Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Snowcone Boy






"No, I'm just--I'm just trying to explain to my son, here--I'm trying to explain to him that he can't always--"

The woman at the pool shook her head as if it were full of bugs. "I mean, no, we're not in line for the bathroom."

That was the question I'd asked her. She was so wrapped up in explaining something to her son that she didn't realize she didn't need to explain it to everybody. And it shouldn't have taken much explanation for her son. One smack upside the head should have cleared it all up.

The son really, really, really wanted a snow cone. There were snow cones available right outside. All mommy needed to do was fetch him one, and, as far as he could see, problem solved.

"You're not getting a snow cone."

But he really, really, really wanted one.

"Are you hungry?"

He really wanted a snow cone.

"Because if you're hungry, we can all go home right now. We can all of us, your sisters and you, we can just turn right around and go home. We can have some lunch and then we can all get in the car and come back here and then we can go swimming in the afternoon swim period."

This is the modern parenting paradigm. You negotiate by offering the child choices, and that way the child never has to feel the sting of utter refusal. First time I saw it in action, a young mother was begging her child to walk south down the street with her. The child had north in mind, and hard. Mommy took a few steps south, making wheedly noises, but her kid wasn't worried about being left behind. Sure enough, mommy doubled back and caught up with the northbound train. "We're going this way," she sang out, pointing south. "Would you like to walk, or would you like to skip?" Skipping really hit the spot. The little girl skipped north. Man, what a skipper! Mommy had lots of time to come up with a new choice before she caught up.

It's quite a time-consuming routine. It takes a bucket of patience. The woman at the pool was hanging onto hers by a very thin thread, and the son was sawing on it with a razor-blade whine. He was this close to a snow cone, he felt certain.

Three other children stood by anxiously watching negotiations. They had their swim suits on and were wrapped in towels. The pool was a few yards away. Would he call her bluff?

"Okay, let's go home," he said. Yes, he would!

The mother was completely at a loss. Her other three children were staring at her, waiting to see if they had to go back home and change and have lunch and come back in a few hours.

Presumably, the deal with offering choices is that the child will always feel a measure of control. Because he can choose, he will not feel it necessary to schedule a tantrum. Sure enough, Junior here had a measure of control. Actually, he had all of it. Mom was down to one choice, herself. Cave in, or murder him, which is still frowned upon when mothers do it, even in the blue states.

My parents were also into choices. I can't remember specifically the kinds of choices I was offered, but one of them was always "or else." If further explanation was required, it was done with the flat of the hand, which had the advantage of being quick and easy to understand. My older sister, who was smarter and more sensitive, was able to get the gist of the choice with a significantly raised eyebrow. Neither of us wasted any time on a tantrum, or the whiny run-up, neither of which ever bore fruit. Ever. A couple times a year I sensed that Mommy could be talked into buying a Danish at the Safeway because she wanted one too. That was about the extent of it. I didn't even try it if I didn't catch the Danish-aisle linger on the way to Dairy.

The neighbor girl used to get beaten with a switch. She had to go find the switch herself. That always had a sickening Jesus-lugging-his-own-cross aspect to it. But this wasn't considered unusual at the time. It did have the advantage of introducing the child to the concept that life isn't fair and she can't always have what she wants. The whole idea that I should get my way, just because, never entered my head. There were people in charge in my house, and they weren't me. This seemed normal and right. My mother told me later that I was spanked at least once a day for the first two or three years of my life, until I outgrew it. I remember two of the spankings. I didn't think I had them coming. Evidently, all the rest of them were right on the money. I bear no scars. And mom and dad probably never even considered murder. All in all, a fine system.

Back at the pool, Snowcone Boy sized up the situation and discovered he was at an advantage in the ongoing negotiations. Mom had made a tell-tale hesitation, as her other three children looked up in concern, lower lips quivering. Would she really take them all home again when they were this close to getting in the pool? Homeland Security would have assessed the Constrained Exasperation Alert in the red zone. Snowcone Boy almost grinned. He saw a snowcone in his immediate future, in exchange for agreeing not to return home for lunch, plus a forfeited candy bar to be named later. Life was good.

It was Dave who had the perfect intervention idea. At 6'5" and two hundred pounds, he was just the fellow to carry it out, too. Just clap a meaty hand on the boy's shoulder, spin him around and march him off, saying "All right, champ. Let's go meet your new mother. You've broken this one."

