Saturday, July 17, 2021

My Personal Mediterranean


I had to go to the bathroom the other day, which I am grateful to say is not ordinarily a noteworthy event. In this case, I was all set to walk through the laundry room to the toilet when I encountered a wide, unnavigable azure-blue sea, a veritable Mediterranean, where none had been observed before.

Not a problem. We have two doors to that bathroom, which has occasionally led to embarrassment when we have company, but which now seemed like an excellent design feature. I went around.

Still. This new development wasn't something that should be ignored for long.

I recognized the new feature as the entire contents of a brand-new vat of Arm & Hammer Laundry Detergent, set free, and I paused to admire the levelness of the floor. No pooling was observed: the floor was able to accommodate the detergent over the broadest possible expanse given its native viscosity and local conditions of temperature. In other words, it was every the fuck where.

No real mystery as to what happened. My washing machine attains supersonic spin speeds and could rattle the dingleballs off a passing dog, and I'm used to it, but my new tub of detergent must have been terrified, and leapt off the dryer. My washing machine, in fact, is tectonically walking across the floor at a rate of about two inches a month. Next year this time we'll be able to load 'er up without getting out of bed.

I'm sure there are better ways of contending with this, but the only thing I could think of was to scoop all the detergent I could into a dustpan and dribble it back in the container. Sure, there will be dirt and dust in there, but it's detergent. It should be fine. Then I sopped up the remainder with towels and old sheets. It worked passably well. I took the towels and sheets out to the yard to hose them off, but it soon became clear that soap was going to keep coming out of them until the end of time. You don't need much High-Efficiency detergent to clean a load. It's packed with soapy goodness. My towels are now soap bombs. My new plan is to dry them on the garden wall and then snip them into tiny squares like panes of LSD. Pop one in every laundry load and hope for the best.

But there's still a film of soap on the floor. Soap is slippery stuff, and has been ever since it was made from dead fires and animal fat. Slipperiness is sort of the point of it. HE detergent just amps it up. That stuff is slipperier'n a goose's gut.

How do you clean up soap?

"Why is soap so slippery?" I asked the internet. The internet replied that soap is slippery due to a lack of friction. Also? The sky is blue from a lack of orangeness. I still don't know how to clean it up. And half the floor is now stained slightly blue. I don't know why they had to add that much dye unless the original concoction is the color of baby diarrhea.

The clothes dryer has no opinion. I fired that appliance years ago. It's just there as a companion animal to the washer.

HAPPY 38TH ANNIVERSARY TO DAVE! OH, AND ME TOO!



69 comments:

  1. Or you could sell it as panes of LSD? Not in your own town, though.

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  2. I'll bet one of those little panes would clean you right out. With spillage like that you could try all day moppage on your day off. Then Dave could do it on his day off. Eventually you would likely have the cleanest laundry room floor in the 'hood.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Weirdly, I did get most of it back in the bottle, and the rest cleaned up. But you can see where it was, which I plan to fix by reducing the wattage in the room.

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  3. Very sorry about the detergent spill, but at least you made it an entertaining read! A couple years ago I dropped a 4lb bag of sugar in my kitchen and you'd think there must have been a tiny bomb in that bag 'cuz it went EVERYWHERE. Thought for sure I'd be getting 8,000 ant visitors but not a one, so there's something to be said for living in a high rise :^) ANYWAY, Happy Anniversary Murr! 38 years, that's awesome!

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    Replies
    1. On top of seven cohabitating years beforehand!

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    2. Okay 45 years is VERY impressive!!

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  4. Happy anniversary, Murr! and Dave.

    If there's a floor drain, maybe you could hose it off. Or use a carpet cleaning machine on the floor?

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    Replies
    1. That's a good point. Why isn't there a floor drain??

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    2. There SHOULD be a floor drain. Aren't they mandatory in case of pipe breakage or other type of flood? like leaking washing machine or overflowing tubs?

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    3. Maybe there's a drain. I haven't looked behind the washer for twenty-five years. It frightens me.

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  5. Murr, my know-it-all friend Google says that kitty litter would absorb it. You'd probably have to leave it in place for a day or so, then sweep it up (or use a shop vac, if you have one). Also, you might want to make sure you keep the cats out of the laundry room, or you could have a bigger, smellier mess on your hands: "Oooo... a whole room litter box! Awesome!" You might want to finish by mopping with straight white vinegar, as it cuts grease well.

    Of course, you will need a fuck-ton of litter. (For those into metric, that's 66.7 shitloads.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! Mimi, you always make me chuckle :^)

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    2. I scooped it. It's gone. But thanks for suggesting a way bigger mess!

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  6. Happy anniversary to you both. Sorry that you have a mess. Yikes.

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    Replies
    1. I guess if you have to spill a vat of something, there are worse things than detergent.

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    2. A similar beer spillage would really make you cry.

