Wednesday, July 22, 2015

I'm Tripping, Man


There was a knock at the door. It was the Fuzz, but I didn't cheese it.  I'm a white girl, so cops don't scare me.

"Come on in. What can I do for you?  Ooooo, don't shake that hand. It's pretty sore. What? Oh nothing. Just a bruise on my palm, and, yes, now that you point it out, there is a little abrasion there. Nothing major. You should see my elbow!

"What? No, I just fell down again. I fall down a lot. At least I didn't hit my head this time! Nothing to hurt there! That's what my husband says! Ha ha! So what can I do for you?

"That? Oh. I didn't realize I was that loud. Which neighbor called? You're not allowed to say? That's all right. I was just trying to tell my husband to let go of me, but he wouldn't listen. He was taking a washcloth to my elbow, here, trying to scrub it clean, and I guess it's pretty bruised too, and I might have screamed a little. But that's what you want. You want a guy who won't listen to you when you tell him to stop, if you're ever going to get cleaned up properly.

"No, no, like I said, I fell down again. Right in the street! I fall down a lot. Ask anybody. I even blog about it. There was the time I whacked my head falling on the frozen lake. And the time I fell face first onto the sidewalk when I tripped. And the time I fainted and knocked myself out hitting my head on the wall of the bedroom. I could show you the divot. And all those times in the woods. I just don't pay attention where I'm walking, I guess. I'm such a clumsy ninny!

"Oh, and crazy stuff. Like when it was Leap Day and for some reason I decided to demonstrate Leaping in its honor and tried to do a 360 twirl in the air. But I can only jump about three inches and came down about 270 degrees short and landed wrong and bam I hit the pavement again. That one was hard to explain to people! Ha ha! We joke about it all the time. 'It's a good thing you're so short,' my husband tells me. 'You don't have that far to fall.' And that's true. Sure go down like a ton of bricks though. Hey, we even had 'Short People' as the first song we played at our wedding. No, really! It was my husband's idea. You know it? 'Short people got no reason, short people got no reason to live...'

"Huh? No, I wouldn't say that's how he really feels. I mean, it's just a joke. He's a big joker.

"How big? Well, I don't know--about 6'5" and
200 pounds, I guess. So, sure, he's big, but not like football-player big. Pardon me? Like Ray Rice? Don't know him. No, not really. He played a little in grade school but he's not really the football type.

"I take your point. He's a lot bigger than me. Who isn't? Ha ha! But he would never hurt me. Not on purpose. Well there was that time I got a split lip when he picked me up and turned me upside down to shake the change out of my pocket, and he lost his grip, but it was no big deal. And I totally deserved it. He kept winning in cribbage, and I'd never pay up. What? No, I wouldn't say he was angry. Just going after what was rightfully his. If I'd just paid him he would never have dropped me on my face.

"Sure, wait just a second. He was right  here. Dave? Dave, could you come here a minute?

"Dave?"
Posted by Murr Brewster at 3:00:00 AM
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37 comments:

  1. vanillaJuly 22, 2015 at 6:02 AM

    Sadly a scenario all too often played out. Well-written piece about a serious problem.

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    1. Murr BrewsterJuly 22, 2015 at 6:39 AM

      I didn't mean for it to bum anyone out. It's just a fantasy that always comes to mind whenever I tip over AGAIN and people give Dave that uh-huh look, poor guy. But thanks!

      Delete
    2. vanillaJuly 22, 2015 at 8:57 AM

      Murr, I did not take it that Dave was beating you, but I did see it as an allegory for the battered woman who lives in denial. May the tipping lead to softer landings. Better yet, may the tipping not occur again.

      Delete
    3. Murr BrewsterJuly 22, 2015 at 8:05 PM

      I suspect I can only hope for the softer lsndings!

      Delete
  2. TiffinJuly 22, 2015 at 7:57 AM

    Murr, condolences from another faller overer. The scene of most of my crimes is in the garden. I often have flowers on the kitchen table which weren't picked but broken off by my flailing self. The best time was when I stumbled backwards into one of my lads, knocking him into the next border and landing on him. We lay there, helpless with laughter. One time Himself, a cyclist, bought me a bicycle so I could ride with him. That was a complete disaster. We sold the bike. The worst was getting wrapped in the dog's leash and going down face first onto the tar & chip road, breaking my orbital bone, destroying a shoulder and smashing a wrist. A nice lady picked me up off the road and drove me home, complete with terrified dog.

    I'm short too. I wonder if there is a correlation?

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    1. Murr BrewsterJuly 22, 2015 at 8:06 PM

      This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    2. Murr BrewsterJuly 22, 2015 at 8:08 PM

      Holy cow! I'm a piker compared to you. My god, woman, strap yourself down.

      Delete
    3. TiffinJuly 24, 2015 at 8:41 AM

      It's ok. I space it out so I get years to recover. Most of it relates to being older and a whole lot less agile, with poor eyesight. I still think I'm 24 but the body says ixnay.

