Wednesday, November 14, 2018

The Lowdown On The Showdown

Democrats!
Doggone! We liberals almost pulled it off.

We almost got a whole new group of Democrats into the country in time to kick some electoral ass. Next time! Just goes to show we, like Charles Koch, are capable of playing the long game. We had to start way back in the 1970s and totally screw up Latin American citizens by propping up dictators, flooding the countries with arms for anyone willing to drop a Commie, and bankrolling any murderous soul who was willing to sell off his country's public wealth to private corporations. The War on Drugs was just a bonus. In order to deprive Americans of their party drugs, we were able to destroy entire villages with herbicides to prevent farmers from growing the only crop they could make any money on, after Walmart undercut them on all the rest.

Visigoths! I mean Democrats!
Admittedly, we liberals didn't do most of that stuff ourselves--we haven't historically been CIA fans--but like conservatives, we're perfectly willing to make hay with any chaos that presents itself. It was a lot of work and a lot of money over a long period of time, but we finally got a bunch of desperately poor, frightened people to trudge thousands of miles to our country for a life with a little less death and despair in it, and that's no small thing. Who would want to leave their sunny home for a strange land unless they were in a heap of trouble? No one. But here they come!

Of course, they say most of them were coming here to rape and murder the people we're too lazy to rape and murder. And that is true. Also there were some Muslim extremists in the mix, a smattering of Visigoths, the Sith, and a really nasty new virus. But you've got to work with what the Lord gives you.

Democrats!
So we were all ready for them. We were going to hand out hippie daisies at the border and pamphlets instructing them exactly where to settle, along with a gift bag of food stamps, photo ID, their own personal Social Security number, plus a filled-out ballot. The settlement goals we had in mind coincided neatly with gerrymandered districts, all of which are full of Republicans looking to save big cash under the table on yard work and child care, and by the time they recognized they'd been disgerrymandered, it would all be over.

Where we went wrong was waiting for George Soros to cut loose the cash for transportation when the shiftless suckers couldn't hobble to the border in time on foot. He was too wrapped up in Human Rights Watch and Black Lives Matter and other sissy civil-rights operations and there's no way to get him to focus without him being all, "Oooh, Holocaust survivor," and you have to step back politely and wait for him to finish crying.

More Democrats!
Now this particular election is over, and it's too early to say if the results will change the composition of the migrant caravan. It's possible the caravan will dissolve harmlessly into the ragged and desperate pilgrims they started out as, but it's also possible they'll retain a core group of bad hombres, armed with assault rifles and Kill Whitey tee-shirts and brown sperms, so they'll be along in time for the 2020 election.

That's fine with us. We love criminals as long as they vote correctly, which they will, because we're totally soft on crime. I mean, we officially deplore white-collar crime, but we don't do much about it. We're a little troubled that they're going to bring down the hit-man wages, because that's what happens when you don't stick with the union, but perhaps we can get them to organize later.

First things first.

19 comments:

  1. (I hope this doesn't double-post. I've had some trouble with my connection this morning.)

    Yeah, I keep hearing that they were coming up here to vote, but sadly, their timing was off and they didn't make it in time. I guess we're going to have to keep relying on dead people.

    On a more serious note, I'm really hoping that we saw the next generation of Dems coming into office last week. I love my greatest generation folks, but it's time for the Democratic leadership to reflect the population. Having leadership all in their 8th decade isn't a feasible long term strategy.

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    1. I'm with you. It's starting to look pretty fresh, innit?

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  2. MURRRRRR! Warms my heart that you exist and tickles my funnybone what you write, and in these times, the latter is no small feat. Keep putting pen to paper, girl ...

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  3. Both my adult (one even middle-aged) daughters are willing to kill every old white guy they see. I'm told I'd be spared, but I only have their word on that.

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    1. They have to give you their word, else they couldn't sneak up on you.

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  4. You had me with "the bad hombres with...their Kill Whitey tee-shirts and brown sperms". I'm just glad that someone hasn't lost their sense of humor about this endless Theater of the Absurd we are living in....

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  5. Well, I couldn't have said this any better than you did. Let's face it, I couldn't say it half as well as you did. I'm glad the democrats have gotten ahead. Times need changing.

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  6. Since most of those murderous thugs won't be able to walk fast enough to get here by Thanksgiving who is going to process the turkeys and cranberries? Maybe by Christmas if we buy them some shoes and encourage them to walk faster.

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  7. I've noticed in the news media that the phrase "without evidence" is becoming commom in stories and headlines about Trump and Republicans, and the claims they are making and the accusations they are firing off, about everything from the causes of wildfire to the election recounts. Is there any chance that this phrase will register in the brains of Trump supporters as possibly something they might consider before voting in 2020? --- Never mind. I know the answer. It's the conspiracy conundrum: the absence of evidence IS evidence.

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    1. True enough, I've noticed it too. It will soon get to be such a ubiquitous phrase that people will no longer hear it. It will mean "Um."

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    2. Perhaps one day the phrase "without evidence" will finally transmute to the more accurate "..., which is a lie,..."!

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  8. I don't listen to either CNN or Fox as they are both biased. We don't need Dems or Repubs. We need someone who will control the national debt. It will not happen.

    I love how you write even if I don't agree with much of what you say!

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