Wednesday, March 29, 2017

The Shoe Has Been Dropped

Sorry for taking a tone. But things are changing altogether too fast around here, and not for the better. And now they've changed the Monopoly tokens.

No sooner had I complained about the exile of the perfectly exquisite little thimble piece than a bunch of others, including my beloved shoe, were rounded up and marched to the Bastille, and for no reason whatsoever. Marketing. Someone in Marketing thought there weren't enough people talking about Monopoly and they decided the people should have a say on the tokens. "Have a national conversation around them," as they'd probably put it, in Marketing. Screw Marketing. There is little evidence, and certainly no recent evidence, that The People can be trusted to make wise choices about anything just because they can vote. We already have too many choices. Breakfast cereal takes up a whole aisle. There should be no more than two types of screw-heads, and one shade of black.

Don't tell me it doesn't matter. Of course it matters. People need something to hold onto. Everybody has a favorite Monopoly piece. Dave, for instance, likes the man on the horse. If he can't get the man on the horse, he takes the cannon. His fingers lack slenderness and he wants a tall piece to move around. I like the shoe, but I'll settle for the thimble. They both have a roundness that appeals to me. The other night we talked about this with friends. Both Mort and Dave liked the horse-and-rider, so immediately there was some tension. Mort is a nice man and he acquiesced. "I guess I can always take the wheelbarrow," he said.

Too late, Bucko! All five of these pieces are out the door.

This stuff is personal. Hell, we even judge other people, just a little, for their choices. "I like the race car," someone will say, and some little part of you will think Really?

They've already messed with the board. Mediterranean and Baltic Avenues are brown now, for no reason.  The Poor Tax is now a Speeding Fine. (We don't have a poor tax anymore. We call it Jail.) You used to be able to decide whether to pay a percentage of your income in the Income Tax or a flat tax of $200, but now it's just a flat tax, which makes sense, because it favors the wealthy and people who can't do math, both trending demographics.

So I don't care much if they change more of the board. Free Parking can become a bike rack, and Jail can be Cell Service Dead Zone. We can put a homeless camp on the Just Visiting square, so you'll still be okay but feel kind of icky passing through. Maybe they can make it so if you buy the Water Utility, you can change it to Nestle's Bottling Plant and charge everyone a hundred times as much for their water. Whatever. Just leave the tokens alone.

They've changed before. Dave's horse-and-rider didn't exist before 1942, and neither did the Scottie. But those don't count because they happened before I was born, which was when Time began. Which means, it's always been this way, just like indoor toilets and jet travel.

But that should have been that. Instead we have a Cat now, which is no surprise, since they're an invasive species. And also a penguin, a rubber ducky, and a Tyrannosaurus rex. And of course they're all plastic, because there are still one or two sea creatures that haven't choked on any of our shit yet.

It ain't right. And don't get me going on blue M&Ms.




39 comments:

  1. One can probably make a small fortune buying up old Monopoly games at garage sales and flea markets, mark them up, then resell them as "Classic Monopoly" to old farts like us. I could have a monopoly on Monopoly! Ha!

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    1. Oh, no one's giving them up now. I discovered mine is not quite classic. I must've bought it in the '90s. It has the short-lived Bag O'Cash token. Dat dere is one ugly token.

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  2. They let people vote on these? be grateful they didn't end up with a Justin Bieber token.

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    1. I think they actually put out a hundred possibilities and had people vote.

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  3. You know, I don't think they are going to come to your house and take your tokens. Not yet, anyway.

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  4. I think marketing and investments are two of the jobs that would make me unable to look at myself in the mirror every morning. Making people want stuff they don't need, and selling people stuff that doesn't really exist -- aren't they right up there with murder and arson? They've certainly contributed to mankind's misery in all kinds of ways. Bah. Now I'm in a mood too.

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  5. I was always a boot girl. We didn't have the horse and rider in our set.
    Marketing is one of those jobs I would find it hard to admit to. And banker. And politician.

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    1. I'm not with you on politician. Probably because we have a pretty good set around here. People who are motivated to help the public and consider it a service. They have to be well-informed and willing to horse-trade a little but (although it makes great smears) I think there's some nobility in that, done right.

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  6. Wait, what? I'm still playing on a board where you can pay a percentage of your assets for Tax and where there is still a poor tax. Maybe it's a collector's item?

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    1. You wouldn't be the first to consider that, so I'm thinking it's not REAL valuable.

