Saturday, February 6, 2016

How To Prevent Sagging Breasts Naturally

The author, six years younger.
The following article was published in The Science Of Eating. My notes were not.

Every woman wants to have perfectly shaped breasts throughout her life. This is pretty much what we live for! Sadly, this is not possible in most cases. Just the lucky few who die before age 25. Breast sagging is a natural process that happens with age where the breasts lose their suppleness and elasticity. Not so! My breasts are supple enough that I could slather them in marinara sauce and ricotta and roll them up like manicotti and if it weren't for the parmesan on top nobody would ever know the difference. A drooping pair of breasts can severely undermine how a woman feels about herself, and may feel it lessens her attractiveness in the eyes of the opposite sex. This is because it does. Learning what causes breasts to sag and tackling this issue proactively can offer a lot of help. Or not. It might be more advisable to acquire a life.

What Causes Saggy Breasts Spoiler alert: gravity.

For starters, breasts do not have muscle, they are made of fat, connective tissues and milk-producing glands, and they need proper care to keep them in good shape. Though saggy breasts usually start happening after a woman reaches 40, it can occur earlier. For instance, say you're an 18-year-old woman who has just gotten on birth control pills for the first time. Say it's 1971 and those pills are the size of ottomans and contain enough estrogen to incite a civil war among Amazons. Your breasts are going to go completely Hindenburg on your ass and when you finally get done tearing everyone you've ever met a new one because they've suddenly become SO irritating, you go off the hormones cold turkey in favor of getting some piece of hardware that looks like a paper-clip jammed up your uterus, and then your Hindenburgs wilt into shriveled little party balloons striated with stretch marks. Oh, the humanity. According to various studies, it is understood that when a woman reaches her late thirties, the skin can become loose. Sure can. Even if you put up posters and someone shows up with your missing skin, you'll have hell to pay to get it all back in the old corral again. Apart from age and pregnancy,  other factors that cause sagging breasts are menopause, rapid weight loss or gain, strenuous exercise unless conducted upside-down, nutritional deficiencies such as starvation, smoking, over-tanning and wearing a poorly fitting bra.

Some diseases like breast cancer or respiratory conditions like tuberculosis can also cause breasts to sag. It's all the coughing. Excessive consumption of alcohol can also contribute to the problem. And the solution.

A wide variety of creams and lotions are available on the market to tighten and tone up sagging breasts. However, if you prefer natural methods, there are many simple and easy home remedies that you can try. Like a block and tackle.

There are a number of home remedies for regaining the firmness of saggy breasts, including massaging. This actually increases the firmness of the penis.

If you gain and lose weight continuously and fail to stay at a healthy optimal weight, it could take a toll on your breasts. Screw your psyche at this point. Your perkiness is at stake. This continuous stretching and relaxing of the skin makes it droop and sag over time. And also over your belly.

Drink Plenty of Water

According to experts at the University of Wisconsin Hospitals, the skin is comprised of cells that are predominantly made up of water. Pretty much all cells are. Lack of water takes a toll on the skin, and can make the skin over your breast look shrunken and dull. Shine it up with K-Y Jelly and see where that gets you. Always combine healthy eating with exercise. Improper weights such as the breasts can also cause your breasts to sag. Drastic weight loss in a short span of time would definitely cause your breasts to lose their fullness. Eat up. It's essential to eat foods that are nutritionally rich and contain proteins, vitamins, calcium, minerals, silicone, carbohydrates and essential fats etc.

Pomegranate

This fruit is considered a wonderful anti-aging ingredient and can help prevent sagging breasts. In most cases, a minimum of sixty pomegranate seeds placed in a Ziplock bag and taped under the breasts will be required. Pomegranate seed oil is rich in phytonutrients that can lead to firm breasts. Especially if they're lined up on the driveway to the Playboy Mansion.

Massage your breasts at least 2-3 times per week with coconut or olive oil to help add firmness and increase the elasticity to the skin as well as improve the skin tone and texture. Add sunflower seeds, dried cranberries, and a dash of lemon zest for a tasty summertime treat. Massage draws blood to the surface of the skin, increases blood flow, while stimulating muscle growth although we just told you there is no muscle in the breast.

Ice Massages

Ice can help tone the skin in and around the breast region. All you need to do is rub a few ice cubes over your breasts in wide circular motions. Try this massage at regular intervals throughout the day to firm your breast muscles and skin. Eventually you can get your entire body to tighten up just by walking toward the freezer door.

A wrong sized bra can make your breasts sag in no time at all. Not wearing a bra would not help as well. You're screwed.

