Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Mysterious Ways





Thank you for visiting mylittlescienceblogspot.blogspot.com. It is my hope that by introducing research from my own backyard, I can help demustify the world of science, making it accessible to the general population; and in so doing, to banish, once and for all, scientific illiteracy, and replace it with a mild form of dyslexia.

Faithful readers may recall how I solved the puzzle of the missing possums around here (the raccoons ate them). You're welcome. It's just a simple matter of applying sound scientific principles to the evidence at hand (possums all gone; raccoons very, very fat). I am pleased to now bring you the results of my latest study.

As you may be aware, our local hummingbirds have all but disappeared. There are a few relics around, but the buzzing hordes of last year have gone away. Also gone are the jewel-like little dragonflies, sparkling in iridescent shades of blue and green. In place of both are alarmingly large and, frankly, unattractive dragonflies with feathered heads and military-style wing bars. They are zooming around here like black helicopters. Obviously, the dragonflies ate the hummingbirds.

In addition, it has been noted that the penstemons in the garden did not make it through the winter. These were the hummingbirds' favorite flowers, and they are no longer of any use, so, lo, they perished from the earth.

This is the simplest and most elegant solution that takes into account all the facts. That's what makes it science-y. As a science-ist, I must remind you that it is not true that things do not change, or even evolve. They do evolve, if in so doing they are able to become more of service to humans, who, all the data indicate, are the Crown of Creation. Hummingbirds, for instance, have been zipping around here for years like little chicken nuggets, but they're too hard to catch and fry up. They had to go. What we really needed was some sort of drone aircraft that could drop fury on our mortal enemies, and in another few years, our new dragonflies are going to be right there where we need them. I quote no less a science-ist than St. Paul: "And the shapes of the locusts were like unto horses prepared unto battle; and on their heads were as it were crowns like gold, and their faces were as the faces of men...and the sound of their wings was as the sound of chariots of many horses running to battle...and their power was to hurt men five months." Locusts? Dragonflies. Five months? Nine years and counting in Afghanistan. Same general idea, and translations are always a little dicey. What doesn't change is the fact that all of these things came into being in a blast of glory about six thousand years ago. There's already been a book written about that, so I won't go into it here.

Every scientific hypothesis takes the form of the statement "if this is true, then that will happen"--in other words, it is essentially a prophesy, and I'm all about the prophesies. The book previously referred to is full of them, which is why it is regarded as the premier science textbook for the ages. For instance, I give you: "The chariots shall rage in the streets, they shall justle one against another in the broad ways: they shall seem like torches, they shall run like the lightnings." And: "...chariots shall be as a whirlwind...Woe unto us! for we are spoiled." All of which, I submit, has come to pass. Ipso factoido, nanner-nanner, and boo-yah. I'm just saithin'.

So check back next post when I explain that climate change is a hoax perpetrated on a gullible public by people who don't want us to have any fun with our chariots. I'll get into the details later, but for now, ask yourselves: is it a coincidence that all the global-warming talk started at the same time the Baby Boom generation hit menopause? I think not.

21 comments:

  1. I think you may have missed a vital clue, Murr. Those aren't "military-type" bars on the "dragonflies." Those are the rank insignia of the marines who are psychically One with each "dragonfly." The real dragonflies and the hummingbirds were shot down, a la Avatar, a movie so bad, it can only spawn 5-6 sequels.

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  2. Thank you for that...I needed a little boost to get me going this morning. Now I have your very deep, very science-y words to ponder.

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  3. My wife and I are convinced of your hypothesis. I am finding a certain amount of heat in andropause too. I'm not equating the two pauses, I'm just sayin ...

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  4. I KNOW!!! My younger daughter just visited a creationism museum, and a bumper sticker sold there said, "Fossils do not prove evolution." Well, rats. I had to take my Flying Spaghetti Monster decal off of my car and put a Jesus Fish on.

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  5. "I'm just saithin'" Classic.

    "Science-ist." On the news the other day, in a spot about the Perseids meteor shower, the anchor kept referring to "astonomists." I suspect she was far more acquainted with the word "astrologists" and was having trouble making the transition to "astronomers."

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  6. Ok now you have me scared - all that stuff you reported confirms for me that the Apocalypse is nigh. Is it too late for me to repent?

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  7. Oh yes, Robert, it is. Oh yes.

    So the dragonflies are avatars, huh? I wonder what's going to replace the bats, which are also missing. Pterodactyls? Oh please, oh please...

    I nominate the Creationism Museum parking lot in case we have a Murrmurrs convention.

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  8. Nah, the convention should be someplace with better beer!

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  9. You've blinded me with science once again. I'll meet y'all in the parking lot for the convention. You'll know it's me, I'll be the one wearing the Fossil watch.

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  10. Nah, the possums are down in Mexico, at least they were a couple years ago based on my husband's close encounter with one on a late night bougeanvilla and another hiding in plain sight in our dry fountain one morning. What with the difficulty of border crossing these days they no longer can make it to El Norte. Plus the coyotes are charing too much.

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  11. Wow, lots of revelations here. Can you identify where that photo of the chariots is, please and thanks, so I can be sure to never go there?

    That's a common whitetail dragonfly, btw, and I think anything that eats mosquitoes by the pound is beautiful. You have to take a hard line with mosquitoes, hence the wing bars. I think all your hummingbirds have emigrated to Ontario (they're all in my garden) so maybe the world isn't going to totally end - maybe just crack up a bit?

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  12. I'm so glad you have my hummingbirds. Please send some back when they're done recuperating.

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  13. Thank you, Murr, for the most elegant application of Occam's razor yet, in the data presented on the disappearance of certain species. The corollary is, of course: May the simplest among us . . . Oh, never mind. Let's be nice. Let us note, however, that certain fields outside the experience of Occam, e.g., neuroscience, cognitive ethology, and getting ourselves out of Afghanistan (with improvements in the country, of course) may hold a somewhat less simple solution than he might have guessed. Rosemary

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  14. ...and there was, quite a few years ago, a TV program on I think PBS, called 'Connections'. It would explain how a reasonably innocuous event resulted in a dramatic result....something like 'If Napoleon hadn't had sex with Josephine then the bomb would never have dropped on Hiroshima.'

    Are you sure you weren't a staff writer for this program?

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  15. Today's SF Chronicle alerted us to a dramatic increase in the number of great white sharks spotted locally while a second article brought word of a remarkable decline in California's deer population. Well, duh.

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  16. Been awhile since my seminary days, but I'm pretty sure you quoted the apostle John from his lovely letter, Revelation, not Paul, who was more down to earth and concerned with real issues like doctrine and making sure that people got along.

    And that dragonfly pic, was that morphed or is it some mutant? Should have four wings, not six.

    Nuff for me.

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  17. Or Jeremiah.

    Or, now that I look at it, two dragonflies. My word!

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  18. Maybe Ezekial. Or Daniel

    Gee, wonder what THEY'RE doing?

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  19. Or Jeremiah.

    Or, now that I look at it, two dragonflies. My word!

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  20. Thank you, Murr, for the most elegant application of Occam's razor yet, in the data presented on the disappearance of certain species. The corollary is, of course: May the simplest among us . . . Oh, never mind. Let's be nice. Let us note, however, that certain fields outside the experience of Occam, e.g., neuroscience, cognitive ethology, and getting ourselves out of Afghanistan (with improvements in the country, of course) may hold a somewhat less simple solution than he might have guessed. Rosemary

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  21. You've blinded me with science once again. I'll meet y'all in the parking lot for the convention. You'll know it's me, I'll be the one wearing the Fossil watch.

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