Ah, man, I can't stay mad at Louis C.K.I know I'm supposed to. There are rules. And currently the rule is anyone who does anything creepy to an unwilling woman or girl is off the planet. We are so done with that. Out goes the bathwater: screw the baby. "He was one of my heroes," people say, "but now he's dead to me."
He's not dead to me. He is brilliant and funny, my two favorite things. This is a man who managed to express my precise opinion on abortion, hilariously. That shouldn't even be possible. I like him a whole lot and that hasn't changed. I'm not suggesting other people should feel the same way. You should feel what you feel.
Actually, my transgression is even worse. I didn't even get mad at Louis C.K. I was just like, aww, dude.
I've had my own stories of contending with bad or worse male behavior. But I do not maintain a reservoir of rage that must be kept on boil. I know people who can steam for days over a perceived slight from a store clerk. I'm luckier: there's nothing that has ever been done to me that I haven't quickly either forgotten or forgiven. I'm not proud of this, because I didn't have to work at it. It's as natural to me as my eye color.
People can't understand how someone they admire can have this awful dark side. It doesn't make sense to them. But humans don't necessarily make sense. Humans are complicated. They're big bulgy bags of contradictions: they're full of heart and full of shit both; they're a cluster bomb of bon-bons and thumbtacks and honey and bullets. There may be no way to reconcile the contradictions, but it is thumpingly obvious they exist. And they're not rare.
Most of us have things we're ashamed of, that we won't tell anybody. It's the human condition, but it does seem like you're in for a harder haul of it if you own a penis. Them little buggers is opinionated. And there aren't too many guys who aren't going to give those opinions some weight. "I don't know," they'll say to their penises. "That seems wrong. Still, you make a good point."
Sheep. Knotholes. The neighbor's wife. Or daughter. Guaranteed there's more than one man in this world who is in love with his sofa, and its soft vinyl buttons. Or your sofa. There's a load of shame out there. Maybe someone will just be a garden-variety adulterer. Maybe he'll go to his grave knowing he was as good as he could be, but wishing he'd scrubbed his browser history first.
And yes, I know that there is a difference between having urges and acting on them, and between acting on them appropriately and foisting them on others. There's also a difference in the effect a person might have on others. In identical scenarios, one victim might be scarred for life, and another not even consider herself a victim. There's a huge range of misbehaviors and reactions to those misbehaviors.
We once had a mayor and governor who arguably did more than any other person to make Portland what it is; he was smart, powerful, a visionary. We were poised to be another sprawling, car-centric metropolis, but instead we are now a tidy, contained bundle of vibrant neighborhoods, and a crucible of creativity. We will always be in this man's debt. But he groomed a 14-year-old girl for sex, kept it quiet for decades, and was never brought to justice. Now this man cannot even show his face in this town. Doesn't matter what else he did.
The patriarchy hurts men, also.
I don't condone any of this shit. But I don't write people off readily. Maybe it's easier to see things in black and white, but I can't do it. I'm going to draw a distinction between a congressman who sends dick pics and disgraces himself, and a president who boasts of overpowering women he does not even consider fully human. I'm willing to ignore a senator who plays footsie in the bathroom stall to negotiate sex with strangers--unless he has made a point of pushing anti-gay legislation. I understand the malignant role of power when a movie mogul forces himself on starlets; I'm less persuaded that Louis C.K. was in a similar position of power, although that case has been made. Louis C.K. has a personal problem that he made someone else's problem, but he was his own worst victim: he humiliated himself. By his own hand. As it were.
How can a man as brilliant as he is also be a portly old wanker? Well, he is. And that doesn't erase the good.
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Well said, Murr. The bad doesn't erase the good any more than the inverse does. I feel that way about Kevin Spacey. He was always one of my favorite actors. I knew that if he was in a film, I would probably like it. In fact, American Beauty and The Usual Suspects are still two of my favorite films. I'm not going to stop watching his movies because he did something terrible; they are still good movies. I'm more disappointed in him than anything. Like, dude -- you were one of the best actors all away because of your dick. Now, he'll be lucky if he can ever get a job again. I hope he invested his money wisely.
