Saturday, February 11, 2012

Whatever Could The "C" Stand For?

I’m not the expert. I could be a candidate for the show “What Not To Wear” based on my underpants alone. I don’t like my underpants and they don’t do anything for anybody else either. I even wear them inside-out to keep the seams and poky bits on the outside, which really seals the deal, aesthetically. But when I saw the new C-string, I found myself asking, “what is the point of underpants, anyway?” Not the new ones—the point of them is obviously right there up the ass, but what is the point of underwear in general?

The C-string is designed for women who find the thong too dowdy. Referring to it as underpants is like calling Roast Bacterium an entrée. It is an attempt to reduce the underwear to its most essential part. If you wanted a more minimalist approach, you could just knit your pubic hair in place.

It’s sproingy, I assume. It snaps right into position, like some kind of crotch caliper. I’m not one to judge, but it seems to me we’re heading down a narrow path to a dark place here. Any underwear that needs to be tucked behind a hemorrhoid to keep it from going astray has a downside. I’m assuming the C-string shares some of the same technology with the underwire bra. And the underwire has a habit of working its way out, leading to sudden perforation, unexplained yelping, that sort of thing. If the same thing were to occur in the underpants zone, I would sooner admit to episodic Tourette’s than own up.

I did make an effort at modernity once. My friend Gina’s daughter had bought her a thong and she instantly passed it on to me. “It’s clean,” she said. “I only had it on for five seconds. You try it.” In spite of the warning implied, I put it on, found the hand-mirror, checked out the rear view, somebody screamed, and then the thong completely disappeared, leaving behind only a sensation I had not experienced since we got rid of the bad toilet paper.

Enthusiasts of the C-string appreciate the lack of panty lines, which—they point out—even afflict thong-wearers. But any attempt to avoid the rear-view visible thong misses the entire point of it, which is to draw attention to a negotiable area of the anatomy in order to strike a deal. “I’ve got something in my pants,” the thong says, pointing, “that you might want to take a look at, and it will only cost you dinner and drinks.” The crotch-caliper goes at the same transaction even more directly: “I already am willing to plant a stick up my ass. What else might I be willing to do?”

On its face, I distrust underwear with a lot of engineering in them. I might make an exception for an edible chastity belt that required suitors to earn their way in. Otherwise, keep it simple.

Men’s underwear, if anything, is even odder. The briefs do seem to offer something in the way of support or confinement or hiding-away. I don’t have anything flapping around in that area, so I don't know if perhaps a certain swaddling is a comfort. But boxers don’t seem to have any function at all. Boxers are the towel on the parakeet cage. Just something to throw over the occupants to settle them down. They’re there to let the wearer know there are even larger pants on the way. They’re like a training tool for the junk-whisperer: here’s a tiny, lightweight pair of pants, they say. Are we all right? Good? Okay now. Let’s try something a little bigger. Their main function is as a first-responder in a crisis flatulence situation.

Back in the day, it was popular to have underwear emblazoned with the days of the week. I can tell from my vitamin-dispenser that that wouldn’t work out well now. At some point I’d be wearing Tuesday and Wednesday at the same time to catch up. There really isn’t much of a point to underwear at my stage in life. Mostly it’s there to fend off the trouser seam when I bend over. With a long enough skirt, I know a way to get panty lines to plumb disappear.





146 comments:

  1. I'm of an age that saw me spend years and no small sum on underwear that didn't disappear and then along comes Rudi Wotsisname with his thong.At that time several people said:'Where will this end?'
    Now we know.

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  2. First of all, please remove the picture of me from your blog. Second of all, am I the only person who thinks that it looks like someone drew on that c-string in paint? Thanks for the laugh Murr...this post cracked me up.

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  3. Sorry, I just have to repeat this: "you could knit your pubic hair in place". You come up with the best imagery...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wish some of my imagery would just stay unimagined.

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  4. Dammit, where did I put that Preparation H?

