The Real Truth About Vaccines

Buckle up, darlings! Our guest today is an authentic anti-masker on a recent thread. Uppercase segments and redundant punctuation are retained to indicate sincerity:

    Why should I deprive myself of my God given human rights? Why should I deprive myself of oxygen, increase my carbon dioxide levels and re-breathe the toxins I've just exhaled? Why should I lower my immune system and make myself sick?

    This is outright tyranny, manipulation and control of others. You have zero evidence to back up your claims and have done zero research. The mask wearers are leading us all into stupidity, slavery, and sickness.

    The fact is that this virus has a 99.9% survival rate and that is what people need to focus on. More people die every day of many other things. Death and sickness is part of life, you have to learn to live with it.

    This "vaccine" is not the normal vaccine, it's GENE THERAPY, this means your genetic blueprint can be MANIPULATED and CHANGED. This "vaccine" is still in clinical trials and therefore EXPERIMENTAL, which is ILLEGAL to both roll out without informed consent and against the Nuremberg Code. We have a legal and ethical RIGHT to BODILY AUTONOMY. I could go on and on. The SURVIVAL RATE IS 99.9%!!!! More people die of the shit sold in the supermarket!!!!!!!

 

Okay, okay, Petunia, calm down--you're hyperventilating, and that might be the whole problem right there. Put a bag over your nose and mouth and...no? Well. Let's take these points one at a time. Because the real problem is nothing you say is true.

First, your God-given human rights. God never said you didn't have to mask up. In fact, in Exodus 33:23, God said "Thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen." You sound young, Sweet Pea. May we see your back parts?

Next. Nobody's increasing your carbon dioxide levels or forcing you to re-breathe toxins you've exhaled. What have you been eating? What we're actually doing with the masks is mandating them as a carbon collection system to mitigate global warming. Once our masks are saturated with carbon we can drop them in the ocean. It's either this or we're coming for your hamburgers--your choice. BTW butt masks are next.

Mask wearers are not leading us into slavery. You're all mixed up. The phrase is "Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some takeout," and that's where the slaves come in. They're just gateway slaves now, racing around town in their little cars trying to patch together a living out of the gig economy, with no benefits, pensions, or health insurance, but we can see where this is headed, and it's nowhere good.

About that zero evidence. Close to zero, sure, but we have administered 4.3 billion doses of vaccine worldwide so far, and some data are trickling in. Data? That means the raw bits of information with which we can draw reasonable conclusions. It's sort of like the stuff you use to conclude COVID has a 99.9% survival rate, or that vaccines lower your immunity, only in your case it's not "data," it's "bullshit."

I'm surprised you didn't mention the tracking devices we're putting in the vaccines. That's for real. But we're not tracking people like you, Peanut! We're monitoring the agents at the border so we can maximize illegal entry of future Democratic voters, ultimately achieving the goal of having more people to redistribute other people's wealth to. We also should be able to discover the optimum times to spike trees and blow up pipelines. We're planning to repurpose those, by the way. We're visualizing them filled with CBD oil, and underplanted with small labor-intensive artisanl arugula plots in a mixed-vegetation permaculture environment. You're going to love it.

Also, before you bring it up, we would never work with China to make a virus! Not until they promise to raise wages and quit using coal. Now, we have invested in bat conservation.

So. About the vaccines not being normal. True. Used to be we had to get someone to scrape scabs off cowpox victims or gather secretions from coughing and vomiting children and grow our antigens in chicken eggs just to get our vaccines ginned up, but now we can't get enough migrant scab-scrapers willing to do the jobs we don't want to do. Could be they'll come around once we lose all our crops to drought, but in the meantime, these modern mRNA vaccines that don't involve pathogens at all are really getting pretty slick.

None of this involves manipulating your genes, but if it did, I have some cool ideas. Maybe you could grow wool! You could shear yourself in the summer and wear yourself in the winter!

I'm not saying you don't make some good points. You said you "could go on and on"--absolutely true. And people do die of other things all the time. You could turn your head for one moment to scowl at a mask-wearer and bam get hit by a bus! Wouldn't that be something?

As to why you should deprive yourself of oxygen, well...there are some things to be said for that.

Meanwhile, rest assured clinical trials have been conducted and monitoring continues apace. In fact, you're in the control group, Sugar Pants. Good luck!

Live Free And Die

Isn't it something? We live in an age of medical and technological wonders and have the knowledge and means to solve any number of seemingly intractable problems, from climate change to plagues, but we don't, because we still can't fix stupid. We can identify stupid from the hats and the bumper stickers but we can't seem to stamp it out before it spreads.

So now we have a plethora of perfectly useful vaccines for a rampant virus but no way of cajoling enough people into protecting themselves, and the rest of us, with them. Like, we could end this thing tomorrow if we had the collective will. But even if we were able to slip the stuff into the drinking water, it wouldn't work, because so many people don't have access to clean water. The ancient Romans could manage it, but that was before billionaires were invented, and profit must be made.

You can't put vaccines in water anyway, but the only reason you're not hearing that the Deep State is planning to do it is that it seems so much more likely we'll have it sparkled into us from space. There's no end to  how dastardly a liberal--read Jewish--billionaire can be.