If everyone sends us one dollar, we can probably make bail.

28 comments:

  1. Being a parent is a little like being a lawyer. Never ask a question you don't already know the answer to. If the mom had a brain in her head, she'd have brought snacks.

    Sometimes, you have to leave it at "No." Followed quickly by "because I said so."

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  2. Blame the professionals. I read all those stupid modern childrearing books when I had my first-born. By the time we had our third baby (and a very spoiled 6- and 4-year-old on our hands, to boot), we figured it out. THOSE PEOPLE WERE NOT FAMILIAR WITH ACTUAL CHILDREN. Also? Larry and I realized that we were, from that point on, outnumbered. It was US AGAINST THEM. (And yes, these epiphanies did arrive in all capital letters - we needed those, we were that dumb.)

    Thus, our reign of terror began. And everyone has been much happier. Mom, included.

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  3. See, the thing mom needs to do is to stir up a little dissent among the ranks, right there.

    "Yessirree, kids, we're ALL going home now, because SNOWCONE BOY had to go and ruin swimming for EVERYONE. We can come back TWO HOURS after lunch. MAYBE. Thank you Snowcone Boy!"

    That is a life lesson for the boy. Ha.

    And mom could maybe try being a parent, for a change.

    (I was always quite proud of my reputation as a "mean mom.")

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  4. The best piece of advice I ever got was from the director of our divine little pre-school. She said, "Never forget that you are the mom and you are bigger than they are." It's served me well through the years.

    Like the time my daughter decided she did NOT want to go inside and take a nap, so she took off running down the sidewalk. I don't know what she thought would happen, but she didn't expect me to run her down, throw her over my shoulder, carry into the house and dump her in bed.

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  5. There you go, SubCo--everyone's happier now. I'm in awe of the patience and gentleness I see in the young parents around here. But I don't see that the children are actually any happier. I was lucky. Nothing confusing: I knew exactly what was expected of me, and never once doubted that my parents loved me.

    Thanks, mean mom ToyLady!

    I wonder how kids are supposed to understand the old "Just Say No" campaign when they've learned "No" means "Yeah, sure, after you wear me down."

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  6. My answer would have been "if the sno-cone stand is here next time and you've brought some money and you're willing to share with everyone, sure!"

    I worked in a small toy store for many years. So many memories of terrible parenting I wish I could erase from my brain!

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  7. Wow, now I understand what my supervisor and my boss have been trying to pound into my head for the last five years...

    And I'm dealing with college students, who presumably have already been civilized by their parents.

    (He walks away, giggling madly)

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  8. Choices, schmoices! I wish I had choices!

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  9. I was a great parent before I had kids.

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  10. We had five children, all in the space of three years (having twins helped the numbers increase rather quickly -- but still). We had a simple rule: obey us.

    As a result, we could take them anywhere, and they were almost always happy and laughing.

    It's not rocket science, and the new parenting is simply nuts.

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  11. I was spanked as a child. I'm perfectly normal. I did not spank my daughter, some days I'm very sorry for that oversight! I did not however, negotiate with the little terrorist, it was my way or the highway darlin, and I will walk away and leave you for the gypsies!

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  12. We watch our kids "negotiate" with our grandkids; it isn't quite the methodology we used raising them. I recall telling them more than once when they were growing up that "being in a family is NOT a Democracy".

    One incident both my daughter remember to this day: Driving up the freeway one hot day with all the windows open, my two girls were fighting over some toy. I told them if they didn't knock it off I would throw the toy out the window. They didn't and I did - "Shock and Awe" can be a viable tactic in child raising as well.

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  13. Grrrr---very frustrated. About 10 comments back, I wrote a stunningly erudite comment full of pith and wisdom. Blogger decided to "time out"! What's with that? I could have written a comment full of piss and vinegar.
    Anyway--time out is apropos the topic at hand.
    A few more times on a time out chair, or corner, or wherever for snowcone boy and his ilk.
    Or better yet, put the parent on the time out chair.

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  14. That kid has already learned he doesn't have to do anything to get rewarded. He has a future as a politician!

