Saturday, February 1, 2014

Panties Unfurled


The other day I suddenly felt something wonderful--something in what we shall call the crotchular region, something that I hadn't felt in a long, long time. I stopped and turned this way and that and felt it again. And again. And, oh god, again.

Extraordinary!  I couldn't even remember the last time I'd had that sensation. What could I even call it? Roominess. I felt roominess in my underpants. Tiny breezes. Flapping. There were portions of my underpants, in fact, that were not welded to my ass. There was--dare I say it?--draping.

Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time since puberty, I have droopy drawers.

It's the exact opposite feeling I've come to associate with underwear. Ordinarily I am one with my underwear. I don't want to be, but I am not in control. My underwear has a military demeanor. The bra holds the front line and bolsters the flanks with forces conscripted from the armpit. Below, things charge up the hill and lay siege to the valley. Elastic maintains the perimeter and holds the line against invasions from the north. The rear guard engages in trench warfare at its very worst. I have nothing to say about it.

One way to make peace is with the hippie mama dress. The hippie mama dress might grace the shoulders and jut over the bust, but after that it's all air and unicorns right to the ground. In a different context it could be mistaken for a window treatment. If fashion makes a statement, the statement of this dress is "capacity up to three hundred pounds of oats, groats, seeds, sprouts, soy, and silage. Contents may have settled during shipping." It's nothing to look at, but here's the payoff: no underwear is required. It's nudity without the risk of causing public blindness.

The thing about the hippie mama dress is there's no way to tell how much of you is inside it. I actually took up less room in the interior than it might have appeared. And now there is about ten percent less of me to love than there was a few years ago. Just enough of a loss to put a spring in my step and a breeze in my underpants. The other kind of breeze in my underpants.

I wasn't specifically trying to lose weight, but it's happened. The forces of gravity have begun to overcome the forces of friction in my trousers. All vectors are pointing downward.

And now it is time to buy smaller underpants, something with a little more allegiance to its cargo. But not yet. I can't abandon the old crew yet. Not when we've finally reached detente. Not when they're rippling under there like the flag of freedom.

58 comments:

  1. I was quite taken by the socks as well. Just saying.

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    1. We always wear socks here in Oregon. Socks and Keens in the winter, socks and sandals in the summer.

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  2. Bwahahaha! You had me going there, Murr. Glad to hear you are still wearing those hippie dresses. I've got one in my closet but it hasn't been worn in decades. Maybe it's time. :-)

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    1. You didn't throw it out. That should tell you something right there. You want it. You need it.

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  3. Comfort...lots to be said for that!

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    1. I remember the first time I saw a girl wearing loose trousers. In high school. When the rest of us had to lie down on our beds to get our pants zipped up. It was a revelation.

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    2. Did she have comfortable shoes and a bad haircut, too?

      I can get away with saying that: I have all three!

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    3. Me too! All my shoes look like boy shoes.

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  4. Freedom from self-induce snuggies is a wonderful feeling, isn't it? There is so much freedom in not having to impress the girls at the beach (not saying I couldn't) anymore. Even the pointing and giggling doesn't have an effect. Free at last!

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  5. I need a dress like that. I have some black skirts that reach the ankles, loosely, but they don't giggle.

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  6. Well congratulations to you in the weight-loss department, first off. And that is one swell-looking hippy momma dress. Puts me in mind of one of the blue jeans skirts I made in my hippy chick days. They were comfy and underwear-optional too. Whee!

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    1. Aw, I never had a blue jeans skirt. I did have a denim jumper. And my jeans were more patch than original jean. That took a lot of upkeep but it was worth it for the style points.

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  7. And if you've got somebody to salute the flag, so much the better...

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  8. Even if I had a comment, I'm laughing too hard to get it out! High-five on the weight loss. That is not the usual direction we go as we age!

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  9. Don't fret, Murr. Your loss is my gain. You lost it. I found it-. And, if you ever want the weight back, I know where it went.

