Saturday, March 28, 2020

Covered For Covid

Don't worry about us old people. Sure, we tip over a lot--you would too if you had one foot in the grave. But check this, Junior. We're going to sail right through your little virus dealie. Because we got Life Skills. We got Lore. We got Laudanum. We'll be fine.

Shoot, we been training for this forever. We're supposed to start looking at children as little disease vectors? Way ahead of you. And we know exactly how far apart six feet is. It's coffin depth. It's the gap you keep from the person in front of you at the ATM. It's the distance between Rob and Laura Petrie's beds. It's the length of a proper dog leash. You young people with the retractable beagles are the ones getting confused.

Six feet is weird anyway. Supposedly that recommendation comes from the idea that it is the distance an infectious droplet can travel when coughed out. Well ain't that precious. Doesn't anybody smoke anymore? We had an old man down the street from us growing up who could launch a loogie ten yards into a headwind. He'd get started hacking and you'd think someone had tied tin cans to his bumper. Speaking of bumpers he had a hell of a tailwind too. Mr. Frank was a deeply frightening man, to a little kid. We kept our germs well away from him. He had to get sick all by himself using nothing but Viceroys but that's the kind of can-do initiative people used to have, before we had to have fancy imported viruses.

What else? Wash our hands all day long? Oh fine, but there's a limit. Our tissues are thinner. You start soaping off too many layers and you're getting into a damaged-packaging situation. And then we're supposed to stop touching our faces? What's left to touch that we can still reach without bending over?

Old Person Amusing Himself
Besides I only touch my nose ten or twelve times an hour, just to get the crusty bits on the outside. I don't do any actual excavation unless there's no one else around, so that's safe. And I hardly ever have to go in past the first knuckle. What I really do a lot of is stick my finger on my eyeball. I do that because I wore hard contact lenses for forty years and completely lost the revulsion factor. Sticking your finger on your actual eyeball is the best way of getting those stray eyelashes out. Of course, you have to lick it first. Anyway, I haven't seen anything specific about not sticking your licked finger on your eyeball. I'm fine. Also, I've made extra sure I wipe my nose thoroughly on my sleeve and my hands thoroughly on my doorknobs. The doorknobs are metal and viruses slide right off.

You want contagious, you should try measles. One kid could easily measle up a whole class of fourth-graders. But we measled in rolling shifts for efficiency. That way we could still maintain dodge-ball teams all winter, which was an important lesson in survival skills, especially for your smaller and squishier children.

I'm in fine shape. I spent a good portion of my life learning how to amuse myself. I can hole up here in the house for months. And thanks to our lack of weatherstripping, we can get a pizza slid right under the front door without losing a mushroom.

But we've got another ace in the hole: nobody visits old people. We only have hard candies and our breath is bad.

63 comments:

  1. All those people who were amused by the fact that I not only cook, but make my own bread and yogurt and can things that I have grown in my garden... how funny do you guys find it now? They might have seemed like quaint skills, but suddenly these quaint skills are coming in handy. Some have even said to me, "Oh, I NEVER cook!" as though it were something to be proud of, and cooking your own food was something shameful. And the people who "never have time" for cooking, cleaning, exercising, or reading... what excuse will they come up with now that they have all the time in the world because they are confined to home? Paul actually had a customer who told him, "Oh, I never read ~books~!" in that proud way that morons have when Paul mentioned something he had read in a book.

    Since a skill that I am lacking is toilet paper manufacturing, after the dust settles from this pandemic, we're finally going to get a bidet. Being self-reliant is the only way to go these days, as people seem to be "screw you! I got mine!" And, truth be told, I am, too. Hence the liquor hoard in our basement.

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    1. There are little hand-held squirters people are buying now. I think they're called personal bidets? I used to say "Oh, I never cook" but it wasn't a point of pride, except pride in my husband who did all the cooking.

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    2. "No time" was always my excuse for not cleaning or doing the little "odd jobs" around the house. Turns out, now that I have the time, I just dont want to! I'd rather sit in my lounge chair under my three dogs, or catch up on crafting something noone needs!

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  2. Thank you for this one. Loved it especially the "Sure, we tip over a lot--you would too if you had one foot in the grave." I have thought about that a lot this spring since I have toppled over twice already in the garden. Ugh...

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    1. I'm one of the falling-downest people I know. My bones are great. Never a crack. I might've banged my head a few too many times, but that's no problem. I might've banged my head a few too many times, but that's no problem.

