I have this little spot on my right foot that is ever so slightly itchy and burny. Sometimes. Just a twinge every now and then. I reviewed my personal stash of lore and concluded it was Athlete's Foot, and I got some ointment, and I'm putting it on twice a day, or when I remember to. Dave thinks I'm nuts."Athlete's foot? Really?"
Yeah. Itching and burning? Yeah.
"You? You think you have athlete's anything? You tip over in a light breeze."
True.
"You wobble visibly when a thought strikes you."
Sometimes.
"You could twist your ankle on a painted cow grate."
Okay.
"I've seen you botch the dismount from a recliner."
Fact.
"You couldn't throw a pitch over the plate without a relay man."
Fair enough.
"Nobody stands behind you in horseshoes."
All right. All right. Point taken. Nevertheless I am applying athlete's foot ointment to my foot because it might help and also because it's only seven dollars. I'm not $100 GlaxoSmithKline sure, but I'm $7 Walgreen's sure. And I think it's helping. I think maybe I haven't had that itching and burning as much, although most of the time I didn't notice it anyway. It's hard to notice when something minor stops happening. I'm going to give it another few weeks of occasional random slathering. And if it seems to have more or less gone away by then, I'm going to consider myself a genius, probably, in the absence of evidence to the contrary, which--should any arise--I plan to ignore.
That's how people think, not just me. Other possibilities with regard to my foot are: I have imagined the whole occasional twinge. And: I have a small splinter that has worked its way out. And: I had sudden-onset Intermittent Foot Leprosy and have been cured as a result of renouncing my sins and recommitting myself to the path of righteousness.
Sure, I could gather data and study it and all, but why get all facty when I can make shit up for free? I'll just pick a hypothesis that works for me and hang on.
It's sort of like how we can see all these families trekking across the desert toward our border desperately trying to escape rape and murder in their home villages, or so they claim, and we think: "Those people are vermin infesting our country to take advantage of the taxpayers and get stuff for free, and if we're super firm with them they'll realize the errors of their ways," and then we rip their children from them and send them back across the border, and no one ever hears from them again. Which proves we were right and they were up to no good. Good people don't abandon their children.
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Well, that was depressing. Maybe I need more coffee this morning, and here I was all in an up mood because the women have taken back the House.
ReplyDeleteDang! Yeah, that took a turn. I'm never sure what's going to happen with these things.
DeleteGood morning, Murr and everyone. Election Day yesterday didn't deliver all of the thrill I most wanted, but, things are better now than they were before. Including Murr's leprosy. Rock on. The only way out is through.
ReplyDeleteGood morning! I realized at some point that this would come in the day after the election (but I have to put it in earlier), and thought: I should write something relevant, but I sure don't know what. So foot leprosy it is.
DeleteMost physical maladies are self-limiting; They would go away on their own, eventually, no matter what a doctor does or does not do. Operating on this information, I surmise that most maladies I experience are apt to go away on their own. Drugs are geared primarily to deal with the symptoms, not the "disease" itself. Sometimes they relieve the symptoms, but with undesired consequences that require other drugs to relieve those symptoms. This is why I am treating some eczema that I have on my own. I diagnosed it on my own, by doing research. I also read that there is no cure for it; it goes away eventually -- usually. Doctors prescribe topical steroids, which thin the skin and may make it come back worse after you stop using it. All things considered, I am trying natural cures, like goat milk kefir (I have read articles on the correlation between eczema and good digestive bacteria having been wiped out through antibiotic use. Kefir is supposed to restore the good bacteria, which alleviates the eczema.) I also came across articles extolling hemp seed oil topically for this. So far, it is not getting worse, and is actually getting better. Whether what I am doing is helping me, I do not know; it could be the placebo effect. But I have a tendency to think that ALL medicines cure by placebo effect: mind over matter. People give up too much control of their health and their bodies to doctors.
ReplyDeleteThat makes a lot of sense about treating (almost) everything by making sure your insides are doing the right things. One of my goals in life is to avoid getting some prescription drug but I have to admit I haven't been challenged on that, yet. Fiber!
DeleteGood analogy there, Murr. It seems like a whole lot of people oughtn't to be using their homegrown version of the scientific method because guess what, they're missing the know how to do it right. And the consequences are far more serious, sadly not for them but for the people around them.