ReplyDeleteI wish there were some way to edit this. I lost connectivity while typing. Should read: "you were one of the best actors and you threw it all away because of your dick. I need to look at the screen more when I type.
DeleteNot to worry--we all inserted that clause in there for you. I think you can delete and start over but that's a pain when you've written a lot.
DeleteI like Kevin Spacey too. He looks a little like my brother.
I hadn't heard about Kevin Spacey; The Usual Suspects is one of my favourite movies, I think it's on one of my usb's, and I won't skip over watching it, just because I now know about Kevin Spacey.
DeleteI'm with you on this one, Murr. I spent my day off yesterday watching Louie C.K. specials on Netflix. He is brilliant. And his transgression is NOT on the same level as Weinstein's or Cosby's.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I don't know how he pulls off some of the stuff he does. Not meaning his pants.
DeleteYou're always just right. I was nodding my head the whole read. Jeez Louise, we're grownup animals. If you don't want it, just don't participate. I could also add don't get your plumage all gussied if you ain't looking to attract a mate, but that would start a whole 'nother argument. The kids, though, that's just a no, no, no, not ever.
ReplyDeleteOh, I suspect they all got caught up there, it being such a surprising development--I can see, if I had been there, and been such a fan of his, I would have stayed put, just not knowing if it was a joke or what. I mean, who prepares for that? And then you just sit there all embarrassed. Ridiculous situation he put those women in, and I doubt he has much insight into it himself. I don't think I would have felt threatened, just--eww.
DeleteWell-stated. I don't know this person or what he does, did. While I don't condone wicked behavior, I feel bad for those who "maintain a reservoir of rage." They suffer at the hands of the perpetrator, then they continue to suffer from the self-inflicted wounds of rage-maintenance.
ReplyDeleteI feel bad for them too, but I also give them a wide berth. I don't care for people being angry at me, and it's just a matter of time, with my mouth.
DeleteSomeone once told me that carrying rage or resentment is like eating rat poison, then waiting for the rat to die. That stuck.
DeleteOh, that's good. I wonder if it can be taught? As I said, I've always been this way, so didn't have to learn it.
DeleteI continue to be rather speechless over parts of CK's statement. This part. "At the time, I said to myself that what I did was O.K. because I never showed a woman my dick without asking first, which is also true. But what I learned later in life, too late, is that when you have power over another person, asking them to look at your dick isn’t a question. It’s a predicament for them." Obviously, as you say, having one of those organs seems to subject some people to unwanted thoughts and inspiration for inappropriate behavior. Like typing "showing a woman my dick" in a statement where your intent, presumably, is to apologize for and lessen the shock, embarrassment and distaste of...having shown women your dick. Was it supposed to be funny? Maybe it is funny. YOU are definitely funny, and forgiving, and I'm so glad I get to read your blog. I laugh out loud and I think a lot after. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I don't think he was trying to be funny with that. He had/has a strange compulsion that he can't reconcile with his own views on the dynamics between men and women. I'm sure he rigged up excuses for himself until he was forced to think about it harder. He's a remarkably forthright man, apparently unafraid of talking about his own demons, but that doesn't mean he hasn't fooled himself.
DeleteWe must be fourth cousins or something because way too frequently to be coincidence, you describe me when you describe yourself. I don't bear grudges, either. Well, except for that too-pretty cheerleader who stole my bracelet that time (back in high school). She had perfect teeth, too.
ReplyDeleteThat bitch.
DeleteBrilliantly said. Thank you. "The patriarchy hurts men, too" is so true. A man can't say anything these days without first grovelling in apology for the shortcomings of half of the human race. That is wrong.
