Wednesday, January 2, 2019

Almost Well Done

The other day--you probably heard--a group of people working together stuck an entire robot on Mars. They totally did. They shot it out into space and time both, and sliced it through the Martian atmosphere just so, and figured out how to reach the brake pedal from here, and the little sucker ploopeted down to the dust and took a selfie. No it didn't. But it did take a picture of Mars.

And that's simply an extraordinary accomplishment. It would be for anybody, but I happen to be the kind of person you don't stand behind while playing horseshoes. I can't chuck bad fruit at the compost pile without having to mount a rescue mission in the neighbor's yard. I once missed my face with a toothbrush.

So that day, I celebrated the remarkable cleverness of humankind by putting my hand on the metal handle of a pan right out of the stove. I pulled the pan out of the oven with a proper mitt and left it on the stove top, and a short minute later I turned around and grobbed it by that handle, and searing commenced. Something made me let go of the handle right away, but not soon enough. That's the thing about too-hot. You get the message, but it takes an awful long time to get to the brain or even a spinal way-station, even when you're kind of short, and then it has to make it all the way back to your hand. Similarly, if you step into water that's way too hot, you have time to pull your foot out and pen an apology to your toes before the pain actually hits.

I'm not going to put any of the blame on the sympathetic nervous system. Mine is a system that doesn't give a shit about me one way or the other.

In order for the message of pain to get all the way from my burnt fingers to my spinal cord and back again, a series of electrical impulses needs to be sent along a neural pathway, in my case at a dead mosey. "Hey," my fingers say to my neurons, "here's a pigeon. Take this note to the people in charge and tell them we've got a situation here, and get back to me with instructions." And off they go, and probably miss the turn at the shoulder, whilst wondering what rhymes with "ouch" and what that smell is.

The thing keeping me out of worthwhile employment at NASA isn't the initial burning of the hand. It would be the repeated burning of the hand. I'm certain I will do this again. That's just how I broil. In my defense, I never owned a frying pan that went directly into the oven before now. So when I took it out and put it on the stovetop, in short order it looked like all the other frying pans I have known, none of which has been hostile.

Here's what I know. If I walked out of my house and saw a sinkhole appearing before me, I would not step in it. What I would do is turn around to go get my camera, and maybe pick up some dropped laundry and check my email, and then I'd go out and step in the sinkhole, because my default front yard doesn't have a sinkhole in it, and I got used to that.

The closest I can get to clever now is to deliberately introduce new habits for my increasingly perilous dotage: squaring up at the top of the stairs before going down, taking an extra second to plant my feet getting out of the shower, and now, leaving the oven mitt draped over the pan handle when I take it out of the oven. Orange safety cones won't work on me. I trip over those.

40 comments:

  1. Mars, eh? God of Whoa! I'm guessing that one-handed typing is the least of your worries?

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    1. No, that's right up there. I hate one-handed typing.

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  2. I've burnt my hand exactly the same way before. And not just once. I, too, now leave the oven mitt on the handle because I cannot remember two seconds from now that the handle is hot. Someone should invent a little covering for pan handles that can go directly into the oven and still keep our hands safe from burns. I'd definitely get one.

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    1. I thought I was pretty clever to come up with the leave-the-mitt-on plan. Now let's see if I remember to do it.

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    2. Actually, mimi, someone has -- I have one that was given to me many years ago. It's a tube of quilted material with one end closed. Fits right on the handle. It was hand-made, so I'm not sure if they're widely available or not, though.

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    3. Referred to as "the weenie warmer" around here.

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    4. There is definitely such a product! My daughter has a few. Wonderful things
      . Unfortunately I don't know who makes them...but i'll try to find out.

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    5. omg a 'weenie warmer'. As if Murr doesn't have enough ammunition to make hilarious blog posts concerning poo, now she has 'weenie warmer' to work with...

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    6. Weenie warmer. Weenie warmer. Weenie warmer.

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    7. But if these weenie warmers are quilted cloth, can they go in the oven without catching fore? Or do you have to remember to put them on before taking the pan out of the oven? Something oven-proof that stays cool would be better I'm thinking, like silicon which some cake pans and muffin pans are now made out of.

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    8. See, it's easy to remember to put them on when you're taking something out of the oven. That's just normal. So you put in on the handle as you're taking it out, and then you leave it on.

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  3. I am laughing at your wit and hope that your burn heals. I just burned myself the other day on the rack in the oven while removing the New Year's lamb roast...in my defense it was all the smoke coming out of the oven that blocked my vision. Love that space stuff. Happy New Year.

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    1. Oh goodie. Another reason to say no to lamb. Dave loves lamb. I think it tastes like grease.

