Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Lee's Eel




It was recently reported that a 59-year-old Chinese man--let's call him Mr. Lee--died after having an eel inserted into his rectum. Naturally, I found this deeply disturbing. But upon further research, I was reassured that the variety of eel in question is not an endangered species. The Asian Swamp Eel, in fact, is an invasive species here in America, as it was in our Chinese friend. In a further parallel, it is beginning to dominate habitat in the southern states. Its method of introduction into this country is unknown. We do know the method of introduction into Mr. Lee.

The approved method of introducing an eel into the rectum is from the top end, breaded and fried, but unfortunately for Mr. Lee, the eel took a more direct route. It would not seem to be an easy trick, but my research shows that eels naturally hide in holes in the bottom of the ocean, so the hole in the bottom of Mr. Lee may not have been such a stretch. Insertion was also aided by the addition of alcohol, both into Mr. Lee (in sufficient quantities as to render him past objecting) and into several of his friends, who came up with the eel idea in a fit of hilarity. Doctors attending the suffering Mr. Lee days later discovered the eel, now deceased, had chewed up a considerable portion of bowel, and Mr. Lee died ten days later.

One wonders where people come up with these notions, but no matter how dumb an idea is, once it's introduced it's capable of spreading like wildfire. That's why there are so many young people shambling around with their pants under their butts, and also Birthers. And in the area of the world Mr. Lee inhabited, there is an abundance of swamp eels, and there had already been a well-publicized incident of a man inserting an eel into his own rectum in a bid to cure a bout of constipation. He was not only not relieved, but checked himself into a hospital with abdominal pains several days later. There the doctor, after consulting an x-ray, pointed out that he had an eel up his butt. "Oh that," the man said, admitting he had put it there, and apparently surprised that it might be the source of his problem. The eel was removed along with the constipation and the man continued on his merry way, sadly retaining the ability to procreate.

One can only guess that the intent was to use the eel as a sort of plumbing-snake to scour the intestinal tract clean, but unfortunately eels do not care for the contents of intestines, preferring to munch on the organ itself. Any of a number of other animals are known for eating feces, but for various reasons are not suitable candidates for rectal insertion (dung beetles: too creepy; Labrador Retrievers: too noisy). Rabbits are known to eat their own feces in case they missed anything the first time through, but they're notoriously jumpy. And rectal gerbiling, no matter what you may have heard, is a myth, so my research has met a dead end. However, two things can be concluded. One, the world has presented us with a rare opportunity to combat alcoholism and invasive Asian swamp eels at the same time. Two, we could all use more dietary fiber.

20 comments:

  1. Leave the roto-rootering to the professionals, eh?

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  2. I was once alongside a canal that was being dewatered and saw several long slimy fishy things. I managed to throw a few in a bucket I happened to have in my truck, then spent about an hour trying to find a fish biologist on the phone so I could ask WTF these things were, and should they be left to die or moved to another stream.
    Turned out they were juvenile native eels, and I had done a good deed (gasp!) by saving them. I sure wasn't going to be happy if, after all that splashing around and all that ICK, I had to destroy them.
    Having handled those, I just can't imagine how anyone could possibly think that one of those should travel up your darkside. No way.

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  3. It always takes a good hour to get a fish biologist on the phone.

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  4. I found this so disturbing I Googled "eel inserted into rectum". Aaaack! What is WRONG with these people? They need to be removed from society.

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  5. I love Murr's reporting. She really gets to the bottom of things.

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  6. Rectum? Damn well killed'im!!

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  7. It appears that Ma Nature eel-iminates you from the gene pool when your brain stops working...

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  8. Love Caroline's and Susan's comments! Where, oh where, do you come up with these tidbits? Either you read really strange newspapers or spend w a a a a a y too much time on the internet! But we out here in Blogland love you for these posts! Keep 'em coming.

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  9. As any wealthy celebrity such as Richard Gere could tell you, Eels are not to be inserted into the rectum... only Gerbils. The story.

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  10. I swear I do not know why, no matter what topic I start with, I end up in the same place. All I know is it wasn't George and Hazel's fault, although they did give up on me ever being a lady. Robert! Myth!

    And yah...Susan damn near killed me this time.

    Oddly enough, I get most of my initial information from the good ol' Oregonian.

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  11. I've seen "Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern" on TV. After seeing some of the stuff he's eaten, why do I think he may use this type of remedy?

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  12. Bottoms up for another great article! Apparently there's endless inspiration out there...

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  13. I think all eelimination should be natural, but with drunken friends like these, who needs enemas?

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  14. This one was more than I could stomach!


    Euuuuuuuuuuuuuuuwwww!

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  15. Once again, I am forced to conclude that there is no floor on stupidity.

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  16. I'd personally find it shocking in an electric sort of way to be penetrated by anything more than my urologist's tender but gloved fingers.

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  17. Where's PETA when you really need them?

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  18. I found this so disturbing I Googled "eel inserted into rectum". Aaaack! What is WRONG with these people? They need to be removed from society.

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  19. I was once alongside a canal that was being dewatered and saw several long slimy fishy things. I managed to throw a few in a bucket I happened to have in my truck, then spent about an hour trying to find a fish biologist on the phone so I could ask WTF these things were, and should they be left to die or moved to another stream.
    Turned out they were juvenile native eels, and I had done a good deed (gasp!) by saving them. I sure wasn't going to be happy if, after all that splashing around and all that ICK, I had to destroy them.
    Having handled those, I just can't imagine how anyone could possibly think that one of those should travel up your darkside. No way.

    ReplyDelete