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  7. Since A & H and all other laundry detergents went to 'liquid', I find that it is impossible to rinse it out. I wind up re-doing the rinse cycle sometimes twice to rid the machine and clothes of soap. And it leaves some sort of polymer residue on fabrics that makes kitchen towels impervious to water when what I need is for them to wipe off a kitchen counter. The only soap that I know of to remove 'slippery soap' is to use Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Castile Soap. Sounds counterintuitive, but Dr. Bronner's will do the trick. Happy Anniversary. I just know you want to spend your anniversary in the laundry room.

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    Replies
    1. I'm thinking Pods the next time. I don't know if they're environmentally unsound or not and I don't want to find out.

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    2. I hear they're hard on your digestion, so don't eat them ;)

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    3. Dr. Bronner’s will fix anything, even boredom.

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  8. Happy anniversary. Your tale of woe reminds me of the time that the bottom dropped out of a five litre can of olive oil just as I lifted it from the cupboard. It too went everywhere. Including under the cupboards and all of the kitchen fixturea. Oil is as slippery as soap. And v. hard to remove.

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  9. Happy Anniversary!! BTW, we use Pods. And from my totally unscientific observations, I think that they must be OK for the environment, because the outsides of them that looks like very weak faux plastic seems to melt away with no residue. The problem I have with pods is like the old prune dilemma: "Is one enough? Is three too many?" James previously acquired the German version of Persil *powder*, which apparently are different from the American version? It was the best! I don't know if he got busted for illegal importation of laundry powder, but we still miss it.......But I digress.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am informed (as of five seconds ago) that there are some pods that are not too bad for the environment, although you should be on the city sewer system or the PVCs in the pod packet will not properly degrade before harming aquatic life. They have lists and also recommend laundry sheets, which I only just heard of. To be continued.

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  10. The floor drain has always been my dream. We are nowadays constantly spilling things. Flour, cat litter, animal food, blended mint... and that is not counting liquids. Happy Anniversary you two. I think we are on number 46 this year... but don't quote me on that! Your wedding was still one of our favorites!

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    Replies
    1. You probably remember it better than I do! Did you leave before the police shut us down?

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  11. (Please excuse the numerous typos and verb disagreements in the previous post. I was cheating by posting whilst attending an online real estate class...)

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  12. I’ve been using Tru Earth detergent sheets for a while. I LOVE that I don’t have to buy those big plastic bottles anymore. I, too, have a HE washer and the detergent sheets work great. Better for the environment I believe.
    Happy Anniversary and love that hairdo!

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    Replies
    1. I've been using those as well, and it's a mystery to me if they work. They seem to but I don't see suds.

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    2. THANKS! I will try them. Dishwasher too?

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    3. No suds needed to really clean well. We have just learned to expect that.
      I don’t have a dishwasher so don’t really know.
      I MUCH prefer the unscented strips.

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  13. Congratulations! We're at 51 years which seems impossible. We're not old enough to be that old, and I bet you aren't either.

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  14. Congratulations on your togetherness, what an amazing achievement. And Dave's hair looks wonderful...

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    Replies
    1. He hated that I did that, but I had to take a picture. He has such nice hair. We've cut it all off since then though.

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  15. Congratulations on your many years together. I love the hairdo, it is a keeper. I recently read that the pods are better for the environment they dissolve easily and the amount of plastic in the liquid containers is bad. P.S. If you ever drop a dozen eggs on the floor cover is all with table salt. It changes the protein and makes it easier to clean up. When I dropped the eggs years ago my daughter was about 5. She asked, "Mommy why did you do that?" 😀

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a hard one to answer.

      See above comments--pods aren't the greatest, and sheets might be better.

      Delete
  16. Happy Anniversary! I love Dave's braided hair. You could try salting the floor, same as you do snowed drives, let it dry and scoop it up then just keep mopping the floor with plain water until the slipperiness is gone. Really love the photo of Pootie sunbathing :)

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  17. Happy Anniversary, Mary. You both got a good one!

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    Replies
    1. We did okay! Except for parts of the 'Nineties.

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  18. I've used laundry sheets and they're great. Very environmentally-friendly.