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    2. lol, Murr - your replies are always a welcome addition to your posts!

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  3. I have a PhD in social distancing. It's kind of amazing how little my life has changed...except there are more people in the house. My son in law is a school social worker, and the governor here (that woman in Michigan) is talking about calling off the rest of the school year. My husband already works from home, so that's no different either.

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    1. I'm already an introvert, so I am okay with staying at home most of the time. But I AM a hugger... so that was an obstacle to overcome. However, now I even DREAM of social distancing, so I guess I'm over that bump. My biggest chicane is that my favorite activities are going to the library and cruising garage sales. So I'm pretty much fucked there for the summer, and not in a fun way.

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    2. Yes, we've heard about "that woman in Michigan". Our own "woman in Kansas" called off the school year 11 days ago and, just yesterday, issued Executive Order 20-16 that joins us to the other 21 states who are now in stay-at-home mode.

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    3. That woman in Oregon did it last Monday.

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  4. Yep.... and there is no way in hell I can say I'm bored! Here on the 'compound' there is plenty to do. I realized that I am reaping the benefits of raising a lot of kids because I still buy in bulk....

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  5. Hahaha! I love it. We are old people, too. And pretty good at amusing ourselves on our own. So many good lines today but the one that struck me for some reason was the one about the old guy and his Viceroys :)

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    1. Gawd. Mr. Frank. Still gives me the tremblies.

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    2. Your photos of the guys with all the whiskers prompt the question: Wouldn't it be easier for guys to keep their faces clean if they scraped off all that scruffy hair or do they look at facial hair as not only protecting them from prying eyes but from floating viruses?

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    3. That's both Dave (and Studley) and I, personally, look at it as nesting material.

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  6. Apparently the virus is less energetic in France, because the mandated separation distance there is only 1 meter. Huh?

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    1. Really? I wonder if French kissing is still allowed?

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  7. Bidet question, here: you still have to dry off afterward, right? Does that involve paper products? There’s nary a one of those available at our local Geezer Lion Grocery. I’m not worried, though. I’m a quilter, and I’ve been meaning to weed out my indecently large fabric stash. There’s your boredom problem AND your bottom problem sorted.

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    1. Highly decorative. Speaking of, I just now got around to putting borders around a quilt I started two years ago or longer. I guess I'll have to order the backing online. I've never done that. Oh: yes, there's drying, but you're CLEAN, so you just hang a towel and use it as long as you'd use your regular bath towel.

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    2. I like to use Glorious Colour on line for Kaffe Fassett prints and Anna Maria Horner prints. Believe it or not, Amazon has Kaffe, too. And Etsy has everything! Also, Fat Quarter Shop on line. And there’s Connecting Threads, too. Go forth and shop. I haven’t been in a fabric store or quilt shop in years.

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    3. Get the bidet that does the washing then puffs warm air onto your bottom to dry it. More expensive I guess, but one should never regret extravagance of this sort.

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    4. I just have to move over two feet to my bidet and dry old-fashioned with a towel, but it works! And thanks, Nance, I'll try those sites.

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    5. I find that if I finish reading the paper after washing, I can usually air-dry. Otherwise, my wife long ago made a bunch of pee-rags from old panties for drying off her parts. We have a container next to the toilet that gets dumped directly into the hot, bleach load in the washer.

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  8. Well, you certainly gave the call out for us oldies but goodies. Thanks!

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  9. You're not real old people. You give out beers, not hard candies. I'd visit every day if I could!

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    1. Is this thing on? I wasn't trying to be anonymous! It's Anna, showing her Luddite powers to the world!

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  10. Oh lordy! Loved this, Murr.

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  11. Along with measles and mumps I had chicken pox years ago. And that little sucker parked itself harmlessly in my system for nigh on 0 years. Than, a few weeks ago, it re-invented its wheel and slammed me with shingles. People, there is a vaccine available and I'd advise you to see your doc. about having a shot. Because this bastard will lay you so low a whole family of coronas can treat you as a picnic rug.

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    1. Agreed, Dinahmow. I had shingles in about 1985 (painful for two years), so I was first in line to get Zostavax when it first came out (before Medicare would cover it). Then, 10 years later, I got another one (paid for by Medicare). Just a week or so ago, I got my 2nd Shingrix shot - which came out about a week after I had received that 2nd Zostavax shot. Hopefully, I won't get shingles again.