      Delete
  3. knittergranJuly 22, 2015 at 8:03 AM

    Funny story! I once had to go to the ER for a serious nosebleed after sinus surgery. The nurse asked, "Do you feel safe at home?" I said that I didn't have a dog, but I did have an alarm system. She paused, and then said that my answer told her what she needed to know, and at that point, I realized what she had really been asking me.
    Have you tried Tai Chi? It's supposed to be good for balance skills.

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    1. Murr BrewsterJuly 22, 2015 at 8:11 PM

      They always ask us that at Kaiser. They asked Dave that one day before an operation. "Is there anyone at home you're afraid of?" He trembled and nodded and slid a wary glance at me. And all the nurses burst out laughing.

      Delete
  4. joehJuly 22, 2015 at 9:28 AM

    Don't sass Dave in an elevator!

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  5. JonoJuly 22, 2015 at 12:10 PM

    And the voice in the background yelling, "Dave's not here!"
    I once rolled over in my sleep and elbowed the missus in the eye which turned black and blue. " My husband did it, " she said as I cringed.

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    1. Murr BrewsterJuly 22, 2015 at 8:13 PM

      I think Dave likes to keep his distance after I've banged myself up.

      Delete
  6. Elephant's ChildJuly 22, 2015 at 12:51 PM

    Oh I hear you. After a spectacular face plant which left me limping with a bruised face and a HUGE scab moustache I didn't want to be seen in public. And then I thought of the courage it took my partner to be seen with me...
    Family violence is a really big and under resourced issue here. With few easy answers.

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    1. Murr BrewsterJuly 22, 2015 at 8:15 PM

      Do you suppose it's worse there for some reason? I'm very fortunate to never have felt unsafe. What a gift.

      Delete
  7. TaborJuly 22, 2015 at 2:22 PM

    You are quite a tipper. None of this looks good and I hope you stop this bad habit before you get to be my age! Did you all ever find Dave?

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  8. Nancy/BLissed-Out GrandmaJuly 22, 2015 at 3:52 PM

    You manage to get laughs out of just about every situation. I hate falling. I do it less since my cataract surgery, but also since I've been taking tap dance and working on my balance. Knock on wood.

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    1. Murr BrewsterJuly 22, 2015 at 8:18 PM

      Trip on wood. I really need to start looking where I'm going. One of these days I'm going to break something.

      Delete
  9. Geo.July 22, 2015 at 4:47 PM

    Last fall I took was 3 years ago off a 12-foot ladder. I now use a 6-foot ladder and trim shrubs lower. Don't care what spouse says about 2-storey neighbors peering in. I am a retired gardener who, like all workers in all jobs, knows the art of self-preservation. Go thou and do likewise.

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    1. Murr BrewsterJuly 22, 2015 at 8:20 PM

      Like all surviving, intact workers, you mean. Discretion. Valor. I'm on it.

      Delete
  10. jenny_oJuly 22, 2015 at 5:19 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  11. jenny_oJuly 22, 2015 at 5:20 PM

    I'm shaped a lot like a weeble. Remember those? (Weebles wobble but they don't fall down.) I'm a little afraid to lose weight in case it's a matter of trading in one bad thing for another. Hope you heal quickly so Dave can come out of hiding!

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    1. Murr BrewsterJuly 22, 2015 at 8:21 PM

      Poor guy. Mosquitoes fear him, but that's about all.

      Delete
  12. dinahmowJuly 22, 2015 at 5:55 PM

    Well , I guess you'll be fine as long as you don't become known in the restaurant trade as "Big Tipper" Worse, one who welshes on bets...

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  13. Rose LJuly 22, 2015 at 9:31 PM

    Jeez woman! Trying to perfect falling to get some bucks from store lawsuits? "Fallen lady in aisle 4."
    Poor Dave. Is there an APB out for him?

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  14. RiverJuly 22, 2015 at 11:07 PM

    Have you thought about wearing a padded suit when you are awake? Well padded, like a sumo suit.
    I'm short too, but rarely fall.

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    1. Murr BrewsterJuly 23, 2015 at 5:25 AM

      I'm well padded, but contents may have shifted.

      Delete
  15. AnonymousJuly 23, 2015 at 4:03 AM

    I have a ton of bubble wrap in my attic that I could send to you. Perhaps some savvy local tailor could make you an outfit out of it?

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    1. Murr BrewsterJuly 23, 2015 at 5:28 AM

      Did you know they're now making unpoppable bubble wrap? I know, WTF?

      Delete
  16. UnknownJuly 24, 2015 at 5:32 AM

    Years ago, I used to fall down all the time. Then a doctor I was seeing said that studies had shown that people low in vitamin D had that tendency, so I was checked and was extremely low. When I began taking 5,000 IU vitamin D daily, I stopped falling down. This might not apply to you, but it wouldn't hurt to get your level checked.

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    1. Murr BrewsterJuly 24, 2015 at 5:51 AM

      I'm already good about keeping my fluids topped up. Certain fluids.

      Delete
  17. Ol'BuzzardJuly 24, 2015 at 1:50 PM

    I am six feet and two hundred pounds and pretty strapping for a seventy plus man; yet every time I go into the VA they always ask me if I'm being abused at home. My standard answer is ' I had rather not say for my wife would be mad.'
    the Ol'Buzzard

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