According to the results of a 15-year study in France, bras provide no benefits to women and may actually be harmful to breasts over time. Jean-Denis Rouillon, a professor at the University of Franche-Comte in Besancon, measured and examined the breasts of more than 300 women, aged 18 and 35, taking note of how the additional support provided by bras affects the body over time. M. Rouillon notes that many more years of research will be required. Rouillon noticed that nipples gained a higher lift, in relation to the shoulders, on women who went braless. In fact, some of them could sling 'em over their shoulder like a Continental soldier. Rouillon cautioned women who have worn bras for a long time, like several decades, that following these recommendations may have less chance of seeing as much benefit. Yes. Because these women have old breasts. You're not Dr. Frankenstein; they're not going to perk up.

You know what, Petunia? Someday soon you're going to die. Maybe someone will think enough of you to throw you in a blast furnace and scoop up your carbonaceous remains, but your breasts are going to be vapor. You know when you forget the fat in the frying pan? It's all going into the air except for a nasty bit of sludge left behind. Your breasts are going to be one episode of bad odor followed by blessed nothingness just like the rest of you, so you might as well find something appropriate to give a damn about or at least offer to rub oil in someone else's breasts while they still have nerve endings. Jesus Johnson, it's not always about you.

55 comments:

  1. Why do they even print these daft articles aimed at anxious, aging, not very bright women? They're not even using this "information" to sell anything -- at least a mercenary angle I could understand. Massaging the breasts? Maybe try it with coconut oil? Maybe they figure that if these women start massaging their breasts, it may lead to them masturbating more, which would take their minds off their sagging breasts. Telling them to just get a life probably would be considered a bit brusque, and would not do much for magazine subscriptions.

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    1. Well, there is plenty of advertising. This article just kept the ads from mooshing together.

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  2. After reading this, I realize that I've been woefully un-obsessed about the condition of my breasts.

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    1. It's never too late to fret. Get on it.

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  3. As a supporter and fancier of breasts I would like to offer my services and assistance in breast maintenance to anyone who wishes it. If I can get permission from my wife.

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    1. A supporter of some kind is just what we're looking for!

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  4. I commend you for actually looking at your breasts in a candid photo ... I don't think I can. Age 74, sag, oh my.

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  5. Do men have any sagging body parts that compare to sagging breasts in women? They're often more obsessed by breasts than women. Perhaps a sagging penis would compare.

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    1. Or something in its environs...

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    2. the sausage appears the same, but the eggs are reaching for the ground. I wonder if there is an article about the unsightlyness of ball-drop? Maybe a study of boxers vs banana-hammocks vs au natural is in order? I'm willing to be the ice treatment is very effective in this case.

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    3. The only old man I have that kind of acquaintance with isn't having that problem, but I do remember looking at a very old bull from behind with a fascination bordering on horror.

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    4. OK, let's just have a gentleman's agreement: I won't suggest rubbing your breasts with ice, if you promise to keep your ice cubes away from my man-parts. Guys have a tough enough time already, just running into the cold ocean.....

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    5. You know, Ed, it never even occurred to me to approach you with ice cubes, until just this second.

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  6. "Spoiler alert: gravity." bwahahaha.

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    1. Nobody's breasts are a match for the mass of the whole planet, is all I'm sayin'.

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  7. I'm thinking you could have saved a minute or two of your life by recycling last post's title.

    Very funny stuff! And all the red stuff is even true.

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    1. I edited out some of the original article but if you read the whole thing they give contradictory advice right down the line. Wear a bra! Never wear a bra! Strengthen your muscles! Breasts have no muscle!

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  8. I've just never been able to get with program. I obstinately go on liking the breasts I know, no matter how much they sag. As the old saying goes,perkiness only counts in Fox News anchors and pekinese.

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    1. You're a stubborn fellow. I like that in a man.

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  9. I'm thinking of having a boob job on my 81 year old breasts--removing them from my stomach & putting them back on my chest where they used to be!!

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    1. Naah. Surgery is dangerous. Duck tape!

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    2. Duck/duct tape is dangerous, too!
      http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/failed-duct-tape-challenge-leaves-14-year-old-in-hospital-with-serious-head-injuries-a6836446.html

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  10. Sigh. I remember the 'pencil test'. You know, the one that said that if a pencil put under your boobs stayed you needed a bra. These days I could carry a whole pencil case. And a book.
    Mind you, I prefer this silly article (and your wise additions) to the 'gentleman' who said that since they were just 'redundant fat pads', the breasts of all women past child bearing age should be surgically removed.

