Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Re-tired Beats Snow-tired

The meteorologists have gotten ridiculously good, and precise, too. It's not at all unusual to look up the forecast and read "light rain beginning in nineteen minutes, tapering off in late June." But they totally missed our twelve inches of snow last week, and I'm inclined to blame Editing. Editing told them to knock it down to three inches, because Portland never gets a foot of snow. But then we did. And it was fluffy. This was the kind of snow where every knob and twig becomes soft and plump and perfect. Rubensesque, even.

And the cherry on the sundae is I do not have to deliver mail, anywhere. I do not have to go anywhere. I guess I don't even have to get out of bed to pee if I don't want to. This snowfall is all the more beautiful for me not being a mailman in it.

I never had a problem walking around in the snow delivering mail. But they always made me drive. On steep, narrow streets. Occasionally sideways. The kids would be out of school and sledding in the street, and they'd see me perched at the top of the block and scootch over just a little so I'd have a mitten's-worth of space on either side of my vehicle, and I would stand on my brake and lean out the window and bellow at them in a voice that would drop an exorcist. "Get over! GET OVER! MOVE! GET YOUR HEINIES UP ON YOUR PORCH! ALL THE WAY! I'm not moving till you do! I'm going to TELL YOUR MOM!" The kids saw me only on snow days and they had a very different opinion about me than their parents. Their parents thought I was sweet as pie, but it's the kids that have grown up and are running the show now, and this is why everyone pays bills online and the post office is dying.

Anyway, as soon as I'd gotten the kids good and hollered onto their front porches, I would let up on the brake and brush up on my petitions to the Lord until they sounded natural and lurch down the street looking for shrubbery to veer into just in case I missed the one asshole kid I was planning on using to stop my momentum.

There was once an old, wealthy man in town whose videoed trip down an icy block in his Mercedes became an internet sensation. It was a steep one-way street, and he mashed into every single parked car on the left until there was a gap, and then he swerved down the right side to nail every single one of those cars, and got lucky and spun into the bumper that sent him into the Sexy Cowgirl With The Lasso and rocketed around the middle target and set off the whistles and barreled into a lamppost or two and just missed Tilt and then--and then--he just caught the lucky flipper at the bottom of the street and shot right back up to the top to do it all again more thoroughly, and the phones of insurance agents all over town began lighting up and ringing simultaneously, ding-ding-ding, and that street, ladies and gentlemen, was on my mail route.

But last week it snowed voluptuously, and we went for a little walk in it. A little voluntary walk in the snow, whilst not delivering mail. A walk in which we observed people delivering mail, although we, ourselves, were not so doing. Then we filled up the bird feeders and rigged up a heater for the hummingbird nectar whilst continuing to not deliver mail, and we stepped into a brewpub toward evening and had ourselves a nice pint whilst at the very same time not delivering mail, and, my friends, it was a beautiful thing.

32 comments:

  1. An unexpected, soft and fluffy snowfall. It looks so pretty too, but I'm glad you don't have to deliver mail in it. Although staying in bed all day isn't such a good idea, getting up to pee is a must, unless you like changing the sheets and trying to dry a soggy mattress every day.
    My copy of Trousering Your Weasel landed in my mailbox this morning, I'm enjoying it immensely. It doesn't fit on my toilet tank though, the tank is too narrow and the flush buttons are in the way.

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    1. Yay! I believe you should consider swapping out your toilet.

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    2. The toilet is new, installed just last year, but the bathroom is a combined shower/toilet/laundry room, so I can leave the book on the washing machine, except for today when I carried it with me to read on the bus on my way somewhere.

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  2. We haven't had snow like that in Delaware for a long time. And I'm perfectly happy if we never do. People here drive like idiots when it's dry; they drive exactly the same -- not even slowing down -- when it's wet or icy. The governor has been known to declare a State of Emergency before a snowflake has even made an appearance.

