Saturday, October 17, 2015

Complete Coverage At Eleven

The man they are calling the Maxi-Pad bandit was apprehended quickly. He had robbed an auto parts store in Apple Valley, California whilst wearing a Maxi-Pad over his eyes. If he'd had any experience with the things, he'd never have gone that route. I'm not sure exactly what tipped off the police. Perhaps they put out an APB for a large man in a dark T-shirt who had lost his eyebrows to the adhesive strip.

But anyone familiar with Maxi-Pads would have been able to tell him that no matter how carefully you position the thing, your identity is going to leak out at some point. He might have had better luck if he'd tried the kind with wings, which would have concealed his nose and forehead. But even with an overnight pad, you're never going to be able to count on complete coverage.

The police spokesperson indicated he might have been under the influence of something, and I can't quibble with that. Any time I was under the influence of anything that required the use of Maxi-Pads, I felt a crime spree coming on.

At least he was fortunate enough to begin his spree after the invention of the adhesive strip. If he'd tried to rip off an auto parts store in the 'Sixties, he'd have been in a world of hurt. No matter how well he tightened the little belt, the sucker was bound to travel. It would slide down his face or up over his forehead but it would not stay where he intended to be.

Another thing to consider was once he'd decided to go with the Maxi-Pad, swimming was out for the rest of the day. If he'd had even an ounce of creativity, he might have been able to fashion something along the lines of a sombrero with tampons tied to the brim where the dingleballs are supposed to be. Even if his features were visible through the swinging tampons, most witnesses would be too astonished to recall them. Then all he'd have to do is ditch the hat in the nearest dumpster and he's home free. But there's something about this fellow that makes me suspect he'd just go around the corner to the Burger King and sit at a table with his tampon hat on and admire his auto parts. And somebody would notice.

Wait! Panty liners! Dude totally could have gone with panty liners. He'd appreciate the slim contour, comfort and lack of bulkiness. He could cover his whole face with a half dozen and still have some left over for the tattoos on his arms, which were by the way visible in the surveillance video.

Instead it looks like he's going to jail. He should have used StayFree.

51 comments:

  1. Forgive me for doubting you but I had to ask Captain Google about this inept thief.
    Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear.
    Love your final line - and wonder just what the other inmates of his new residence will have to say.

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    1. There's really no need to make anything up in this world.

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  2. In answer to EC's wonderment...he's gonna "slip on the soap in the shower"
    I wasn't totally sure til I got almost to the end what the heck you were talking about. Then the penny dropped...it's those things we use as field dressings in ranger patrols' jeeps. Excellent things for packing around a serious puncture wound,,,

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    1. You do not use the word "Maxi-Pad?"

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    2. Well, I don't, but I suppose some do.Or use the brand name.

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  3. Well, I'm speechless, except to say that that man ain't right.

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  4. You didn't mention the menstrual cup. I forget the brand I tried in the 1970's, but they are flexible silicone cups that fit inside to "catch the menstrual flow". He could have put one over each eye, and looked bug-like.

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    1. I remember. It was called "Tassaway" and I've often thought it might be worth writing about in this space but it's too disgusting. That was not a good product.

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    2. Agreed. Suction kicked in EXACTLY when you didn't want it to. I will say no more.

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    3. I thought I was being very forward-thinking to try it but just the once. The rest room looked like an ax murderer had dropped by.

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  5. I am surprised that you passed on the disposable panties that are all the rage on TV these days. He could have just pulled it over his head. The human animal never ceases to amaze me in it stupidity and this upcoming election is not changing that.

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    1. Disposable panties are something I clearly could have used when I was a letter carrier. I'm just sayin'. As it was, some of my Reg'lar panties ended up being disposable.

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    2. I am reminded of Raising Arizona: "Son? You got a panty on your head."

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  6. Thank you. I haven't laughed so hard in weeks. You are priceless!

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    1. You know, you read about these things, and you think: thank you Jeebus. Another blog post, damn near pre-written.

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  7. "Somebody's going the auto parts store, somebody's going to jail"
    (apologies to Don Henley)

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    1. Fortunately I can't think of the song you're referencing, because we'd have to have it out if you'd put a Don Henley song in my brain!

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  8. Wouldn't a ski mask have been more effective than a feminine hygiene product? Jeez.

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    1. You know what? The dude is also on surveillance camera pressing his unadorned face against the glass to scope out the place. Then he put on his Feminine Hygiene Product and smashed the door in.

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  9. Is it really easier to find a maxipad than it is to find some pantihose?

    I'm just sitting here thinking, why? why? why?

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    1. But pantyhose would be so unattractive.

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  10. Candy panties--that's all I'm saying!

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  11. Am laughing so hard, I need one of those aforementioned panty liners...

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    1. An unfortunate side effect, to be sure.

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  12. The crook now has his 15 minutes of fame, thanks to being mentioned in your PERIOD-ical! Yuk-Yuk-YuK!!!

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  13. This was just hilarious. The criminal's method was amusing in and of itself but your take on it put the icing on the cake. OMG, I am still laughing. And I needed a laugh.

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    1. I can't think of a time we don't need at least one.

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  14. I NEVER thought I'd see a Maxi-pad used this way. Love the way you wrote about it :D

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    1. It's kind of hard to imagine him coming up with it.

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  15. These are the new big thing, apparel-wise. Almost makes me wish for the good ol' days. (NOT)

    http://www.shethinx.com/account/register?fbuy_ref_code=cYGbO&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=GIVE+%2410%2C+GET+%2410&utm_content=facebook&utm_source=Friendbuy&view=lp

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    1. Oh MAN! This sounds good to me. I'd have tried it. It doesn't explain much about the laundering issue, but I'm assuming they're not throwaway? Huh? Oh. Maybe they are. Never mind.

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    2. That was my question. They ARE washable, and supposed to last about 2 years. Hand rinse them first, then launder, air dry.

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    3. Glad they're there, and glad I don't need 'em.

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  16. Ya hear about the cheap motel with large rooms? Stay-free maxi-pads

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  17. I hope Pootie was making making overtime on this one. Poor guy.

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    1. I told him it was pirate paraphernalia.

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  18. Replies
    1. Someone in the olden days realized that when it came to certain subjects, brief taglines were the way to go.

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  19. frankly I'm surprised he didn't try to rob a Walmart - no one would have noticed him...

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    1. Jeez, you're right! Some woman was just caught "trying on tampons" in a Walmart.

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  20. I gave birth to my daughter in 1989. And in 1989, I was given a pad and belt, that neither I nor the nurses' aide had any idea what to do with. I called my sister and asked to bring me a box of pads from the drug store. I know adhesive strip pads had been available since at least 1977, because that's when I started using them. WTF, hospital?

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    1. This rings a bell for me too. I mean, do they even make the kind you have to skootch into the little belt notches anymore?

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