If you want to see a lot of pictures of big-breasted women on your computer but don't want to risk your school-district job to get them, here's my advice: click on an ad for a comfortable bra. Not enough pictures yet? Take the online quiz to discover what your size is and which three bras are recommended for you. Do you still see things other than pictures of big-breasted women? Go ahead and buy one of the bras. (Note, with wonder, that you are now, for the first time in your life, considered a size "small.")
There you go. Big-breasted women wall-to-wall. Russian, probably.
The online quiz was promising. It gave one confidence that indeed the correct bra would thud onto your porch. The questions were very specific. Which of the following three breast types describes you? Round. Bullet-shaped. Tennis ball in a tube sock. Each question generated follow-ups. If tennis-ball-in-a-tube-sock, can you tie 'em in a knot, can you tie 'em in a bow? If bullet-shaped, are you aiming at anyone or are you shooting yourself in the foot?
Many more questions follow. What is the make and size of your favorite bra? Do your straps dig in, or fall off? Do you like to use the first, second, or third hook? What is the name of your first pet? Do you pooch out on the sides of your bra? What is all that puddly stuff flapping around in your armpit, anyway? When did you start having to floss your back? What are the last eight digits of your Social Security number?
Done! Here is your best bra.
Pull the trigger on that bad girl and now someone--Russian, probably--is sending you a photo of a big-breasted woman every few seconds. Even Trump memes can't wedge themselves in, as much as they'd like to. Meanwhile, your new bra is on its way. And when it arrives, it is very Small indeed.
There's nothing to it. It would be snug on a hamster.
Check the packaging. Did it come with a boob-horn? Is it a weasel tourniquet? Are you maybe supposed to lick the back and paste it on? Do you put it on or...apply it? It's seamless. It's cupless. It's wireless.
It's a handkerchief. But you'd need two to get your nose all the way blown.
As it turns out, it's a miracle fabric. If you can motor past the panic stage when you aren't sure you can get your arms back down again, and you manage to scrunch and waggle it on, it will expand with Sea-Monkey technology to fit any kind of knob or tumescence you might care to cram into it. It fits like skin. Well, like skin used to.
And it's buttery-soft. Says so, and is.
It's really quite remarkable. It does make you worry that you might have to take it off with scissors, but in fact you can remove it, too. Sure, it could take an eye out when it shoots across the room, but at your age, nobody is looking your way when you take your bra off.
Contraction
9 hours ago
I have those to exercise in an always wondered how you well-endowed ladies got them off and on. I used to be flat-chested, but age and nursing two has me in the small but actual boobs stage. It is a small struggle to get these on...especially when I forget to take off my glasses.
ReplyDeleteIf my skin is damp from the shower, there's no getting it on. Or off. I've learned if I just try to get the smaller side in first the rest just snaps right on.
DeleteI used to be quite flat-chested when I was young. Though I never had kids (ergo, never nursed), I developed actual boobs with menopause. I never imagined such a thing would happen; I finally developed AND finally stopped getting acne in my 50s. Talk about your late bloomers!
DeleteYes! I also developed hated post menopausal mammaries. I want my 34Bs back!
Deleteoh, me too. I loved my 34bs, and waved goodbye to them sadly. And when I realized that flat on my back I was viewing my toes down the landing strip with no er obstructions...well...
DeleteOMG. You guys. I had no idea women got tits and acne post-menopause. It's so not fair. I don't know if mine got larger or just more ... diffuse. Either way, not welcome. This kind of shit, like raising children, is best left to younger women, who haven't yet aspired to the freedom they deserve.
DeleteThat looks like it might still fit even if it was on backwards and inside out.
ReplyDeleteWeirdly, miraculously, comfortable though.
Deletethis is a funny, honest, hysterical post. Now Im seriously thinking about this. Most of my bras are like something out of the middle ages, on the armor plate side. Not comfortable.
DeleteI'll go ahead and promote it. True and company. I seriously love these ridiculous bras, and in my current condition, like them better than going without. Truth.
DeleteOMG - How does one keep from smothering oneself when trying to get one of those bad girls down beyond one's head?
ReplyDeletePreferring to get my exercise struggling to get the two ends to meet, I've thought of having nipple piercings. I could stick a loop through each one and attach it into the point of its respective bullet cup; thus, faking others into believing that my body has some shape.
At one time, I liked halter-style bras; but, not only are they hard to find, the last one I tried threatened to act as a guillotine on my neck.
The best option might have been to have had breast total-reduction surgery the day after lactation ceased.
Cop Car
Or removal. They're not much use except when I'm doing colored pencil drawings and need to keep things handy.
DeleteFiercely curious here: can you step into it and work it up and into position?
