Saturday, December 28, 2013

Uncorked

Jorge Odon, an Argentine auto mechanic, has come up with an invention to aid labor during a difficult childbirth. You'd think he'd be a natural, being already familiar with adjusting the timing and cleaning the plugs and lubing, plus he has the little rolly-thing to slide under the chassis. But this idea he got from a party trick he'd seen for getting a loose cork out of an empty wine bottle. The only method I know of for getting stranded corks out of a wine bottle would not be of much use in childbirth unless you were hoping for a nonfunctional baby, and that's a whole different kind of zzzzt zzzt whoa.

Women whine about childbirth but it's totally natural. If it was meant to hurt we wouldn't have been equipped with rubber hipbones and pleasant temperaments. Why, all you have to do is sneeze and the baby shoots right out of there. And it's on its own little string like a paddle-ball set so it's easy to retrieve. It's a snap.

I have never personally given birth, but that's what I hear.

It was a snap for my mom, that's for sure. She showed up at the doctor's office at the time on her appointment card and took a long nap during which I was somehow extracted, and when she woke up I was all wiped off and bundled up and handed to her, easy as pie. According to the social norms of the time, everyone agreed to agree that I was her baby, even though the doctor had plenty of time to shop me around or make substitutions. I was small, about the size of a large Virginia peanut, and probably not real marketable. Although there are no witnesses extant, the odds are good I was mined out with the aid of forceps to the skull. To this day there is a spot at my temple that, if pressed on, makes "Vaya Con Dios" go in a loop in my brain, and there's no other explanation for it.

My mom never supplied me with any information about where babies came out of. It's possible she didn't know for sure, inasmuch as she was conked out at the time, and it involved an area of the body that we didn't officially have any of in our family.

Anyway it's the extraction part of this that our auto mechanic has addressed. Apparently, you can get a
stranded cork out of a wine bottle by introducing a plastic bag into the neck and blowing it open. It somehow surrounds the cork, which can then be pulled right out. Mr. Odon got to thinking something like that would be easier on a recalcitrant wedged baby than big tweezers. He tested out the proposition and ended up with a plastic bag that goes only so far in as the baby's head, surrounds it, and from that point it's a relatively easy tug. The hard part is over for mom, and all that's left is the minute-to-minute monitoring for the first few years, maintenance, sheltering, feeding for the next thirty, and worry for the rest of her shortened life.

You'd think that putting a plastic bag around a baby's head would be detrimental, but the baby isn't breathing until it's out and someone smacks it. Plus it's super efficient. You can pop the bag to get the baby going, or wake up mom, if applicable. Or, if things don't work out right, you have your disposal system right therzzzzt zzzzztkrak

That lightning bolt gets closer all the time.

Anyway, I think it's a great idea. I'm going to try it. The cork trick.

40 comments:

  1. I know some women who wouldn't take kindly to a contraption like that approaching the holiest of holy's. On the other hand, I've also know a few who would get excited about it.

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    1. You know a woman for any contingency.

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    2. I had a first delivery that was delicately called, BY THE DOCTORS, a "train wreck." You don't even WANT to know what was shoved up my hey-nanny-nanny-down-under; one object bore more than a passing resemblance to a road cone. This thing looks..malleable..so sure! Shove it in there! Beats the road cone!!

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  2. What I really want to know is... is it recyclable –that is the bag-?

    In a social hierarchy scale, would the baby from the bag be higher or lower than the one from a trailer?

    Would the parent keep the bag for when the kid is 2?

    What about for twin, can they get 2 bags for the price of one?

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    Replies
    1. I think for the twins, the first one gets the bag, and the second one is supposed to hold on tight.

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    2. HAHAHAHAHA...Hold on tight....giggle

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  3. One of my babies was born with the aid of "vacuum delivery" because the doctors were afraid a forceps would press on her eye. (She had chosen that morning to turn over.) The device was, essentially, a large suction cup, and she was born with a three-inch hickey on her forehead.

    Despite that drama, the hickey faded and she was fine. She also has the highest intelligence of all the kids, but I can't say that was cause by the method of delivery.