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    1. Most people know exactly where they put it. You ARE forgetful.

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  5. It is WAY to early in the morning to be laughing this hard...I haven't even had coffee.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have to have coffee before I can operate these machines.

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  6. "It seems to me we're heading down a narrow path to a dark place here." Ah, yes, a slippery slope, indeed.



    How I love Wednesday and Saturday mornings. Thank you, Murr.

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  7. I look at "inventions" like this and think, "someone had too much time on her hands." I never felt that panty lines were a problem, and I thought the thong was stupid (not to mention the pads that were designed for thong wearers).

    But then, I grew up in an era when a lady wore skirts, not too tight, and no one commented about her underwear. Not even in a women's dormitory. Naturally, we never commented about what went under the panties either.

    But you sure write funny posts!

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    1. Oh my. I do not know about the pads designed for thong wearers. Those giant overnight ones must look like a mattress strapped to the top of a car.

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  8. I still have some boxer underwear but I only use them for shorts in the summer. Wearing clothes under your clothes is only necessary if it is very cold.
    I hear there is a particular religion that wears under-underwear, then underwear, then what you see. I guess the more layers you wear the more devout you are. Strange.
    Since I am a kilt wearer you know what I wear and it really is no ones business but mine.
    Underwear is a solution pushed by the clothing industry looking for a problem. What a scam.
    My bride calls thongs "butt floss".
    Good post.

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    1. Ah yes. I have frequently found myself wondering if Mitt wears an angel suit. And if he will ever accidentally tweet himself in it.

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  9. Thanks for the heads up about something else I won't ever buy!
    I wonder if the C-string and the thong were designed by men!? Do women design these kinds of things?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Women do all sorts of odd things. I wouldn't put it past us.

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  10. Evidently it is necessary for wearers of the c-string to pour hot wax on their nethers, let it harden, then rip it, and all body hair off. At this point, it becomes more of a psychological then a sartorial problem. How far are you willing to go for style?

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    1. I've often wondered what happens to all the pulled-off furry wax. Seems like a pretty cool art project could be made of it. Or maybe house insulation.

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    2. Um, Murr, you "often" wonder about this?

      Girl, your mind works in strange and mysterious ways.

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  11. Reply to Roxie: Whoa!!! Not that far! And the Brazilian wax procedure---no thanks...
    Funny post-where DO you find these things to write about?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know if Dave Barry and I have anything else in common, but I'm getting Alert Readers now!

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  12. Do you know, it's not only the girls of that generation who remove pubic hair, the boys do, too. I have had to make my 20 year old son buy his own disposable razors and stop using mine.

    As my father so eloquently said, "Kids these days."

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    Replies
    1. Oh please. Just the thought. If I ever decided to do any shaping, it would be like trimming a deciduous hedge in the winter. TMI?

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  13. First of all, I don't get the concept of thongs. It looks like someone is flossing their butt. Also? How can you wear jeans? Won't they chafe your buttocks if there is no underwear in between? Questions like these keep me awake nights.

    Now this...whatever...that you showed us - what? Really? I agree that having something poking up your ass is a bad idea, although I swear I've met a lot of people lately who ACT like they are wearing this contraption. Actually, that could explain a lot.

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    1. Now I'm wondering if they come in sizes. The model is wearing one that pokes up above her ass, but surely there are women for whom the rear portion would be...more securely anchored.

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  14. Maybe these things have a hidden purpose. Maybe they're like the intrauterine devices that no one knows how they work. Perhaps they're sending signals to a mother pant.

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    Replies
    1. I feel more secure just thinking there is a mother pant.

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  15. Can't wait for the C-string to show up on a Walmartian. BTW, boxers are pretty good protection against the seams and stuff in pockets and miscellaneous protrusions found inside of men's pants.

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    Replies
    1. I can't believe I never heard or thought of a "Walmartian."

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    2. I can't believe you let Mr. Charleston get away with mentioning "miscellaneous protrusions found inside of men's pants." But I suppose sometimes it's like shooting fish in a barrel, huh?