ReplyDeleteThe current prevailing view is that they should suck it up and keep their traps shut and just listen, and there's value to that, but I agree with you. For instance, I think I get away with my own viewpoint here expressed, but wouldn't if I were a man with the same perspective.
DeleteOh, everyone gets a second act in America — Weiner, Marv Albert, Mel Gibson, etc. To many of the folk piling on Louis CK via social media, I bet he was already “dead to them” in the sense they just didn’t think he was funny. Now they can be righteous about it.
ReplyDeleteIn 24 months or so he’ll be out performing on his version of a “redemption” tour.
God, I hope so. I think he will come back, and I think he'll give it a lot of time (he basically just said it was his turn to shut up and listen now). And when he does come back, he'll tackle it all head-on and honestly, and he won't spare himself at all. He never does.
DeleteHoney and bullets...
ReplyDeleteI like that a lot!
Well, I like honey!
DeleteI'm so glad I'm female. Having a penis seems to be a real liability. That said, half the human race has to deal with the pros and cons of having one, some better than others. What boggles my mind, in addition to those who use penis ownership as an excuse for behaving badly, are all those self righteous people, without sin, living in glass houses and still throwing stones.
ReplyDeleteYou should have a newspaper column to share your wit and brilliance with the world. It might give pause to those glass house dwellers.
Thought provoking stuff, as usual.
Dang, would that come with a salary??
DeleteI can remember seeing a comedy skit of a man being pulled around the room by his penis. I laughed, and acknowledged its (probable) truth.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, we are indeed a bundle of contradictions. All of us.
I don't keep a lot of (my own) secrets. But there are some I won't share with the world, and some I won't share with many of my friends. Right now I can't think of one I wouldn't spill to at least one friend.
DeleteI googled this Louis fellow (the picture threw me at first and I thought it was some ig-noble man of French persuasion) and I'm no wiser. Never heard of him.Apparently he's very funny, but has a zipper problem. And he's Mexican
ReplyDeleteHe's a genius. I believe his mother is Mexican? Here's a good Louis CK Starter Clip, if I can get it to light up for you.
DeleteI feel badly about Kevin Spacey, Mel Gibson & Bill Cosby. They are all talented men, but...!!
ReplyDeleteYup. Well I don't know about Mel Gibson. Something about his particular transgressions really pushed my buttons, but I wasn't a fan to begin with, so...
DeleteI've never done or thought about anything shameful or embarrassing. Ooops! No, that's the imaginary me. I honestly never heard of this CK guy before all this. Maybe if I come out of the forest someday...
ReplyDeleteYou just stay put and think about what you done.
DeleteYeah, I should never resort to begging again.
DeleteI don't know who this Louis CK is, but I'm always disappointed to find someone has been or is an abuser, no matter if they are celebrities or other people in power, or just any unknown human. I don't hold white hot rage over it though.
ReplyDeleteI think we're getting a regular avalanche of that now. Floodgates are open. It's all good--but stay tuned for the backlash.
DeleteI agree. I was afraid there is something wrong with me that I'm not outraged enough about some of these stories. Rape? Of course not. Making someone afraid and cornering them in a small space and assaulting them? Very bad. But other stuff is a grayer area. I have no feelings about Louis CK because I haven't seen him that much. But George Takei? I'm going to cut him some slack. He's done a lot of good and nothing he seems to have done is all that terrible to me.
ReplyDeleteI'm having trouble keeping up with the list of names, as I don't watch TV or listen to the radio (both are just too depressing/aggravating. ) And our local paper is crap -- literally. I get a paper because it's the most cost-efficient way to line my parrot cages. George Takei? Mel Gibson? If we're going to blacklist everyone in Hollywood who has ever engaged in "the grey area", they may as well fold up all the production companies right now. We'll go back to telling stories around the fire. Sure, something has to be done, but I'm not quite sure what. I know that putting talented actors/comedians/directors out of business is NOT the answer. Although I'm disappointed in their actions, I'm not "outraged," and will continue to watch their movies/stand-up routines, etc.
