Wednesday, September 28, 2011

What's That In Your Pants?

I hate bananas. There, I said it.

I didn't used to hate bananas. They weren't anything special, but they were easy to peel and dispatch, and easy goes a long way in my book. They're high in potassium. You jam one in the top end, and you ward off foot cramps at the bottom. As long as they stayed out of Jell-O, they were okay. But after a few decades of bananas, I began to realize I didn't like them very much. It took another decade to realize I could just stop eating them. Same thing happened with pot; I'm a slow study.

Then I heard a couple things on NPR that really sealed the deal for me. They said the bananas of my youth had given way to an inferior variety, mealier, drier, and less tasty, because the original kind got buggy or blighty or hard to box up or something. So I wasn't making it up: bananas are worse than they used to be. The second thing was a statement made to the effect that enlightened American consumers don't buy bananas. This is because bananas have to be shipped from somewhere else in the world, and thus incur a cost to the planet of fossil-fuel use. Thoughtful consumers try to buy closer to home.

That meant I could now embrace my bananaban with a light heart and a sweet whiff of righteousness. Here was a policy that felt right to my core, in a way that taking short showers with a puny water flow just doesn't.

This is the sort of thing liberals are required to think about. We can't stop thinking about it. Even carnivorous liberals have to think about their hamburgers at the picnic: was the cow contented? Was she fed antibiotics that get into the ecosystem and lower their effectiveness against emerging bacteria that will now rampage through our population with newer and deadlier infections we will be helpless to thwart? Was the bun made from wheat from a farm using unnatural fertilizers that seep into the Mississippi and create a massive dead zone at the delta that will not recover in a zillion years? This is why liberals are no fun at parties. This, and the tofu dip. And this is why liberals wear loud shirts and sandals and assemble their remaining hairs in ponytails the size of noodles, because they want to feel like children, since they can't stop thinking like adults. And conservatives show up at the picnic dressed like adults, with their minds as delightfully uncluttered as a child's, survey the situation and think: cool. More hamburgers for me.

I got to thinking about bananas the other day because I read somewhere that they are an effective remedy for  hemorrhoids, and glad to hear it. That's pretty close to my best-case scenario for banana placement anyway. I guess you're supposed to apply just the peeled skin to the afflicted tissues, however. It wasn't what I was visualizing, but at least this way it doesn't ruin the trouser line.

40 comments:

  1. Most brilliant analysis of the difference between liberals and conservatives!

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  2. All this time, I was blaming some kind of social anxiety gene or some other involuntary disorder for my dudliness at cocktail parties and it's nothing more than my chosen politics. Huge gift, Murr! I owe ya.

    I'd heard about the banana bait and switch. Every single piece of fruit in the grocery store has its own ID sticker and Social Security number now, but they ran a whole 'nother breed of banana in on us without so much as a by-your-leave. That's not right. Hell, that's not even wrong.

    And this new imposter carries a fruit fly, Drosophila melanogaster, to which I've developed an IgE-mediated allergy with immediate type skin reactions and positive RAST results. Fodder for conversation at my next cocktail party.

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  3. Hold on....I'm trying to get those few stray wisps on my husbands head into a ponytail. There we go. Pass the hamburgers please.

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  4. So if I stop buying bananas (which are only fit to eat for about 12 minutes of their ripening cycle) do I get some kind of eco-credit, like the corporations get for not polluting, that I can trade for a bigger beef ration?

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  5. Aw Geeze. I was just learning to eat them. My husband says there is a 20 minute window when I consider them edible, but I was making progress. Now maybe I can stop trying!

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  6. No! Bananas can cause constipation (that's why they are prescribed for children with diarrhea), and constipation can cause hemorrhoids.

    That's my PSA for today. Although, really, I'm just full of helpful advice lately.

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  7. Love your descriptions of liberals and conservatives--perfect! You always make me howl with laughter, thereby contributing to the length of my life--you're such a humanitarian!

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  8. I always suffer a little embarrassment when I read your posts because they are so brilliant, and then I read your comments, and I cannot possibly top them, or even come close to their cleverness, so I'm just gonna say it: I knew I was a liberal before I read this post, but now I'm sure the whole world knows it, too. Ya got me! :-)

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  9. Roxie sez
    It's the texture I object to. That, and the taste. But the packaging is quite clever, and such a cheery color.

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  10. I love bananas and I refuse to give them up just because they have to be shipped from Timbuctoo. Surely if we gave up every food that was environmentally dubious, we'd be (a) starving to death and (b) miserable as sin.

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  11. Time flies like an arrow.
    Fruit flies like bananas.