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    1. I'm not entirely unsympathetic to the gentleman's viewpoint, especially during the summer.

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    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  11. Great photos. I am left wondering why silicone became so surgically ubiquitous instead of helium.

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    1. With enough helium, I could hide the double chins, too.

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  12. I am now in the Continental Soldiers' Regiment.I do not run to catch a train for fear of eye injury.But, why do some people get so het-up of so little.Ok, rather a lot in some cases.
    And may I add a caution against the coconut/olive oil in tropical climes? Ants, people.Ants LOVE that stuff.

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    1. Oh dear. Another reason to stay northside!

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  13. Yep, bodies change with time. I've got more fun things to do than worry about my body. But it DID make for a little humor. Thanks for the notes.

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    1. We used to worry, though. When I think about how much time young people, who already look fabulous, fret about how they look, and how much money they spend, I want to do some slappin'. But I was probably the same.

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  14. LOL Loved this! I keep saying I need massive support now! Your photos made me laugh!

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  15. Gravity, things dry up, nobody's breasts are a match for the whole planet. How did breasts become such a fetish? It's just about milk.

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    1. Which means, in my case, it was a complete waste of cells, right along with the whole period thing. I should have had kids just to justify all this shit.

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  16. I just wish mine would disappear altogether so I can give up buying and wearing bras. They were small enough not to be bothersome right up until I got to be about 55, now the buggers are intruding on my underarm space and generally being a pain in the neck. And shoulder. My best friend Jenny has the same problem, she looked down at her chest and said "where were these when I was twenty? I don't want them NOW".
    but for all those people who want to try massaging with oils etc, go right ahead, it won't do anything to lift and perk, but you'll have beautiful skin and your hands will benefit too, just like using hand creams.

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    1. Yeah, that armpit space thing. Also, I have a lot of trouble using pruning loppers.

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  17. Murr, dearest, once again you managed to squeeze multiple guffaws from me on reading your hilarious comments, with which I agree entirely. I can't be of help to any woman who is an aesthetist who simply wants "the perfect body" (whatever that may be--I figure perfect is having a body that gets up every morning and carries your soul through life with a minimum of physical complaints, no matter what it happens to look like) but for women who think they have to have "perfect breasts" (see: Define perfect!) in order to be attractive to the opposite sex, just let me say that the opposite sex, unless of the shallowest variety available, will invent a gazillion reasons to be attracted to your breasts, no matter what they look like: It's what we do! And part of the FUN of breasts, for opposite-sex observers, is the incredible range of shapes, sizes, angles, slopes, curves, colors and degrees of separation and compression they come in.
    Thanks for another riotously irreverant essay!
    PS - Just so you don't think I'm sneaking around behind your back, I'm copying the photos accompanying this article for further study. Cheers!

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    1. Before you get too wrapped up in your studies, I'd also point out that for some of us, there's a range of sizes and shapes on the very same chest.

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  18. Lurrrve it, and the photos. Wah ha ha!! I'm a fan of yours, and mine. They worked great through two extended nursing episodes and they don't get in my way. That's about all I have a right to ask of them.

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  19. At the age of 84 I find that the best way to keep my breasts from sagging is to lie down.

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    1. But how do you keep them from puddling up in your armpits?

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    2. It's the gravity thing. You get the correct angle of repose and they'll just settle into place.

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  20. When I'm in the supermarket, it's going to be hard to stifle my hysterical laughter as I pass the pomegranate juice, funnier still will be seeing women buying pomegranate juice.

    Wonderfully hilarious, Murr.

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    1. Well, shit. I really LIKE pomegranate juice.

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  21. I was going to say I'm glad I've come to accept sagging boobs. (Ice massage? Kill me now.) But I suspect that's not true. Does anyone, ever, really accept them?

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    1. I'm not at all crazy about them. Which means, when they get really obstreperous, by which I mean cancerous, I'm firing their ass. Gone. Major surgery being what it is, I'll probably wait until then.

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  22. I read this post twice, at different times. Both times my wife Cary came back and whispered "Honey, you have nothing to add. Just click over to the fishing blogs."
    Even though her passing has come between us, she remains correct.

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    1. You should listen to your wife, and yet, you should keep coming back here. Both are good for you.

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  23. We can't help it! Every man has been tit obsessed from the age of six. It's our DNA.

    It is not until a woman reaches a certain age when she looks at the men of her generation and says fuck them, that she becomes comfortable with her breast.
    the Ol'Buzzard

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    1. Comfortable? Well maybe with a thin piece of flannel underneath. Otherwise we're courting mildew.

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