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    1. Ever since I first felt the soft spot on a baby's head, which freaked me right out, I've worried that a suction delivery might have deleterious effects. But maybe it just causes the brain to sit up and pay attention.

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    2. The hickey was on her forehead, so the only problem was cosmetic. They were very careful. It is difficult to perform a normal delivery of a 9 lb. 13oz. infant on a mother who is only about five feet tall. 8-)

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    3. I was under six pounds, myself. But we've seen your scenario recently in this family.

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  4. And this is all well and good unless the baby is breech, but I guess that's an automatic c-section these days. In fact, I have heard many Argentine fathers prefer c-section because the "playground" remains snugger.

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    Replies
    1. How many times have I typed this? Only you, Roxie, only you.

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  5. Things must be pretty advanced in Argentina, because neither of my kids were wearing clothes when they emerged from the exit ramp.

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    Replies
    1. You should check out Italy, where the breech-and-tiny-waistcoat delivery is popular.

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  6. This is one of those things that makes me so happy to be a man.

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    Replies
    1. We know what one of the other things is.

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    2. Yeah, that peeing while standing thing.

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    3. We are not yet in a position to judge just how obvious it is.

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  7. Yet another reason why I never gave birth...

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    Replies
    1. In our case, we were afraid the little one would turn out something like us.

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  8. A bit off topic, but related.

    Economist Paul Krugman says 2013 was the "Year of the Weasel."

    Perhaps you could give Paul some advice on how to properly trouser that weasel.

    (see: http://krugman.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/12/28/the-year-of-the-weasel/)

    Just a thought.

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    Replies
    1. I would trouser his weasel for him in exchange for sound financial advice.

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  9. I always admire people who put two and two together and get something more than four ... intentionally ... How many other people saw that cork trick and that's where it ended? I would have loved anything to shorten up the hours of labour and eliminate the forceps delivery of our first-born.

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    1. That's what makes them geniuses. And it takes a whole different attribute to come up with the idea and then say, hmm...all we have to do is approach the vicinity and blow a big bag into it...and then follow through.

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  10. The only thing about foolproof plans, is that fools are so ingenious about overturning the plans somehow. And foolproof plans dreamed up by MEN to deal with childbirth would seem to have about six strikes against them right out of the chute (or vagina, as the case may be).

    But maybe I'm not being fair to Mr. O. Life is like that some days.

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    Replies
    1. Ha! I know I'm not going to avoid things that were invented by men. I'm sure I can think of some.

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  11. He's not the first to think of this type of idea, there is a vacuum extraction method, but it is mostly used for abortions I think.
    I've had four babies, none of which I was conked out for and each birth was rough, but also quick and relatively easy compared to some I've heard about. Myself and the daddy are (were) on the small side, so my babies were too, with the largest being just under seven pounds. I feel great sympathy for a sister-in-law who is smaller than me, but has a husband about six foot three in all directions, she has babies that are around ten-eleven pounds, now that's hard labour!

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    Replies
    1. Now we're getting into bowling-ball territory. Happy mother's day, in case I don't remember in May.

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  12. How on earth did you end up with this topic today?
    The birthing method has be approved but that was a while ago.
    Wine bottles with corks??
    Have a Happy New Year and thanks for dropping by.
    Buddy is always a joy and my vision remains a bit blurred- surgery maybe on Feb3?
    Date keeps changing!
    Cheers;-)

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    1. I'm rootin' for you. And your eyes. How do I find topics? They find me. I love when auto mechanics invent important new medical devices. This is the first time that I know of, but I love it.

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  13. I have a wine pump with a needle: you puncture the cork and pump air into the bottle behind the cork and when the pressure is right it will blow the cork out of the bottle: But this probably wouldn't work for child birth - I'm a man - what do I know?
    the Ol'Buzzard

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    1. Duly noted: Apply More Pressure Behind Baby. I think that would work swell. Lack of pressure is surely the problem.

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  14. Goodness. The wonders of the modern world!

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  15. It could come in two different models, like my vacuum cleaner, a Dy-son or a Dy-daughter. Blue or Pink.

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