Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Diapers Of Doom

Archival Photo
If anything will bring down this great country, it will be our inability to see past the next election cycle. We are doomed if we settle for short-term solutions to long-term problems. Thank God Texas is still producing Gomers who can see the big picture. No wait. Gohmert. Louie Gohmert. He is so far ahead of the curve he might actually be around the bend.

Here is a man who gets right to the heart of an issue. When he observed that some of his constituents were hopping mad about his opposition to health care reform, he concluded that congressmen should not be expected to take heat without being allowed to pack it, too, right there in the Capitol building. He's not only not going to listen to you, he's willing to put a cap in your ass, and trust me, he's already run it by Jesus. Jesus is cool with that.

His whole website reeks of common sense. To wit: "So if you are oriented sexually toward children or toward animals or corpses, or shoes, or whatever, that's okay." Don't be fooled. He means it's NOT okay, and I agree. That's why I always wear socks.

Or, in his most ringing statement: "It is high time the people of our country started deserving better." Amen, brother, we're already a quarter past rightful and they probably won't even seat us at entitled until intermission. More inspiring words have seldom been inflicted. It's a true call to reaction.

And best of all, thanks to Rep. Gohmert, we have been alerted to the threat of terror babies. Terror babies are those babies dropped in the U.S.A. via the international terrorist maternal missile system, consisting of visiting women with full-term pregnancies concealed beneath their burkas, who snatch up U.S. citizenship for their infants and whisk them back to their home countries to be schooled in mayhem with exploding training pants. There they remain until they come of age and are ready to be sent back to America as citizens and wreak havoc. Terror babies can be spotted by their garlic burps, suspicious diaper bulges and beards. Now that we're on to them, we can take them out, thanks to Louie. He'll see those infants past the threat of abortion, but once they've hit air, they're fair game.

Asked by an interviewer what evidence he had of this dastardly plot, Mr. Gohmert sighed, letting his bandolier out a notch. "Two things. One, you're a Nazi. Two, terror baby purveyors are very sneaky," he confided. "And this is a very sneaky plan. That's your proof right there."

And, America, he's right. It's almost unbelievably sneaky, but there already is a precedent for the degree of foresight required to launch the terror baby plan. One need look no further than the brilliant ploy by Kenyan agents who,  in 1959, managed to plant an African newborn in Hawaii, where people are distracted by falling pineapples and rogue chickens, and raise it up to be the President fifty years later. Most people in those days would not have placed much money on a black child accomplishing such a thing, but Eisenhower-era Kenyans took the long view, which is precisely what is lacking in modern America. We can't even get a bullet train built.

Do we, even now, have what it takes to put a terror baby plan together? I submit that we do not. Our children can't hide explosives with their pants on the ground, nor can we get them to leave home.

This is big-time, long-range thinking, Mr. Gohmert. This is moon-shot material. Some day, because of people with your kind of vision, we may be able to harness the power of Uranus.

48 comments:

  1. Thanks for providing me a wonderful laugh this morning - and I loved the photos. The only problem, of course, is the serious threat of such morons in high office. And there's so many of them, too! Well, I seriously do believe that pointing at them and laughing is the best way to handle them. It worked in the 60s with such programs as Laugh In. I hope it will work this time also.

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  2. You've done it again! Erm...twice, actually. You've beaten me to the punch. And you've made me snort Prosecco bubbles.

    Sadly, I'm somewhat pre-occupied with a Speaker who calls the police to remove a Councillor who will not leave when so ordered. No wonder our crime rate's rising!

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  3. How do rocket scientists like that get elected? You would never hear that from a Canadian politician, though they likely think it. If it ain't in the party platform, it doesn't get said. Canada has an election coming up in less than 6 weeks. Glad I don't have to be there for it.

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  4. The scary thing is that he very likely would read this and think he had found a true soul mate.

