Wednesday, March 16, 2011

What We Have Here Is A Failure To Procreate

The end of the Brewster line (arrows)
Out of four of us siblings, only my brother managed to eke out a child, and he totally didn't mean to. Only a small part of him wanted a child, and that was the part that won the day. We're all pretty thrilled with the results, though. My niece turned out way better than we dared hope. She, however, isn't doing anything about having children herself--quite the opposite--so it looks as though this particular branch of the Brewster tree has gone stumpo.

Grand-nephew in production
Dave's side is doing a little better. He has one sibling, and she, the rabbit of the family, produced two entire children, both of them top-drawer items. We two, on the other hand, have manufactured nothing, and at this point, if we do, we will have to gin up a whole new religion over it, which would be a tremendous bother. Ours was a conscious decision not to procreate. Genetically speaking, we were too likely to produce flatulent progeny with poor eyesight and no ambition, unless of course they rebelled, but we couldn't take that chance.

It's all worked out for the best. We have not been exposed to diapers or adolescent insolence, and no children have been scarred by our singular version of couth. The niece and nephew most likely to have been harmed by exposure to us have come through unscathed, if a little deficient in useful computer skills, and outside of the family we have also been able to collect a set of fine, pre-wiped, post-angst twenty-something friends through the ruse of feeding them or renting a house to them. We're pleased.

Now comes the news that the nephew has defied tradition by charging right out there and whomping up a whole new person. Yes, he is all set to produce us a brand-new baby, with invaluable assistance from his wife. For a family that could hold a reunion in the back of a Volkswagen, this is thrilling news indeed. Especially since there are a lot of good genes in play from both parties involved. This one should be a humdinger. We've already seen him--there are photographs. So far, he's small, although not for his age; he's black and white and shades of gray, with a grainy texture. He has nice flippers with very long fingers; I dream of a piano player and Dave fantasizes someone who can palm a basketball. Either way, we are standing by ready to instruct. Somebody else bags up the poop, right?

49 comments:

  1. Now, if we could only convince most of the rest of humanity that this non-procreation thing is a good idea. It's been tried before and always got hung-up on the "go forth and multiply" thing from that pesky book called the Bible. Or is it the Koran? Or both?!! Anyway, have fun Auntie.

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  2. I remember the days when you had to wait for the baby to be born before you knew if it was a boy or a girl. Now they already have been named and enrolled in kindergarten by the time they're born! Great news about the Grand-nephew. I've got a Grand-niece who I love immoderately!

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  3. Good to hear someone in your family will continue the line and the name.
    The Shakers gave up sex for religion. Lots of interesting furniture but no more Shakers. Funny how that works.
    On one hand we have people who say there are too many people on earth (excluding themselves, of course), and on the other had we have people decrying China's one child policy. Make up my mind already.

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  4. We have a few stumps on our family tree, too. Actually, I'm the most prolific producer of progeny on both sides of my branch.
    That grainy texture looks promising;)

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  5. Being an aunt is the best. It has all the benefits of grandparenting. Makes one work to reach "favorite aunt" status.
    Love the grainy shots but I am ashamed to admit, I never really see the actual child in those sonograms. Must be a vision thing.

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  6. My brother was under a lot of pressure to carry on the name and he managed to produce a son to much fanfare Now we learn that his son is gay - so we will see if he procreates or we become a stump, too. Silly stuff this. There are 14 grandchildren and though they don't have the family name, they have the genes...

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  7. I don't know who Mr. Charleston knows but we're a stump farm, too. Greg and I managed to have two boys, much to our surprise (surprise that we wanted them, not that we produced them! :)), but each set of brothers has produced exactly nothing, not even provided a sister-in-law to fill the female void, which also exists. As far as I can see, families consist of adult males with one and, if lucky, two women thrown in just to do the laundry and slay the dragons.

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  8. I married one of (assuming here) your pre-wipes! That seems like a good strategy, getting the almost grown up ones. When and if we bake buns, I'll try to make sure she/he/they do not remind you guys that they are pooping machines. I have also suggested to Dave that we adopt a couple of very sweet teenagers who can help a lot.

    Funny how it always seems like the ones in the world who decide (and think about) not to have babies are the ones I would like to see populating the planet. Imagine a world...

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  9. My kids were always PO'd because they didn't have cousins...AS IF it was my fault! Heck, you'd think they'd have realized their luck that their aunts and uncles had a nephew and two nieces.

    A piano would be an unusual baby gift, but go with it.

    Yes, you're absolutely right--somebody else bags the poop.

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  10. Someone may be continuing a line, but it's not the Brewster line. Dave kept his own name.

