Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Make Room For Ophiuchus

By now most of you have heard that you are not the Zodiac sign you always thought you were, and have made appropriate adjustments. Unbeknownst to anybody but the ancient Babylonians, there is a thirteenth constellation in the solar ecliptic, and it's jammed right in there between Scorpio and Sagittarius. Moreover, those thirteen constellations have been changing around over the years since the Zodiac was first thunk up, due to the wobble in the earth's axis, which it could totally get under control if it cut down on snacks.

The Babylonians left out the thirteenth constellation probably because twelve seemed so much tidier. Thirteen is a terrible number, representing the death of your childhood and your entry into a lifelong state of pimples and anxiety. Sadly for Sagittarians, it is now the thirteenth star sign, with the new old boy Ophiuchus horning in there in twelfth place. I was the one who had to break it to Dave that he is now Ophiuchus, and he didn't take it well, although he admitted he had been feeling a little gassy lately. The constellation Ophiuchus is represented as a man holding a snake between his legs, so maybe "gassy" isn't really the attribute we're looking for.

In the new celestial order, I am no longer a Libra. As a Libra, I am fine with the news. We are the Scales: we weigh things. We  see one side, and then, on the other hand, we see the other side. We're good with anything. We do not have the courage of our convictions. We don't even have convictions. So if I'm now a Virgo, I can take it in stride.

Except, as a Virgo, I'm offended. There's a place for everything, and everything in its place. If something as large as a constellation can't even stay put for a few thousand years, what hope do we  have that anyone will  hang up their coat where it belongs? Honestly.

One aspect of the whole Zodiac thing that always troubled me, from my former position on the cusp where I could have toppled either way, is that a whole set of traits and fates depended on where the stars were when I busted out into the light, rather than when sperm met egg. (The sperm-and-egg thing troubles me too, because of what it implies about my mom and dad.) I was, in fact, born two weeks prematurely, because my aged parents, in a moment of prescience and clarity, were interested in getting me out of the house at the very earliest opportunity, and my due date would have held me out of first grade an extra year. I was pharmaceutically induced. My birthday is printed on a medical-appointment card I still possess. If mom had gone in one day earlier, maybe I would have been moved to keep my room clean.

Anyway, there have apparently been thirteen constellations all along. Which means the gods have been up there all this time snickering over us and our horoscopes. "Watch this," they are saying, "Murr thinks this is an auspicious time to buy real estate. Cue the floods!" Which kind of casts doubt, for the first time, on the whole serious business of astrology. The gods are laughing their gigantic fannies off.

29 comments:

  1. It was quite a shock to realize that I am an Ophiuchan rather than a Sagittarian. Since I now have no idea what my attributes are, I figure I've actually been released from any strictures and can be whoever I want. Love that picture of you on the fence...

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  2. Murr - I am also on the cusp, and I refuse to budge from my post as a Libra. Anyway, I've heard that all these modifications apply only to those born after 2009? Talk about a generation gap.

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  3. I'm fighting this the whole way down. As a proud Libran, I spit on the idea I might be a Virgoan. After all, I embody everything that makes a Libran a Libran. Then again, if they move all my descriptive paragraphs under Virgo, I'll consider it a beautiful thing.

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  4. If I can't be the man gripping his snake then I don't want to play.
    HRmph.

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  5. Jayne, do we have the same birthday? And are thus the exact same person?

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  6. I am no longer a Virgo, and thank gaud, I am so sick and tired of putting things away... :}

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  7. Back in the seventies when I was marrying people, I had a gift for choosing Capricorns. I would not KNOW they were Capricorns when I fell in love, but the astrological news would eventually come out, allowing me to obsess over Capricornian proclivities and character traits to determine whether I was on to something or not.

    Turns out, I usually wasn't. Now, I understand exactly what the problem was: I was going for a sure-footed goat and I was winding up with plaid-wearing snake-handlers who manipulated my emotions by setting up relational triangles to make me jealous. Still, if one of them had become a doctor and made some big money, I might still be there today, managing my jealousy with daily therapy sessions, to which I'd show up with designer clothes and three-hundred-buck hair. I wouldn't be as happy as I am now, but I would look awesome.

    P.S. One of my Capricorns stuck and we're on target for a thirty-fifth anniversary in April. Astrology has proven itself to be utterly unreliable, but this fellow is a keeper.

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  8. As a (now) fellow Virgo, I'll skootch over to make room for you! Love the balancing act (although I'm sure your neighbors think you are crazy!). Me, I can barely balance on one foot long enough to pull on one pants leg. But that could just be due to the earth wobbling on it's axis. Which could be the beginning of the end in 2012. Which will really be a back slapper for the Gods.

