Saturday, July 28, 2012

A Logical Phallusy

We thought we'd taken care of the Spring Ant Influx a few months ago. The regular army showed up every day for about a month and we batted them back with Windex until they gave up and went home, clean and shiny. All was quiet on the Northwestern Front for a few weeks and then they got modern. No longer are they sending out a battalion and risking mass obliteration. A grain of oatmeal, a stray fruit smear, even swatted fly meat, each will accumulate a score of ants within fifteen minutes of deposition. Their communications technology is sophisticated. The little buggers are now dropping formic acid and forming flash mobs.

But I don't have any garden slugs. I've got a hosta buffet out there for them and no one has showed up. You're supposed to dispatch slugs with beer, but I don't like to share. Slugs and ants are pretty much the entire pest roster out here. We don't have many mosquitoes, gnats, ticks, Republicans, or black flies. And other people in town are complaining about the slugs, so I know they're around. So I got to thinking:

Whereas: We have ants.
Whereas: We don't have slugs.
Therefore: The ants must have creeped out the slugs.

I felt pretty confident about this conclusion. I do have a vestigial science degree and I understand how reasoning works, because I've seen it in the outside world. For instance:

Whereas: Barack Obama is black.
Whereas: I want to mine coal without regard to environmental or human health consequences.
Therefore: Voters should be required to show photo I.D. at the polls.

I can see no fallacy in this conclusion, unless you count the logical one. But when you're practicing home science, you need to be open to new evidence that may alter your conclusions. And that's what we found on a walk the other day. There was a large old tree in the parking strip. And it was covered with a foot-wide column of slime to a height of twelve feet, where the trunk tipped out over the sidewalk. I know what has happened here. A slug orgy has happened here. Our common garden slugs mate while suspended on a string of slime. They need to get high enough to be able to hang off something, and they're well hung. Each slug has his or her own giant diaphanous sky-blue penis which it wraps around its mate's and they remain in this position, twirling lasciviously, for hours. They are having way more fun than you ever thought of having. And the huge amount of slime on this tree indicates a multi-slug event, similar to what we used to call, in college, "spring break." I marveled at the amount of goo that each slug had to emit to reach those heights. "They're teenagers," Dave explained.

So because I now have new evidence, I have revised my conclusion. I now believe I don't have any slugs in my yard because the party is somewhere else this year, and the ants have nothing to do with it. Someone might also want to re-think the other conclusion, above.

Whereas: Barack Obama is president.
Whereas: I want to mine coal without regard to environmental or human health consequences.
Therefore: Gay marriage is a threat to the fabric of our civilization.

81 comments:

  1. Have added you to my blog list...glad I did. YOu are one wit and you cannot get rid of ants with a great sense of humor but only poison that requires a permit to use. But you knew that.

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    1. You can polish them up real nice with Windex, though.

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  2. There was a large old tree in the parking strip. And it was covered with a foot-wide column of slime to a height of twelve feet, where the trunk tipped out over the sidewalk. I know what has happened here. A slug orgy has happened here.

    Either that, or you have a single slug which is one foot wide. What you need is an ant capable of creeping out even that slug.

    The only other thing capable of leaving a slime trail that wide would be Republicans, but that's too disturbing to contemplate. They're getting resistant even to Windex these days. Pelting them with exuding weasels might work.

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    1. See, once again, there's a sentence I never thought I'd hear.

      And you just happened to have a giant ant video in your pocket? Won't wonders never cease!

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    2. That's not a giant ant in my pocket. I'm just glad to see you:-)

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    3. Oh good. Because the antennae were throwing me off.

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  3. In my world it's Whereas:...Whereas...RESOLVED:..." (Usually with 10 or 15 more "whereasses".) But using the scientific formula for logic for the moment, I put it to you that

    Whereas: Murr puts a new blog post up every Saturday morning.
    Whereas: This is Saturday Morning.
    Therefore: All's right with the world. For a few minutes, anyway.

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    1. Right you are, it's RESOLVED. However, there are plenty of where-asses. Glad I can make (part of your) morning!

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  4. I have tried everything for my slug problem except the beer, I guess it's time to share. Your logic is just about as logical as any others I've seen around the news lately. Thank goodness you have that science degree or people might not believe in your reasoning powers. Linda Koons said it all very well, didn't she?

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    1. I thought people should believe my reasoning powers because I'm little and wear glasses, but maybe that's faulty reasoning.

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    2. You know it's OK to use really cheap crappy beer for the slugs...they're low rent and don't care at all.

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    3. My dad didn't have a science degree, and he didn't drink beer. He though beer was something for slugs (of various kinds). And he kept them out of the garden with beer. As Linda said, "Cheap crappy beer." The cheapest he could find. (Though you won't find much of that in Canada.)

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  5. I love the way your think! Your logic is impeccable!

    As for the video... "Each everts it's male organ from just behind its head." ...and so the "thinking with his penis" male stereotype is confirmed!

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    1. I was wondering if anyone would catch that!