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  15. Sometimes you have to ruin your kid's day. There really is no reasoning with a two-year-old who is falling apart because she wants to wear satin ballet slippers in the snow. It's an utter waste of time to give her choices. You say no, ignore the tantrum, and get on with your life. Where it gets interesting, for me, is in the 10-14 range (why, that's where we are right now!). I've realized that my kids' most fervently pursued goal is to see just how much they can extract from us in money, entertainment, tithes and tributes. If we gave in at the rate they ask for stuff, they'd be driving their own Maseratis. No. Forget it. I am neither your slave nor your ATM. Get a job and buy it yourself. Oh, look. Here's a job waiting for you. The garbage needs to be collected, and that toilet needs scrubbing.

    This is called aversive conditioning. Whine to me that you're bored and you want to go swimming, and you've just landed yourself a chore nobody else wants to do. So you thereby make it easy for your kids to do the right thing (amuse themselves) and hard to do the wrong thing (harangue their parents).

    The good thing about spanking is that, if you do it right and early, you don't have to do it very often, and then you never have to do it again. But negotiating? You'll still be negotiating with your kids when you both have gray hair. I do have to slap myself sometimes when I find myself negotiating--they try over and over to lure you into it. Getting the max from you is a kid's job, and they take it very seriously.

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  16. Didn't raise my kids that way! And they have turned out to be capable adults! When they were old enough for a small choice, they were given a chance to make that choice (quickly!) - any haggling and we were outta there! Driving to school they were allowed to alternate days riding "shotgun" (I used to think it would be neat for cars to have 2 front seats to alleviate the "shotgun" dilemma!). My daughter has a way of stirring up trouble when there is none to be found, and one day she was having a hissy fit, defending her position that it was indeed her day in the front seat and she was being robbed of that reward. A few minutes into the trip, I told her (in a not so kind way, good mom that I am!) to be quiet or I would stop the car and they could walk to school (a mere 6 miles!) She kept on (to this day we call her the "pit bull"). I pulled to the side of the road, yanked out the keys, opened the door and began walking myself home! Well, you could have heard a pin drop. I let the two of them come to terms, which they did before I got very far. Needless to say, the rest of the trip to school was silent and that never happened again. Ya gotta stand firm when raising kids - forget what is politically correct and do what is parentally correct!
    Hooray for Dave!
    When they got older they were paid for chores - such as mowing acreage on a tractor! - and we made them pay for their own car insurance and car. We called it "building character". Again, my daughter would have tales of friends whose parents paid for all, to which we told her "Too bad, so sad, go live with them!" In time she has come to appreciate that character building and is amazed and appalled at how young adults (25-30) are still being helped out by mom and dad.
    Both our kids have a good head on their shoulders, common sense and great work ethic. What's wrong with that!

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  17. This kind of parenting fits right in with the "no-failure" culture, in which even the last-place kid gets a trophy and no child ever has to repeat a grade. After all, we can't bruise the little darlings' egos, can we?

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  18. No time to say something thoughtful, rather than snippy, so I shouldn't have said anything at all.

    I agree wholeheartedly that parents who abdicate their authority are doing a shitty job. You have to be the boss, that has to be perfectly clear, and you have to be willing to take the shit for it. Your rules have to be unmistakable and sensible and you have to behave as if breaking them is simply unthinkable. You have to mean what you say.

    On the other hand, I think hitting your kids is completely unacceptable and unnecessary, and the research on the results of it is unequivocal. It does not get the results we're looking for. I know, I have plenty of anecdotal evidence to the contrary too. People survive all kinds of things, especially if the things are inflicted with benevolent intent. But that doesn't make them good childrearing.

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  19. Just Because I Said So is a perfectly fine answer for a parent. But I'm not a fan of spanking, even though I did it myself a few times. BTW, cute little babies? A total scam. Every child is out to test you to your everlastin' limits. They will show no mercy.

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  20. On a serious note: A simple explanation for working with kids for me is "contingency management." Anything they want requires first that I get something I want from them. "If you want this, first you must do this..." The world works this way and it is an easy lesson to teach and to apply.

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  21. I think whoever has the biggest head should get to make the rules -- as long as none of the kids is macrocephalic.

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  22. Catbird wraps it up with the simple, workable rule!

    I'm not necessarily advocating spanking. I have a feeling that some things work better with some kids and other things work better with others. My sister didn't get spanked once, so I don't think my parents were too reckless. I expect it was just the easiest, most readily understood thing they could do with me. I was described as "a handful."

