Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Do, Do That Voodoo


There's been a bit of a squabble in the right-to-life/pro-choice world. It happens.

While everyone agrees that there has been a 40% decrease in the number of abortions in Iowa since 2007, the explanation remains controversial. Planned Parenthood spokesman Penny Dickey noted that the drop correlates well with the increased use of long-term contraception such as IUDs and hormone implants.

But Iowa Right To Life director Jennifer Bowen dismissed that assertion, stating that contraception has a huge failure rate. Planned Parenthood countered that the failure rate is less than one percent. Which triggered the retort that for the unlucky one percent, that corresponds to a 100% failure rate. Bowen attributed the reduced abortion numbers to an increase in baby pictures in the social media. Planned Parenthood pointed out that birth rates had not gone up at all, and so contraception, which they provide at low cost, is the only logical explanation for the drop.

Bowen declared instead that abortions are becoming rarer because of an increase in the number and intensity of people's prayers to not get pregnant. "Iowans have finally started getting in touch with the Man Upstairs," she said.

Asked to comment, the Planned Parenthood representative stared at the wall for a full minute, looking depressed, and finally mumbled something about the whole notion of "upstairs" being a relative concept constrained by the forces of gravity, and that no one really knows where, assuming there is a Man, he is; at which point everybody quit listening.

Energized, Bowen further touted the power of Iowan prayer. "Hawkeyes are a strange breed, and proof of that is the fact that as soon as they started praying more frequently and vigorously, the Man Upstairs started listening," she said. The prayer initiative is paying off. Previously, men had been praying mostly before intercourse, and women afterwards, but now they're doing it while they're doing it, and the effect has obviously been remarkable. It was a natural progression; it all started with oh God oh God oh God and then it was just a matter of fine-tuning and elaboration.

"Maybe everyone was praying the contraception would work," the Planned Parenthood spokesman muttered into a dead mike in an empty room.

"We have plans to also start incorporating various other types of prayers in order to start ridding children of different diseases while they're still in their mother's wombs," Bowen went on. A website is already in the works, including a navigable menu with items such as Petition 101.68: Lead us not into dementia, and deliver us from pigmentary cirrhosis. There has also been a proposal for a special pamphlet with a Sickle-Cell Anemia prayer fold-out to be distributed through Mickey D's. Everyone agrees it's a nice touch for the coloreds, but then again Iowans are nice people.

The Man Upstairs is reported to be totally on board with reducing abortions in Iowa. Presumably he could achieve a zero-abortion goal any time he wants to, but he's the sort who likes to be begged.

"We also have other plans," Ms. Bowen went on, "but unfortunately this is all I have the authority to divulge at the moment." Her smile remained enigmatic, but her administrative assistant was heard to say the Hawkeyes are looking real good in Escape Comet Bingo.

The Planned Parenthood spokesman was unavailable to comment due to heavy drinking. But other concerned factions were quick to criticize Ms. Bowen's take on the drop in abortions. One contingent insisted that there can be no such prayer effect and nothing short of a live blood sacrifice could account for the reduction. Furthermore, an animal no less evolved than a goat would do. If you merely toss a crab in a pot, explained a spokesman for the Mambo Miracle Institute, the Man Upstairs might have reason to doubt your sincerity.


27 comments:

  1. Asked to comment, the Planned Parenthood representative stared at the wall for a full minute, looking depressed

    Ah, yes, the "I am trying to reason with a person who has the IQ of cement" feeling. I know that one well.

    The bad guys are going to lose this argument because, like the gay-haters, they're making outlandish assertions about something they don't realize is now part of everyday life for most people. Demonizing gays stopped working when enough gay people had come out of the closet that most people knew at least one or two, and could no longer be deceived by the pictures the fundies painted of them. In the same way, all this nonsense about birth control and how people make reproductive decisions won't sell when most people have direct experience of those things.

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    1. Heck, Planned Parenthood was pretty much the only place I got health care when I was coming up. I can't be the only one.

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    2. Me, too. Not just when I was a teen-ager, but for most of my adult life. I never had insurance until Obamacare. Planned Parenthood was what was affordable.

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  2. It would be SOO nice if we could reduce abortions by supporting pregnant woman and then their children with free or low cost nutritious foods, work/study programs, free childcare, etc. Seems like both sides of this current abortion mess should join in this enderer. Of course, I still believe in the tooth fairy too.

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    1. And I can't edit enderer to endeavor. Got to go make some coffee.

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    2. We edited it for you in our heads, Marilyn! [sluuurp]

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  3. Like a child's imaginary friend, The Man Upstairs is invoked far too often in this age which pursues scientific evidence. How frustrating for my poor heroine, Penny Dickey! I chuckled when I read your words "... he's the sort who likes to be begged."

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  4. I sowed a lot of oats in Iowa as a young man. Or maybe it was corn. No one got pregnant, either. I really don't remember any praying involved in those randy years, except the occasional, "Oh my GOD!"
    Here's a fun link to someone who trolled a protest against PP.
    http://theimmoralminority.blogspot.com/2015/10/woman-trolls-planned-parenthood.html

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    1. Oh that was just down the street from us. I wish I'd been there. I never got any yeast infections; I guess parts of me are still waiting to rise.

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  5. This is scary. Truly scary.

    But funny as heck. I blame that part on you.

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    1. She's really odd. She even said something about prayer being a "get out of jail free card," because it's so powerful it will get you out of a scrape you put yourself in.

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  6. Holy moly, the truth is so close to satire sometimes!

    Sharing on FB.

    Pearl

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    1. Yeah, some of this stuff doesn't require much extra effort.

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  7. I had three children and prayed for no more...God told me to get a vasectomy. That worked until it got reversed and now I have four and am back to praying.

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    1. I always wondered about those reversed vasectomies. Like, maybe they just make it so the little spermies all swim the other direction to get away from Mr. Scalpel.

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  8. Oh dear. And sigh.
    Loved your take, but am still very glad that Ms Bowen (and her ilk) are not part of my life.

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  9. I wouldn't want to be all sweary on your blog, but "holy fuck!" was my thought. And then another thought followed which said that the first thought was accurate, given that they now encourage pre-and-post -tumescent praying...

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    1. See bpadgett below! WE'RE SAVED! WE'RE SAVED! It isn't (QUITE) as bad as we thought!

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  10. Oh, Murr. I don't know how to break this to you, but you've been had. The first part of your story is true, but when you get to the part about The Man Upstairs and praying during intercourse and praying away various childhood diseases? Straight from Newslo, a satire site. Here's the link; if you click on "SHOW FACTS" under the title, it'll highlight the parts that are factual--the rest is totally made up. http://www.newslo.com/people-praying-during-intercourse/

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    1. Oh man! My bad. I usually can detect these things. I didn't know anything about Newslo. "Show facts." Now that's something you don't usually see on a website. Thanks! I do believe I can be forgiven for believing that such a person might have really said these things...

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    2. PS I edited out the bit about her statements being authentic. Thanks again.

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  11. Prayers work?? Righto then, Dear God....oh wait, I see I as mistaken.
    I hope the warring parties get themselves sorted out or at least learn to leave each other alone. Don't we have enough strife already in this world?

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    1. If half of everybody would go away we'd have hardly any strife at all.

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