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  6. Slug porn. I had no idea. The romantic music in the background is a nice touch. It's rare that anything to do with sex leave me gob-smacked, but you have down it again, Murr.

    Pat Lichen says the mating begins with the slugs slapping each other. Maybe those are Jersey slugs.

    The only other thing that would leave a foot wide trail of slime is a lawyer, but you almost never find them in trees, so a viscid slug orgy would be my guess, too.

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    1. Pat Lichen has probably watched a lot of slug sex, so I'd tend to believe her about the slapping.

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  7. I forgot to add that I saw this little pornography video when it aired years ago and I was shocked...SHOCKED that they would allow this on a family channel. ;-0

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    1. You're right. It could be seriously damaging to a little boy's self-esteem.

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  8. Mating leopard slugs: Cirque du Soleil for dickheads.....with pretty music.

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  9. Just when I thought I knew everything ... blue penises. Wow.

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  10. Whereas snails have an impressive sex-life as well. So many creepy, icky beasties do.
    Therefore: It is compensation. And I refuse to draw any analogies.

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    1. I'm guessing they are very very attractive to each other. So, no need for compensation!

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  11. This might interest you
    http://www.lastwordonnothing.com/2012/07/27/tgipf-the-bed-bug-and-his-violent-penis/

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    1. Oh crimony. That is totally revolting. And Isabella Rosellini, whom I once considered the most beautiful woman in the world--gadzooks, woman!

      Hey dinahmow, I'm going to NZ. Any travel suggestions?

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    2. You might want to check with seismologists before you venture to Christchurch.;-)

      Pack sunscreen.Enjoy. There are some terrific wines, but don't know about beers. Hell! What am I saying...they love their beer.And huhu grubs http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Huhu_beetle

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  12. Why haven't I ever come across this sight? Do they pick trees where no one should come upon them or do they do it when all humans should be in bed???

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    1. Just start looking. Walls work too. You'll see it.

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  13. Never thought I would say this, but gay slug sex is beautiful. Then again, who would expect less.

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    1. I like any blog comment here that begins "never thought I would say this, but..."

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  14. Could it have been slime mold? They can get pretty wild too, or so I hear.

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  15. This is off-topic, but the subject was broached so I want to jump on it quickly. I've noticed that your blog posts at "3 A.M. PDT" but always gets to my inbox here in Virginia at approximately 8:15 P.M. I realize that Portland is on the opposite coast, but why does it always take over 17 hours to reach me? Just really, really curious.

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    1. Here's what I know, Linda. I set my posts to go off at 3AM Pacific time, and that's when they go off. (I don't know why I settled on that, but that way I already have comments when I drag my ass out of bed in the morning. Although some of them are from Australia and were probably put in before I even posted.) But the notifications about Murrmurrs that come in your email box if you've signed up for them don't show up till evening. I get a notification too, and it's evening. I have no idea why this is, but I'm thinking mine is not the only blog it happens on. I don't mention it, because most people have probably figured out that they can click on any time Saturday and Wednesday morning and get a new post. You can too--it's in there by 6am your time. And I don't like to discourage people from getting email notifications even though they're redundant by the time they arrive if they've learned to click on it earlier. Because it's a useful stat for me: email subscribers. That said, I don't assume everyone who unsubscribes no longer reads Murrmurrs. I figure a lot of them do, but get tired of the stale notice.

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  16. Despite the music and the Proper-Sounding-Narrator of the video, I still found my stomach lurching at this; I feel like I have somehow failed a test :)

    On the other hand, your logic cheered me up. Too funny!

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  17. Was your stomach lurching, or were you feeling "a little funny in the tummy?"

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    1. Ha ha! The first, I'm sorry to say!

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    2. You'd have more fun if you tapped into your reptilian brain.

      And no, I'm not calling slugs reptiles. But we don't have a slug brain. Not after coffee, anyway.

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    3. As a person who believes in sex and choice, I feel I must clarify the queasiness was simply that they're slugs - I am SO not big on slime. Gah, even typing that makes me feel gaggy. Those, and earwigs - I just have to not think about them too much. Guess who didn't enjoy biology too much back (way back) in high school? :)

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  18. Since I have 5 indoor cats, I can't poison my spring and summer ant population on the west side of the house. A couple of years ago,however, I read a theory on how to get rid of them: namely,that ants will eat but cannot digest cornmeal. So if you set out cornmeal for them, they eat it until they're stuffed, then waddle back to their nest and die of acute indigestion.
    It took me a while to try it because it sounded so stupid and far-fetched that the thought of actually doing it made me feel like a gullible idiot. But finally, when the invasion could no longer be ignored - even by the cats, who sat in a row watching the army of insects march along the molding under the picture window, as if it were the NYC Thanksgiving parade - I finally gave in and spread a line of cornmeal on the terracotta the width of the living room.
    At first this brought a sharp increase in the hoards that invaded the house, and I though, "Right, use cornmeal. They think its a frigging banquet!" But as the days passed, fewer and fewer came to dine, and within ten days or so, there wasn't a single ant.
    Problem solved, but I have to admit this devious way of exterminating an entire ant community didn't make me feel very proud of myself.