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    3. Well, I like the idea that men need protection against their own protrusions.

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    4. Now, now ladies. Besides, I 'm not sure I should take advice, or criticism, about protrusions from someone who is unfamiliar with such protrusions as offered by Walmartians.

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  16. They appear to me to be a sort of non-organic fig leaf with a stiff stem. I mean if you think about it, Adam and Eve had to keep those things on somehow. Just getting back to "fundamental" basics, methinks.

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    Replies
    1. Maybe the fig leaf just grew there? In the, uh, personal soil?

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  17. Better than the funny papers for a morning chuckle. So, if we don't want panty lines, why do we bother with them? Going commando seems to work for the guys. Well, those who don't need a junk-whisperer, that is.

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    1. Interestingly enough, I've read that men prefer panty lines. It jump-starts the imagination.

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  18. I did not believe that was a real product at first. I guess if you are a tight wearing celebrity and are tired of the paparazzi getting camel-toe shots, this is the product for you.

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    Replies
    1. Even looking at a camel-toe makes me squeamy.

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  19. I never say I'm laughing out loud when I'm not, Murr, but the whole thing about the boxers had me cracking up. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What? You're not a promiscuous LOLer? Modern up, girl.

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  20. Wouldn't pasties be a more "fitting" top component of the c-string bikini?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think we could cover the whole subject with a little plaster-of-paris.

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  21. First of all, as one whose sexuality emerged (as we said then) during the late 60's/early 70's, I have a fair amount of experience with going without underwear. There was all the chafing, but we pretended it made us feel sexy.
    Second of all, "miscellaneous protrusions found inside of men's pants"----should have been Murr's line.

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    Replies
    1. True. I wore a patched pair of tight jeans with no underwear for a few years, and didn't like to do laundry. I don't like to think about that now.

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  22. if this came with... ummm.... "mounting hardware". you know... something that might hide a little inside, and perhaps require a battery or two? THAT would make a day full of meetings far more pleasant. well. at least for me...

    i was smiling along with your well-chosen words. but when i got to the comparison of boxer shorts to a towel over the parakeet cage, i straight up snorted! thank you!

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    Replies
    1. Oo I like the mounting hardware idea. Maybe it could have a ring tone too. William Tell Overture?

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  23. That is one scary-looking piece of nether-region-invading equipment. And what does the "C" stand for?

    First responders to a crisis flatulence situation? So glad I wasn't drinking any beverages when I read that one. This post wins best laugh of the week.

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    1. For the record, the manufacturers say the C stands for the shape of the thing. Sure it does!

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  24. Dang, Murr, you made me hurt myself laughing! I'm still wiping away the tears. That thing looks like a grievous injury searching for a place to happen, and I'm much too fond of certain parts of my anatomy to take that kind of risk.

    And what happens if the spring tension is off? Make a wrong move, and wham! Hard to explain when it flies across the room and embeds itself in the birthday cake. "Oh, um... that's a... a... it's an earmuff for people with one ear... I was just keeping it warm for a friend..."

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    Replies
    1. I KNOW! It looks like a grievous injury that knows exactly what place to happen.

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  25. I asked my doctor if at my age I should wear boxers or shorts and he said "Depends".
    Crotch calipers, butt floss and snatch patches are all signs of global warming.

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    1. I think everything is a sign of global warming, but I'm a Democrat.

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  26. This is almost getting too raunchily fetishistic for me. I'm weak when it comes to such realms as women's nether garments. Oh hell, they turn me on, I'll confess. But truly, regarding this thing which I think is more of a device than a garment, why not just go commando and be honest about it?
    As for men's underpants, very much a briefs guy. Boxers are, as you suggested, pointless because they don't do any job I want them to.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Mmm Mmm mmmm--what some people won't write about to get 51, or make that 52 comments.
    Mmmm mmmm (please say aloud in an elderly maiden aunt sort of voice).