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  9. This is the first I've heard of this, and I'm shaken by the news. I am also an on-the-cusp person (last day of Pisces), and now I'm even more confused than I was before. But your blog gave me the best laugh of the week, which makes up for a lot.

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  10. Yet another (possibly former) cuspite reporting in. That darn wobble has taken away all excuses for being stodgy as mud one minute and flipping into split brain insanity the next...apparently I'm now smack dab in the middle of Taurean stodginess.

    What next? Fortune cookies are a pack of lies? Is nothing sacred?

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  11. I'm still getting my screen wiped off from Nance, up there, "back in the seventies when I was marrying people."

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  12. My screen also needed a wipe after reading Nance's comment. I was also marrying people back in the seventies. Only I picked Scorpios. Enough said on that subject.

    Firmly mid-cycle Cancer here. So this is one thing I can take off my worry list?

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  13. I'll admit, when I first heard about the thirteenth constellation, because I'm a taurus I had a little bit of snake envy. But that pic makes me feel much better about being a bull.

    On a side note, Ophiuchus must have the cleanest crotch in the Zodiac.

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  14. As a first born Virgo (double-whammy) I must ask....how does one pronounce Ophiuchus? Mis-pronunciation makes me anxious.

    Donna (from Sharon and Jim's wedding...Hi Murr!)

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  15. Dave says "officious," but he is not to be trusted. Hi Donna!

    Cog, I dunno. There might be other issues with the crotch.

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  16. With decisions like this coming down, it must be pronounced (at least) like "officious."

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  17. I once went up to a woman in a bar and asked her "What's your sign?" Without looking at me she said: "No Trespassing".

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  18. It's even been suggested by a certain Stephen Schmidt that the zodiac should have 14 signs including the constellation Cetus (the Sea Monster). No doubt tomorrow someone will discover the 15th.

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  19. Both of my former spouses were Sagittarius. Sagittarii? As Angeluna said, enough on that subject.

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  20. I'm a Leo, August 10 is my birthday, and the new cusp so I suppose I get a choice between Leo and Cancer. Who in their right mind would choose Cancer? My husband, a former Cancer, now a whatever-comes-before-that, might tell you I am a crab, though.

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  21. I'm really bummed out. All my life I've been a Moon Child, which sounds better than Cancer, and I have lived my life in a calm, caring, Moon Childy way. Now I find out I'm a...whatever it is before Moon Child (I can't bear to look)...and I find my whole life has been a wretched lie.

    Perhaps if I had my palms read...maybe the truth will finally come out.

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  22. As a member of the sign of Capricorn--reportedly the zodiac's most stable sign--I'm going to assume, without doing even the most minimal research, that I'm still a Capricorn.

    However, because Capricorns are also said to be pessimistic and fatalistic, as well as miserly and grudging, I'd like to add that I'm deeply unhappy with this change, which was unexpected, even though I intuitively knew something like it was bound to happen eventually.

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  23. As a member of the sign of Capricorn--reportedly the zodiac's most stable sign--I'm going to assume, without doing even the most minimal research, that I'm still a Capricorn.

    However, because Capricorns are also said to be pessimistic and fatalistic, as well as miserly and grudging, I'd like to add that I'm deeply unhappy with this change, which was unexpected, even though I intuitively knew something like it was bound to happen eventually.

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  24. I'm a Leo, August 10 is my birthday, and the new cusp so I suppose I get a choice between Leo and Cancer. Who in their right mind would choose Cancer? My husband, a former Cancer, now a whatever-comes-before-that, might tell you I am a crab, though.

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  25. As a first born Virgo (double-whammy) I must ask....how does one pronounce Ophiuchus? Mis-pronunciation makes me anxious.

    Donna (from Sharon and Jim's wedding...Hi Murr!)

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  26. I'm still getting my screen wiped off from Nance, up there, "back in the seventies when I was marrying people."

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  27. As a (now) fellow Virgo, I'll skootch over to make room for you! Love the balancing act (although I'm sure your neighbors think you are crazy!). Me, I can barely balance on one foot long enough to pull on one pants leg. But that could just be due to the earth wobbling on it's axis. Which could be the beginning of the end in 2012. Which will really be a back slapper for the Gods.

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  28. Jayne, do we have the same birthday? And are thus the exact same person?

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  29. Murr - I am also on the cusp, and I refuse to budge from my post as a Libra. Anyway, I've heard that all these modifications apply only to those born after 2009? Talk about a generation gap.

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