Wednesday, September 9, 2015

It Came From Out Of The Sky

Daddy! Come look! There's water falling right out of the sky, just like Grandma said it used to do!

Get your pale little fanny right back in here. Your five minutes are up. And you can't take everything your Grandma says right to the banking app.

She said it used to do it for months on end sometimes.

That's just the kind of thing I'm talking about. Use your common sense, boy. Remember what Grandma used to say about Florida?

She said that's where the old folks used to go when they retired.

Exactly. Now think about that. Why would anyone ever go to the Sunken Peninsula? It was just an expression. Like when we told you we took Rover to live on the farm.

Rover isn't on the farm?

Rover's fine. He's fine. What I mean is your Grandma comes up with some stuff sometimes.

What about the solid water? She said sometimes the water would go solid. She said she'd roll it into a ball and smack her brother in the head with it.

That I believe.

And there's be so much solid water that they'd pile it up in the mountains.

Where it would get all dusty. Eww. Solid water! As if!

No! She said! She said there used to be a lot of it in the olden days. That they had to have solid water to stand the mastodons up on.

See, right there. Mastodons? Your grandmother doesn't know anything about mastodons. She only goes back to the Cruz administration, and there haven't been any mastodons since Noah economized on cubits. What is it they're teaching you in the Edu-Pod these days?

But Crayonce's Grandpa said the same thing. That water used to fall right out of the sky, all the time.

I know, son. The old folks used to tell me the same stuff. And rainbows stretched across the sky like giant oil slicks! And there was a beast with a single horn coming out of the middle of its head! And tomatoes and corn came right out of the dirt. And people used to eat things that floated around in the ocean. It's revolting. If Grandma saw water coming out of the sky, why isn't she rich? Get in here before you dissolve.

But it's true! There's water coming out of the sky right now! Not a bunch, but little bits of it! Come look! We could take all our jugs and set them up on the, on the--the place Grandma calls a patio. Where she says they used to sit around, of an evening.

God help us.

And maybe they would all fill up with the water that's falling out of the sky.

Son. I'll break into next week's allotment if you absolutely must have water. The good stuff. With the minerals and the marketing in it and stuff. Where does water come from? Do you even know? You kids, I swear! They drill it. They mine it. They put it into bottles and your daddy and your mommy shovel data all day long to be able to buy it. Water doesn't just fall out of the sky, son. And what if it did? Would you drink something that came out of the sky? Do you know where the sky has been? It's all smoke and coal and farts up there. Now get in here before your eczema gets eczema.

What if we drill too much and we run out?

Son. You have to have faith. The Lord will provide.

What's faith? Is it like a drill?

It's more like a leaf blower. It takes all the chaos and things we don't understand and blows it into tidy little piles that make sense. If we run out of water, and we have faith, the Lord will take care of us. There are scads of other planets.

Why can't the Lord just put more water here? I get carsick.

Faith, son, faith. It's not for us to know how it works. But it will be easy. There'll be a portal or something. It'll open up for us once we...retire to Florida. And then we'll be on our new planet. There'll be a planet for you and me and Mommy.

Grandma said you could go to hell for all she cared.

And with any luck, there'll be a planet just for Grandma.

33 comments:

  1. Murr, you have looked into the crystal ball and seen the future. This is why I am happy to be getting old.

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  2. Where did you get the pictures of my kinfolk?? That's gotta be aunt Jessie standing behind the car up on the Santiam pass....

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    1. That might be your Aunt Jessie. But she's in North Dakota.

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  3. This one is BRILLIANT.
    And yes, as Jono says, it's why I'm happy to be getting old.

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    1. I think the kids are in for some real hard times. Not to mention everything else.

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  4. Since Florida was to blame for Bush getting the presidency over Gore, good for them being submerged under water! After that debacle, I was all for giving them to Cuba or Mexico.

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    1. I don't know. Couldn't we just have submerged a few key Supreme Court Justices?

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  5. Replies
    1. Buck up kid! It's going to be a bumpy flight.

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  6. I would so much rather you didn't tell us what you see when you look into your crystal ball.
    Sometimes ignorance is, while not completely blissful, much less scary than the truth.

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    1. Well that's certainly what a WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE are thinking! "La la la la la don't tell me!"

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  7. Last time I looked in my crystal ball (which is really a very old snow globe that I couldn't part with) it was all dusty...

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    1. Hey, I had a snow globe. Where'd that thing get to? It's a real artifact. Imagine telling the grandkids what that was about.

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  8. Oh, fiddlesticks. I was working on a "future boy and grandfather" conversation. Just threw it in the circular file, could never measure up to the standard you set here. Very well done.

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    Replies
    1. Pull it back out. There are a million conversations in the big city.

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  9. I actually have a lot of faith in technology, and in the upcoming generations, and science in general. That's not to say we couldn't make a lot of improvements in the world right now, just that I'm not as worried as you are. Not about this anyway. Terrorists with big weapons and large power-hungry nations and even small power-hungry nations -- yes, those things scare me silly.

    I promise you, if you read about Elon Musk like I done tole ya to do, you will feel better. I warned you they'd be long reads (which was a tactical error, I admit) but I neglected to stress how engaging and easy that read will be. The blogger I linked to actually writes something like you do, except longer.

    What's that? I'm being a nag? Yeah. I am. Does admitting it encourage you to read? No? Uh, sorry. Again.

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    Replies
    1. jenny_o is right. It is an intriguing read. And as I read the blogger I could hear you...

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    2. No, it's still on the list. You just have no idea how lazy I can be. But I can be just as scared as I want to be about extinction and ocean acidification and...and...well, the whole water thing is going to be a major factor in the mass migrations and power-hungry nations' flexing that you're talking about.

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    3. You're right. I have a seven month old grandchild, so the state of the world is even more personal for me than it ever was, and I'm glad you're getting the message out there in a highly readable fashion.

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    4. I'm getting it out there, to all three hundred people who read me!

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  10. Replies
    1. I smile whenever I see you comment because my dad signed his name Geo.

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  11. I have been watching the TV show ZOO based on Patterson's novel and the animals taking over and we becoming an endangered species seems very plausible to me.

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    Replies
    1. Oh we're not nearly enough endangered. That's why the rest of the world is in so much trouble!

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  12. Did the Cruz administration come before or after the Trump administration?

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    1. Trust me on this. The Cruz Administration came after the Trump Administration, because I edited out the Trump Administration. Tweak tweak tweak...

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  13. Scary little glimpse of the future there Murr.
    Hard to believe things could get so bad we won't still eat the things that float in the sea, and tomatoes and corn will still grow right out of the ground surely?

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    1. It's getting close to the point that there won't BE anything floating in the sea. Yup.

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  14. Except for an even larger island of plastic garbage :(

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  15. I flew home from Ireland today, and for the first time, saw Greenland as we passed over part of it. Frightening---lots of bare land and lots of lakes. Should there be lakes? I saw glaciers but they were flowing into the lakes. When I'm less tired I will look up what it's supposed to look like in September, but I'll tell you, it scared me to see all that brown and gray.

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    1. That ain't right. It was all white on the world atlas when I was growing up. And I'm not THAT old. Not mastodon old, anyway.

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