    Frankly, I thought underwear were there to make it possible to wear your jeans for weeks on end.
    Oh, and also to protect you against rampant zippers grabbing stray hairs.

    I think I will do with the C the same thing I dod with the thong--fuhgeddaboutit!

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    1. Good for you, for snatching the high ground.

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  28. Wow, this is encouraging! I thought the function of men's briefs and boxers was an open secret, but apparently not. We'll leave it shrouded in mystery, then.

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    Replies
    1. A little mystery is good in a relationship, and sometimes a lot of mystery is even better.

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  29. Oh-fer-cryin-out-loud. I couldn't believe this; I just had to Google it to be sure. And six or eight people had posted testimonials swearing that the thing is comfortable. I think its best use is as fodder for one VERY funny post!

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  30. FWIW, a friend of mine has referred to thongs a "butt floss" - which means that this contraption is, perhaps, "butt orthodonture"?

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    Replies
    1. You know, I got suspicious whenever my dentist got anywhere near there.

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    2. [Let me apologize in advance, "sorry"]

      Having said that, it certainly wouldn't be butt orthodonture, but rather, braces for vagina dentata.

      [Yup, 'google' that one, too. Another thing that not-even-Murr could make up.]

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  31. Eeeeuw and aaaargh. I cannot C any way that this could be comfortable. And I shudder to think what would happen if it started to ride up.

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    1. You remind me of the way we had to reposition our belt-and-napkin combo by backing surreptitiously into the corner of a desk.

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    2. Oh dear god I remember that. Now, young people think a sanitary belt is a drink from a clean glass.

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    3. The mattress-on-strings suspension system was bad, but it was the little clippy thing with the teeth that bothered me most about those belts. Guaranteed to bite you in a super-sensitive spot just when you least expected it. See Murr's comment about Tourette's...

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  32. I will never forget the ignominy of entering a large public dressing room (I had a baby in a shopping cart and we wouldn't fit anywhere else) to find two twenty-somethings giggling and trying on clothes. Both were wearing thongs. Needless to say, I was not. And I had never seen a thong in practice, much less in theory. I snuck sidelong glances, trying to figure out the advantage of having one's fanny flapping around in what appeared to be buttfloss. Thanks, but I'll take granny panties any time, Eeeeew. And the C-patch? Eeeew squared. And dangerous. You couldn't do the things I do all day wearing something that's liable to give you an intestinal perforation with one wrong move. Kids these days!

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    Replies
    1. On the other hand, it might give your birdies a place to land.

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  33. The joy of being of middling years is that things like this bounce off the bubble of one's reality and get vapourised into nothingness. They aren't even anti-matter, they just don't matter. Now the gals at the old gym I used to go to will likely show up in one of these gizmos because they were engaged in some heavy duty underwear wars there. They were bethonged, scooped up and upheld in gravity defying breasticle contraptions, even when they were past their best-by date and should have conceded the field with grace. Happily none of this goes on at the good old Y where we haul on our bumbags and our sensible shoes.

    Oldfool: my godfather was approached by a woman who coyly asked him if it was true about what Scotsmen wear under their kilts. "Gie us yer hand, I'm a man 'o few words"

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    1. I consider my underwear proof positive I'm not messing around.

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    2. I know what men wear under their utili-kilts. Usually, Birkenstocks.

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  34. Read this blog for the sheer joy of it,this one====you have almost surpassed yourself,I am wordless with admiration.

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  35. I liked the "booty shorts" better. Same manufacturer, better...ah...presentation, by far.

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    Replies
    1. Well, it all kinda depends on what you're presenting, I think.

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  36. I'm just happy to know I'm not the only one who wears my underwear inside out to avoid the seams. Men's underwear is made seamless these days; how come we can't get that same perk?