ReplyDeleteIt is so disheartening to see how readily people can absorb utter bullshit. "More bullshit, please, and may I have some doot sprinkles on top?"
DeleteWhile we did win back the House, my state, Montana had every democrat lose, the initiative to fund and expand Medicare and Medicade defeated, the one to limit oil, coal and mining defeated....it may be time for me to move back to either Oregon or Washington before a visa is required.
ReplyDeleteOh, as to your ailment.....ebola often starts like that....
I knew it.
DeleteIn a last votes count, Tester did win, thank Buddha.
DeleteHeel! Heel!...erm... I mean , 'Heal! Heal!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I wrote this months ago, and ran out of ointment, and it never did anything, and I'm not even sure I have a problem in the first place.
DeleteWhat! Months ago, when I was waiting with bated breath for the results!
DeleteFake news!
Guilty.
DeleteSadly the people who believe the ugliness in your last paragraph are here too. A contagious malady. Which anti-biotics or even goats milk won't cure. Thinking might. A prescription which seems to remain unfilled.
ReplyDeleteSee, right here we could have a problem.I mean, we've all read about these pop stars and athletes (the healthy-footed ones) who were prescribed something and then they got addicted to it and now they're out in the streets with AK47s, demanding money for drugs...
DeleteNo, I think we should jus' rely on faith.Like when we vote.
"Gimme all of yer foot ointment and there won't be any trouble."
DeleteSometimes I feel a little stiffness coming on, but not the kind I used to feel regularly as a young man. No, this is more like early onset rigor mortis. Maybe it's nothing, but I'll try some snake oil if it tastes good. Maybe the kid of one of those 'terrifying' refugee immigrants will come up with a cure for everything. Maybe we shouldn't try to make his/her childhood any worse than it is.
ReplyDelete*LOL at "early onset rigor mortis* I'm gonna use that one!
DeleteLove that EORM diagnosis. Personally I have what my doctor calls Youth Deficiency Syndrome. Still waiting for a pill.
DeleteReminds me of one of my favorite New Yorker cartoons. Guy's sitting across the desk from his doctor, and the doctor says: "I see here you are 56 years old. We're going to want to get those numbers down a bit."
DeleteDear Murr,
ReplyDeleteSend your leperous foot, in a freezer bag and a bit of brown paper, and I'll try a few creams from my large basket of creams and unguents, some of which expired in 1998, but whose curative powers, like a fine wine might possibly have improved with age.
I can cure almost anything but the misery of having DT as POTUS and the chief sins found in politicians both north and south of the Canada/US border - pathological lying and the imprudent propensity of sending pictures of their gentlemanly bits au naturel to teenage girls (or those identifying themselves as such) on Instagram and Snapchat.
We've had two cabinet members forced to resign within the week for staying up late playing with their ..laptops, and looking at the politicians, no wonder their victims are trying to extort money from them. I don't think it's hush money, I think it's danger pay. How much does it cost to bleach one's eyes?
Anyone in receipt of such a pic should respond: "Photo intriguing. Please send detached member by overnight delivery for further inspection." I mean, if I can do it with my foot...
DeleteI have occasional bouts of itchy burning too, but it is very intense and often followed by a fluid filled blister which I dare not scratch because the fluid is contagious and all I'll get is a huge rash of similar blisters. Left alone, it stops itching within a day or so and eventually dries to a brown scab which also needs to be left to fall off by itself. As far as I know, by asking Dr Google it is weeping eczema.
ReplyDeleteGadzooks! I think I prefer my idiopathic imaginary ailments!
DeleteMurr, one of your best columns was about how to tell if you have brain cancer. Maybe that's what this is!
ReplyDeleteHuh! I don't remember it offhand, but then again I don't remember much of anything.
DeleteFunny how that whole "invasion" cleared up right after the elections. Haven't heard a word about it since then.
ReplyDeleteStill in the old toolkit, I imagine, so it will resurface again. You know, unless there isn't anything BLOTUS wants to distract from.
DeleteYeah, no need to get all facty (my new fave adjective!). There's a lamentable lack of factyness around here lately.
ReplyDeleteYup--wasted plenty of time last night arguing with someone in possession of creative facts, and I don't know why I bother. Kept me awake, too. When will I learn?
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