Saturday, February 17, 2018

Quantum Alchemy

I'm obliged to frequent commentatrix Knittergran for pointing me to the amazing Crystal Light Bed. The Crystal Light Bed allows you to cleanse, balance, and align your energies, and if you go to a reputable dealer, you can even commune with certain curated angels, arranged alphabetically from Ariel to Zadkiel. As these things go, this sounds promising to me, inasmuch as my favorite state of being is horizontal.

The Crystal Light Bed is used by various practitioners around the world although it was invented by someone named John Of God, who sounds plenty qualified to me right there. One such is Kalisa Augustine (Kalisa Of Brooklyn), who, according to her website, uses spiritual technology and quantum alchemy to detoxify and purify the electromagnetic field, and Lord knows somebody needed to do that after all these years of neglect. Quantum alchemy is best left to the most certifiable masters of charlatanism, so it is comforting to note that Kalisa is quite blonde and has a nice set of credentials on her.

The basic idea of the Crystal Light Bed is simple. The client lies down on an ordinary massage table, facing up, and seven quartz crystals are set dangling twelve inches above his seven major chakras, pointy side down. Edgar Allan Poe probably had a bed just like it. The seven chakras are aligned, ideally, at various points along the body's median strip from crotch to bald spot, so the crystals are arranged like track lighting. Oh, they're also lit up with colors that match the accompanying chakra color, and polished with a holy shamwow. I would imagine the array concentrates the mind wonderfully, especially the crystal hovering above the Root Chakra. (Don't bother googling the Root Chakra. You all know perfectly well where that is.)

Ms. Augustine of Brooklyn goes on to explain that a crystal's natural structure is a six-sided prism with a terminated end. You definitely don't want the kind of end that goes on and on. This is not actually accurate with regard to any number of crystals I can think of, but it does describe quartz, so we'll let it go this time. She says crystals share this configuration with water and energy molecules.

[Energy molecules are principally composed of excitement atoms and zest, and remain mysterious to science to this day.]

In a nutshell, Kalisa's crystal bed is a "multisensory, meditative, cleansing experience that takes you into greater realms of depth." In fact, you can't really get much deeper.

I am not by nature wooful, but I accept that I too have at least seven chakras, in the same way I accept that I harbor a spleen, somewhere. I'm not intimate with them. The meridians are the pathways for the qi between the various chakras, as I understand it, and it's important to keep them reamed out so you don't clog your life force. This is all somewhat more challenging for me, because one side of my chest--for the moment, we're going to refer to these as "sides of my chest"--is much bigger than the other side of my chest, and that throws off the meridians, which have to make a little pivot halfway to my brain. In general, any sort of reboot of my spiritual body is going to be problematic, because I haven't even taken it out of the box yet.

They don't have a crystal light bed for every possibility. Some believe there are as many as twelve chakras, and the extraneous ones are located outside of the body. For instance, the galactic chakra (#11) is located just above the solar chakra, somewhere above your head where the lightbulb would be if you had a thought, and allows you to transcend space and time and even access the Akashic Records, the library of all that was ever or will ever be human. This is not as big a deal now since the Akashic Records went digital. The Universal Chakra (#12) is even farther out. Theoretically, with the universal chakra you can achieve enlightenment and operate all your devices at once, but it never works as advertised.

Basically, the 12th chakra is out there with Pluto, and I hope they're having a good time. We're not going to worry about it now. It's not practical to make a Crystal Light Bed for all the chakras that might potentially be found. You'd end up sleeping inside a geode.

41 comments:

  1. "
    In a nutshell, Kalisa's crystal bed is a "multisensory, meditative, cleansing experience that takes you into greater realms of depth." In fact, you can't really get much deeper."

    Not without waders.

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    1. In fact, raise your arm & save the watch, 'cause the waders are ruined.

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  2. I'll make sure my daughter read this so that she can fully understand and appreciate her experience. Fun post!

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    1. Oh, did she try it? Thanks for the tip!

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    2. Not intentionally---she entered a raffle but not specifically for this. She won this. So why not go and have a topic of conversation!

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  3. "... if you had a thought ..."
    Big if.
    (Not you. Them.)

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    1. I think you can buy thoughts on amazon now.

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  4. Hasn't the 12th chakra been demoted to a "dwarf" chakra? (Not that we should judge anyone by their companions, of course.)

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    1. I'd say so. From my point of view I don't see this as a demotion, but I'm in a tiny minority.

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    2. HAHAHA!! I see what you did there Murr, being in the "tiny majority" myself :)

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    3. Funny, you'd think it'd be over your head!

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  5. I'm no expert, but looking at the photo of "Kalisa", I'd be a bit skeptical simply because I know she wasn't born with lips, eyes, and a jawline like that. Heck, Dad Downs even thought we should be mistrustful of hussies who were "bottle-blondes".......

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  6. On another note.....reading your post jettisoned me back to a time in Rick Leffer's basement in Arlington VA, when he gleefully demonstrated his small collection of bogus 'health appliances'.

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  7. I seriously can't figure out how people can believe in ideas like this. The term "snake oil salesman" comes to mind. Haven't we progressed at all? It would seem not, judging by the proliferation of these sorts of charlatans.

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    1. Was snake oil oil from a snake or was it something you lube your snake with, anyway?

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    2. OK...I need a reliable coffee/snot/saliva remover: keyboard application.

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  8. Also, Pootie's eyes look mine feel when I read about chakras and crystals and Qi. Present post excepted, of course.

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  9. My favorite state of being, too, is horizontal. But by the time I got to "the most certifiable masters of charlatanism," I was laughing so hard that I realized I would have to read this aloud to the spouse. Took 32 minutes because we were both laughing so hard that our chakras dang nigh came unhinged and we were fearful they might spin off to join the "12th chakra" with Pluto and Goofy.

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  10. Girl, please. Of all the stuff nobody knows about yet, we don’t know the half of it. We should try to remember that.

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    1. I'll bet the stuff I don't know is bigger and more important than the stuff you don't know. Believe me.

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  11. My chakras blink in rainbow colors for this post.

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  12. "...and polished with a holy shamwow." Perfect!

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    1. I miss that dude. Did he die or explode or get imprisoned or something?

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  13. If my shamwow had been holy, maybe it would have worked as advertised. I have a set of chakra crystals, but mine are more like little pebbles in different colours, amethyst, crysoprase, citrine and so on. I've never used them and don't even know where they are right now. I think sleeping in a geode might be interesting if each joint had a fairy light strung to it.
    I thought the last Angel was Zekiel, but I could be wrong. Maybe there's two Z's.

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    1. I copied it straight from John of God's site, because I am angel-ignorant and figured he had the inside scoop.

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  14. It just made me happy, happier than I've felt in a days, to know that people are bring recruited to lie on a Crystal Light Bed as a way to feel better and rectify the imbalances of life. There are so many other possible remedies for feeling sad, powerless, disconnected, grieved, deprived, angered, resentful, lonely, and abandoned. This remedy possibly hurts no one, other than cleaning their pockets; practitioners of Crystal Light Bed Reposing are probably not being recruited by the gun lobby or packs of Russian trolls to fix their issues in other ways. Go, Kalisa. Dangle those dazzling pointy things. Let your little light shine.

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    1. You make a number of interesting dazzling points there.

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  15. "It's important to keep them reamed out so you don't clog your life force." I forget to ream mine out from time to time. At least I have to assume that's why things go all haywire from time to time.

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    1. I absolutely love the expression "go haywire" and I use it as much as I possibly can.

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  16. Replies
    1. Little dickens has been sitting in a chair like that for days, and it's freaking me out.

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