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    1. Odd how when you get rid of stuff, the spareness feels like a gain. And when you get rid of pounds, it's the roominess that feels like a gain.

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  10. Next thing will be a trip to Victoria's Secret.....

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    1. Not since the incident of 1994.

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    2. Pictures or it didn't happen....

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    3. You know, the people who brought cameras into Victoria's Secret got ushered out.

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  11. Weight loss without intention. I will start immediately.

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    1. You have to be vewy vewy quiet and sneak up on it.

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  12. Usually mine only do that when the elastic dies. This post got me right here, Murr, *punching heart area with fist*. I just got all the blasted Christmas chocolate out of the house when Himself brought home another tin on sale. I am still firmly one with my underwear but raise my mug in salute to your accomplishment, m'dear.

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    1. Around here we have tins of almond roca that Dave made and didn't think were worthy of being given away. Holidays can be tough. I've never been a huge chocolate fiend though.

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  13. "...air and unicorns, right to the ground." Love it!

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  14. I like hippie dresses and the air and all that - but the unicorns? Doesn't sound too roomy under there to me.

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  15. Don't forget, gravity is always winning. Buy bigger shoes.

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  16. Love the hippie mama dress, but no underwear? I couldn't possibly, I'd be so uncomfortable.
    Nice that you've lost weight though, (I wish some of mine would get lost, but I'm not yet ready to give up ice cream, not while it is 40+C degrees down here), I'd be in the shops at the first possible moment for new undies.

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  17. I've opted for huge cargo pants because my wife won't let me have a hippie dress. "What will the neighbors think?!" she keeps saying.

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    1. You could have a secret just-for-home hippie dress.

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    2. Caftans. Men can wear caftans

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  18. "And now there is about ten percent less of me to love than there was a few years ago."

    WOOOOT!

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  19. I accomplish the same thing by just buying granny panties several sizes too large. It's a shame that after six months they start shrinking and become tight.

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  20. Bear thinks the hippie dress looks, well, almost hippy. Perhaps too much cloth in it for the 60s, but I'm not sure. I just know you'd never catch me wearing that.

    Blessings and Bear hugs!

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    1. We wouldn't catch you because you're just too fast, right?

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  21. are you sure it just isn't because the elastic has given out?

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    1. Hey now. I'm in charge of my own narrative.

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  22. Your descriptions are pricelsss, my friend. I've got to get one of those hippie mama dresses. I figured out why my ass is a size 4. What should be on my backside has now popped out the front side. It's a cruel, cruel world.

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    1. That is a dang vivid picture, Jayne. It does sound like you have a real comfortable lap now.

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  23. Well, shucks Murr. I shoulda told you years ago to just start wearing men's boxer shorts. I got a pair of them as a joke about 20 years ago, and as a man, I really liked the, um, "freedom of movement", so to speak. which means that you probably coulda been enjoying rippling breezes yourself for the last 20 years or so....And about this hippie-mama-dress-thang....our mothers' generation had the muu-muu, which you can still get on line from old-fashioned mail-order catalogs. When I get mine, I'll post a picture modeling it -- at this age, who cares?

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    1. Hey. I actually have a pair of boxer shorts. They have salamanders on them. Beat that. Wait! Don't beat anything!

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  24. Om my gosh. I'm so sold on this website. Hi!!

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    1. Hi yourself! Welcome! Tickled as hell you're here.

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  25. A pastel hippie momma dress? You made that yourself, didn't you? I remember the Indian print bedspreads being made into wrap skirts that would cover a multitude of sins, but I never saw hippies in sweet pastels. I am bitterly jealous, by the way, of the weight loss and will be delivering cheesecake and salted cashews as soon as the snow melts.

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    1. I'll take the cashews in a hot minute. Roxie, I only eliminated one thing from my diet and I'm not suffering at ALL! Still having beer and ice cream. And cashews.

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