Wednesday, May 5, 2021

Also, The Floor Is Still Dirty


You could make a case that I don't really need garden clogs, but one day it occurred to me that I did, and I went to my local garden store and picked out a pair and they went right over my feet like anything, and I hate shopping so I went home with them.

I should've asked a few questions but I don't always know the right questions to ask.

I thought I needed garden clogs because when you're gardening you are going in and out of your house to pee or goof off or grab water, and if you're wearing some kind of shoe you can kick off and slip right back on, you can leave them outside and keep your house clean. I admire people who take their shoes off every time they come in their house, but if I have to untie and tie them it's not going to happen here. So, clogs it is. Mud shoes.

Now. A few things to remember. The reason I don't tie and untie my shoes every time I come in the house is because it's a bother. I deal with the dirt coming in the house in the following manner: I have dirt-colored rugs and hardwood floors with enough grain that you don't really notice how dirty they are, especially if you're nearsighted, don't bother to look, and don't give a shit.

But hey, clogs. Well, they weren't ideal. I got the kind with the little lip of a heel thinking they'd be easier to slip out of, but I can't slip into them without bending over to finger my heel into the lip. So a lot of the time I kinda sorta don't take them off. Let's say most of the time. I garden, I get dirt on my clogs, and I march it through the house, exactly like I would with any other shoe. And when I sit on my haunches to weed, my heels come out of them anyway, so every time I stand up again I have to reinsert. There will be no running in these shoes.

That, however, is not the thing I should have asked a question about. What I should have asked is, if I am squatting with my left shoe in my own shadow and my right shoe in direct sunlight, will I curl up like a human thermocouple?

I have no idea what these clogs are made of, but they conduct heat like copper in lava. I am so unaccustomed to the sensation that I nearly fried my right foot off before it occurred to me to ditch the shoe. Prior to that I was imagining sudden-onset unilateral neuropathy or Foot Shingles.

Because I am who I am, I will continue to wear these clogs until I feel I've gotten my fifty bucks out of them. I didn't get mom's house-cleaning gene but I did pick up Acquired Depression-Era Syndrome from her.

It all reminds me of a story my college chemistry professor told us. He said that researchers at Dupont created a miracle material that was super-thin and super-strong and super-impermeable, and while they were hashing out what it could be used for, someone suggested condoms. Capital idea, they said, and everyone was aroused by the thought of great profits, and they whipped out a few prototypes, and the chairman himself insisted on testing it over the weekend, maybe a few times to make sure.

In he comes Monday morning and throws the box in the trash and says Nope. Why? the team asked. What happened? It's super thin! It's super light! It's super strong!
 
"It squeaks," he said.

Well, we all thought it was pretty funny. I don't know if chemistry professors are allowed to tell stories like that now. Maybe not. I liked him: he was a very good teacher. Ethical, too, in that he waited for me to graduate and move to Boston before calling up and asking if I wanted to go to lunch because he was in town, so we did, and then right out of the fucking blue he pinned me to the wall--he was 350 pounds if he was a gram--and slobbered on me and felt me up, and I wriggled out and said something about having a boyfriend, and he said Sorry and I never saw him again. Because that was the kind of thing that happened, and that was kind of the way we dealt with it.

Also, we wore shoes we could run in.

29 comments:

  1. I have an old pair of red rain boots that I wear in the yard. Clogs would not cut it for me, as I like to have no visible skin between my garden shoe and my pants. Otherwise the mosquitoes and spiders who have been stirred up by my passage will bite the crap out of me. (For the same reason, even in the summer, I will wear a long-sleeved t-shirt if I have to do any yard work.) I don't take my boots off and on either when I go into the house. It's far easier to just sweep the damned kitchen floor once later on than it is to remove and put on rain boots multiple times.

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    1. Ah, we do not have the bug problem. Another good reason to live here! I just cover up so as not to alarm the neighbors.

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  2. I'm certainly sorry to read about those heat-seeking gardening clogs, but I did learn two new things today (as I had to google thermocouple and foot shingles)! Oddly enough, I was just thinking of shingles this morning & wondering how long those Shingrix shots I got last year last... Anyway, had a chortle over that squeaky condom tale (makes them sound almost worth putting on) and then UGH why do so many men think sexual assault is the way to a woman's heart let alone her bed?? Jerk!

