Saturday, July 9, 2016

Not All That Much Cat

Strange times. We have it on good, or at least loud, authority that Hillary Clinton is planning to have some of our troops massacred just for the thrill of being able to lie about it to the American people. That Bernie Sanders keeps a sperm sample from Karl Marx in a locket on his person at all times to keep it warm and viable. That Barack Obama is going to make us pray to Allah five times a day just so he can look at men's butts. People will say anything about anybody. They really don't care much about the truth anymore.

Well, this stops here.

Because I am here to report that our cat Tater, in spite of everything that everybody ever says about her, is not fat. All you people who come to the front door and are greeted by our bounding and enthusiastic house mammal can just take your "my, what a fat cat you are" and stuff it. I saw you rolling your eyes when we insisted she was only the exact right size she needed to be to contain her personality. That she couldn't possibly get fat on a half cup of dry store kibble a day. I know you were thinking this was one of those "love is blind" things, like when you say your grandkid is smart as a whip, while he has one hand down his pants and the other in his nose up to the second knuckle. But after a while, when complete strangers came and knocked on the door to sell some Jesus and tell us our cat was fat, we started to think maybe it was true.

But it's not. She is medically certified not fat. We had to take her to the vet the other day. First time she's been since she was brand new, nine years ago. She had the sneezles. After the third sneezly day we looked it up on Dr. Internet and discovered we might be endangering her very existence by waiting for the sniffles to go away, so we packed her up and took her in. The vet had a look all around and held a stethoscope to her brisket for a minute and looked in her ears and in her mouth and said there was nothing wrong with her. Her teeth looked perfect. Her chest was clear. Her coat was healthy. She didn't need any medications. He didn't offer any vaccines just because. She was admirable in every way. And for what he charged us, we couldn't even have filled up the pickup truck.

"Do you think she's fat?"

"No," he said, just like that, without even hedging. He could feel her ribs just fine. "They all get that waggly apron thing; it's where cats store their healthy fat. She's just a nice big cat. She could drop maybe ten grams, but she doesn't need to."

Black Cat Smiling
Okay, ten grams is a lot of cocaine but not much cat. We've seen big cats before. We had a neighbor who went to pick up her cat when we came to the door, and she picked it up, and kept picking it up, until finally she was standing up with the front end of the cat in her arms, and its butt was still on the floor. That was a big cat. Tater's just big compared to those little noodle-tailed pansy cats you see. She's not fat. Vet said so.

She quit sneezing two days later. Next time I'm sick, I'm going to the vet. He'll tell me I'm fine, I'm pretty, I don't need dental work, and there's no need to hit the gym or the pharmacy. And my fur is to die for.

26 comments:

  1. Tater sounds just like my Angel. Big, furry, beautiful and healthy. I had him to the vet a few weeks ago for his annual vaccination and the vet was very pleased to see a long coat that WASN'T all matted and full of whatever it is cats pick up. Angel does collect tiny twiggy bits and leaves but he lets me brush them out. Tater is beautiful and very placid to let Dave hold her like that.

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    1. ACK! You admitted you have an outdoor cat right here on Bird Central! ACK! Love you anyway.

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    2. He has a collar with a bell and his metal name tag jingles against the bell as well. The birds are safe. He actually spends more time inside sleeping on my bed.

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    3. He's probably not that avid. Bells don't really work as well as people think. There are two fairly cool things that supposedly do: the BirdBeSafe Cat Collar and the even more ridiculous-looking and more effective Cat Bib.

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  2. That cat is smiling because she knows she hit the people jackpot.

    And I know how hard it is to get a good picture of a black cat, so - kudos!

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    1. Aww. Thanks. She's a happy cat. She's also a little shiny so it helps with the photos.

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  3. But what would Donald Trump say about Tater?

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  4. Love the lies people tell! Did you make those up?

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    1. I've been known to be a mite reckless with the truth.

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    2. ....So you lied about lying? Does that make it a double-negative, which means that you were actually telling the truth?

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    3. Wait. What? Oh. Oh well. Yeah. Whatever you said, that's what I meant.

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  5. Some cats ARE fat.Some cats are lean,as in streamlined.And some cats are merely solid.
    I am of the "solid" type. My sister is lean (or skinny) and Dr.Vet says we are both healthy.
    Geiger, as dictated to my Secretary.

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    1. Welcome, Geiger. There's nothing mere about solid. You go!

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  6. Jazz n Jewel have had those accusations levelled at them too. And they don't care. They are healthy, they are happy.

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    1. Some day I hope to be as nonchalant about letting my swingier portions show as my cat is. Or, come to think of it, as some men are.

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  7. If you are unaware of it, look up the Danish folk (children's) tale "The Fat Cat" by Jack Kent. It was a fav of my girls at a certain age.

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    1. I tried, but at least on Amazon they wouldn't let me look inside. I must say I LOVE the premise!

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  8. She's just a big-boned gal.

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    1. This reminds me of one of my favorite things I ever heard. From Ed's partner. Ed is a frequent commenter. They were hosting a Fat Acceptance meeting in their living room when we overheard (from the kitchen) a woman saying "I've always had big bones." Ed's partner whispered: "Yeah. Big Jiggly Bones."

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  9. My very cuddly cat, Kala, looks like yours (black) and she is 20 pounds. She was on a special expensive diet food for 2 years and held her weight. So the vet finally said it was glandular and just to leave her alone since she has a healthy heart and lungs. She loves to cuddle and spread out. I accept her as she is!

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    1. See, Tater's only running about fourteen pounds. Not all that much cat.

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  10. Well, now you have the truth of an expert opinion, but in my experience truth does not change the diehards.

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  11. Thanks for making me laugh today. I've been a little het up, and while I don't plan to stop, it does help to mellow out and laugh from time to time.

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    1. Oh, I get that. Uh, you might want to skip Wednesday's post...

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