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  11. Forget the piano - think of how fast he'll be able to swim with those flippers! Exciting news indeed. :)

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  12. In your family photo at the top of the page, why do you have a broken chocolate bar balanced on top of your head?

    Just curious.

    Sincerely,
    MikeWJ

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  13. I believe it is a weiner. HIstorically, Brewsters have been moved to foster the illusion of height.

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  14. Those first few months the poop resembles mustard both in color and consistency. Bagging it tends to be futile. If you guys babysit during that stage you and Dave will need lots of wipe-eez and perhaps a small garden shovel. A small squeegee for when it shoots up the back.

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  15. "Ours was a conscious decision not to procreate. Genetically speaking, we were too likely to produce flatulent progeny with poor eyesight and no ambition..." Best. Lines. Ever. Perhaps this consideration should be added to the curriculum of Sex Ed. in middle school?

    Second prize goes to Cognitive Dissenter for last sentence about the squeegee...

    I'm really glad I wasn't drinking tea when I read this...it would be all over my keyboard right now!

    Wendy

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  16. Gawd, I love me some babies! You lucky great auntie, you. I'm looking forward to baby posts and toddler posts and...

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  17. Mustard? Squeegee? Gawd. A whole new poop post. Dave is a youngest child, I am a youngest child, we are without experience but we do have imagination. Maybe we can rig up something. Maybe the boy will like playing inside the shower.

    On the other hand, we're getting to that age where a little diaper experience might come in handy.

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  18. Chicken.

    I was too but more expansive minds prevailed and I'm pleased now to be a parent to two neat people. And they even feed, bathe and groom themselves!

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  19. Ah, I love this post. My mom had two siblings. Those three people produced one (or one half, depending on how one feels about very short people) person: me. So I was not only an only child but the only grandchild of my grandparents. I had an entire mob of people fussing over me from the moment of my birth. This is not a good thing, unless your goal in life is to become either a savior or extremely neurotic.

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  20. When our 4th child--the oops baby--arrived, my dear brother, a 4th child, commented, "You guys take this be fruitful and multiply seriously, don't you." I don't know if you non-multipliers are trying to balance out us multipliers or vice verse.
    (I hate commenting as anonymous, but I haven't a clue how to get a name.)

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  21. Hey, I was a fourth child and oops baby, too. And since we did not multiply, we're counting on you breeders to produce quality stock to balance us out. Don't let us down.

    And for any of you with Anonymous's problems, it's really easy: when it gives you the option of, for instance, signing in on your Google account, click that, and since you don't have one, they'll let you set that up (user name and password, natch). The thing to remember is that, as far as I know, there is no bad consequence for doing it. Nobody comes after you, nobody sells you anything, and all you have is one more password you don't remember. Go ahead and give it a shot. Lots of bloggers don't allow anonymous comments, so it can come in handy. I do, because I can well imagine that Murrmurrs followers might want to keep that on the down-low.

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  22. It is 10 pm, I am sitting at my computer deciding to read one more post, and then I will go to the bathroom. Then I read yours. writerwoman61 is absolutely correct about drinking tea would have been disastrous.
    It is a fortunate thing that I proudly support the Poise Pad industry. Super, just super.

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  23. Your commentators are often as witty as you, so I won't try to match up to their cleverness. Congratulations on the new addition. It sounds like a lot more fun is just ahead for the whole family.

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  24. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  25. I hate to break it to you, but guys just hate to have the part of them that wants children described as being small.

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  26. My wife and I made a conscious decision not to have children when we were in our twenties. We were youth of the '60s and had our reasons.The best one was that we'd paid attention in science and geography classes and knew the population would double by the time we were in our fifties without our "help". It did. And we knew too that the population explosion was the worst threat to peace, prosperity, security and survival that the world faced.
    Funny thing though, we were nearly fifty before people stopped saying "Awwww, well don't worry, they'll come," whenever they asked if we had children and we said we didn't. And people kind of look at you like you were the anti-Christ if when they "sympathize" like that you say, "Geez, I sure hope not!"

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  27. Hardcore aunt here. When people ask me if I have any children I always reply "Nope, wasn't wired for it." MOST people are too polite to inquire whether something is amiss with my ladybits or if I just didn't want them. (Its the latter.) The ones that are impertinent enough to ask get both barrels for their trouble. I like kids the way I like dogs; when they belong to someone else, I can play with them a bit, and then they go home.

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  28. We hardly ever got any grief over our wish not to have children. I think it was a universal sentiment. That, or word got out that Dave liked to explain "you can't make babies with spit."