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  12. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... Sweet jesus of the banana plantations.

    I knew that something had happened to those damn things. AND then, I started buying the orgasmic ones and the freakers wouldn't ripen. (oh wait--did I type orgasmic?? I meant organic. lmao)

    And I knew what my problem was, for a long time. And I do calculate my carbon hoofprint and consider it, but really, sometimes you just have to have a kiwi. That's because I'm a flippin' AMERICAN...and I can usually always do whatever I want to, no matter what.

    I noticed the difference in bananas right after the first time I heard..Is that a banana in your pocket??- Or are ya just glad to see me?
    It's been all downhill from there.

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  13. My husband likes a banana on his Cheerios every morning, but what can I say? He's a misguided Republican. Best thing I can say about those gotta-eat-em-quick boogers is this: banana bread. With walnuts and peanut butter.

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  14. Murr,

    That meant I could now embrace my bananaban with a light heart and a sweet whiff of righteousness. Here was a policy that felt right to my core, in a way that taking short showers with a puny water flow just doesn't.

    You are hilarious. You could write about anything, and it would be entertaining.

    It reminds me of the Douglas Adams statement in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy:

    The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

    intelliwench,

    Most brilliant analysis of the difference between liberals and conservatives!

    I would add, it was a truly brilliant analysis of the difference between banana and other bananas, which is also a very challenging distinction to make.

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  15. You can have my banana when you pry it out of my cold, dead hand.

    I am a bit anal about buying US grown apples, oranges and grapes, etc. though. Logic isn't my strong suit.

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  16. Oh, Murr.....Gawd, I love ya. Brilliant writing and thinking as usual and more yet.....the photo of you disdaining the banana is heavenly......you are adorable even when you are mean.

    Thank you

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  17. I never met a banana that I didn't like, but I only introduce them at one end of the digestive line. I'm boring like that.

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  18. Oh, Dale--broaden your horizons.

    Steph, Nick, and Akannie: I'm not the kind of liberal who actually thinks about the consequences of things and does things right. I'm the kind who thinks about them and feels a little guilty about it all. Just try to pry me out of my cold, dead shower--wait--that didn't make sense--

    Roxie, you're right on. Now I need to go see Suburban Correspondent's advice. She must know something, if she knows bananas cause constipation no matter which end you stick them in.

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  19. The last banana I can remember eating and enjoying was under a Giffords banana split, and even that would probably have tasted better without the banana sullying the flavors of the ice cream and toppings! As for making banana bread, well...the last time I made some, I noticed that it didn't have a very good banana flavor. Due to poor quality of bananas? Elaine

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  20. Murr,

    Its too late now, but what would have been really entertaining is if you had posted the pictures only, no essay. They do tell a story.

    After people responded to the pictures, probably guessing what it all means, you could make your next post be this post, with the pictures and the essay.

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  21. Murr, you never fail to make me laugh! Coincidentally, I've been inundated with bananas lately (long story), resulting in 12 loaves of banana bread within the last three weeks. If anybody else gives me dead bananas, I'm going to send them here and tell them to follow the directions.

    Also in the category of dubious gifts, I've nominated you for the "Versatile Blogger" award. You probably already have it (and several others to boot), but for what it's worth...

    The explanation is here: http://wp.me/p1qrBV-a3. Feel free to ignore the rules as you see fit. I may joke about the award itself, but I hope you'll accept the sincere compliment behind it.

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  22. In their defense, and this is the only defense I can come up with, they did inspire the packaging for Bananagrams. And I do love me some Bananagrams.

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  23. The liberal:conservative dichotomy alone was well worth the price of admission. Thank you.

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  24. I love the definition of liberals and conservatives as well. But I find that I soothe my liberal guilt much better if I just totally skip the shower one day a week vs. using a meager amount of water every day. That makes sense, right? Bananas I had no strong feelings for, or against, and did not realize the full extent of the political consequences of their presence in my life. Easy liberal decision then. Sings..."Here, we have no bananas......"

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  25. I think I would rather buy bananas from a developing nation than send them foreign aid because they have no markets for their products... that and I can't imagine going more than a few days without making a banana smoothie!

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  26. Being the boring liberal and all (whatever happened to sex, drugs and rock n roll?) I won't go into corporate banana production and the zillions of tons of pesticides it takes to produce the now-died-yellow semblance of fruit that sits on the commercial produce shelf all-the-while poisoning the native populace and squeezing out the other 300-or-so varieties of banana that really are good for you and the environment, no, I won't go into that. What pisses me off is the aptly put Conservative mantra of... good, more for me. Arrrggghh! I'm gonna set a bag of tofu aflame on some Republican's doorstep!