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    1. It sounds as if your governor is right on top of things. I'm considering declaring a state of emergency for the whole nation, and it's only Wednesday.

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  3. Just rewards for a life well-lived.

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  4. As you know winter snow in the North East is a job in itself. (trying to type with a cat in my lap - helping) About two feet on the ground and flurries right now... but we love it = that's why we live in Maine
    the Ol'Buzzard

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    1. I do know! I love it too. And my experience is that getting around in the Maine snow is a lot easier than it is here. Do you have a Maine coon?

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  5. Nothing like a day of not delivering mail to make life worth living. A foot of snow is just another day in Northern Minnesota, but growing up in Delaware we once had 4 inches. Everything shut down for three days. It was awesome!

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    1. Two Delaware snow references in one comment section! My most singular memory of Delaware is trees that kept getting shorter and shorter as you head toward the ocean.

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  6. We haven't gotten mail in a week!

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    1. We've gotten mail about half the days, but no newspaper, and as much as it's not worth what we pay for it, this is even worse.

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  7. On the hot side of the world, going for a walk in the snow sounds like bliss. Jealous thanks for the image.

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    1. As much as I'd love to visit your big weird island, and I would, I am NOT a fan of hot. So I get that.

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  8. I LOVE it when it snows like that. It's beautiful, and it tends not to last here, because that's a warmish weather snow and it generally falls off the trees and bushes within a few hours. But it's lovely to walk in, or drive in, or just sit and enjoy it for the short time it's around. (And, as I said, it comes in milder weather, so it's more pleasant to be outside.)

    Your descriptions are hilarious - I especially liked "...it's the kids that have grown up and are running the show now, and this is why everyone pays bills online and the post office is dying." There are too many other good lines to quote them all!

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    1. This has been on the ground more or less unchanged for a week now! Today it's starting to melt. I haven't driven anywhere for a week, so I've done my part keeping the community safe.

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  9. I like your kind of snow - pretty, smile-inducing and not long-lasting.But I'd have to hunker down with a well-stocked larder (and wine cellar!) 'cos I don't think I'd cope well if I had to drive.

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    1. Ooooooh, we've got all that. And enough beer to keep us till the Second Coming.

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  10. We in SoCal don't get snow ever, unfortunately!!

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    1. Don't speak too soon. Everybody's getting everybody else's weather now.

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  11. First, I should say that I'm not delivering mail right now. In fact, I've never delivered mail but I digress. When I lived in Durham, NC, the entire city shut down when it snowed. I was there with the rest of the yahoos, freaking out about even one snowflake. When they plowed my street, it was with a little pickup that had a tiny blade I'm sure they bought at Home Depot. Now I live in big bad Canada where they have 97 different kinds of snow and a foot of it is brushed off with a "So what." A fleet of enormous plows and salt trucks take to the streets and it's business as usual. And I get mail. Every weekday. Not to brag or anything. Oh and fluffy snow is my favorite. It's easy to shovel and looks so pretty. All righty, there's my essay about the white stuff. Loved this post but then, I adore all your work.

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    1. Haven't you had fun all those years not delivering mail though? Didn't that make the snow extra special? I never missed a day of work because of snow and my customers got mail, until the great freeze of 2007 (I'm guessing) when it took me a half hour to get to the bus stop two blocks away and I bailed out. Too close to retirement by then!

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  12. This made me happy. At 7:00 a.m. Eastern Time, Thursday, January 19th, 2017. I wouldn't have thought it possible.

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  13. Great laugh about the man going down the hill like a pinball machine event. Fabulous imagery! Thank you for the great writing. Kim in northwest PA, where it is 60 oddball degrees today; we expect to pay in February

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    1. Oh man! We can't count on anything anymore. Sixty in PA?

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  14. I think I remember that very video. could not stop laughing. I am very grateful not to have to drive in a foot of snow, even though I never delivered mail either. Lovely post.

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    1. Seriously, I think he hit everything hittable.

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