Saturday, May 9, 2015

The Canadians Are Coming! The Canadians Are Coming!


We've been pretty excited over here. We had Canadians coming! The real deal, authentic Canadians from Toronto, which is in Canadia somewhere. Holy hockey sticks! I thought I should probably bone up. You know, find out who their prime minister is now, and check to see that it is a prime minister and not a premier, and see if any of that needed capitalizing. You never know. They heave in extraneous "u's" and they might be fussy about the capital letters, too. And I thought I should probably review the provinces so I'd be wieldy with the geography. I know the west coast ones okay. There's British Columbia, Alberta, Snatchcatchistan, Masticola, or the other way around, Ontario (we have a similar lake and I'm very solid on that one), and
then a bunch of auxiliary eastern stuff that gets all jammed up just like our eastern states, like Prince Edward In A Can and Quahog. Plus some territories. They're huge but sort of nebulous and I probably don't need to define them too strenuously; it's the kind of area that gets hyphens for boundaries and can be generally referred to as "up there." That would be the area they stash their First Nation peoples and move them around so they don't get in the way of their oil.

But what to do to make our visiting Canadians feel at  home? It would be so hard to tell if we got it wrong. We could make a grievous hospitality error and they'd just go all, you know, wry on us. They're all gifted comedians but tend to subtlety, and really, enough stuff gets past me already. I did some checking around and decided that local moose rentals are out of my budget. At some point I realized Canadians like to make light of Americans, and we have two of those right here in this house, so that should work for entertainment.

These particular Canadians like food and birds and we've got gobs of both of those. Problem. Because I'm all the time writing about birds this and birds that, people think I know my birds, and I most certainly do not. I LIKE birds a lot but I'm not going to remember one from one day to the next, in exactly the same way I don't remember the people I meet. One of the things I like about birds is they don't get all bent out of shape about it.

Then I figured out that inviting Canadians here to see birds could work just as well as inviting people over for dinner if I'm cooking. All I have to do is get started cooking and my friends will quickly see that I'm in over my head, and they'll start taking over the pans and knives and whatnot, and dinner will be terrific, and I'll do the dishes afterwards. So I know where our birds are, and my friends will know who they are, and all I have to do is pop them out of the car and sweep my arm out to the great outdoors and say "hit it." Everyone will be happy.

Everyone was. Especially because I was able to provide all the birds I'd promised: the dipper, the bittern, the harlequin duck. All but the murres. Figures they'd skip the family reunion.

I don't need them. I gots friends.


37 comments:

  1. Next time I am going for 24 oysters in 24 hours.

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    1. Blurp. I mean, good on ya. I mean, not ON ya. Oh never mind.

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  2. Did you mean "humour" as your tague?

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  3. I laughed all the way through this. Thanks for the jump start this morning.

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  4. You forgot Newfyland (where they speak Newfenese), Nouveau Brunswick (they're bilingual, English/French) and - gasp! MY province, New Scotland (we speak Latin) ... but I'm so sorry for bringing this up, I apologize.

    This post is dear to my Canadian heart. Thanks for treating us all so nicely in it.

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    1. We are in fact Newfoundlanders, and we plan on dragging Murr out there sometime, where we will call her Turr and possibly roast her up with some salt pork for supper.

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    2. Be sure to make her kiss a cod first :)

      And may I say, "Howdy, neighbours!"

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    3. DON'T CALL ME TURR! I already know what you do with turrs. On the other hand, I bet I'm well-marbled and delicious. I wouldn't have made the second tier on Donner Pass. And as a half-Norwegian--I believe I am required to kiss a cod.

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  5. Enjoy your guests! Don't bring up the Canada-Mexico border dispute.

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  6. then a bunch of auxiliary eastern stuff that gets all jammed up just like our eastern states, like Prince Edward In A Can and Quahog.

    I get the impression Newfoundland is a lot like Maine, except without Stephen King. Ontario is 40% of Canada by population, so that's the 800-pound gorilla. In between they've got some French people where everyone wishes they weren't.

    Plus some territories. They're huge but sort of nebulous and I probably don't need to define them too strenuously; it's the kind of area that gets hyphens for boundaries and can be generally referred to as "up there." That would be the area they stash their First Nation peoples and move them around so they don't get in the way of their oil.

    This is a more accurate description than anything you'll find in an encyclopedia. Actually about half that stuff was handed over to the Eskimos a few years ago -- Nunavut.

    What you should really do is pump them for info about how they managed that shock election result in Alberta recently. Imagine Bernie Sanders being elected Governor of Texas and you'll get the idea. We need to ferret out the secrets of their Canadian Koch-pwning powers.

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    1. Newfoundland is great. As good as Oregon, in fact. Everyone should go there at least once, but then leave so it doesn't get spoiled.

      Nunavut wasn't so much handed over to the Inuit as it was made an autonomous territory apart from the NW Territories. Still within the confederation.

      As for your most important question, Alberta: it's all due to Murr. The party that won, the NDP, is often referred to as the "Dippers" -- having shown us a Dipper doing its thing, I think we can all credit Murr for calling forth this most incredible, welcome victory!

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    2. I invite you, Infidel, to pump the littleorangeguy for information on anything you choose. She knows her shtuff.

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  7. Is it right to be sort of jealous of people I have never met for meeting and spending time with someone I have never met? Yes, I know. It is. Slinking back into my box - smiling.

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    1. If it helps, if we get anywhere like on the same continent, I do believe we should get together, and there will be beer involved, even if that part doesn't involve you.

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  8. A bittern ! I spied a bittern! Pretty sure it's a 'Merican one.

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    1. Shoot, we got, what--four? five? bitterns, including a three-bittern flyover. A great bittern day.

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    2. And we're not the least bit bittern about it.

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  9. Love your attitude. Love the way you think and work. You're good people Murr. :)

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  10. Gotta love those Canadians...they are so patient with us.

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    1. Are they patient or...wry, and we can't tell the difference?

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  11. I love this post so much, and all the people in it. Tague. LOL, L.O.L. Also: You don't have to cook Turr. You could just eat Turr's eggs. She don't need 'em any more.

    xoxoxoxo jz

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    1. I love all the people in this comment so much! And yeah, talk to those folks about cooking Turr. I've seen the video. It's gnarly. Gives me nightmurrs. And this Turr never did need her eggs.

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    2. Mmmm, turr.

      Actually, I don't like it.

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  12. Who doesn't love Canadians? They are all we could be if we didn't have a gun culture, massive military, illusions of world dominance, religiosity; and knew how to make a decent fish and chips.
    the Ol'Buzzard

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  13. I'll cook! I'll cook!
    I can even point at birds and grunt. That's the kind that eats my chicks. And that over there is the kind that drops snakes over your head. That kind there, why that's the kind that poops in your sample bottle under the bridge. I'll leave the book names to others, but I can cook.

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    1. Yes you can. Now, back to the bird that drops snakes on your head. I'm going to be needing a proper ID and current location please.

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  14. All that works for me too. Always bring your friends along and they can do all the heavy stuff while you look like a great hostess.

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    1. And all that really matters is you LOOK like a great hostess! Am I right?

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  15. You forgot how bloody polite we all are. It's on our passports.
    XO
    WWW

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