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  27. Bananas with their 20 second window of edibility. Sigh. And yes, you have picked my political leanings (though the names are different here). Sigh. I would like to be inscrutable, not scrutable from afar.

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  28. I've never thought of a conservative's mind as being "delightfully uncluttered." Of course, you are right, and so much nicer than I am.

    Well maybe not. "Sarah Palin's mind is delightfully uncluttered when it comes to historical facts." "Mitt Romney's mind is delightfully uncluttered when it comes to telling the truth." "Rick Perry's mind is delightfully uncluttered by any rational thought."

    Brilliant.

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  29. Who can forget how important the word banana is in "The Name Game"?

    Murr, Murr, bo burr, banana nana mo murr, fee fi fo furr, Murr.

    Heather
    Wayne, PA

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  30. I totally love bananas and I'm not giving them up even if they're shipped up from hell. I think I could safely say they're my favorite food. So I'll cash in the credit I get from not eating meat and be happy with my bananas.

    That is so funny about how liberals dress and the ponytail thing. How can you not love a liberal?

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  31. The nicest banana I have had outside Central America was a teeny tiny one grown, of all places, in Longwood Gardens' greenhouse in Kennett Square, PA. I was watching some workers harvesting bananas from a ladder and when they brought them down they must've seen me drooling because they gave me a couple. And this banana was tiny and had thin, thin skin and it had a citrusy bouquet, a creamy yet friable texture and it was altogether another animal from the artless Cavendish that completely dominates the US market, mostly because it can ship green and not bruise or split, blaaaa. So I think, Murre, that you might hate not all bananas, but just the Cavendish banana, and it is worth hating. When my dear macaw Charlie died I simply quit buying bananas, and they had been on every single grocery list I made out for 23 years. I realize now that I ate them just to finish them for her, since she only liked the fun ends.
    I love this post. And now I'm thinking about Charlie, so will think about noodle-sized ponytails instead.
    Love,
    J.

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  32. Never mind the whole banana debate, this, THIS is the answer I've been searching for: "And this is why liberals wear loud shirts and sandals and assemble their remaining hairs in ponytails the size of noodles, because they want to feel like children, since they can't stop thinking like adults." Daft, stupid and ugly but at least now I know there is a reason for them. Thank you, Murr, thank you!

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  33. I had said that the bananas seemed to not taste the same as a few years ago, but thought it was my aging taste buds.

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  34. Not sure about the stuff related to liberals and conservatives. I'm strange enough just by being Canadian. Eh?!
    And I actually like bananas. Got an bunch in the kitchen. I'd better eat them before they go rotten.
    Thoroughly loved this post. You surely do have a way with words!

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  35. And they are radioactive. I kid you not, even though I tend to add a swish of eye-brow raising to everything. However..I can't believe you've been actually eating the bananas. Their main purpose is adornment for dancing to the samba rhythm of the Geiger counter. (Long Live Chiquita! Well maybe not with all that half-life energy snapping around her head.)

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  36. Akannie, In California kiwi harvest is in the fall, so the stores have U.S. kiwis from October through May. After that, they're from the southern hemisphere. In Portland (Oregon, NOT Maine) it's possible to raise them in backyards, even the fuzzy store kind. I'm trying to grow the smaller hardy kiwi, but the flowers fell off when it got too dry.

    (They have more potassium than bananas and are death on triglycerides.)

    Rose

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  37. John, are you really suggesting I join the ranks of "Photo Wednesdays" bloggers? I've got more of a work ethic than that. Well, you know, not the kind of work that pays.

    Diane Henders, gee whiz, thank you! I will take it as the compliment it is. Boy howdy. I like your site too.

    Kat, bananagrams! We just had a round of that here last night. What does a word person do in her spare time, after all?

    Welcome, jack-of-all-thumbs, I do try to keep the price of admission low, to match my standards.

    Heather, I think it's banana FANNA fo furr, right? Oh, the eighth-grade hilarity, trying to get someone to do Chuck. Good times.

    Julie, Longwood? Izzat the place that has the whooshing fountains going off to Stars and Stripes Forever, my number-one depression remedy?

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  38. I'm a liberal but I don't wear loud shirts, sandals or a ponytail. Jeez, I'd better shape up or my membership might be cancelled.

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  39. my daughter refuses to eat bananas because she claims they harbor poisonous banana spiders. she also refuses to eat peanut butter. i swear, she is the only 7yo who won't eat either.

    this of course is neither here nor there.

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