      Yes, I had all of the diseases that you listed, plus whooping cough, and my siblings had scarlet fever; although, ASAIK I didn't get it. Oh! We also all got "The Itch" (scabies).

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    2. I got the Zostavax shot in my 50s. I volunteered to be in the test program (for people in their 50s) and once it was over I was told I did not get the placebo. I'll bet I'm supposed to get the Shingrix one now.

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    3. I'm not qualified to give medical advice; but, as your blog friend, I'll tell you that all the docs that I know advised me to get the Shingrix. I think it a great idea for you since it has been 3 or 4 years since your Zostavax shot.

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  12. Well I had to look up "Laudanum" - now I'm just looking FOR it. Does it just appear in our medicine cabinet when we hit a certain age?
    love this!

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    1. Yes it does, but you also have to be in the nineteenth century, I believe.

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  13. We used to call it "snow day" or "the road's flooded again". Some of my best memories are of these days; guilt-free hours wasted on jigsaw puzzles or papier maché; comfort food, re-reading old favourites, petting cats ... Guilt-free!

    So this is a longer snow day. If it were not for the reason, I would be loving it.

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    1. It's easy for me, but then again my pension is still coming through.

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  14. Point one: we are told via newspaper that this virus CAN live on metal surfaces for three days. So clean those doorknobs that may get touched by others.
    Point two: I consider myself an old person at 67 (and a half), but there are no hard candies in my house. I can't risk breaking any more teeth. Plus I prefer chocolate. which my doctor has forbidden me right now, lest I tip over the edge into diabetes.

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    1. Not MY doorknobs. MY doorknobs repel viruses. That's the only explanation for our good health because we don't clean nothin' around here.

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  15. you boomers are shutting down the entire economy because you're afraid of a flu. Seriously, can you boomers kill yourselves? You are the most selfish generation to ever exist. You don't give a shit about climate change, why should we young people give a shit if you get sick and die of some virus? I HOPE the virus gets much stronger and kills you all.

    Do you boomers realize how universally hated you are? There is not one single demographic that does not hate you- white people, black people, asians, mexicans, indians, chinese, millennials, GenX, GenZ. Something tells me that you boomers are not going to have a very comfortable or easy retirement, especially once you end up in the retirement homes.

    Can you baby boomers hurry up and fucking drop dead? Enjoy your retirement homes cause we younger people will not take care of you even if we wanted to, due to the shitty economy you boomers created. Do you boomers realize that the younger generation is simply waiting for you to fucking drop dead?

    You are all going to end up in retirement homes and we all know that the elderly gets treated pretty badly in retirement homes. Well, that's what you get for ruining your own children's lives. Even if your children WANTED to take care of you, they couldn't, due to you boomers destroying the economy. So I hope you enjoy the retirement homes, boomer scum!

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    1. Are you my daughter???? Hahahaha!!!
      Why dont you find someone else to troll?

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    2. Doesn't even have the balls to leave a name.

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    3. Gotta figure balls are involved, though, huh? Marble-sized perhaps.

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    4. Oh, Sweetie! Everyone is inherently selfish! I notice that Millennials are having lots of kids despite the population explosion... which is actually to blame for this virus going... well, viral. That is certainly selfish behavior, as if there weren't so many people on the planet all packed so closely together, we wouldn't be having this problem to the degree that we are. So tie your tubes if you want to do something helpful.

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    5. mimanderly, I don't think you're talking to anybody...real....

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  16. I think Rob, who posted as Anonymous, is STILL unhappy about those 6' between his and Laura's beds. Or maybe you've wrangled yourself a personal Russian bot to keep you amused.

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    1. He's a regular here. He's got his own underwear drawer and everything.

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  17. Love, love the pic of the little bird, bravely landing on extended fingertips to grab a bit of seed.



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  18. I read this previously but left the tab open so I could refresh to see the newer comments. Love your troll!

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    1. Kind of a pet. Horks up a hairball twice a week but you still love 'im.

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  19. It’s not smart to short sell women from Michigan. Like the guys we grow up to be badasses.

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    1. The fellow ain't known for his smarts.

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    2. I misread at first. Thought post said "It's not smart to sell short women from Michigan."

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  20. Oh Thank You for the levity in the Time of Pandemic! What a witty Post filled with Facts and Humor! Be Well and Stay Safe.

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