Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Free To Pee, You And Me

We were talking to an acquaintance the other day, and right there between the weather and the price of gas, he up and declares that people using public restrooms should be either male or female, and nothing in between. His supporting argument was that anything else ain't right. It's possible I misunderstood, but it seems he feels very strongly that whoever might be in a public restroom checking out his junk should be All Man. Well, okay.

I sort of get it. The Bits Allocation of people sharing a restroom with me has always been very high on my list of concerns, just under women wearing white hijabs after Labor Day.

He went on to clarify that once a guy has actually had his dick cut off, he can then use the ladies' restroom. I am assuming that the lopping of the dick indicates sincerity.

Seeing our apoplectic looks, he invited us to explain to him why he's wrong, but I suspected insincerity. In any case, I had things to do, and taking someone all the way back to his early education and starting over seemed like it was going to cut into my weeding time.

He'd be right at home in North Carolina, where transgendered or transitioning citizens have been cordially invited to cut down on their fluid intake. I do not know, or care, how many such people I have shared a restroom with, or thought to wonder what they were doing there. I always assume they have to pee.

There is an upside to the North Carolina Moron Protection Act, or whatever it's called. It's a job creator. Now there will have to be an employee stationed at each public restroom as a Crotch Inspector. If you're currently unemployed in North Carolina, you should look into openings in Crotch Inspection, which is, coincidentally, a job description. Me, I'm more creeped out by sharing a restroom with someone who wants to be a Crotch Inspector, but that's the price you pay for freedom from the heebie-jeebies. The downside, of course, is that there will have to be a whole new layer of government to oversee the Crotch Inspection Force.

"Not so," our friend insists. "Government doesn't do anything efficiently. It can be privately run, or an all-volunteer citizen force."

I suppose. There are already plenty of private citizens who charge themselves with making sure people's sex conforms to one or the other of the Big Two. Here in the blue states, we call those people Assholes. Speaking of openings.

But if you're going to have legislation like this, you'll have to have enforcement. And that means that in the less clear-cut cases there's going to have to be some kind of internal probe. That's your Long Arm Of The Law, right there.

47 comments:

  1. Once again a law that cannot be enforced. Why "they" have so many irrational fears is beyond me.

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    1. Not us baby! We ain't afraid of NUTTIN'! Maybe ticks. Ooo, transitioning ticks...

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  2. there are places in Europe where he would have to hold it.
    These are the same people who were bashing gays a decade ago. They lost that fight now they have evolved to the 'Bathroom Police.'
    the Ol'Buzzard

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    1. I suspect they "lost that fight" the same way the Confederacy lost the slavery fight. Which is to say, they refuse to accept the loss and go about making sure they can keep things the way they want them.

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  3. I never could see why there have to be separate restrooms for each gender, anyway. Most public places have single restrooms, and it always struck me as odd that they would have gender designations on the doors. In this case, I just use whichever one isn't in use (usually it's the one marked for males).

    As for the multi-person restroom, I once had dinner in a tapas restaurant in Philadelphia that had an open-plan restroom that was unisex. I mean, you have stalls -- it's not like anyone is watching you pee. And there was a long vanity with several sinks across from the stalls. It was very chic looking, and I found it much more sensible that separate restrooms. I suspect that women who do not like this setup are not so much afraid of being attacked, but of having their dates witness just how much time they spend in front of the mirror after dinner, repairing themselves.

    And really, if I have to pee NOW, and there is a line for the women's room (rock concert, busy bar), I have been known to use the men's room. I just keep my eyes averted from the urinals, head to a stall, do my business, and get out. Sometimes I get hooted at, but that's pretty much the extent of it. I think they may actually admire my balls (metaphorically, not physically, obviously).

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    1. You've hit on the real issue, men do not want to have our restrooms backed up by all those women who do not know how to pee and go as fast as as we do and we don't want to be waiting in a long line. We don't do many things better than women, but dammit we pee fast and want to be rewarded with short lines.

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    2. We do know how to pee fast, but we can't just unzip, let loose, zip up and be done. There's a whole lot of other clothing rearranging to be done, as well as a wipe off, where you men just give a shake or two.

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    3. The problem is that women choose fashion over function, which may be okay if you are going out to dinner. But at a rock concert? I have been behind women wearing jumpsuits for crissakes! What is more impractical than a jumpsuit? If I know that I'm going into a situation where urination may be a difficulty, then it's commando with a skirt. I'm sometimes out of the restroom before my husband.

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    4. I want "Commando With A Skirt" to be my rock band name. I have peed in my own yard in front of witnesses without anyone the wiser. There was probably beer involved.

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  4. Crotch Inspectors? Don't we already have those? They're called Doctors. And Gynecologists.
    I'd prefer only women in a female rest room, mostly for the safety factor, but transgendered people have to pee somewhere, and if a man is transgendering to woman, he's not likely to be a rapist, so that's okay too.

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    1. I've never felt threatened by anyone in a public rest room, ever, and I've been doing this for a very long time.

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  5. Well, not EVERYONE. I pee many times faster than my hubby. Apparently he has more prostate than he knows what to do with.

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  6. How do they make the door symbols in Scotland different since everyone wears a skirt?

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    1. There should be an extra bump on the male silhouette. I will offer to make the design if given a suitable number of models to work with.

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  7. You go, girl!! Or boy--it doesn't make any difference to me!!

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  8. Murr, Kansas has answered your question about policing the bathroom. They plan on offering a reward for catching someone using the "wrong" restroom.

