Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Das Wagglecatsen

English-speakers love to jam words together. We might as well be Germans. Sometimes we dice and splice them, as in "Brexit," and sometimes we just run them into each other, like "medicalmarijuana." We picked up a hitchhiker once who talked a lot about medicalmarijuana, even though it was pretty clear the condition he was treating was intermittent sobriety. Now in Oregon we have recreationalmarijuana. That's a big word for what we used to call a "stash."

There are lots of words like that out there. Like "Corporatedemocrat," which, near as I can tell, mostly means "Democrat." It's used, and liberally, by people I generally agree with. It can refer to anyone from an old-school Appalachian coal company whore to a thoughtful congressman who voted for an imperfect compromise bill in order to make some headway, or who voted against a cherished goal in order to avoid an objectionable rider. And the beauty of calling someone a Corporatedemocrat is that you don't really have to go to all the bother of investigating his or her motivations at all. It's handy for bypassing undue thought. Kind of like racism that way.

So I'm adding a new one. The one our veterinarian taught us. He was referring to our cat Tater. She's got that waggly thing going on in her nether-Tater regions. If she were a more dignified sort of cat, you could almost imagine her attended by a double line of uniformed mice, holding her belly-fabric out like a train. Instead she regularly thunders through the house and that thing rocks back and forth like a censer in the hands of a meth-head priest. It's impressive. And that, according to our new favorite veterinarian, is where she stores her "healthy fat."

Healthyfat it is! I've been storing it for years and I just didn't know what to call it. If I were any healthier, I'd bust out a butt seam. And for those of us sitting atop a catastrophic earthquake zone, we're all about the storage. In fact if anything I might have underestimated the amount of Healthyfat I should be storing. I have the usual cache right in front where I can keep an eye on it, but I see no reason not to add to my auxiliary stores--in a pinch, so to speak, I can raid the upper arms. I keep spare rolls on my back. And if nobody's come by to dig us out after a month, I've still got that emergency supply in my neck.

You face-lift people are going to be totally screwed.

December special! Hop on over to the Trousering Your Weasel page--in the left sidebar up there--and if you order books from me, I'll waive the shipping charge. Plus, I'll sign 'em. Boy howdy.

28 comments:

  1. No shipping charge?? I love you. And thank you.
    I have so much "healthy fat" it's rivalling my unhealthy fat for space. I'm set to outlast practically anybody, as long as there is drinking water available.
    Were you in Australia last week? I sat in front of a woman on the bus last Monday who looked exactly like you :)

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    1. You just need to rename your nonhealthyfat. No, if I go to Australia I'll be sure to alert all you fine friends first in case you want to offer me a beer!

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  2. Wait, the free shipping is just in the USA? Well never mind, I still love you.

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  3. Bought a copy anyway, I look forward to reading it.

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    1. Don't forget--it lives on your toilet tank.

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  4. Thanks for a laugh on a dreary Wednesday morning!

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    1. Ah yes, we had our first frost last night, and now my brave Datura is dead and a few dozen Mr. Happys are not so happy.

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  5. Glad to know my fat is healthy even though you disagree with most of the medical community. But we have Congresspersons who disagree with most of the scientific community, so what else is new?

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  6. Tater's got the cutest little shiny black feet pads. And I call my healthyfat my "desert rations", just in case I get caught-out crossing the border into Mexico.

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    1. Oh I'm stealing that. I'm going to keep it in my top drawer with the word for us short people: "fun-sized."

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    2. locally, we call those pads "toe-beans" and there are tons of instagram photos...

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    3. This is my day for learning new locutions! Yay!

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  7. My increasingly Rubenesque self needed to read this today. Thank you.
    And I love Trousering Your Weasel.

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  8. I trousered the weasel on a 'plane.One of the stewards backed up his booze cart and asked if it was good.I said it guaranteed head-of-the-queue for the toilet.

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  9. I love the look on Tater's face! It pretty much rivals my Turtle and Jenny Choo attitude... healthy fat... whew!

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    1. I figure I'm about sixty pounds of butter away from eternal life.

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  10. "Intermittent sobriety..."
    I love you Murr. x

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  11. I'm a lot like a bear with a lot less hair. I try to store a lot of "healthy fat" before going into winter. It makes hibernation much easier and less stressful. Not even sure why I'm awake now.

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    1. It's the blue TV light. Messes with your brainwaves.

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    1. When (exactly) have I ever lied to you? If I could do that, I could have a significant income as a bullshit news-site purveyor.

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  13. Holly has the same healthy fat issue. I've always called it her sporran & kilt. It can get quite the swing on it when she gets going.

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    1. Yeah. I really like watching her thunder through the house from the rear view. It cheers me right up.

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