You didn't encounter this kind of obstinacy when the polio vaccine was developed. People were kind of simple and uncomplicated about things back then. Polio bad. Thank you Drs. Salk and Sabin. Please give me sugar cube. Now, we're sort of done with measles chickenpox diphtheria polio smallpox whooping-cough tetanus hepatitis and even the dag-gone mumps, and there are so few real things that we have to worry about we need to invent them, just to get our understimulated little chests to rise.

People used to band together to fight their foes but now we're all on our own, 330 million armies of one. Some people would never get a vaccine on principle, that principle being freedom, or some toddler's version of it. Others would rather wait and see how it turns out. "Wait and see" is not a reasonable plan from a public health standpoint when time is of the essence with a still-rampaging mutating microbe, but many people are suspicious. Look how quickly Trump got the vaccines developed, they say. Wasn't he wonderful? On the other hand, it was way too quick to trust. Let's see how many people drop dead from the vaccine first! We can stack those bodies up here, and the COVID Hoax bodies over there, and see which pile looks scariest. That's science, right there. That's just using the old bean.

One fellow who got COVID and has no intention of getting the vaccine explained it this way: "I had a fever for a couple days. I don't think it's the bogeyman they made it out to be."

A half million others were unavailable for comment.

Black people, as a demographic, have a well-founded historical distrust of the medical establishment but seem to be coming around to the advisability of vaccination. Republicans have a distrust of the truth. And they don't trust government ever to do the right thing. Which, considering the last four years, is almost reasonable.

Can't fix stupid. You can fix ugly, but it takes a face mask. So. Back where we started.

Scoring the Dose

We got our first COVID vaccinations the usual way. There was a rumor that a kilo of Pfizer had landed on the east side and we went to meet some guy behind a warehouse, and he flashed open his trench coat, studded with open appointment slots. I was dubious, and when I feigned disinterest, he said "All right, sweetheart, you got me--but if you want the real deal, go to the dumpster behind the CVC and ask for Vinnie."

Vinnie's collection of appointment slots was obviously fake, just magic marker on pieces of masking tape, and we weren't falling for it, but he got his cousin on the phone and I will be damned but he totally had slots, slots for days. He only operated between midnight and 2am, but if you could stay up that late, he had it all: Walgreen's, Rite-Aid, and a jackpot at the Convention Center. We signed up right away and told all our friends, and they all got appointments too, until the third day when the velvet rope went up, and the latecomers were sent back out to work the alleyways.

It ain't easy. One couple we know found a scalper on the corner of Fifth and Hallelujah and got all signed up, and when they got to the vaccination site it turned out to be a pitch for time-shares in Florida, plus the cookies were stale.

So screw them, right? We got ours, and that's what matters. They had a slick operation there at the Convention Center. They're running six thousand people a day through there, moving them through the cordoned aisles as smooth as corpuscles in the bloodstream. We never stopped moving. There were mazes of aisles, and ushers to insert us into them, and at the end everybody got the cheese. We sat for fifteen minutes so someone could scoop us up if we keeled over, and then we were out of there.

It was an easy shot. Four hours later I got a nasty case of shoulder flu. No other side-effects, but I was dragging knuckles on one side like Quasimodo and had to lift my right arm with my left arm just to put it on my lap. This, I am assured, is a good sign.

It means my body is putting up some kind of fight and should be commended at the earliest opportunity. My body, in theory, has gobs of white blood cells whose chief occupation is defense and homeland security. Some of them find invading germs and eat them. They spit out the icky bits, called antigens, and then others produce antibodies to attack the antigens. It takes a while to stock the armory but with any luck your body will be able to get ahead of the germ before you drop dead.

Vaccines are designed to rev up the whole system. They simulate an invasion and muster your white cells to get off their duffs. Some are "live attenuated" vaccines; they use a disabled germ, like sending in an invading army of quadriplegic soldiers with spears. Inactivated vaccines, such as our new friend the COVID vaccine, are armed with Nerf spears and Whiffle-cannons. You need a booster a few weeks later because your body doesn't take it as seriously at first, but by the time the second surge begins, it's plenty annoyed by all the Nerfing and Whiffling and it's had a chance to stock up on antibodies and complain to the condominium association abut kids these days.

The other thing your body does after encountering a vaccine is it assigns some of the white blood cells to be Memory Cells. They're responsible for neighborhood watch patrols and they get on the two-way if they spot any of the germs they've got antibodies for.

This is the part that worries me. If I develop any memory cells, they're just going to wander all over the place. They'll bunch up around the kneecap and say "Now what is it I came in here for?" and then they'll have to make another trip around to remember. And if they do bump into any germs, they're going to waste time trying to trick the germs into telling them their names again. "We've got a situation down here in the trachea," they'll call out. "It's that old whatchamacallit virus, the one that looks like an orange with the cloves stuck in it? No? The one that was married to that other one that used to play the neighbor on the Dick Van Dyke Show. Yeah, well, shit, I don't know. Just send over the whole kit when you get a chance, I guess."

This is why old people are in more trouble.