Saturday, January 15, 2011

Threats To The Afflusphere

There's only so much oil. Experts put the supply as lasting at most a few more decades. Given this diminishing time-frame, there is great concern in certain quarters that production might be shut down before all the money is drilled out. In light of this danger, entities are working day and night to prevent a catastrophe.

The world of obscene profit mining suffered a crushing, but not fatal, blow when the Deepwater Horizon blew up, in spite of the application of wishful thinking, falsified data and cabinet-level support, for which no expense had been spared.

The disaster was initially feared to be a threat to the money-extraction environment, but just as engineers had predicted, the passage of time and the proliferation of attention-eating bacterial microbes like American Idol and the gay-marriage debate has scrubbed the public memory nearly clean of soiled pelicans and shoreline fudge.

Industry analysts also credit the side well that was drilled into Fox News to relieve the overwhelming pressure from the accumulation of facts elsewhere. Containment booms strategically placed around the E.P.A. have also been effective at stemming the flow of reliable information.

More threats loom, however, and work must be done on a number of fronts to assure maximum cash removal. In particular an explosion of climate scientists threatens to overwhelm the afflusphere and officials have initiated mitigation efforts, which have already begun to bear fruit. A number of random people with science degrees have been purchased, fortified with a squadron of astrologers and phrenologists and people whose first name is "Doctor," and together these have made many important discoveries. Atolls in the Pacific that are disappearing beneath the rising ocean have been demonstrated instead to be sinking due to obesity among their citizens. Reports on glaciers have been patched up by simply replacing the phrase "shrinking dramatically" with "might possibly have put on a few pounds." In a startling development, prominent climatologists have been videotaped picking and, in some cases, flicking.

The improved information has been disseminated successfully using the internet and chain e-mail as a dispersant and is now thought to be so effective at maintaining the health of the afflusphere that Rep. John Boehner has, by himself, been able to counter the combined efforts of 1.3 billion climate scientists by saying "nuh-uh."

Asked if he had encountered any moral issues vis-a-vis the untrammeled drilling of cash in the face of catastrophic environmental damage, an oil industry spokesman explained, "no, it never comes up. Morals and money do not occur in the same strata."

The small remainder of privately-held money that has not washed up on foreign shores has now been shown to be protected from taxation even in a political environment previously thought hostile, via an as-yet unidentified mechanism. "Some things even we can't explain," said a delighted congressman, speaking off the record. "We just thank God."

Contacted for this story, God said only "Jeez. Are you all still here?"

15 comments:

  1. The way your mind words, Murr, and allows you to come up with these gems, is amazing. I am so impressed and humbled by your writing. You have said it all in a way that leaves no room for argument. It's all so incredibly true. Did you make up the word afflusphere?

    I still cannot look at pictures of those beautiful doomed birds without crying. You have made me contemplate them once again. I have joined IBRRC (International Bird Rescue Research Center) to make me feel maybe I could have saved one.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Pure perfection. This ought to be syndicated. Worldwide.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks guys! You have my permission to hit that "share" button just as often as you like. (Insert self-deprecating smiley face here)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I was clicking along just enjoying this & then I got to the God quote - hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Took me a minute to be able to read this post. That picture of the Dick should have been further down the page - that man is scary and makes me feel a little sick every time I see him.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I wanted to use a line of this post for my "personal email signature," linking back to you, but I couldn't decide which line!

    ReplyDelete
  7. This is the best and most accurate commentary I've read about what really motivated the powers-that-be re. the disaster, who each speak out of both sides of their mouths. That ability must be a prerequisite for political office. Except for that Boehner (are we sure it's not pronounced "boner"? because ...). He has the creepy ability to cry about the sweet little children who's interests are directly adverse to the afflusphere he panders to. Does he make anyone else's skin crawl?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Is there a Pulitzer Prize for blogging? 'Cause you oughta win it.

    ReplyDelete
  9. The fear over the energy crisis is overrated. We could power two cities the size of Miami from the energy gained from burning oil-soaked pelicans... even more if you added greebs and herons.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Another little spark of brilliance, Murr, and a must-read. I shared.

    ReplyDelete
  12. This is the best and most accurate commentary I've read about what really motivated the powers-that-be re. the disaster, who each speak out of both sides of their mouths. That ability must be a prerequisite for political office. Except for that Boehner (are we sure it's not pronounced "boner"? because ...). He has the creepy ability to cry about the sweet little children who's interests are directly adverse to the afflusphere he panders to. Does he make anyone else's skin crawl?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Took me a minute to be able to read this post. That picture of the Dick should have been further down the page - that man is scary and makes me feel a little sick every time I see him.

    ReplyDelete
  14. The way your mind words, Murr, and allows you to come up with these gems, is amazing. I am so impressed and humbled by your writing. You have said it all in a way that leaves no room for argument. It's all so incredibly true. Did you make up the word afflusphere?

    I still cannot look at pictures of those beautiful doomed birds without crying. You have made me contemplate them once again. I have joined IBRRC (International Bird Rescue Research Center) to make me feel maybe I could have saved one.

    ReplyDelete