Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Ready, Set, Hunker!

North Dakota, 1939
Populations affected by the recent polar vortex bomb cyclone have been advised to unhunker carefully, as scientists and other liberals are warning of worse to come. As noted elsewhere, the latest arctic blast was particularly widespread, with sleet grenades reported as far south as Texas, and experts caution the public to remain wary of exploding residual land mines loaded with frozen ass shards.

Another big blow is forecast, but nobody is expected to enjoy it. This year's Nor'easters are predicted to be more than usually violent and may degenerate into widespread rioting and looting. It is recommended that those who must venture outdoors obtain a Sou'wester fitted with a retractable awning and a portable laser weapon system. This may offer limited protection against the anticipated storm of frozen-off testicles, some up to three inches in diameter, which are anticipated to pile up in drifts up to two feet in unsheltered areas; after their initial deposition, these are not expected to be a hazard to the public until the first thaw.

In the West, expect atmospheric rivers to surpass flood stage, although insurance industry estimates of damage to structures, initially predicted to be high, should ease after mudslides of biblical proportions obliterate all evidence of previous habitation.

Elsewhere, expect generalized pestilence and intermittent outbursts of contagion as legacy zombie viruses newly released from melting permafrost begin to migrate down a low pressure trough. Poxy pockets with periods of pus are possible, and storm systems previously ferrying a cargo of locusts from sub-Saharan Africa are now likely to pick up massive mutated futuristic death crickets as well. Shingles is another possibility, although it will be restricted to just one hemisphere at a time.

Not all is lost: there is some hope that snow accumulations in Florida will raise the elevation sufficient to withstand rising sea levels, at least until next summer. Nothing, however, is expected to dislodge the persistent system of climate-change denial which invariably forms an obstinate gyre anywhere money meets greed.

Extreme drought in some areas has become so entrenched, however, that estimates of its duration are now being revised several months back in time, to achieve proper direness. Officials of the Pirates' Mutual Benefit Association recommend that the remaining molecules of water be captured in small plastic bottles and distributed to those in need at a 10,000% markup. This should supply continued funding to maintain misinformation sites well into the future, although even now the truth has  been unable to withstand the stubborn high pressure area parked over the Petroleum Institute.

Climate scientists peevishly remind us that recent extreme cold weather events do not mean the climate is not warming, but that climate warming should result in localized weather phenomena that will be ever crappier. If you had crappy weather before, you are now looking at a shit blizzard. Doots of doom are headed your way.

Here in the Pacific Northwest, where we have been accustomed to quite moderate weather conditions, we have been warned that the climate should become even more moderate, eventually reaching maximal averageness. In some localized areas such as Portland, a typical resident might be able to get by wearing the same stinky hoodie every day of the year, and don't think he won't.

24 comments:

  1. My husband always said that Delaware had "boring weather." Alas, he can no longer say that. I miss our boring, moderate weather.

    As for "zombie viruses" being released from the permafrost in the north, perhaps that is how the infamous "zombie apocalypse" will happen. After all, it is written in the books of GRR Martin, so it must happen, right? (That line of reasoning works for devotées of the Bible.... Why not for other works of fiction?)

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    1. I'm starting to believe there is no such thing as fiction. Certainly, I couldn't have written what's going on now and had anyone believe it.

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  2. Doots of Doom would be a good name for a rock band.

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    1. Doot, doot, doot, lookin' out my back door.

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  3. Here along the Canadian border we're still waiting for a wall to keep out their weather, but the polar vortex bomb cyclone is usually referred to as "Thursday". On the other hand things have changed noticeably in the last thirty years.

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  4. How do you EVER pry your tongue out of your cheek after writing your posts, Murr!! Thank you for another fine post with too many good lines to quote them all, but rest assured they have been enjoyed. And I do realize you are saying something serious at the heart of it. Witness the California landslide of a day ago, for starters.

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    1. I did write this before those landslides, but it was a pretty safe bet, right?

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  5. Thanks making this frozen body laugh. Ice crystals shattered everywhere on the floor.

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    1. Gosh, it's dipped all the way into the thirties here...where's my hoodie?

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  6. My fear is that, when the snow accumulates on the valley floor, the sabertooth mammoths will slink down among us, and, when we least expect it, tread us into the slush, then slurp us up like pork-flavored snow cones.

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    1. WELL, now that you've brought that up, that's my fear too.

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  7. I can hear the Hollywood pencil sharpeners whirring from here...

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    1. What a delightfully anachronistic image!

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  8. And down here in Baja Arizona we are having a mini-cold wave - dropped into the 60's today - although it should be back up into the 70's by the weekend. Y'all can laugh in 6 months when it's 105 here. And in 6 years when the Colorado runs dry.

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    1. You won't catch me laughing at you. Those kind of temperatures make me insane. Although nobody can tell the difference.

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  9. Well, since I live in the Northeast and subject to Nor'easters, I am heading out to find a suitable Sou'wester ASAP and hope that it will protect me from those frozen off testicles!

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    1. I wonder if they make hard-hat Sou'westers?

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  10. Back here in DC, when the polar vortex bomb hit last week, I fell to my knees and thanked the good lord for those arctic temperatures. Ever since the millenials started invading the city, there have been a record number of new bars and restaurants that have opened up. And that means that we have had a city-wide rat epidemic for the past 2 years. No neighborhood seems to be exempt, and things are so dire that the Mayor has declared a 'war on rats' and is demonstrating to citizens how to kill rats by filling their burrows with dry ice. So when the cold weather came, I knew it was exactly what we needed to effect a significant reduction in our rat population....
    In any event, I knew that the cold snap couldn't possibly last too long, what with POTUS spewing out such a volume of hot air.....

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    1. I remember reading somewhere about the differences in rat infestations in various cities, and the cities that were doing well were better at garbage collection. But I specifically remember Marion Barry cleaned that up, didn't he?

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  11. Now I'm envisioning piles of frozen testicles. Thanks the THAT image.

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    1. "for" that. Must get more coffee.

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    2. We're all friends here and we mentally edit y'all so you don't have to.

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