    In the latest chapter of “What’s the Matter with Kansas?,” bills in both the house and senate have been introduced, ThinkProgress reports, that not only would ban transgender public school and college students from using the bathroom of their gender identities — but would also award $2,5000 to anyone who sees a transgender person in the “wrong” bathroom.

    The $2,500 would be to compensate for “all psychological, emotional and physical harm suffered as a result of a violation of this section.”

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    1. I'm beginning to think a lot of people don't have a real grasp of psychological, emotional, and physical harm.

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    2. What happens if a sneaker transgender type comes to a the home of one of these people with too much time on their hands and not enough between their ears...

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  9. With all the other issues North Carolina (and damn near every other state) have to see them fixate on this approaches the 'not understandable'. It was a yawn for everyone when women used the men's room at concerts in the 70's, and presumably still is, evangelicals aside, who shouldn't be at a John Hiatt concert anyway.
    My wife is nudging me towards the fishing blogs.....bye.
    Cheers,
    Mike

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    1. Wait just a minute. Can you be nudged away that easily?

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  10. As if North Carolina and Kansas don't have problems enough to sort out, they go and find something else to be hateful about ...

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    1. Let's not leave Mississippi out of the fraternity.

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  11. I don't care who's using what bathroom. I would only plead that people leave the dang seat down. And now I'm realizing that I have a whole different problem. I'm anti-toilet-seat-up. Crap, where do I go for an intervention??

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    1. You know, that one isn't a problem for me. Because most of the time I approach the toilet head-on with my eyes open. I did get out of the habit of sitting on a toilet seat at night without turning on the light first. My peeve is people who sprinkle the toilet seat.

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  12. I lost count of your clever turns of phrase because I only have ten fingers. Astute observations embedded into your cleverity. As always.

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    1. Ten fingers is more than enough to qualify you as a Crotch Inspector.

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  13. Had to delete to edit!
    My daughter had to go through the room with urinals (with men using them) to get to the next room where the stalls were located in the restroom at a cafe in Paris. No emotional scars so far!

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  14. I just realize how much this law could affect me. I FREQUENTLY appropriate the men's restroom. If no one is in...hey, it's mine. Especially because too many public places have too few places for those of us born women to go. So, Men's Restroom, you're mine.

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    1. Uh-huh. You're JUST the type they're worried about.

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  15. Years ago, a man-friend had had surgery which he felt a bit embarrassed about and he simply went into the sit-down cubicle which had a door.
    If I was a bloke I'm not sure I'd want to waggle the willie in a line of men in case one of the other wagglers was looking to pick up someone.Or worse- a crotch inspector

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    1. I know lots of guys who can't pee in front of anybody. But as far as that other fear goes--no, I think the social rules are pretty clear on that. Which is not to say that restrooms aren't occasionally used for such purposes, but that those involved do not prey on the unwilling.

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  16. When this 'issue' came up, as it were, I opined that "It is given to doctors, at the birth of a child, to assign gender." Physician s are the original 'Crotch Inspectors'.

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    1. They are, and some of them have to flip a coin.

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    2. And some of them still don't get it right. Not from lack of trying, but from lack of insight into how that baby's going to feel when they're old enough to know how they feel.

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    3. It can be pretty arbitrary. When my uncle died, after being hit by a bus, the hospital people weren't sure WHAT he was. And he'd had no surgery.

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    4. That was kind of my point. No one except the person in question can really know what gender that person feels inside. And some feel neither.
      I'm sorry about your uncle's horrible death. We all joke about getting hit by a bus - but sometimes it's real and it sucks.

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  17. Murr, I recall your uncle. Didn't we go visit him once when you guys were visiting SF? He sold newspapers in North Beach. Or did I dream that? Either way, thank you for this wonderful column. I miss you guys but too poor to travel. xo Jimmy

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    1. We did. First time I met him! He'd already been abandoned by the rest of the family. I'm not judging. (Really, I'm not.)

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  18. I wrote my State Representative which I often do just to piss him off. I asked him to explain his vote and the speed with which HB 2 was passed (8 hours from introduction in General Assembly to signed into law). Here is his complete response: "Good morning. Very simple...80% supported it and it was the obvious. Good Day."

    Not satisfied, I wrote again. This time he responded simply with two links; one to an ultraconservative organization and one to a "family values" organization whose mission is religious liberty. Not even a "good day" with that one.

    I WANT MY STATE BACK FROM THESE IDIOTS!!!

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    1. I am so sorry. That's got to be awful. I've been remarkably pleased with our politicians here for the most part.

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  19. Was the bear traumatized? S/he does not look happy to be inspected. I wouldn't be either!

    These bills are just an excuse to gender-police. I bet it will effect buch cis women and effeminate cis males to.

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    1. Of course it will! And I have to add--just because people need to be who they are--it's not a bear. He's Pootie. He's a dog. It's okay. As long as you don't think he's a bunny.

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  20. What happened to the idea you follow gender as per birthcertificate? Show it and gain access lol
    Bet there would be a market for fake BC's.
    And now does that mean a parent cannot allow the wrong gender kid to enter either?
    What silliness in 2016 in America in one area.

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    1. I guess they're demanding birth certificates to pee now. Hoo boy. We've been sharing bathrooms with transgendered people for years and years. Now NC has made it so someone with a penis has to use the women's restroom if that's what was on his birth certificate. Talk about trouble for nothing.

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