Wednesday, February 8, 2012

PootieFact

Introducing PootieFact, an occasional feature in which our roving reporter Pootie seeks to separate the factual from the fatuous. Our first guest, Mr. Newt Gingrich, has kindly consented to be interviewed in the interest of affordable publicity.


In this election year, many are asking why Americans should trust the Republican Party with our economic recovery when it is the Republican principles of deregulation and tax reduction that got us into trouble in the first place.


The problem here, little dog, is that the deregulation and tax reduction have not been tried long and hard enough. Americans want a president with a firm grasp on our rising fortunes. And that president will be a Republican. Every one of us knew Obama's state of the union speech was pathetic, even before he delivered it. That's the kind of vision we need.

Obama has come under fire from Republicans for saying things could be worse. Should he have said things couldn't be worse? It sounds like there's no way he can do anything right.


Correct.

You, yourself, have referred to Barack Obama on several occasions as the "food stamp president." Many have seen this as thinly veiled code language directed at a racist audience. Do you have a comment?


That is as close to despicable as anything I can think of. That is an abomination. That is a fabrication of the lint-headed media.

Hey, now.


Listen. This racism thing is just another trumped-up charge meant to distract us from the big issues of the day. I have always said that the president is surprisingly articulate. But he is a major playa on the world stage and we cannot afford to have a man in that position making one jigabooboo after another. And you can quote me on that.

Others have pronounced you morally unfit to lead because of your serial infidelities. How do you react to that?


I'll tell you how I react to that. I react to that, which is even closer to despicable than the other thing, with the kind of barely controlled, manly outrage Americans like to see in a leader who will have to stand up to terrorists and liberals. Do you want a president who is so maritally passive as to stick to one thing even when it's not working? I don't, and I don't think America does either.

How about accusing Obama of not being an American?


Listen. I've always said he should just show us his birth certificate. End of story.

But he did show his birth certificate.


If I had been president, I would have showed it harder. I would have thrust it.

Let's move on.


Hey, now.

I see here you are proposing a base on the moon.


I am proposing a permanent Chinaman-free station on the moon, a showcase of American technology and a model for new resource depletion, manned by Cuban friends I will reach out to, and a couple of Jews, with a staff of little colored boys sweeping up.

It sounds prohibitively expensive.


On the contrary. All we need to do is jump-start the American entrepreneurial spirit and pay for the whole thing by raffling off prizes. IPads, hoodies, Starbucks gift certificates. Done.

Still, it is no coincidence that you made this proposal on the Space Coast in Florida, which is reeling from a loss of jobs. If you have similar proposals for the other states, that can start to add up.


Not necessarily. Our potato-based Aryan Monument in Idaho, 4 electoral votes, excites people, while remaining quite reasonable.

Do you have anything in mind for us here in Oregon?


Oregon. What kind of people do you have out there, again? White, mostly? Some Russians?

I don't see how that--yes. Pretty much.


Oregonians know what's best for them. What Oregonians need is for the federal government to get out of their way. We remove job-killing regulation and you can clear-cut your way to a new golf tourism economy.

Actually, we do miss the timber jobs, but we're still fond of our forests. We were thinking more along the lines of an artisanal toothpick factory. But we're pretty self-sufficient. There's not much we need. You could come down to the root cellar and rotate the canned peaches, maybe.


Consider them spun.

Michele Bachmann accused Barack Obama of going all over the world apologizing for America. Do you agree with her?


I do, and when I'm president, I will stand erect for America. The one time Obama should have apologized, he didn't. The Environmentalist-Wacko-In-Chief, in an unconscionable display of hypocrisy, refused to apologize to India for soiling her ocean with dead terrorist.

Surely you are not suggesting that the environment is not worthy of protection.


I am not. We have come very far in the protection of environmental degraders. In the last year alone, we have created hundreds of jobs on Madison Avenue and sunk millions of dollars into the rebranding of Coal.

What are we calling it now?


"Clean Coal."

But there are those who say that this does nothing to forestall a critical warming of the planet.  Do you not believe that human-caused climate change is occurring? A vast majority of climate scientists do.


And it is an unwise president who does not seek out dissenting opinion no matter how expedient or mercenary and give it equal weight. I will not be that kind of president. I will exercise due belligerence in every decision.

But they are saying that in another fifty years, America will suffer extremes of climate unmatched anywhere else on earth.


U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!







52 comments:

  1. Pootie: the new Wolf Blitzer

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  2. Why does Pootie not have his own cable show? He looks almost as old as Larry King (in a good way Pootie).

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    1. He does have a bald spot, but we thought he was just emulating his hero, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

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  3. Oh! Send the Pooter down here! I have 3 (yes, three!) elections to deal with.
    Local, State and Federal.Drowning in crap, I tell you.