    I'm guessing the most important thing is to be consistent and, as Dale said (by the way I LOVED your earlier comment so don't apologize), mean what you say. I've seen a lot of kids who were allowed to run the show and they were all pretty unhappy.

    10-14? I was just revving up for REALLY giving my parents what for. Julie, one thing I remember about teen age is that during one period I was really angry at one of my parents--darn near hated him or her. Not too much later, and to this day, I couldn't remember which one it was I hated.

    And no matter what kind of trouble I got myself in, I don't think a day passed when Mommy didn't tell me how much she loved me. (Note the distinction between that and praise--they didn't really do too much of that, accepting anything praiseworthy I might have come up with as being par for the course.)

    And I have no children, so nobody should pay any attention to what I have to say. My hat is off to all of you.

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  23. Sadly, what I'm observing is many parents simply don't want to spend time with their kids.Little darlings are signed up for every club,class,"playtime"or sport that is even marginally appropriate,then Mom and Dad just don't know what to do with them!Having children should be a privilege with attendant respondsibilites,not an ego trip,IMO.

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  24. Catbird wraps it up with the simple, workable rule!

    I'm not necessarily advocating spanking. I have a feeling that some things work better with some kids and other things work better with others. My sister didn't get spanked once, so I don't think my parents were too reckless. I expect it was just the easiest, most readily understood thing they could do with me. I was described as "a handful."

    I'm guessing the most important thing is to be consistent and, as Dale said (by the way I LOVED your earlier comment so don't apologize), mean what you say. I've seen a lot of kids who were allowed to run the show and they were all pretty unhappy.

    10-14? I was just revving up for REALLY giving my parents what for. Julie, one thing I remember about teen age is that during one period I was really angry at one of my parents--darn near hated him or her. Not too much later, and to this day, I couldn't remember which one it was I hated.

    And no matter what kind of trouble I got myself in, I don't think a day passed when Mommy didn't tell me how much she loved me. (Note the distinction between that and praise--they didn't really do too much of that, accepting anything praiseworthy I might have come up with as being par for the course.)

    And I have no children, so nobody should pay any attention to what I have to say. My hat is off to all of you.

    ReplyDelete
  25. The best piece of advice I ever got was from the director of our divine little pre-school. She said, "Never forget that you are the mom and you are bigger than they are." It's served me well through the years.

    Like the time my daughter decided she did NOT want to go inside and take a nap, so she took off running down the sidewalk. I don't know what she thought would happen, but she didn't expect me to run her down, throw her over my shoulder, carry into the house and dump her in bed.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Sometimes you have to ruin your kid's day. There really is no reasoning with a two-year-old who is falling apart because she wants to wear satin ballet slippers in the snow. It's an utter waste of time to give her choices. You say no, ignore the tantrum, and get on with your life. Where it gets interesting, for me, is in the 10-14 range (why, that's where we are right now!). I've realized that my kids' most fervently pursued goal is to see just how much they can extract from us in money, entertainment, tithes and tributes. If we gave in at the rate they ask for stuff, they'd be driving their own Maseratis. No. Forget it. I am neither your slave nor your ATM. Get a job and buy it yourself. Oh, look. Here's a job waiting for you. The garbage needs to be collected, and that toilet needs scrubbing.

    This is called aversive conditioning. Whine to me that you're bored and you want to go swimming, and you've just landed yourself a chore nobody else wants to do. So you thereby make it easy for your kids to do the right thing (amuse themselves) and hard to do the wrong thing (harangue their parents).

    The good thing about spanking is that, if you do it right and early, you don't have to do it very often, and then you never have to do it again. But negotiating? You'll still be negotiating with your kids when you both have gray hair. I do have to slap myself sometimes when I find myself negotiating--they try over and over to lure you into it. Getting the max from you is a kid's job, and they take it very seriously.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Grrrr---very frustrated. About 10 comments back, I wrote a stunningly erudite comment full of pith and wisdom. Blogger decided to "time out"! What's with that? I could have written a comment full of piss and vinegar.
    Anyway--time out is apropos the topic at hand.
    A few more times on a time out chair, or corner, or wherever for snowcone boy and his ilk.
    Or better yet, put the parent on the time out chair.

    ReplyDelete