The internet sent me this picture. The internet knows better than anyone how long I've been looking for cute summer-weight overalls. And if they look this good on a tall, slim, elegant young woman, just imagine how good they'll look on me!Just imagine!
In retrospect, I should have been suspicious from the name alone. Sexy Slim Thin Jeans Wide Leg Jumpsuit. I mean, that doesn't even make any sense. That's just a bunch of trending modifiers plucked at random by people who don't speak English. Hot Thigh Gap Brazilian Microbladed Boyfriend Suit would have been equally descriptive. Plus, the garment was cheap as hell. And you know what that means. That means a tiny young Asian person churns out a hundred of these every day for a packet of dried fish.
I knew that. I bought them anyway. I haven't been able to find the pair of overalls I've been looking for, not even in the pattern books. This looked like a winner. True, the size chart is in centimeters, which always make me look fat, but I punted a little--they ran from small to extra-large, so I went Medium. It should have worked.
I wasn't looking for anything snug. Basically, I like to be able to walk around inside my overalls, but still have them drape attractively, suggesting that I have a shape in there somewhere. These I can walk around inside of and invite the book club, too. Heck. I could have sex inside these overalls on the cross-town bus and nobody'd be the wiser.
And they don't just run wide, or, as the name suggests, thin slim jeans wide. They actively shoot out for the horizon just below the hip. I'd need to wear three pairs of jodhpurs to fill them out. Forget those skinny-ass weasels: I could trouser a fat pair of badgers in this thing.
I hate going through the rigmarole of returning things. It doesn't come up often because I buy so little online. I was just going to slog through the site for return instructions and decided to try them on one more time. And lo!Why, I think I could just take these in at the side seams. Way in. And straighten out the part that would make my thighs look like giant pitas. What's that? There's a side zipper? I could stand these babies up and step into them without touching the fabric, but it needs a side zipper? Screw the zipper. I don't even need to take it out. I'll just fold it along the seam and sew it up, zipper and all. A few judicious snips and I'll have a matching duffel bag. Which is good, because I'll be needing a new place to stash the badgers.
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As much as I also detest returning things, it's certainly easier than reconstructing them.
ReplyDeleteI've noticed that manufacturers design clothing in weird ways. They will design a "pencil skirt", which should be snug... but put in these wide flares at the hip, so that if you don't look fat to begin with, you do after putting on the skirt. They make sleeves in sweaters long enough for orangutans. Young girls wear them hanging over their hands, but as I have a real life with physical work to do like cooking and doing dishes, I usually have to roll up the sleeves several times to keep them out of my way.
At least I have gotten around having to hem pants: I buy the "cropped" version and it fits me like a normal pair of pants.
I second that!
DeleteI mean the part of "having a real life with physical work."
My niece, who taught herself to sew at age four months or something, and is astoundingly capable in everything, hems her pants by walking on them until they wear down. Sort of like horse hooves.
DeleteNotice where the model has her hands--she's holding those jodhpur sacks close to her non-existent hips.
ReplyDeleteYay for possessing a working knowledge of how to use a sewing machine!
Knowing how to use a sewing machine and using a sewing machine are two separate skills. You should see my Fix Pile. Half of the things in it would require five minutes of work, but since the first two minutes would be putting in a different color thread, it never happens.
DeleteMy Fix Pile remains a pile for the same reason, Murr. I've got things in there from when the kids were little. Just to clarify, that was twenty-five years ago.
DeleteI feel a lot better about myself.
DeleteBuy clear thread and fix everything at once. Or if the repair/reconstruction seams won't be seen, just do everything with the same reel. Or use contrasting thread and add matching buttons.
DeleteLetting it sit in a pile has worked well enough for me for a long time.
DeleteI bet they are comfortable as is though.
ReplyDeleteActually, for completely different reasons, I think I will never wear them at all. They're okay, but they're made out of some weird fabric that frays spectacularly if you even look at it, so because I didn't think to put in a box seam, they're shedding like a summer cat.
DeleteOn the one hand they might be able to double as a tent with some minor modifications. On the other hand I believe Melania has some serious modelling competition. You already crush her in intelligence, personality, humor, and beer.
ReplyDeleteYou just made me shudder to think of what is in Melania's beer refrigerator.
DeleteHopefully something that renders her comatose from 8:00 pm until 10:00 am, or whenever the Troll walks out of the Oval Office into their personal quarters. I mean, she signed up for it and all, but you do have to have some pity for the poor thing. There's not enough China in China to tempt me into her position(s).
Delete...you know what they said about immigrants coming here to do the jobs Americans don't want to do...
DeleteBut the "I Really Don't Care, Do U?" coat she wore to visit the homeless, scared kids at the border --- please, come on, I'm begging to comprehend it. And never will.
DeleteIn her case, oblivious. It was a fashion jacket.
DeleteYou had me at jodhpurs
ReplyDeleteI had you before that.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOops, typo!
DeleteThat model is clearly holding the bunched-up extra material between her back and that wall she's lounging against. Can't you just lounge against the wall wherever you go?
ReplyDeleteEvery time I do that, people know I'm holding in a fart.
DeleteLucky you. I just purchased a down jacket that can fit in my suitcase from China. Made by one of those ladies that live on packets of dried fish because it cost less than 30$...I ordered Large...I wear medium here in the US. It came so small I cannot even zip it up. It cost so little I am going to give it to my granddaughter or daughter as they are still slim ladies.
ReplyDeleteThis purchase was so embarrassingly cheap I could use it for dusting.
DeleteSounds as though it would produce more dust than it collected, though!
DeleteApparently tiny Asian persons are under the delusion that western women all have bums as wide as their country and thighs as thick as Mexico. Which surprises me. There's enough Asians living here in Australia, you'd think by now word would filter back that we aren't all elephant sized, nor are we all six feet tall but broomstick width.
ReplyDeleteI think Murr looks adorable in those overalls.
ReplyDeleteI'm waiting to see Pootie in his matching (adorable) outfit, made from all the excess cut off from hers. (If that's not a good excuse to haul out that sewing machine, I don't know what is!)
DeleteActually, I look like a halibut in those overalls.
DeleteI KNEW there was something familiar about that look!
ReplyDeleteB R A V A !
ReplyDeletei am ERIC BRUNT by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my wife after three(3) years of marriage just because another Man had a spell on her and she left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address AKHERETEMPLE@gmail.com have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a man had a spell on my wife and he told me that he will help me and after 3 days that i will have my wife back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my wife. Thanks for helping me Dr Akhere contact him on email: AKHERETEMPLE@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteor
call/whatsapp:+2349057261346
i am ERIC BRUNT by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my wife after three(3) years of marriage just because another Man had a spell on her and she left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address AKHERETEMPLE@gmail.com have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a man had a spell on my wife and he told me that he will help me and after 3 days that i will have my wife back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my wife. Thanks for helping me Dr Akhere contact him on email: AKHERETEMPLE@gmail.com
or
call/whatsapp:+2349057261346