Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Naked Came The Trilobite


Ten trekkers climbed the highest peak in Malaysia, took their clothes off, and snapped photographs of themselves, thus pissing off the mountain to the degree that, after thinking about it for a few weeks, it let fly with a fat earthquake. Four of the trekkers were fingered and detained and the remainder has apparently fled the country to points unknown, putting nerves on edge at the margins of tectonic plates worldwide.

The trekkers themselves have mocked Malaysian authorities who have accused them of causing the earthquake, but they're on shaky ground. I myself once climbed our state's highest peak in the company of a young man who stripped down to his hiking boots for photographs at the very top, in full view of Mt. St. Helens, and two days later that mountain shot off some thousand-plus feet of elevation. Coincidence?

In that case, and also in the case of the Malaysian visitors, the climbers' motivation was the same: they were expressing their sense of freedom, they were getting closer to nature, and they were young enough to be pretty goddamn proud of how they looked.

There's a good record of evidence that public indecency has a direct causative effect on earth movements, so much so that we can conclude with confidence that if there is an earthquake anywhere, somebody somewhere was probably naked. Similarly, it is also true that such events always happen in threes, given enough time, after which we start counting over. There is some disagreement on the issue in scientific circles, although scientists can generally be discounted because of their habit of writing snotty personal emails. However, they do make a good point that there used to be a lot more tectonic activity when the world was younger, long before humans were invented, and even longer before pants were invented. Still, the science is young, and it is expected to be years before we can devise methods of verifying episodes of naughtiness among trilobites.

Vagaries of climate can similarly be traced to untoward human activities, as was recently noted in the California legislature, when an assemblywoman declared that the terrible drought was caused by God's wrath over abortion. And there might be something to it. I once voted for a presidential candidate who merely favored abortion rights, and I not only didn't get my man, but we ended up with some weird massive war. There was a Dick hanging out then too.

And whereas I am certain that the trekkers in Malaysia did somewhat tardily cause the earthquake, I'm not so quick to maintain that the mountain was pissed off. Could have been it was just excited. I'd have to see the photos.

22 comments:

  1. Oh, I totally believe in "the wrath of god" scenario, Murr. He apparently is pissed off about grilling outdoors, as well (at least my grilling outdoors). Every single time in the last couple years that I plan to cook something on the grill, it rains. Then I either have to broil it inside or grill while getting soaked. This cannot be a coincidence. God, apparently, is a bit of a spoil sport, and just doesn't like us to have a bit of fun.

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    1. Huh. Dave cooks on his Weber in the rain all winter. I think he keeps its hat on though. Dave is however subject to plagues of mosquitoes.

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  2. If I thought getting naked on top of a mountain could cause tectonic activity I would have found the yeti long ago.

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    1. What's stopping you now that you know?

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  3. "Found the yeti..." Is that what they're calling it these days?

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  4. Sorry, can't get past the yeti...

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  5. Pretty certain that the trilobites were also pants free.
    And shuddering at the fingering of the detainees.

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    1. Well, now you've got me thinking about pants for arthropods in general. Sounds right jolly.

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  6. Thank God I wasn't drinking my coffee when I read this. There was a Dick hanging out then too INDEED. I vote this this years best. Soo glad to make this connection. I'm not sure if I've not pissied off the right mountain or if it's OK to sleep nakid as long as one is inside a tent. But caution is definitely called for here.

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    1. Sleeping nekkid is diff'rent. You're not, uh, brandishing anything there.

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  7. Good looking nekkid men and tremors leads me to conclude that indeed Earth is a woman. Those were orgasmic shivers, not earthquakes.

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    1. See, again, I'd have to see the photos to be sure.

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  8. HEY! I THINK I KNOW THAT GUY!! IS THAT DANIEL??? You didn't even get topless! Ahhh, Murr shy????
    Bet Roxie would have flashed, even probably Pat!!!

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    1. Murr were not shy. There's plenty of photographic evidence out there. But not that day. I can't remember who the dude was. That's my baby Dave on the bottom picture--not enough nudity to get up a good quake, but enough that I still like the picture.

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  9. I was prepared to say it was all coincidental, after all, young men taking of their pants is hardly earth shattering stuff, if that were the case there wouldn't be much earth left by now. But then your sentence about the mountain just being excited struck me as a possibility. Mountains are commonly called "she".

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    1. Around here, not necessarily. In fact Mt. Hood (Wy'East) and Mt. Adams (Klickitat) are males and Mt. St. Helens (Loowit) is female and there was one hell of a triangle going on for a while. Which accounted for quite a bit of volcanic mayhem.

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  10. I firmly believe that human activities cause much unanticipated reactions in nature. Case in point:

    British folds drive on the wrong side of the road -- and this has been scientifically documented. This causes a reverse swirl in the atmosphere which results in hurricanes!

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    1. Maybe we could get them to switch over on odd days. I'm sure that wouldn't lead to any trouble.

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  11. Well, if I get naked outside somewhere, the earth will definitely have a fit. I also might blind some people. Those guys look really great!

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    1. The last one (the more modest one) is MINE. I think he's hawt.

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