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    2. My mother used to buy lanolin lotion in bulk. Lamb smells like that. I had a fraught relationship with my mother, so I say no to lamb, too. Humans is complicated. Any idea what compelling thought you were thinking just before you grabbed that handle?

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    3. Santa brought my hubby a handmade wooden oven rack tool he found at a local handmade goods bazaar. So far we've (ie, I've) used it to hang pictures and to get an ornament off the tree that twas too high for me to reach after I'd put the chair away.
      I'm still sharing this helpful tip even though you've disparaged my favorite meat.

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    4. I love lamb. I much prefer it to beef, now that they seem to have bred all the flavor out of cows to make them less "fatty". Fat equals flavor. If a person want to eat less fat, become a vegan, FFS.

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    5. Nance, my compelling thought was "I need to flip the stuff in this pan." I'm an uncomplicated person. Sorry, Kat. It's nothing personal. I can do without beef too. If it weren't for pork and chicken, I'd probably be off meat by now, instead of in a couple years. Apropos of nothing, I really like weenies.

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  4. I'll bet those people who managed to get the robot to Mars do the same thing when they're home.

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    1. Oh, hey, that's a sunny take on the subject! Thanks!

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  5. Much of my life is spent recovering from things I did while not paying enough attention. In one week in November I burned the crap out if my arm on the 450 degree oven door, then managed to slam my hand in a patio door because the light outside was amazing and I needed to take pictures fast.

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    1. I keep saying I fall down a lot, and that's kind of true, but really there was this ONE year when I fell down spectacularly three or four times, and I haven't done it so much since.

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  6. I am glad to learn that my slow-learning klutzy self is not alone. And have resisted frying pans which can also go in the oven because of my justifiable lack of trust in myself.

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    1. I never even thought about the danger. I kept running into recipes that called for a frying pan going straight from the stovetop to the oven.

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  7. My husband did something similar a long time ago. Picked up a hot-handled pot to take to the other side of the kitchen. Realized halfway there how hot it was. Jogged all the way back across the kitchen to re-deposit it on the stove. It was a long narrow kitchen and the extra travelling didn't help his hand any. I'd like to say he learned his lesson, but he continues to try to do the same thing; the only difference now is that we live in a different place and the distance from stove to anyplace else is shorter. Also, I watch him like a hawk around the kitchen :)

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    1. Oh my lord. What presence of mind. What kind of meat does scorched human smell like?

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    2. Smelled like swearing that day :)

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  9. Many years ago I stuck a whole hand and part of my arm into a deep pot I was boiling water in for canning something. The water was so clear and I wanted to retrieve something or other. OW. But I had an aloe plant so I cut open some fronds or whatever they are called and smeared gel all over my hand and arm. Worked great, and I gave up canning.

    And there are knitting patterns for weinie warmers. Some knitters will knit anything, I guess. I'm not one of them but there is such a thing on Ravelry if you want to continue your knitting hobby.

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    1. "...and I gave up canning."
      So far I've shown no signs of continuing my knitting hobby, but I DO have a pussy hat worth about $800 assuming minimum wage for labor, and I might need it again soon.

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  10. Pot handle covers:
    https://www.webstaurantstore.com/3355/pot-and-pan-handle-covers.html

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  11. Very smart idea to have Pootie right there with an extinguisher handy.
    So "they" finally got to Mars? That's quite an achievement.

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    1. Innit? And I just saw a really cool thing on the public station about the little thing we shot out there past Pluto. Taking pictures of sky potatoes, and everything.

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  12. You are one funny (though klutzy) lady. Your posts are hilarious!!

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    1. Thanks. That's so much better than being klutzy and sad.

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  13. Laughing, of course, but practically speaking, there are silicone oven mitts that can go up to 500 degrees (I hear). Could maybe use a fat finger off one of those? That’s 10 handles. Note: don’t use remaining palms and sleeves are oven mitts.
    https://smile.amazon.com/Resistant-Silicone-Grilling-Waterproof-Barbecues/dp/B07D3F184G/ref=sr_1_4_sspa?ie=UTF8&qid=1546542814&sr=8-4-spons&keywords=Silicone+oven+mitts&psc=1

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  14. Fred Meyer has JUST THE THING, a silicone frying pan handle cover for about $9.00
    https://direct.fredmeyer.com/00075536056418.html?&cid=ps_adw_fmdPRODUCT_GROUP&gclid=CjwKCAiAgrfhBRA3EiwAnfF4tnU6FJirvU42d9WCvBtcxqdfn-rOE1ItKWePxheRhzydNodyoOesRhoCUG4QAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

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  15. I may just check it out, inasmuch as I'm not feeling lucky.

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