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  19. Congratulations on the anniversary and the many years together, Murr, despite Dave being difficult in the 90s! We celebrated, or at least 'noticed' that we've been wedded 56 years this past May. Not all unqualified bliss, but then I ain't easy to live with! Har! Re the laundries; For the past six month we've used these soapless deals called 'Gargoyles'. They're hollow plastic spheres about the size of a big orange, filled with bio-ceramic beads that raise the water's pH to the same pH level as detergent. They remove stains, odours and bacteria from fabric, just like detergent. It takes three Gargoyles for a big HE washer like ours and they do 1500 loads. You can then return the spheres to be loaded with new beads. Saves a buttload of money over buying detergent (their site says $1040 over the life of three Gargoyles) and you don't dump chemicals into the environment. I don't think they are quite as good on whites as Tide. I use white terry bar towels for kitchen towels and once a month I have to throw them into a sinkful of bleach, but I had to do that occasionally, even using Tide. I'm a bit OCD about spotless kitchen towels. I'm really clumsy so I've dropped one a few times! They bounce and roll away, to the floor drain! No harm no foul. LOL

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    Replies
    1. They claim "zero chemicals," but you can't raise the pH without some chemicals, unless you have a magical method of sucking all the carbon dioxide out of your wash water, so they are lying about something, I'm just not sure exactly what. If you really want to just raise the pH, then soak your clothes in a solution of baking soda. It will be cheaper. The phrase "bio-ceramic" certainly sounds like nonsense. There's a whole Wikipedia page about pseudoscientific claims for laundry balls...

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    2. My new plan is to get rid of all my white towels and stick with mid- to dark ones. I might do the same with T-shirts.

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    3. That worked great for my socks.

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    4. I also rarely clean my shower because when I'm in there I don't have my glasses on.

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    5. I can see just well enough to squeegee the glass doors. The rest I just hose down, hot, with the hand-held, and hope it helps. I expect that I will eventually be totally dirt-blind, as my mother became. Durn, maybe I am already. I worry that a younger house-guest will be able to see it all — but we've had no house guests, and, the way things are going, may never have any more.

      Delete
  20. What happened to Dave’s arm?

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    Replies
    1. I'm pretty sure it just has a beer on the end of it.

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  21. Happy Anniversary to you and Dave! (insert The Flintstones' "Happy Anniversary" jingle, q.v.) I'll second Larry's suggestion of a carpet cleaner, since it both sprays and sucks.

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  22. I can't get past that chap with the glorious hair-do! Something about a spill in your laundry...
    But that hair!!!!!!!!!!!
    Oh, yeah, happy thingummy. Did you dress his hair? Does he have a special barber?

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    Replies
    1. I just snuck up behind him and did a French braid, which is how I wore my hair for a long time. He didn't like it. He's not fancy. And it just curls under like that naturally.

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  23. Well soapy anniversary to you and Dave. I would have done exactly that--scooped up the soap with a dustpan and put it the heck back in the bottle. That's a gorgeous French braid he's sportin'. Sending you redstarts and Rudbeckia from bloomin' Ohio. xoxox jz

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    Replies
    1. REDSTARTS! You know what I like!

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    2. PS When do I have to show up to see strutting woodcocks?

      Delete
  24. I’m laughing so hard I’m crying.

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  25. i am giving this testimony cos l am happy My name is Mrs. Santana Valdez from Houston,taxes.i never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once. when i went to Canada in June 28th 2021 this year on a business summit. i meet a man called Dr Zuma zuk.He is powerful he could help you cast a spells to bring back my love's gone, misbehaving lover looking for some one to love you, bring back lost money and magic money spell or spell for a good job. i'm now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 2 years. i really loved him, but his mother was against me and he had no good paying job. so when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him.. at first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. and in 6 days when i returned to taxes, my boyfriend (is now my husband ) he called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married..i didn't believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got a new job and our lives became much better. in case anyone needs the spell caster for some help, email address spiritualherbalisthealing@gmail.com Great Zuma zuk i thank you very much thank you in 1000000 times.. if not you i would have been losted and wasted thank you. Email Him Through his email address... spiritualherbalisthealing@gmail.com please make sure you contact him for any financial difficulties okay...What a powerful man such as Dr Zuma zuk.. he is so much powerful..\\ email him for any difficulties.. spiritualherbalisthealing@gmail.com His whatsapp +15068001647 follow fb.me/lordzumazuk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Put gris-gris on your doorstep
      Soon you'll be in the gutter
      Melt your heart like butter
      A-a-and I can make you stutter

      Come Get It, Get It, Come, Come
      Walk on guilded splinters
      Come Get It, Get It, Come, Come
      Walk on guilded splinters

      'Til I Burn Up ,'Til I Burn Up, 'Til I Burn Up ,'Til I Burn Up"

      —Dr. John, "Walk on Guilded Splinters"

      Delete
    2. Boy, that was quick! Lil Anon-y-mous done been gone to her conference in Canader yesterday (What? Our borders are still closed! How she git in?) and met her "lovecaster" and by this morning she met the man of her dreams, married him and got preggers with their 'little kid'! Gotta love these ad bots. They live in a different time warp than us old folks. However, my advice would be, if you need a magic spell to attract a partner, you'd best work on your social skills! LOL

      Delete
  26. Happy Anniversary and I'm glad you didn't slip and break a hip on the slippery floor! Panes of LSD looking contraband... you do think quick on your feet on how best to Market a happy accident!

    ReplyDelete
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