Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Let The Human Interest Stories Begin!


At last the Winter Olympics are here. Russia has been angling for an Olympics for a long time and finally got the one they wanted: the Winter games, which show Putin's nipples off to best effect. Lacking authority over climate change--so far--Putin has gone to great lengths to assure proper winter conditions for Sochi. The last two winters' snowpacks were detained indefinitely by the state, and new snow was being manufactured right up until opening ceremonies. In some cases supplies have been artificially augmented, such as in the mogul run, consisting of a light top layer of snow over the glazed and powdered bodies of unrepentant homosexuals. The Russian team is ready, resplendent in butch outerwear lined with stray dog fur. Let the games begin!

Singles figure skating was one of the first events and here, too, Team Russia looks promising. Team Canada registered an objection when their star Tessa Virtue was marked down for "getting off on her twizzles," pointing out that it's hard not to get off if properly twizzled. American skater Ashley Wagner was out of the running early, after combatively asserting that her only goal was to prove she should be here, which she could have done just as well by displaying her ticket and visa. Promising skater Mao Asada of Japan, set to retire at age 23, gave a stirring performance marred by a fall on her first jump, after which she was shot and sent to the rendering plant. And then it was just left for tiny Russian phenom Yulia Lipnitskaya, age 15, to mop up with an outstanding routine. Her talent had been well nurtured after she showed early promise and her first menstrual period was detained indefinitely by the state.

As always, the individuals singled out for greatness are those who have had the most to overcome, and many of the human-interest stories remain in tight contention. If calamity does not occur naturally, a semblance of  it can be manufactured; to that end, the Russian hosts have provided intermittent electrical service and running water plus ice toilet seats in the athletes' lodging. The Russian team members have been accused of having the unfair additional advantage of a threat of a Siberian retirement, but nothing has been proved.

Tiny East Fuckistan's hopes for the gold are pinned on luge contender Mglyk Sklerotodic, who is thought to have nothing left to lose. Abandoned as an infant in the parking lot of Dirt 'N' Potatoes R Us, young Mglyk was rescued by a pack of wolves that chewed him out of the burlap sack. He was subsequently raised in the woods, until his pack was tragically gunned down by the East Fuckistan Biathlon Team when their 24-hour ski training regimen left them too woozy to steady their rifles. Newly re-orphaned,
Mglyk was left healthy except for a lingering hip dysplasia, and recovered only after retrieving enough Legos from a dumpster to fashion his own splints. He is expected to easily best American Bobby Lee Piecrust, who has brought to the competition only a mother with cancer and poor employment prospects.  Bobby Lee told reporters that he will do the best he can to make his mother proud, with God's help, and said that he is holding out hopes his circumstances are at least heart-wrenching enough to land him a spot in a singing competition.

26 comments:

  1. So that's why we've had all this snow the last few days! It's gay snow from Russia which fled the country for fear of being shot.

    I guess East Fuckistan is one of those countries like Croatia which suffers from chronic vowel shortages. I hope they'll eventually receive emergency aid for that problem from the French, who have all those surplus vowels on the ends of their words which they aren't using or even pronouncing.

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    1. Oh they're pronouncing them. They're pronouncing them in ways they do not expect any of the rest of us to hear.

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  2. Where do you get all those awesome clothes for Pootie? Ice skates? I am SO impressed!

    Pootie Luge should be a new event. Right up there with Power Lounging and the two liter margarita race.

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    1. Pootie has his own credit card and few unfulfilled desires.

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  3. Have you tried to get a column yet? Lots and lots of people should be reading your stuff.

    Pearl

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    1. Thanks! Haven't tried real hard, no. And I had more readers a year ago than I do now. I treat it like my investments. Check the stats feverishly until they tank and then don't check them at all.

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  4. There are about 88 countries (including East Fuckistan) competing, but we are only allowed to hear about the handful that win gold. Speaking of gold, is that real gold on Pootie? If it is I am sure we are related and you should pity your long lost relatives of which I must be one. You could send me one of those, but that would be socialism. Maybe Vladimir would okay that as long as none of us are gay.

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    1. Ain't you some kind of Viking? We must be related. Doesn't mean we're not long lost.

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  5. You have way too much fun dressing up Pootie. But that's okay with me, because I'm having way too much fun seeing how you've dressed up Pootie.

    I agree with Pearl. Or would the deadlines make it into work?

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    1. They would make it work, but I think I've finally shown myself I can do it. It's been five years now and I haven't missed my own deadlines yet.

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  6. I am in love with the way you dress up Pootie! Love the ice skates!

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    1. Psssst. They're really roller blades. Don't tell.

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  7. A gold medal for your clever post. And one for Pootie for his athletic wear.

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    1. Funny how a handsome man look good in any ole thing he throw on...

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  8. Pootie on the podium is more entertaining than Putin on anything.

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    1. Pootie is at heart a gentleman, and a gentleman does not nipple-flaunt.

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  9. Aw, geez, Murr. You should be writing for the Daily Show!

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    1. At best I could only write for the twice-weekly show!

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  10. Sigh. I have been away from you for too long. I have missed you - and have been bounteously rewarded this morning. Megathanks.

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    1. Life got in the way. And I should have resisted more strongly.

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  11. What is wrong with me? I haven't watched any of the Olympics.
    the Ol'Buzzard

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  12. Pootie looks so good in his little skates! And I see he has a couple of gold medals too. Three cheers for Pootie!
    I haven't been watching the Olympics either.

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    1. Hell yes, Pootie! Dave and I had to walk 26 miles for his medals.

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