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  37. Cranky, the 'C' stands for cranky which I would be if I had this thing clamped to my crotch. Crotch Caliper.... perfect :}

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  38. I'm so behind. I didn't know that there was such a thing as a C-string. I do appreciate this enlightening post. You are an excellent teacher; you know how to make learning fun. LOL over and over again!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh well, Sheria, it's not me, you have to have good material. And not all that much of it, sometimes.

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  39. First of all, I REALLY thought you were making this "C string" up in your imagination. But I checked and, lo and behold, it is real!!
    https://www.cstringdirect.com/product.php
    And $24 for something with less fabric than 3 sheets of toilet paper! I think going totally panty-less would be more comfortable.
    I never got the g-string and definitely do not get this!

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    1. The used ones aren't really flying off the racks at Goodwill, either.

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  40. Dang, Murr. This one had my sweetie and me in hysterics.

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    Replies
    1. Ex-cel-lent. [tapping fingertips together]

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  41. Sheria, please tell me that you were "cracking" a joke when you said "I'm so behind."

    -Pseudo

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  42. Hey Murr! This made me laugh in an inappropriate way for The Day Of Rest.

    “I already am willing to plant a stick up my ass. What else might I be willing to do?”

    Priceless. Thank you. Indigo x

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  43. Murr, you rock. As a post-menopausal woman, I sincerely appreciate something that looks like a urine-trapping device. I can wear it with my big white panties and my pajama jeans.

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    Replies
    1. Let's start a new thing! Pleated panties. That'll give us all sorts of room.

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  44. I gotta say, Murr, I wonder where you come up with some of the things you write about. I still wear grandma underpants, and happy to do so. That new thong would stretch out and become more of a flat line than a C, U or even a V.

    This contraption was clearly engineered by a man who wants women's underwear that's easily removed, quickly....a happy coincidence for the ner-do-well stalker/rapist down the street.

    No thanks.

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    Replies
    1. As opposed to the well-intentioned stalker or rapist?

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  45. Such a wonderful piece of writing. I had happy tears in my eyes shortly after I started reading and was near hysterical reading about your take on boxers. So apt, so true, SO funny!

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  46. Oh, my, gosh- but it's not new, I promise! In Florida we saw bikinis with "bottoms" of this stuff in 1985. The clerk told us most earnestly that they really did sell, a few. She even urged us to try them out in the dressing room, but to be very careful when "placing" the uh, back-piece as the metal is very springy. Careless work could give one a bad slap-bruise, according to her.

    Go figure....

    Tiffin, I told my kilt-wearer your story, and he says thanks, that now he's got two- including his about Angus in the park.

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    Replies
    1. Gosh. Seems to me if you try one on, you've pretty much bought it.

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  47. Murr, my dear, you have a chapter for a book right here. All you need is permission from everyone house their comments.

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    1. I don't know what it says about us that this post has gotten more comments than any other, but I don't think it's good.

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  48. Don't like 'em and don't understand 'em. Even now I am preparing a bumper sticker: Down with C String!

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  49. I was on a.cruise last year and a GUY was wearing a similar contraption in order to tan most everything. I was perplexed. A) because it just made me want to scream "Really!!?." B) because he really needed to cover some of that shit up with clothes and C) I couldn't figure out the logistics of it staying in place!

    Sproingy.
    I should have known!!!
    :-)

    Great post!

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    Replies
    1. They do make them for men. Every time I googled it I blacked out.

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  50. Murrmurrs, this one takes the cake! I am sitting here at my computer laughing my panties off! I cannot believe these things! OMG. You are such a good writer and you put it all so succinctly. I cannot even imagine who would want to wear these things. Like you, I can only say; "If you are going to wear this thing, why wear anything at all!" It all seems so pointless at this point!

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    1. Seems to me if I can get people to laugh their panties off, I can make some real money. Not necessarily in this business.

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  51. http://thestir.cafemom.com/beauty_style/131906/gstring_wedding_dress_is_anything?utm_medium=sem2&utm_campaign=outbrain&utm_source=outbrain&utm_content=outbrain&quick_picks=1

    Did you see this one?