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  7. My ex-husband always took the race car. ALWAYS. Tells you a lot about the whole "ex" thing.

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    1. A good therapist could tell you a lot about the pieces one chooses.

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    2. Oh yes it does, Team DesCamp! Not only the race car, but the ALWAYS. See? We do judge. Jamiebobamie, what's your piece?

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  8. I guess there are sincere choices and ironic choices. I always chose the wheelbarrow. But you know, fuck Monopoly. If I ever play it again, I'll choose the artificial intelligence piece

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    1. That one's invisible. You could be up to no good with that one.

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  9. I agree... + why did they have to add blue M + m's

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    1. They didn't merely ADD the blues. They also REPLACED the light brown ones. Yes. The best ones.

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  10. Here in Australia, we had the Engish Monopoly, with different addresses and different tokens, although we still had the Top Hat. I don't even remember what the others were, it's so long since I've seen a game.
    Blue M&Ms are devil's food. The blue has a nasty chemical taste and since I'm allergic to artificial blue #133, I can't eat them anyway. Which wouldn't be so bad if there were less in the packet. But I find each packet now has more blue than any other colour and I can't eat the green ones either (green=blue & yellow) so I just don't buy them anymore. Same with boxes of Smarties. Both companies have lost me as a customer. Along with everyone else who hates the blue.

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    1. I think blue is a Millennial favorite. For everything. Blueberries are the only blue food you should ever eat. You know, maybe if the M&Ms were very pale blue...but no, still no.

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  11. I take no issue with blue M&Ms, but like Van Halen, I don't want brown ones. http://www.snopes.com/music/artists/vanhalen.asp

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  12. "There is little evidence, and certainly no recent evidence, that The People can be trusted to make wise choices about anything just because they can vote."

    Now ain't that the truth.... *sadface

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    1. I do prefer me a decent republic. I'd hate to think all our decisions will be based on a public vote.

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  13. Mediterranean and Baltic Avenues are BROWN! Holy brown stuff batman. I'm never playing Monopoly again.

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  14. What about the time that someone in Marketing thought it would be cool to make M&M's black and white, and make 'the public' beg to 'bring back the color? That was a fiasco. I always take M&M's to art opening functions (it's my 'go-to' contribution to a party) and never had a leftover problem...at least not until the black and white, colorless M&M's. People thought they were Good and Plenty and would not eat them. ("ew licorice" they'd say, which I didn't understand either, as I like licorice) I had to take them home with me. And had to eat the leftovers with my eyes closed, because they just didn't taste right otherwise. So...what were we talking about?

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    1. Seriously? I do not remember that. Black and white M&Ms. No. That ain't right. It's slightly more right than blue replacing the light brown though. I wouldn't touch them because I'd think they were licorice. As you said. Licorice is just one of those things you don't feel halfway about.

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  15. They should add a big gold-colored letter "T" as a Monopoly piece, to represent the bankrupt casinos in Atlantic City. It would be a nice touch.

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    1. Speaking of, I think all the new pieces are in gold. Gold plastic.

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  16. Being non-American (I'm a British colonies child, raised in the far SW Pacific in the days when the world was still mostly pink [on maps, that is]) so the only times I played monopoly we had a board based on London, England, streets.Little wooden house-shaped tiles in different colours.
    I never liked the game as the bossy kids tended to cheat and, if caught out, scream blue murder that people were out to get them.Then someone's mother would come in, sweep all the tiles and paper money off the board and tell everyone she'd give them one more chance to play quietly or she would send everyone outside/home.
    Come to think of it, where the hell was that mother when you elected Trump!

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    1. You are exactly right about the bossy kids. I was raised differently and had absolutely nothing to come back with. I knew it was all wrong wrong wrong but how do you deal with that? The first time I was ridiculed in school I felt the same way. I'd never run into it before (my sibs and I always got along) and I had no practice contending with it. I had nothing.

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  17. Really bad move on their part. You play Monopoly precisely BECAUSE it's boring. That's the point. You don't want to be titillated -- you want to be left alone.

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    1. I kind of want to win, but I don't seem to have the ability, which nonetheless speaks well of me, I think.

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  18. Wait, are you telling me that the tokens are now *plastic*??? Oh dear.

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  19. So have you made a run on the thrift stores to snatch up all the old Monopoly games for the old pieces?? Maybe this will make them collectors items. So far old people aren't collectible! It is hard to accept some changes.

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    1. I'm missing some pieces in my Old People collection too.

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