient Mariner. Or Moby Dick or some other damp prose. Dude shot a perfectly sound albatross and they shamed him by making him wear it.

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    2. If he'd shot a bushtit it would have to be a boutonnière.

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  5. Gawd, now I have to think about what my spirit animal is. I just want trump to go away. What animal is that?

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  6. Having a spirit animal that sleeps 7-8 months a year seems cool...

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  7. I am both terrorized and insanely curious about the idea of "some new-to-us model of disease fresh melted from the tundra." Gee, that will be fun!

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    1. "If the methane don't get ya, then the rat-pox will." Fun times, these end times!

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    2. Geez, if I'd have done drugs and drank my share of hooch I could have been dead by now. Seems a good time to go would have been the day after Obama was sworn in for his 1st term. Go out on a high. But did I do that? Noooooo. I had to stick around for Dump, climate collapse and the rise of marmot bbq's and the second wave of bubonic plague. But there's never a cloud without a silver lining. Seeing that marmot meat kills ya dead, there has to be a market for marmot jerky for those who don't want to stick around for the nasty end of the world. Snicker.

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    3. A friend of mine died between voting for Hillary (and assuming she would certainly win), and the election results.

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    4. (1) Whoa! Marmot jerky! and
      (2) Just plain Whoa!

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  8. I wonder if marmot could be dished up at certain "international functions" International Whaling Commission. Strategic Arms Talks. Mar a Lago lunches.Brexit rallies. No, wait...this needs further thought-I might be sending the marmot into extinctiion.

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    1. You're a forward thinker. How fast can we breed 'em?

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    2. All right, okay, everybody, leave my marmots alone. Maybe we can just harvest their fleas?

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  9. I wouldn't mind having a cosy den lined with lots and lots of brightly painted cupboards, but I'll pass on being a marmot. I don't want to be a plague carrier.

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    1. It doesn't hurt to be a carrier. I think the marmots don't get sick. Oh. You mean you care about other people? Must be a libtard.

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    2. I just remembered hearing this, from a small child, outside a window display of leotards: "Mummy, can I have a pink libatard for ballet?"

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  10. I've read somewhere that my spirit animal is a turtle, which sounds right. I'm slow to progress and usually know when to pull my head in.

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    1. Now if we can get certain people to pull their heads out.

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  11. Apparently, if it gives you a better boner it is certainly worth the risk, isn't it? Also waiting for a version of tundra fever to kick in.

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    1. Maybe it will unleash a bit of nastiness that can't survive this time around in a hotter climate. Then something ELSE will have to cull us.

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  12. I had to google eating marmot intestines. Good god, it's real. They ate them RAW and contracted a deadly disease from it. I really don't feel like having lunch now so thanks.

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  13. That durn kid shoulda been eating a Tide pod instead.

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    Replies
    1. So that's really a thing? I should look that up. Is it supposed to get you high or something?

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  14. I really want to appreciate Dr Ekpen of Ekpen Temple for restoring my broken relationship within 48 hours. It all started when I find out that my husband is cheating on me, when I try to confront him about it, the whole thing just got worst, because I love him so much I did not want to lose him to someone else so I went looking for solution that's how I came across Dr Ekpen who restore love back to my marriage. Contact him at (ekpentemple@gmail.com) if you are having challenges in your relationship.

    ReplyDelete