ReplyDeleteI do not know. I'll have to get back to you. There's some serious real estate to traverse on the way up.
DeleteI know I won't live as long, but sometimes the trade off in being a man can be a blessing. Especially when it comes to underwear.
ReplyDeleteDuring WWII many women (including my mother) found how comfortable men's undershorts were when there was such a shortage of nylon & rubber that women's underpants were scarce. Of course, the men's shorts had a feature or two of which Mom had no need; but, as a municipal bus driver, she was all into their comfort!
DeleteCop Car
My uncle worked for UNESCO for many years. When he spent a couple of years in Cuba in the 60s he and my aunt would visit us and fill a suitcase with women's undies to take back to the locals. They were only able to get universal undies in Cuba at the time.
DeleteNo, wait. "Universal undies?" I know, having written blog posts about it, that undies in general are a pretty recent innovation. But I don't know about universal undies.
DeleteDo you keep buying clothing online because you lack for content or because you've forgotten the last result of your online shopping? Just curious.
ReplyDeleteOh, no, my my. Glad you're paying attention, because I have a whole NEW post about not having learned THAT lesson, but it's coming up. This purchase was a total plus. An absolute balm. I love this weird bra. And one tip-off to the legitimacy of this outfit--they're not CHEAP! [Oh, no, they're not.]
DeleteIt reminds me of the thing I used to strain blackberry jelly in.No, wait...I was not wearing the thing. I strained the jelly through the thing. We called them jelly bags.It was long ago.I didn't wear a bra then.
ReplyDeleteSound like if you did, you'd have needed some jelly in it.
DeleteReminds me of a dear departed girlfriend I had. Flat-chested all her life, she was put on a new and powerful immune suppression drug and one morning woke up and rolled over to discover she had *boobs*. "What do we do with these?" She asked her husband. "Haven't a clue," he replied, "I'm a leg man myself."
ReplyDeleteBeing woefully under-endowed myself I'm glad I have "a good personality". I wonder what they call that now? Nose rings, dreadlocks and *lots* of tattoos? Does anyone get by on "personality"?
You do in my book. And honey? Thank you so much for that story. "I'm a leg man myself." That is hilarious. BTW, most of us who were "endowed" appreciated it when it was useful, but it is no longer useful, and much less appreciated.
DeleteI tried getting into a similar bra once and had to nurse my dicky shoulder very gently for a few days after. So they're not for me. I'll make do with my sports bra. With underwire. Now about this first, second, third hook thing. Which is which? Is the first hook the one that has the loosest fitting or is that the third hook? I never know.
ReplyDeletePost menopausal boobage is a cruel joke played by mother nature and if I ever meet that woman, she'd better watch out. I prefer the tennis ball size I used to have to the cantaloupes I woke up to after turning 55.
WHEN YOU LEAST NEEDED THEM.
DeleteDo you boomers realize how universally hated you are? There is not one single demographic that does not hate you- white people, black people, asians, mexicans, indians, chinese, millennials, GenX, GenZ. Something tells me that you boomers are not going to have a very comfortable or easy retirement, especially once you end up in the retirement homes.
ReplyDeleteCan you baby boomers hurry up and fucking drop dead? Enjoy your retirement homes cause we younger people will not take care of you even if we wanted to, due to the shitty economy you boomers created. Do you boomers realize that the younger generation is simply waiting for you to fucking drop dead?
You are all going to end up in retirement homes and we all know that the elderly gets treated pretty badly in retirement homes. Well, that's what you get for ruining your own children's lives. Even if your children WANTED to take care of you, they couldn't, due to you boomers destroying the economy. So I hope you enjoy the retirement homes, boomer scum!
Your family gatherings must be interesting.
DeleteThe Anonymous family is very large.
DeleteDon't you wonder why 'Anonymous' even visits this blog? Or what sort of apology they are demanding? Poor bitter, righteous soul, all alone with their cute off-the-rack underthings.
ReplyDeleteMaybe she just doesn't have enough tattoos to achieve happiness?
DeleteI wouldn't want to hurt their feelings, but we don't need them to take care of us, because we're making off with ALL THE MONEY.
DeleteHow tight is that thing around the ribcage? because I took in my bra one set of hooks last week and after a few hours was convinced I was having a heart attack, my back was so sore. Also, remember the Sears catalogues? kinda like "porn on the sly" too!
ReplyDeleteIt's both really tight and really comfortable. I don't know how it's done. It's so freaking stretchy.
DeleteHas it been through the wash enough times to know if it will keep its shape?
DeleteA well fitting bra makes such a difference.
A few times--and it doesn't exactly HAVE a shape.
Deletelol
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