Saturday, March 31, 2018

Brain Lube

Dear Facebook thread person,

I'm back. I had a sudden need for a beer, and now I feel calmer.

With regard to your suggestion that we "agree to disagree LOL," fine. We can agree to disagree on the topics of abortion and where exactly to draw the line on socialism, and we can move on. As for the rest, I will agree to disagree with you right after I finish discussing trouser design with a sea urchin. At that point I will consider your suggestion, if you complete and submit the following exam. Please use the #2 pencil you will find up your butt.

1. Look at the following graph depicting global temperature rise and atmospheric carbon concentration over the last two hundred years. Are the two lines:
     A. Similar
     B. Different
     C. Matched up snugger than lube in a rectum

2. Explain the semantic difference between the theory of evolution and that theory you have about the pharmaceutical industry slipping vaccines in Skittles in order to make a killing on autism medication later.

3. Re: Colin Kaepernick's demonstration of discontent during the national anthem. Was he:
     A. Protesting the American flag?
     B. Disrespecting our armed forces?
     C. Other?
Support your answer using original source material (Colin Kaepernick's own words).

Not him. You don't know him.
4. If you answered A or B above, name at least one African-American friend of yours, and the amount of time you have listened to them explain what the Black Lives Matter movement means to them, without interrupting.

5. Essay: Write 500 words about that time someone online called you a racist and it really really pissed you off for days because nobody has any goddam right to make assumptions about you when they don't even know you. What can we learn about how that feels?

6. On a scale of one to ten, how likely do you think it is that Hillary Clinton was personally involved in a child molestation ring out of a pizza joint in Washington, D.C. while simultaneously selling uranium to the Ukraine and arranging for the murder of up to a dozen individuals?

7. If you answered any number higher than zero, above, does this indicate Ms. Clinton's superior stamina and skill, or Satanic possession?

8. Take a look at the following two photographs: a diverse intact mountain ecosystem in West Virginia, and a poisoned, barren butte emptied of coal, all of which has already been burned up. List ten advantages of each. If you cite "bocce ball" as a plus in the barren-butte column, please note the last time you got on your hands and knees to personally admire a salamander. If you can't remember, please go back to your childhood and start the fuck over. Get a decent education along the way, with a foundation of critical thinking skills and a good grounding in science and history.

If you then make it past voting age and still want to agree to disagree, we can discuss appropriate medication at that time.

42 comments:

  1. Just one of the reasons I stay the hell off FaceBook -- it gives these people a platform from which to spout their ignorance. I come across enough of these fucktards just by going about with my life. I don't need to seek them out.

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    1. Everyone's FB page is different because everyone has different friends. I enjoy mine a lot. It's THICK with birders. And I rarely get into it on my own threads. But sometimes someone ELSE's friends are the problem, on their own threads. I don't have to engage, but if I get enough beer in me and it's late at night, well...

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    2. Oh, I've been there! Whoever invents a breathalizer app to keep one from commenting on social media when one is soused will make a fortune.

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  2. Will you be grading on a curve??

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  3. I cannot fathom how people believe without testing the facts. Just because you want it to be true does not make it so. Our planet is in terrible trouble these days.

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  4. QED. Demonstrating yet again how brainwashing can be really effective when bible interpreters and the monosyllabic tabloids are your PhD advisors.

    XO
    WWW

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    1. I really used to enjoy a little repartee among disagreeing friends who operate, more or less, out of the same news sources and data sets.

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  5. You've nailed it!
    I saw a bumper sticker that said: Don't believe everything you think.
    Good advice I'd say.

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    1. That is my all-time favorite bumper sticker. And it applies to one's emotional health as well. Love it.

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    2. I need that bumper sticker. Murr you’ve been on my FB page! Love this bunches!

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  6. What kind of people are you hanging out with now, for pete's sake?? Anyway, I'd get your TA to do the grading on this one.

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    1. Not MY friends. OTHER people's friends.

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  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  8. There, all typos have now been fixed, I think . . .

    What I was trying to say was: if this was written when you were calmer, I'd not like to have been in the vicinity prior to the beer!

    This is, as mimimanderly said, why I stay off Facebook. Well, off certain accounts, at least. There is nothing you can do to change people's minds, and it only raises your own blood pressure.

    But . . . blog post!

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    1. I definitely monitor how much crap I read, and adjust accordingly. I'm careful of my mental health. But sometimes I think my mental health would be much improved with the use of some sort of bludgeon to other people's mental regions.

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  9. You remind me that I am glad that I have never joined the FB train. My responses to such individuals would not be nearly as calm and reasoned as yours.

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    1. I like FB. Not too many of us who'll say that out loud. But--you call this calm and reasoned? :)

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    2. Calmer and more reasoned than the psycho bitch who lives inside me would allow me to be.

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  10. Be still, my heart! This will be my *go to* link when I find myself in need of words.

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  11. Murr, I've read your blog for several months. And I love it. But tonite you are my hero. You can't win an argument with them, but you can destroy them with humor.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Dennis! Humor helps everything.

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  12. I hope he/she washes that number 2 pencil before answering the questions (*~*)
    You've picked up a spammer.

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    1. Familiar with that spammer. He/she likes to dump on about twenty of my posts at once. I scrub the recent ones and then get bored.

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  13. Spambot and I apperciate this very nice post,really. P.S. I’ll bet this one was FUN to write. I have some robocallers I’d like you to deal with live, so I can listen.

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    1. I used to do that for fun, when I still answered the phone.

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  14. Thank you not only for a guffaw, but for enough ammunition to slay several of my online acquaintances.

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    1. Zombie-like, they rise from every attempt to bury them.

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  15. The sun laughs at people who think that humans have changed the climate.

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    Replies
    1. That's only because the sun is cheerful and doesn't give a shit.

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  16. I love this . . . and wish I had your talent to write it and your courage to post it. I have been furious all week about two memes posted by old acquaintances. Yes, I still have a few of those on FB. One was that Anderson Cooper, "an out gay man," has no authority to talk about morals. The other was about the need to drug test all food stamp recipients. The need to bludgeon is strong. I've been thinking about leaving FB, but can't let them have the whole field.

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    1. Oh my, those are some doozies, all right. Where to start?

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  17. You're just asking those quesitons because George Soros sent you talking points, aren't you?

    Seriously, though, I've almost managed to purge internet arguments from my life. It all started when I realized that my uncle never read the articles he was forwarding me, so debating the merits of the articles was a waste of time.

    This post should go viral or completion of the quesitons should be a prerequisite for friending someone on social media!

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    1. I'm still waiting for my check from Soros.

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  18. I love reading your blog and have often thought I should comment, but your commenters are as clever as you! However, I have to comment here. I want to copy this out whole and send it to a large portion of my family. This is absolutely brilliant! Thank you!

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    1. Hey, you've commented before, I know you can do it again! Please feel free to share as much as you want.

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