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    1. Quick, turn off your TV. That's how it leaks into the house.

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  4. Pootie asks the hard questions and Newt does the dance of the politically unstable. What a hoot.

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    1. We called it off just before he started asking if Newt had any M&Ms.

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  5. Poor Pootie. Probably needs a good dry-cleaning now, having been so close to the Great Uncleanliness of the Human Hand Grenade himself.

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    1. We could make a pretty good case that he needs some cleaning most of the time.

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  6. Please don't let Pootie interview Santorum. You'd just have to put him into the washing machine afterwards.

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    1. And he hates that, except for the spin cycle.

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  7. I am impressed by Pootie's dapper and professional attire. Where does one get trousers adapted to a tail? After all, "The clothes make the manuscript."

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    1. Pootie has more clothes than I do. I regret ever co-signing for his credit card.

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  8. This was a brilliant interview - but oh the cuteness of his little notebook. I had a hard time concentrating on all the words after I saw it :)

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  9. I always want to ask Eft, are you the same Gingrich who thought Bill Clinton should be impeached for his extra-marital adventures? And I would refer him to Wouldn't It Be Nice?, if I thought he could read it.

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    1. And while we're on the subject of Efts, I would like to express my profound irritation at Mr. G for sullying the name of the most noble creature on earth.

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  10. Wonderful interview. I am wondering if we can have a follow-up with the possible First Lady Callista. I bet Pootie has a lot of questions to ask her.

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    1. God, she'd have to be at least the Third Lady.

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  11. Pootie got as much "truthiness" out of Newt as anybody ever has. Maybe, it's the clothes, because I am impressed with such interviewing skills. Those hands don't really look like Newt's soft, pudgy, never-done-an-honest-day's-work hands, though.

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  12. There might have been a hard-working, single-suited stand-in while Newt went potty.

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  13. I'm impressed that Newt can still stand 'erect' for America, and no doubt a victory for Cialis.
    Otherwise, I'll be quite prepared to take this as gospel.

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    1. At this moment, Mr. Gingrich's polls are going down.

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    2. Thank goodness I've learned not to read while drinking ANYthing! We call him the Serial Adulterer 'round here.

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    3. He likes to think he puts the "adult" in...oh, never mind.

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  14. Ouch. Thank you Pootie for revealing that our scared forebodings were fairly accurate. We could do with him down here interviewing Mr Budgie Smuggling Abbot. Or perhaps not. I think Pootie should live.

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    1. Sweetheart. We can't just be flinging out words like Mr. Budgie Smuggling Abbot and not explaining ourselves.

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    2. Mr Abbot is the leader of our opposition and sees himself as not only our next Prime Minister, but as a man who should be our current Prime Minister. He has the nasty, nasty habit of not only wearing budgie smugglers (Speedos to the uninitiated) but being photographed in same. I am going away to be sick now.

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    3. Budgie smugglers. I learn so much from you.

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  15. Good that you got the phrase "exercise due belligerence" out of the cheat. What a Republican kind of thought! Well done, Pootie!

    Associated Press needs you on Capital Hill!

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    1. We all hate the humidity, but maybe a drive-by Pooting can be arranged...

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  16. This has to be one of your best posts ever. "Jiggabooboo" totally cracked me up. Not exactly PC, but funny, and just the kind of word Newt would use if he could get away with it.

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    1. There's no evidence he doesn't think he can get away with anything.

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  17. Never mind the Pootie-size notebook, what about the Pootie-size chair?!

    Surely to goodness even dyed-in-the-wool far-to-right I-just-do-what-Jesus-tells-me Republicans with even half a brain can see through the Nootster? Then again, maybe not. He's awfully dense matter.

    Sorry about all the hyphens, Murr. Your post brought out the excitable hyphenator in me.

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    1. I am a hyphenating phool. I can't bring myself to use a clause as a modifier without them. You make me feel better about it.

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  18. Am I the only person who calls him "Newtie-Fruitie"?

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  19. I have nothing to add to this conversation. Anyone who treats "the Newt" this way should be ashamed of themselves. After all, any man who can kill two wives and make the other look like she's eating a lemon must have something going for them.

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    1. We are ashamed, since you put it that way.

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  20. Much needed giggles! Thank you Pootie!

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  21. Well, what an interesting interview. I laughed so hard.

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  22. Just when I thought this blog couldn't get any better....

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    1. I'm almost certain it can get better than THIS.

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  23. Enjoyed the interview. Some wonderful expressions kind of slid in sideways. Santorum next or Ron Paul?

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    1. Well, the Poot needs to wash up. But as for Mr. Santorum, I refer you to a few weeks ago.

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  24. "artisanal toothpick factory" --- very cool. I haven't met Pootie before. Very nice interview.

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