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    1. Will you remind me of this next year? I kind of wish I could get my cat interested in them. Tater and I saw a flicker out on the patio dining away on an outdoor ant explosion and I turned to her and said "see, like that." She remained more interested in the flicker. I told her he'd poke her eyes out.

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  19. My sister from Texas called a few minutes ago and asked me what I was doing and I told her I was watching slugs have sex on a you tube video. She's known me a long time now, so it barely fazed her. It was very lovely with the dreamy music and narration. It kind of reminded me of Pink and her gig in the white diaphanous sling high above the crowd at the Grammys a couple of years ago.

    Your title drew me in, I stayed for the orgy talk - every slimy detail. Thanks for a great time.

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    1. Oh! You're one of the ones who likes to watch!

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  20. Murr, I wish you'd apply your scientic background to getting ride of the Republicans. Leave the ants alone. They are an annoyance not a threat to Western Civilization.

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  21. I'm not as familiar with slug sex as I am with snail sex, but the important point is that snails have both male and female sex organs which are everted through a hole in their necks and make a secure connection for mutual transfer of sperm, then they each lay their fertilized eggs in the dirt. Before the hookup, though, they shoot calcareous darts from those holes aimed at the beloved's bodies. Seems to get them going, if you know what I mean. Who knew they were into S&M?

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    1. Once again I am delighted by reading a sentence that begins "I'm not as familiar with slug sex as I am with snail sex." Could have stopped right there, but I'm tickled you didn't.

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  22. By the way, the hookups can last for hours.

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    1. Even if you didn't know, at least you knew where to come for the good information.

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  24. You have no gnats, mosquitoes, or Republicans?

    Are there houses available in your area???

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    1. Uh oh--secret's out--and we have water and moderate temperatures too. NO! IT'S HORRIBLE HERE! RAINS ALL THE TIME! NO ONE EVER LOOKS STRAIGHT UP! TOO DANGEROUS!

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  25. We have Republicans - mostly in the desert.We have slime mold and banana slugs the size of your average flasher's equipment (yellow, flaccid and slimy) And we're pretty damn selfish about sharing territory with foreigners who want to invade. Shoo.

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  26. Hey Murr! So even the slugs are getting some? Man, I've been single for five years and haven't had a sniff of interest. I must be doing something wrong. Roth x

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    1. Study the film, Roth. It's all there for you.

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  27. Ah jeez you didn't have to be so graphic about it. Now I know why they call it Pornland down there. :-)

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    1. I've heard we have more titty bars and fewer churches per capita than any other city.

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  28. I popped over here from Sanna's Blog. Enjoyed your post. I love your writing style and humor. Funny to see that someone else keeps trying Windex too. Unfortunately, it never fully works. Ugh! Good luck with those darn ants. It always amazes me how hugely frustrating those tiny little specks can be! Thanks (I think) for the lesson on the mating slugs. Now, they seem creepier than ever!

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    1. It works EVERY TIME! You just have to keep doing it forever.

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    2. You must have the cleanest ants in all of the U.S. now.

      Personally I use a mixture of sugar and boric acid powder. Toxic to ants but not to humans.

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  29. Slug sex will be the root of America's downfall, mark my words. Next, they'll want to marry and have slug history taught in schools. Even the ants have bought into this political correctness.

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  30. For the first few years after I moved into the current house, I had massive slug problems. It was impossible to walk from the house to the road at night without stepping on slugs everytime my foot came down and the little bastards weren't content to merely slime the yard, they also came inside where I discovered that they loved to eat paper, especially books and drawings that happened to be on the floor. It's now been many years since there have been slugs of any number in my yard. I'm not sure I had anything to do with it, though I did employ a number of methods of bringing their numbers in check. But curiously right around the time I added a slug eater to my menagerie (blue tonguued skink), the slugs disappeared.

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    1. Wait. You had slugs IN THE HOUSE? I'd have brought in a goose.

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  31. Like your slugfeat tale. You're low in slugs? Want some of ours? Don't know if Canadian slugs need passports.

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  32. I think you need to put a warning on this blog. If I'd known I was going to be exposed to slug erotica, I'd have worn my raincoat. Hopefully the ants are working.

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  33. I'll add my LOL to the host of others. Great post.

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  34. Thanks to you, I have a new-found appreciation for slugs. I may just have to watch the video a few more times, to.. you know... really fully appreciate...uh, slugs.

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  35. Wonderful post. Watching them slugging it out was quite illuminating.
    The bedbug clip did remind me of a poem.
    There once was a man named von Stencil
    Whose dick was sharp as a pencil
    On the night of his wedding
    It went though the bedding
    And punctured the chamber utensil

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    1. I'll buy all of it, except the idea that there ever was a man named von Stencil.

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  36. Where do you go to shop for frog clothes?

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    1. Oh, you know. The Mall for the Night Visitors.

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