Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Take The Last Shuttle To Sexville

We've been scooping up frogs and bucketing them across Highway 30 for several years now, since that is the direction they insist on going in order to make replacement frogs, and we want them to keep doing that. Frogs have a number of obstacles in life. The other name for tadpoles, for instance, is "lunch." But even if they manage to grow right the heck up to full size, they're no match for a Chevy.

We've also been keeping nice data on them. We know exactly what sorts of conditions they require to make the trek (damp, dark, warmer than 43 degrees). Although, to be fair, we started out knowing that. It's in The Literature. The Literature is where all the scientific knowledge is stashed so no one needs to remember it. We do keep track of the sex of the frogs and the weather and the temperature and stuff. It helps us know when to be on the lookout. This season we had something like six frogs venture out over the course of a few weeks and then, bam, 345 in one night. You want to be prepared for a detonation like that.

One of the patterns we've noticed over the years is that the great frog migration is led by males. They'll be down at the pond telling tall tales and scoping out the competition weeks before the females make the trek. You can tell the males because they have long, uh, thumbs, and they're very avid. Boing! Boing! Boing! Also they're a lot smaller than females. This leads them to compensate, and for all we know, they're compensating away day and night down there in the pond once we let them go.

Later the females lug themselves down the hill with nothing like the verve of the males (or spunk, if you will). Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. It's hard to say whether they're just not as enthusiastic about the enterprise or if it's all that water weight. They're packing upwards of a thousand eggs each and, honey, it shows. They're one strand of elastic away from a world-class muffin-top. Perhaps there is some kind of primal drive getting them to the Mixer but it's entirely possible they just want to dump the eggs. As soon as they hit the water at least one male is going to want to grab on and squeeze and he's not about to be ditched at the punchbowl. He's on there until he gets something to fertilize--that's the nice term for it--and then he's all done and the female has to find someplace to arrange the eggs in a neat ball and then she bops back uphill, stretch marks and all. The guys hang out a little longer in case another lucky lady happens by looking for a big thumb.

Plus, a bonus salamander.
I don't know. I've never wanted to be a male but there are some things about the female condition that are not ideal. Primarily the bloat. I'd have been fine with lower pay and condescension if I could have negotiated away the bloat. If I were a frog I'd want to ditch those eggs all at once and as soon as possible.

In fact, I wouldn't have minded that option myself. It's one thing to harbor a pizza for a night or two and another thing altogether to suffer involuntary tissue turgidity once a month for decades, for no good reason. And to make it worse--it exactly coincides with the time everyone around you gets super annoying.

23 comments:

  1. I was reading a book (What the Dog Saw, a series of essays by Malcolm Gladwell) that said that human females were not meant to have so many periods, and this is only a recent development. For most of human existence, women just spat out one kid after another and then breast-fed for several years at a go. They "married" very young and they died much younger than we do. Hence, very few periods. The scientist who developed the birth control pill had said that there was no reason for a period, or to have that dummy bunch of pills in the pack to allow a woman to have a period. He just thought that women would find it "more natural" that way. All that time that I was taking the pill, I could have just thrown out the dummy pills, took the regular ones, and did without a period. Who knew?

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    1. Back before I went through "the change" I used the Nuvaring & only had a period once a quarter - and I only did it that often just to make sure everything was working correctly. It was fabulous!

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    2. There are both pros and cons about menopause, but for me the pros outweigh the cons. Pros: No periods, my skin finally cleared up, I developed boobs, I no longer have to worry about birth control. Cons: Hair losing volume where I WANT it (back of head and eyebrows) and gaining it where I don't want it (various parts of face). No longer "hot to trot" (which could be a blessing, as hormones made me make some unfortunate choices.) Stomach pooch, although I still keep myself thin. Fine lines ( thank the god that I do not believe in that I had really oily skin, or it could be worse.)

      All in all, though, I prefer menopause.

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    3. I did NOT know about the dummy pills. Sheesh. "More natural?" Sheesh. I only used the Pill for a couple years. But that was back when they were so packed with hormones they made you psychotic. After that I went with various things that could be accidentally left on the bathtub in my boyfriend's mother's house.

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    4. You grew post menopausal mammaries too? But I hate mine. I do like menopause tho. I think I lost more hemoglobin than most people manufacture in a lifetime.

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    5. I was totally flat-chested before menopause. Now I'm a 32D, so I'm not too top-heavy for my size, but finally look more like a female.

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    6. I hate my post-menopausal boobs too and wish they'd shrink away. Large grapefruit sized water balloons. At least I also developed fat in other areas so I don't look too much out of proportion.

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    7. Mine haven't changed size so much as they've started to wander.

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  2. It is so much simpler to be a male frog. Much less to worry about which is good because males have notably less capacity to worry about things. Sometimes they have to compensate for a shorter thumb, but that's about the only worry.

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  3. I love your writing style; how you can take science & make it funny!!

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    1. Everything is funny. Not everyone agrees with me, but I'm sticking with it.

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  4. Gotta love your creative titles. And of course, your writing style. Thanks for saving frogs. God knows they need a lot of help.

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  5. Hooray for helping frogs. And menopause. Decades ago a doctor (male of course) told me that women LIKED getting their periods. He was wrong (discounting the gratitude about not being pregnant issue).

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    1. I simply cannot imagine how he can make a statement like that.

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    2. Ugh. Some professionals . . . aren't.

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  6. I absolutely love that last sentence :)

    And the rest, too, but --- that last sentence!!

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  7. I don't recall any bloat, lucky me, but the rest of the process is just as annoying. I do feel sorry for the female frogs having to lug and give birth to thousands of fertile eggs all at once for several years.

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