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    1. Well, to be fair, a lot of women seem to think that wild sex is the way to a man's heart, but really, it's only a stop-gap until he finds someone that he REALLY loves. Intelligence and a sense of humor, young ladies! It may not attract the teenage, horny guys, but later on, you MAY just find a soul mate. Be patient and picky!

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    2. Honestly, every time that happened to me (the unexpected assault from a friend or acquaintance), I think the guy assumed that if HE felt all the feelings, she does too. Which is weird. And certainly doesn't cover all situations--not saying that.

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    3. "I think the guy assumed that if HE felt all the feelings, she does too." Oh God. College Bookstore. 1981. I'm sorry Fay.

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  3. Great post! Thanks for sharing!

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  4. Have you tried just going barefoot?
    Sorry your professor attacked you. I don't know why some men do that. Guess we are barely out of caves and some still think that way.

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    1. No big deal. Those situations were just awkward--I didn't feel in any danger.

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  5. This reminds me of when I was in the 7th grade and we had a "band room " built in the boys shop class room, because girls didn't take shop, it was a plywood walls and no lights situation where we stored our instruments. I walked in there to leave my trumpet and the band teacher came out of nowhere and started pawing me and said here we are all alone in the dark what are you going to do about it. I fought him off got the first D on my grade card I ever had in my life, it was in band. I quit band even though I was good at it. I was so humiliated I never told asoul.

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  6. Do your clogs fart? I bought a pair of gardening clogs at Tractor Supply a couple years ago. They have the trapped heat problem, too. I will never have cold toes while wearing them. If anything, both feet turn pruney from swimming in sweat. . . and then as the sweat builds up, the clogs begin to fart as I walk. I've been thinking I should try wearing them when hiking in the woods -- they'd be noisier than wearing bear bells.

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    1. Hm. Do they fart if you wear socks? I always wear socks. Even with sandals, because I am a Pacific Northwest person. Scoff if you will.

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    2. Farting Clogs? OMG, I once sold a house to a woman who wore clogs that farted! It was the most incongruous thing -- she was very pretty, very accomplished, and had a very good job at the White House. At some point while looking at property, she very matter-of-factly said, "OK, my shoes are gonna start farting now." And indeed, for the rest of the day whenever we had to walk any distance her feet would make the most disquieting sounds....

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    3. I'm a fart fan myself but I would probably ditch them shoes.

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    4. Hey, if there isn't a dog nearby, you gotta blame somethin'.....

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  7. It squeaks. Laughed for a good three minutes.

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    1. Your laughter probably lasted longer than his squeaking. ROFL

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    2. I'm imagining it like one of those little kids' tricycle horns.

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  8. I remember wanting clogs a while back, then realised I do just what you do, walk the mud right inside with my regular shoes and sweep it up later, so if I didn't remember to take my shoes off why would clogs be any different, and I didn't buy any. But I recently bought a pair of house slippers, all fluffy and pink, in the same style and now I get annoyed at having to slide my finger around the heel to get my foot in, so I don't wear them.
    Love the squeaky condom story, don't love being slobbered on my a 350 pound ex professor.

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    1. I did love chemistry class though. I guess that's sexy.

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  9. Would Crocs work better than clogs? Crocs have ventilation holes. (Me, I wear a pair of old sneakers for yard work.)

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    1. Nope It's not just air that can get in...grit, mud, water, twiggy bits of pruning...and critters.Stick with the sneakers

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    2. I will never know about the Crocs!

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  10. Have you tried Sloggers? I have the kind with a low back so they are super easy to kick on and off. They are big enough to wear thin socks too so I don't get the burnt toes or foxtails sticking in my feet when I weed the copious long grass :)

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    1. Man, I think foxtails mean something different to you than they do to me.

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  11. This post is a twofer: some of us pick up on the garden clogs and some, on the sex. I get to dodge that dichotomy by making a meta-observation. The comments really ARE as much fun as the post.

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