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  5. Just bubbled up my breakfast cereal and milk. Thanks for helping me start the day with a hearty laugh.

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  6. Sputtered coffee all over my screen. Funny as hell but you have to wonder about the people who voted for him. I've listened to several of his jaw dropping speeches and am truly amazed that he is a representative of the people.

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  7. Interesting how much hatred is based on conspiracy theories. Them terror babies are everywhere, man. You can tell them by their evil-looking eyes, their snarling mouths and their clenched fists. Or is that the Republicans? I'm confused.

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  8. Your heat is definitely more powerful than his. Think how many people just died laughing.

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  9. "He'll see those infants past the threat of abortion, but once they've hit air, they're fair game."

    Between that and "we may be able to harness the power of Uranus" I just laughed my ass clean off. I wonder if Jesus is cool with that? Beats a cap in the ass.

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  10. Stop it, you're scaring me while I laugh.

    As Blog Fodder said, we have an election coming up here in Canada. Too bad all the candidates are interchangeable. You can't tell what flavour of idiot they are until they're elected.

    But perhaps I'm cynical.

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  11. why are they always from Texas!!?

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  12. Hilarious! I'm a native California transplanted to Texas ... I cringe when the embarrassing TX stuff comes up, as it often does! Fragrant Liar sent me over ... so glad she did!

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  13. Thanks, Michelle! They really are always from Texas, aren't they? Makes me wonder if St. Molly Ivins wasn't necessarily all that funny, but just had a whole lot of material to work with. Seems to me I've even mined this territory before.

    I'd gladly leave a few blank spots in the Murrmurrs schedule if we could get these clowns out of office and into therapy, though.

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  14. I've never quite been able to piece together the sinister conspiracy that birthers seem to envisage. I've tried, but it always comes up a comedy sketch, like this (except not as amusing, of course). I think that it needs to be held in ominously distant vagueness to work. What's really sinister to these folks is enormity of picking out a Kenyan to father yourself. What kind of American would do that?

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  15. And the good people of Texas voted for this cretin. I, for one, am in complete support of their sometimes stated desire to secede from the Union. Buh-bye!

    Another brilliant post, my friend.

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  16. Last year he claimed we were being invaded by demons. Terror babies are actually a step up.

    Don't be fooled. He means it's NOT okay, and I agree.

    I'm not so sure. In some parts of Texas, the bestiality/necrophile vote may be a force to be reckoned with.

    He is so far ahead of the curve he might actually be around the bend.

    If he were any more around the bend, he'd have his head up his own..... Oh, never mind.

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  17. Just looked up a little info on Gohmert and see he took in $409,419 in campaign contributions from the health industry in the last campaign, represents a district (TX-1) in which 25.5% of the population is uninsured, and voted against health care reform. Nah, he's not some dumb after all.

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  18. What is frightening to me is not that these nuts get elected, it's that there are apparently sufficient numbers of morons out there who think dolts like this are a good choice!

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  19. Well, they aren't *all* from Texas.....At least on the local level, we have Marion Barry here in DC. Yep, he's still sitting on the City Council, duly elected by his constituents.....and this is, um, 20 years after being televised smoking crack? So let's be fair about this -- Texas will have to share the limelight a bit!

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  20. This is why you don't mess with Texas. There's no end to their craziness.

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  21. You are brilliant. And hilarious. Although I am sick to my stomach that there are so many boobs around like Gohmert to provide you an endless source of material.

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  22. In 2012 we can change everything, yet improve nothing, but vote anyway.

    Explosives? Never had any interest in them before but I sure do now, and I'm learning how to make some.

    What does a caring person feel when they shoot an intruder? Recoil.

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  23. Here in Maine we've got a governor who's trying hard to out-stupid that Texan.

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  24. I'm starting to suspect that our Prime Minister is secretly from Texas.