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  29. Jenny and I also made a conscious decision not to procreate and we've not regretted it. Recent research shows that parents are no happier than non-parents, so the idea that childless couples are missing out doesn't actually stack up.

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  30. My neighbor's son is left-handed, so his father, a baseball fanatic, started inculcating him at the age of four, the difference between throwing a ball with the seams and across the seams. Sadly, the kid is not a pitcher, he's much more of an accountant.

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  31. Goes to show how ignorant my friends and I were right out of high school, not realizing we had a real choice to NOT have children. What's done is done though and two of my kids have their own kids and I lived through it. I have 90 first cousins on my mother's side of the family. I stopped going to reunions years ago, there is always so many people there they rent a campground or a resort. It seems strange to have so many relatives and I don't know them.

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  32. Thank you for dropping in on me. And for recognising where the Elephant's Child comes from. We grew up on it, and all of it can still recite slabs.
    Re the expansion of your family. You will be amazed how fast it can grow. I wasn't a good aunt and now I am a great aunt. And for years a mini would have been more than sufficient for our reunions and now a bus would be too small.

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  33. I loved this post! I have three adult children, but no grandchildren. I really admire people who decide not to procreate for whatever reason as there are far too many bad parents and messed up kids in the world. I also respect those who have them and don't phone in the parenting.

    I am always looking for ways to appear taller that don't require cruel shoes, so thanks for the tip involving weiners.

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  34. I'm happy with my family. I'm the only one who had kids. My sister is a far away aunt who my kids rarely see or hear from because her hubby does not want to be bothered. I'm also glad that I'm an aunt to kids on my hubby's side and over the years I've enjoyed their affection and still do. And yes the grand nieces etc are growing but that's okay. Only a few will care that I'm around since families these days live so scattered around the globe. Enjoy the upcoming wee one.

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  35. Love the line "we could hold a family reunion in the back of a Volkswagen." My husband comes from a family of 7 but only produced 4 grandchildren--it may have had something to do with coming from a family of 7. We mad the conscious choice to have one child--I am an only child and loved it--so does my son--sometimes 1 or none is more than enough.
    Fun read.

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  36. Love the line "we could hold a family reunion in the back of a Volkswagen." My husband comes from a family of 7 but only produced 4 grandchildren--it may have had something to do with coming from a family of 7. We mad the conscious choice to have one child--I am an only child and loved it--so does my son--sometimes 1 or none is more than enough.
    Fun read.

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  37. Jenny and I also made a conscious decision not to procreate and we've not regretted it. Recent research shows that parents are no happier than non-parents, so the idea that childless couples are missing out doesn't actually stack up.

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  38. Hardcore aunt here. When people ask me if I have any children I always reply "Nope, wasn't wired for it." MOST people are too polite to inquire whether something is amiss with my ladybits or if I just didn't want them. (Its the latter.) The ones that are impertinent enough to ask get both barrels for their trouble. I like kids the way I like dogs; when they belong to someone else, I can play with them a bit, and then they go home.

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  39. Chicken.

    I was too but more expansive minds prevailed and I'm pleased now to be a parent to two neat people. And they even feed, bathe and groom themselves!

    ReplyDelete
  40. Gawd, I love me some babies! You lucky great auntie, you. I'm looking forward to baby posts and toddler posts and...

    ReplyDelete
  41. I believe it is a weiner. HIstorically, Brewsters have been moved to foster the illusion of height.

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  42. Someone may be continuing a line, but it's not the Brewster line. Dave kept his own name.

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  43. I married one of (assuming here) your pre-wipes! That seems like a good strategy, getting the almost grown up ones. When and if we bake buns, I'll try to make sure she/he/they do not remind you guys that they are pooping machines. I have also suggested to Dave that we adopt a couple of very sweet teenagers who can help a lot.

    Funny how it always seems like the ones in the world who decide (and think about) not to have babies are the ones I would like to see populating the planet. Imagine a world...

    ReplyDelete
  44. My brother was under a lot of pressure to carry on the name and he managed to produce a son to much fanfare Now we learn that his son is gay - so we will see if he procreates or we become a stump, too. Silly stuff this. There are 14 grandchildren and though they don't have the family name, they have the genes...

    ReplyDelete
  45. We have a few stumps on our family tree, too. Actually, I'm the most prolific producer of progeny on both sides of my branch.
    That grainy texture looks promising;)

    ReplyDelete
  46. Now, if we could only convince most of the rest of humanity that this non-procreation thing is a good idea. It's been tried before and always got hung-up on the "go forth and multiply" thing from that pesky book called the Bible. Or is it the Koran? Or both?!! Anyway, have fun Auntie.

    ReplyDelete