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  52. Your are so delightfully demented and this has got to be a personal best. My screaming laughter has the cat hiding under the bed. You, Ms. Murr, are a national treasure.

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  53. Frankly, I've always been a fan of 'granny panties' even before I was a granny. The idea of something stuck up my butt turns me off. And the idea that my apparatus might "spring" and bounce across the room in the business meeting while I'm setting up a PowerPoint presentation just leaves me cold.

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    1. If you can't tuck your panties under your bra, which gets easier and easier as time goes on, you're wearing the wrong kind.

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  54. I almost spit out my coffee when I read the "knit your pubic hair in place". My day is complete now lol!

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    1. Sadly, not an option for me. I'm running out of yarn.

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  55. Sorry, Murr, I can't write anything right now...still too weak from rolling around on the floor in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

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    1. Under the circumstances, your typing skills are amazing.

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  56. Towel over the parakeet cage - ahahahahahahaha

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  57. "Interesting" read, Murr.

    Male Bear makes no further comment.

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  58. Well, let's be completely accurate here. That is no string. In fact, it looks suspiciously like a pad. A pad with a sick on the end. Closer to a lollipop than a string.
    In any event.....I can see the future, having recently purchased very large packages of "Poise" (for my mother, I swear!), these will eventually be pads on the end of sticks. How convenient when one is unable to wiggle a fanny out of a skin-tight garment in order to attend to one's, er, business. (I claim patent rights!)

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    1. Man, I would hope by that time, we'd all be too old to wear skin-tight garments. I plan on mine being so baggy I could host a midget convention with nobody the wiser.

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  59. Murr, rolling here. Will you marry me?

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  60. I came to your blog via Kimberly Cockrill [Fragrant Liar] & Jayne Martin [Jaynes World]. And man I'm sure glad I did. HOLY HILARIOUS. I cannot stop laughing.

    "you could knit your pubic hair in place". Maybe the funniest sentence EVER.

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  61. All you listen now and C here:
    C it hides all that needs to be hidden.
    C it hurts nothing.
    C that it is safe.
    C that it looks damn good.
    C that I can have nothing to do with it.
    C that I am do old.
    C that it is good.
    C that "knit your pubic hair in place" is a very good option.
    Tonto call central control now!

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  62. This must be one of the funniest posts EVER! I'd rather go without, thank you.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You don't mean "go without funny posts." Right?

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  63. In tears reading this! You are the BEST blogger ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  64. Oh my goodness. I loved this post so much I read it three times. Hilarious!! Found you via Clay Baboons! :)

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  65. Holy hell, but you are funny. This is not a new sentiment, I see. But really. This?

    "If you wanted a more minimalist approach, you could just knit your pubic hair in place."

    Bahahahaahaha.

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    Replies
    1. Shoot, I just wish I didn't visualize these damn things.

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  66. This post made my day. "...like some kind of crotch caliper." Found you via Clay Baboons, and glad I did. (Im the author of www.candyforbfast.com, was on the same list as you)

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  67. Thank you for making me choke on my Coke Zero while I read this. It went up my nose, which was absolutely delightful. Although it MAY have been the paint fumes! The kitchen cabinets are almost finished.

    :D

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  68. Thank you for the many, many laughs in this post. This product is so ridiculous, I'm sure they'll sell like hotcakes.

    I'm with you on the underwear debate - inside out and big and comfy. When the thong first came out, my cousin said she just couldn't figure out which side of her hemorrhoid to put the string around, and I naturally think of preparation H every time I see a thong, which, thankfully is not often.

    Thanks again for making me laugh. And maybe the C stand for callipygian, one of my most favorite words, which means, essentially beautiful butt. I think they'd look better without the wire sticking out of them. :)

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  69. You're very welcome, Mel! As it happens, one of my favorite words is "steatopygian."

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    Replies
    1. Had to look that one up, and again, thanks for the laugh! I'll add that word to my favorite list.

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