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  25. This is hilarious. As a former Texan (if such a thing exists) I can say that I have noticed a rich and long history of politicians of this caliber. (I moved to Austin in 1983, just in time to hear Texas Speaker of the House Gib Lewis call on people with disabilities to stand up and be recognized.) I'd been lamenting the loss of Molly Ivins but now I think we've got a new one--you just have to relocate, Murr. It's a brutal climate, but the blog fodder is unending.

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  26. Terror babies: "weapons of mess destruction."

    I can't believe I missed this story...I had to Google it! Yikes...happy I live in Canada where the leaders are dull, but usually not delusional!

    Wendy

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  27. Holy cow, woman, this is profound. I'm posting a link on Facebook.

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  28. Thanks, Nancy. Mama loves her pimps. And thanks for the invite, Barb, but I have a very narrow band of tolerance for my weather. Portland is the next best thing to living in a cave year 'round. Grunt!

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  29. (Wiping my eyes and composing myself) "He'll see those infants past the threat of abortion, but once they've hit air, they're fair game." For some reason, I read that and just lost it! The Kenyan long view was terrific too. Funny, funny stuff.

    What about Mr. Gohmert's ancestors? Think they knew what kind of dynamite they were playing with?

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  30. Too hilarious and pointed to be untrue. (BTW, it's "bust a cap").
    Here's how the right-wing downward spiral strategy works: Under the guise of frugality, decimate the educational system of your own constituents, they become dumber and dumber and, hence, elect ever more stupid and corrupt- but increasingly powerful (rather like the accumulation of chili flatus) representatives. And the cycle continues.

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  31. Bust a cap. I only just learned "drop a deuce." It's so hard to keep up.

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  32. I'm sending this to Lindsey Graham and Jim DeMint. I was going to send it to all my friends, but they already get it. So I thought of sending it to those who disagree with me, but they're not in a position to be influenced. That leaves the fools I'm supposed to contact when I've got something to say. I don't have a thing to say that's as good as this, so...

    Dear Senators Graham and DeMint,
    What she said.
    Yours truly,
    A Lifelong Murr Brewster Fan

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  33. Too much Texas stupidity coming up. Maybe I can label myself Sorta' Texan....this is getting embarrassing and dismal.

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  34. Just catching up to be reminded that the War of 1848 was a big mistakes. Let's give Texas back to Mexico and put up a big fence east, north and west of it....

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  35. Too much Texas stupidity coming up. Maybe I can label myself Sorta' Texan....this is getting embarrassing and dismal.

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  36. Bust a cap. I only just learned "drop a deuce." It's so hard to keep up.

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  37. I'm starting to suspect that our Prime Minister is secretly from Texas.

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  38. This is why you don't mess with Texas. There's no end to their craziness.

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  39. What is frightening to me is not that these nuts get elected, it's that there are apparently sufficient numbers of morons out there who think dolts like this are a good choice!

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  40. Just looked up a little info on Gohmert and see he took in $409,419 in campaign contributions from the health industry in the last campaign, represents a district (TX-1) in which 25.5% of the population is uninsured, and voted against health care reform. Nah, he's not some dumb after all.

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  41. Thanks, Michelle! They really are always from Texas, aren't they? Makes me wonder if St. Molly Ivins wasn't necessarily all that funny, but just had a whole lot of material to work with. Seems to me I've even mined this territory before.

    I'd gladly leave a few blank spots in the Murrmurrs schedule if we could get these clowns out of office and into therapy, though.

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  42. "He'll see those infants past the threat of abortion, but once they've hit air, they're fair game."

    Between that and "we may be able to harness the power of Uranus" I just laughed my ass clean off. I wonder if Jesus is cool with that? Beats a cap in the ass.

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  43. Sputtered coffee all over my screen. Funny as hell but you have to wonder about the people who voted for him. I've listened to several of his jaw dropping speeches and am truly amazed that he is a representative of the people.

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  44. The scary thing is that he very likely would read this and think he had found a true soul mate.

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