DeleteI really wish I knew what the answer was... how to stop this from happening, and what an acceptable "punishment" was. I've read that in Canada, they have a sort of "sliding scale" for this sort of thing. Just as in the USA, we have various degrees of murder, with premeditated murder being the worst, self defense being acceptable, Canada has rape being the worst and things like verbal harassment being not so much. Seems like a place to start.
I like the sliding scale thing.
DeleteWell there is quite a range. Certainly if there's anything to charge these men with, it should happen. Although because most of this stuff happens with no witnesses but the victims, it's hard to prosecute successfully. Some of the misdeeds, like Louie CK's, are less--um---assaultive, and public humiliation is probably the appropriate punishment.
DeleteI harbor no sympathy for him especially since he tried to cover up what he says he's now sorry for. And he was in a position of power. Any comic with mainstream notice has power over those who want to share a bill with him or otherwise network. His public apology was rather self-serving so I'm not buying it. Saying that men have it hard in patriarchy is like saying it's hard for white people in a racist society. We need to own up. Yes, it's hard for the good guys but they need to stand up for women and quit looking the other way.
ReplyDeleteI didn't say men have it hard in patriarchy. I said the patriarchy hurts them. Not in the same way it hurts us.
DeleteThat makes more sense, thanks.
DeleteMy cousin had a similar response to yours. He's such a brilliant comedian and he's also a white male in a position of power whose behavior affected the ability for at least 2 of the women he harassed to seek work in the comedy field. I hope his apology is genuine and he does sit down, shut up, and listen.
ReplyDeleteI don't hold any burning rage against him, but as someone on the Facebook thread said, these men have got to be held accountable regardless of, and for me, especially because of how cuddly and relatable they are.
When he made his sexual problems the problems of unwitting women, he crossed a line. I believe that if we don't hold men accountable for their 'sexual misconduct' on all levels, we are enabling the next guy to believe he can get away with being a sexual predator.
I absolutely agree that he's got sexual problems. So does Tiger Woods and as far as I know, he's never been accused of sexual harassment. That his life was destroyed because of his addiction (yes, I do believe sexual addicts walk among us) infuriates me. Golf and the average viewer of golf had no room for a philanderer regardless of what led to the behavior. I bring up Woods only to highlight that he was condemned far more harshly than say, oh someone like Louis C.K.
Oh he absolutely crossed a line. The thing that disappoints so many people about Louie CK isn't that he's cuddly or relatable. It's that he in particular seemed to "get" what was wrong in male/female relationships. He's the one who said when men and women date online, the man's worst fear is that she won't look like her profile picture. The woman's worst fear is he'll kill her.
DeleteI've gone round and round about this issue. Your's is the second blog regarding this I've read this morning. I dunno, I guess it depends on the particular transgression, and how I felt about them in the first place.
ReplyDeleteYeah, NG did a hell of a lot for Portland, and we can credit him for what a great place downtown is, compared to what it was in say '72.
I remember talking to an older friend who was savvy about the local power establishment--back in the early '80s. I said I thought NG was so wonderful he should run for national office. She said he never could, because of where his dick has been.
DeleteMy opinion on LCK remains the same, since I have never liked Louis CK as a comedian. Goddess knows I tried! Three comedy specials which sorta left me cold. To each her own, I suppose. I know that some adolescent boys like to perform a circle jerk, but noone has to watch.
ReplyDeleteAnd no one wants to pick up the quarter afterwards, either.
DeleteThe problem is celebrity. We are all sinners (as they say) and we believe in the concept of forgiveness for the lowest criminals (so they say). But people become famous because we idealize them and then they fall from grace by being stupidly human. You can't be a hero and human at the same time.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to be a human. Amazing that SO MANY of us manage it.
Delete